Relationships Relationships

It’s been requested by a frequent reader (I’m fairly certain that she checks the site daily from her RSS subscription!) for some relationship advice, encouragement and/or help.  Since we have several friends either newly married or soon-to-be married, I thought it was a good time to introduce some ideas about relationships.  [Thanks for the suggestion!]

No matter what stage of your life you’re in (single, dating, engaged, married), it’s important for us to all strive to be better.  Make today better than yesterday and make tomorrow better than today.  Personally, I tend to be very selfish (something I work on daily) and I often let my wife down in this area… an area in my life that keeps me from fully obtaining TrueManhood.  However, I know that it’s a weakness and I work on it.  I try to put her needs first, to think outside the normal day-to-day “to do list” box to go out of my way to show her how much I love her.  When I don’t do that, I fail in my role as her husband.  When I fail as a husband, I fail to fulfill TrueManhood.  If today I make some mistakes, I’ll work very very hard to not make those mistakes again tomorrow.

Our marriage is strong (one of the strongest I’ve ever come across) because we both strive to be better each and every day.  We have our off days, sure.  We also have incredibly strong days.  What’s great about my wife and me (and I can brag because 1. it’s true and 2. it’s my website!) is that we both desire to continue to grow.  We’re never okay where we are.  Striving for excellence and perfection in the Lord is our daily goal.  (In a spousal way, at work, with our kids, as siblings and in public.  Everywhere.)  No matter what stage of your life you’re in, strive to be better each and every day.

When we dated, the relationship worked well for us because we were both very grounded in the fact that we wanted to be married with children.  We had both had numerous relationships that all went asunder and we weren’t investing in a long term relationship to “just have fun”.  We were dating with a purpose.  The purpose for us was marriage.  If you’re in a dating relationship, I highly encourage you to date with a purpose.  You’ve probably heard it before, but I can’t stress enough the importance of having that purpose in dating.  It orients your entire being, your will, your mind toward the vocation that you’ve been called to by God.  Protect yourself by being in a relationship only with a person you can foresee marrying.  If you can’t see them being the parent of your children, and you can’t see yourself growing old with them, or they really really annoy you in a million different ways, then get out!  Call it off.  Dating isn’t about settling on the person you’ve been dating the longest, it’s about finding the right person for you.  If you listen hard enough, God will reveal the person He created just for you.  Once you find that person, you’ll know.  It’s an incredible thing.

Recently, my wife spoke at a college women’s event.  There was a “man panel” where the women could ask the men questions and get frank answers in return.  Although the guys tried (sorry guys, you missed the boat here), Catherine told me that they just didn’t get it.  When asked, “Tell us about your ideal date”, not a single man on the panel said anything about the girl.  They never mentioned doing anything that she liked, or finding out her favorite restaurant, or trying to make the date special for the girl.  I tell this little story to illustrate an important point in dating… do what the other wants to do!  Be sacrificial.  Bite the bullet.  Put the other’s needs and wants before your own.  Think outside yourself, it will bring great joy to both of your lives.

If you’re engaged, all I can say is, BUMP THE DATE UP AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!!  Engagement was literally an earthly-purgatory for me.  I hated it.  The worst part of engagement is that you’ve made the commitment (minus the vows and Sacrament) and you want to be with this person all the time.  The saying goodnight and driving home at 2:00am.  The waiting.  The wedding planning.  Yuck.  I am so glad I’ll never go through that again.  If you’re in this stage, embrace it and go with the flow.  It’ll be over at some point.

I have a theory (for all stages of relationships)… it’s about arguments/fights/disagreements.  I am 100% convinced that in order for an argument, fight or disagreement to take place, one or both parties is acting or speaking out of selfishness.  Don’t be selfish!  Selfishness kills relationships.  Don’t do it!  (If you can think of an example where an actual argument, fight or disagreement has taken place where at least one of the people involved wasn’t selfish, I’d like to know about it.  Email me at Dave@TrueManhood.com.)

As I’ve written about before, Catherine and I have a saying we use in our marriage.  It’s like our motto.  It’s simple, really. “Always Make the Choice to Love.”  If you want to read more about this, check out an article I wrote for www.iibloom.com by clicking this link.

Man up!

