Great Resource in the Fight Against Porn
I’m familiar with various software that tracks visited sites and believe that they can greatly aid a man in his fight against pornography addiction. There are many ways of going about this fight, I urge you to find out what battle plan works for you. If you need a place to start, check out my 5-Step Plan.
I’m posting these videos here not specifically because I support or endorse Covenant Eyes, but because of the words of the men and women in these videos. If you have an addiction to pornography, or know someone who does, you may want to look into this software. In this situation, a man can use his pride, his desire for integrity, his need for strength, as tools to aid him in the fight against porn. If you need it, spend the money and do it. Do it today. Please take the time to watch these videos, I think they have some great information in them.
Man up!
No Idea Where to Take It
Since my first post about Tiger (nine days ago), an incredible amount of information has surfaced in this story. 
Obviously, we’ve all seen or heard at least some details. At this point, I have no idea where to take it. There’s so much to talk about, I don’t care to get into it. To me, Tiger has become another Lindsay Lohan/Britney Spears/A-Rod/John&Kate+8 tabloid star. In light of this, I probably won’t blog more about him or this situation unless something really sticks out to me.
In response to a comment I received, I’d like to clear up a few things. Here is the comment:
While I certainly do not condone his behavior, I think you are being a bit judgmental – especially when you state that “I won’t forget.” You are carrying a grudge against him and seem as though you are unwilling to forgive him for his transgressions. Hate the sin, not the sinner.
Tiger is at a low point in his life. He obviously has some major problems that he needs to deal with. On the news this morning, I heard reports of even more affairs and a possible addiction to pain killers.
Advent is a time of forgiveness and repentance. We need to forgive him. Tiger needs to repent. Pray that he understands the ramifications of his actions and that he is able to deal with these issues head on (repent).
I’ve discussed the topic of “judgmental” before, but I’ll clear up the confusion. Typically, the term ‘judgmental’ is misused in our society. Although I may receive some flack for this, to be judgmental is good… we judge actions of individuals to determine whether or not they would be good friends. As a parent, I judge the actions of individuals to determine whether or not they can have contact with my children. We judge decisions, records and work-ethic of political figures to determine whether or not we should vote for them. We judge moral decisions. We judge a great deal of things. In this case, I was judging Tiger’s actions. The confusion, I believe, comes when judgmental is used in place of “condemning”. When we condemn others, we put ourselves in the place of Christ, taking the position of “you’re going to hell because of…”. Condemning others is not our place, nor will it ever be. Judgment is a virtue, in fact, you can read about it in the Catechism of the Catholic Church, paragraph 1806, under the heading of Prudence.
I’m not “unwilling to forgive” Tiger, nor am I carrying a grudge. My point in the previous post about Tiger was that he is in the lime light and can’t simply turn that off because he made some mistakes. His actions (morally right, wrong or indifferent) will have lasting effects on society. You may say I’m stretching it here, but there will be men who think to themselves, and some who actually say the words out loud, “Tiger did it, it’s okay for me to do it too”. His influence is (was) too powerful for that not to happen.
Also mentioned was the topic of forgiveness. Yes, we are in Advent; it’s not a time of forgiveness or repentance, as stated in the comment. Advent is a time of preparation and expectancy for the coming birth of the Christ child. So, let’s look at this in the context of the Tiger situation, how does Advent play a role in how we look at everything? First off, it’s not my place to forgive him, he has not trespassed against me… that’s for God and Tiger’s wife Elin. Next, it was necessary that Jesus came into this world, to unite us to the Father because of our failings. Our (mankind’s) sins were so grave that God Himself HAD to take human form, lowering Himself to human status, in order to redeem us. Tiger, the same as all of us, needs God’s grace, His forgiveness and His mercy. In this time of suffering and struggle for Tiger, I wish him healing. I pray for a conversion of his soul. Tiger obviously needs God, he might not know it yet, but he needs him. And yes, you’re right, “hate the sin, love the sinner”.
I highly recommend that we all take a break from this tabloid saga and concentrate on more important things, like manning up!
Man up!
“The Physical Part is the Hardest for Us” – Get Rid of the Porn
I recently received an email from a loyal reader of the website. Inside the email contained a story that I have heard many times. The story of a young man, striving for holiness, in a relationship with a wonderful young woman, also striving for holiness. Yet, undoubtedly, this couple has “weakness of the flesh”. Just yesterday I received an email from another young gentleman, a first-time reader of the site, who told me similar information. How does a couple prevent this sort of temptation? How does a couple who has already experienced physical intimacy with one another bounce back and live chastity? How does a couple know when they’ve crossed the line?
Let’s be honest… it’s normal to be physically attracted to someone you are in a romantic relationship with! Duh! 
It’s usually a tell-tale sign that the relationship isn’t going anywhere when you aren’t. That’s not usually the problem. Typically, the problem is that one or both of the persons in the relationship have had physical relationships before. One may think that the other expects certain things, or they may think that in order to keep them, they need to “do things”. They may also think that “it’s normal” or that “it’s what people in love do”. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the majority of relationships that are prematurely physically intimate, one or both of the individuals in the relationship either have a problem with pornography, are infatuated with the media or feel some sort of pressure to perform. I believe that without these major stumbling blocks in the way, a couple is more apt to lead healthy, chaste relationships.
Why do these stumbling blocks matter? If someone is involved with pornography, their entire perception of truth, as related to sexuality, is skewed. They are unable to see the beauty which God created and intended sex to be. If someone is infatuated with the media, they often put themselves in the place of their favorite star, character or role. This becomes fantasy and is problematic when reality sets in. Either way, neither individual is in a place where they are even supposed to be giving themselves as a free-gift to their significant other simply because they aren’t married yet! Living a life of selfish, hedonistic motivations leads only to more selfishness. Selfishness kills relationships.
You may be wondering why I’m bringing this up. I know, from my countless discussions with hundreds and hundreds of men from all over the country, most of whom have/had addictions to pornography, that most of us would not have issues with physical intimacy (prior to or in marriage) if it weren’t for our weakness and failures associated with our addiction. I urge you to get rid of the porn! It is secretly destroying your life. You may not be able to see it, but I speak from personal experience… it’s creeping in where ever it can and it will pounce at the right time. If you want to have a healthy, long-lasting relationship, with the woman of your dreams