What We Should Be Most Thankful For

Happy Thanksgiving 2009 everyone!  It’s quite easy for us to forget about things in our life that we are (or that we should be) thankful for.  It’s easy to go through life taking for granted the wonderful blessings we have.  Sometimes, especially when it seems like the entire world is falling apart around us, we can’t see the blessings.  I tend to think that we can’t see those things because we can’t get past our own wants and desires and our attitude gets in our own way.

What we should be most thankful for is the perfect blessing, the greatest gift… the Eucharist.  Did you know that the world eucharist means thanksgiving?  When you’re down and out, struggling and allowing your poor attitude to get in your own way, do you run to the Eucharist?  When you’ve got everything going for you, and you are striving for holiness, do you run to the Eucharist?  No matter where you are in life, or how good or bad your day has been, the Eucharist should be your stronghold.  I think that men sometimes struggle with the teachings of the Eucharist because men are called to submit fully to Christ and this gift.  Typically, men don’t like to submit; submission is a sign of weakness and loss of control.  In this case, submission to Christ in the Eucharist is key!  If you want to grow in TrueManhood and you want to live the virtue of love (the GREATEST VIRTUE!), run to the Eucharist!!!

Christ instituted this gift, a pure gift of Himself, to sustain us and to guide us.  The Eucharist is the one part of our faith that unites us most intimately with Christ.  We give thanks for this “bread from Heaven”, what the Church refers to as “the source and summit”.  We tend to think of movie characters like William Wallace or Maximus Decimus Meridius when we think of leadership, sacrifice and real manliness.  Christ outshines them; this gift was an incredibly hard sacrifice to make… the hardest ever.  Christ lead the Church towards His Father through this miraculous gift.  I invite you to learn about the Eucharist and then, as I stated above, run to the Eucharist!

For those who either aren’t Catholic or who aren’t educated Catholics, I want to encourage you to read what the Catholic Church teaches about the Eucharist.  This is the MOST IMPORTANT ASPECT OF OUR FAITH and many believers don’t know about it nor could they explain it.  To start learning, please click this link for more info.

Man up!

Blood Money Film Trailer – Please Visit The Site

A new independent film on the evils of abortion is set to release soon.  “Blood Money” sets out to expose the corruption of Planned Parenthood.  In order for the producers to get it into the theaters they need to show that millions of interested people have visited their website. You need only visit the website; there is no need to sign-up as a supporter unless you are compelled to do so.   The second link is the trailer for the movie.   Please help spread the word about this film.

Blood Money Film Website – CLICK HERE PLEASE.

Still Missing the Way to Be a TrueMan

I would like you to all take a look at this video that a friend shared with me.  It’s been out there for a few years but I think it is still very relevant.  Although Mr Katz is speaking strongly for a renewal of masculinity, I believe that he’s still missing the way for a man to be a TrueMan.  As is frequently true, he needs to not only encourage men to not be violent, but to live out virtue.  He’s missing the plug for the God-shaped hole in every man’s heart.  Although I applaud him for what he’s doing and I encourage other men to join us in the fight for masculinity, I want to urge all of you to get a clear understanding of what manliness is and how to tell someone else about it.  TrueManhood is living a virtuous life for Christ.  Plain and simple.  Not easy, but plain and simple.  Here’s the video, please scroll down to the bottom to find the comment box or shoot us an email with your thoughts.

GUEST POST – from Dean Soto – “So What Do You Do?”

When I returned from a deployment to the war in Iraq that lasted from March of 2008 to March of 2009, several aspects of my life had changed. Even though my year stint was rather benign and uneventful, something unknowingly grew inside of me that affects the majority of men today.

For a year I had a fire growing inside of me in which I wanted to further my current career, start a new business, and help other Catholics to do the same. The problem was – it was all I could think about and talk about when I returned home. For months my wife endured emotional loneliness, my 1 and a half year-old daughter wanted nothing to do with me, and I was completely oblivious to it all. My work and aspirations consumed me to the point where my family felt closer to me while I was 5,000 miles away, than they did when I was with them.

Throughout history, but especially today, men have defined themselves – and their worth – by what they do. Think about when you meet someone new. Typically, the conversation starts off with the formality of finding out the person’s name and how they know so-and-so, but within minutes the conversation turns to, “So what do you do?” This is perfectly natural and expected, but our culture takes it to the extreme and ensnares us with 2 traps that Catholic men of earlier ages rarely faced: the lack of trust in divine providence and the loss of self-worth.

I was trapped in a pit of despair that only Christ and my family could save me from. My wife made it clear that something needed to change, and change fast, before our marriage started to break apart. What happened over time was that I began to see that what I did, did not define who I was. In other words, just because I didn’t reach the goals that I wanted to as a businessman and entrepreneur (which were unreasonable to begin with), didn’t mean that I wasn’t worth something. My wife wanted to share my life, and could care less about how much I earned. My daughter had no clue what I did professionally, she only wanted her daddy to make her laugh. Through the grace of God – and ironically through a secular entrepreneur that I admire – I was able to let go. I allowed God to change my priorities to reflect what He would desire, and not what I thought was best.

I still have the fire in me to be successful, but how I view success is much different. As a Catholic man, God and my family come first – no exceptions. All of my ventures are done after my family has gone to bed. Success is not what I do, but who I am in Christ. Christ sacrificed himself for the Church, and the least I could do is sacrifice my desires for my family.

St. Thomas More, when faced with the prospect of losing everything, told his family that he would be just as happy begging in the streets with them as he would being comfortable in his house. What we do for a living does not define who we are. I am a Catholic man. My love for Christ, love for my family, and trust in a God that will never forsake me defines who I am.

Dean Soto is the author of productivecatholic.com, a blog designed to help Catholics find holiness in their work. He is also the owner of Pro Sulum, LLC, an IT consulting company, and Shiistr.com an online social network that aims to save people money on food. His primary mission is to help Catholics to use their professional talents and abilities to further the cause of the Church and their local parishes, and advocates a view that all Catholics should help the Church by doing what they are passionate about.

Upcoming Schedule for TrueManhood Ministry

Here’s some information on our upcoming schedule of events.  More events will be scheduled as they come up.  If you’re interested in booking Dave for your event, parish, school, retreat, conference or group, please email us at Info@TrueManhood.com and someone on our staff will get back to you soon!

November 18 – on Sirius Radio Channel 159 (XM 117) with “The Catholics Next Door“.  1120am EST (920am EST).  Topic TBD.

November 20 – in New Jersey at Montclair State University’s Annual Catholic Thanksgiving Party.  Including Ramapo College.  Topic: “The Battles We Face as Young Adult Catholics in the Modern World”.
December 17 – on with Joe McClane “The Catholic Hack“.

December 31 – in Florida at the FOCUS National Conference 2010.  Speaking to the Men at the Men’s Impact Sessions.  Topic: “Fighting for Manliness” – For men who want to dive into the realities of the battle for men’s souls.  What is manliness, why is it being attacked and how do we fight to save it?

January 8 – on with Mark Houck and Damian Wargo (The King’s Men) on Holy Spirit Catholic Radio in Philadelphia. Topic: Man stuff.

February 20 or 27 – @ St. Mary’s Catholic Parish in Littleton, CO.  Confirmation Retreat.

March 7 – USAFA TEC Retreat – Topic: Discipleship “Imitate Me as I Imitate Christ”

March/April DATE TBD – on with CatholicTV.  More details coming on this.

Tuesdays with Daddy – “You Really Do Reap What You Sow”

Another installment of “Tuesdays with Daddy”.  For those who don’t know, I stay home with my two young daughters on Tuesdays and always have something important to blog about.

Today, I realized that we really do reap what we sow.  This morning, as I woke up with my two year old, I was amazed at how sweet she was.  She was saying things to me, like, “Daddy, may I please have some more cereal?” and “Daddy, I love you, VERY MUCH!” and “Daddy, you’re wonderful!”

Do you see where I’m going with this?  She’s repeating back to me phrases and statements (tone is important here, too) that I tell her often.  If I regularly talked to her in rough words, or words that aren’t loving, caring and sincere, she would talk to me that way too.  Eventually, she would probably speak to her teachers, coaches and friends in that same manner.  Instead, I choose to speak to her in the way I want her to speak to me and the rest of the world – lovingly.  (Be assured, I am firm when I need to be firm and scold when I need to scold.)

We really do reap what we sow.  And we’re constantly being watched.  With my girls, I’m being watched all the time.  As a follower of Christ, I simply cannot choose to abandon this responsibility.  I MUST work to exemplify Christ at all times.  I drop the ball quite often (as many of you know) but continue to get up and fight.  It’s a lot of responsibility, but if we expect to see change in our world for God, we must take this challenge on.

In your own life, I challenge you to figure out what you are sowing.  Are you sowing love?  Are you sowing anger, hatred, lust?  We really do reap what we sow.

Man up!

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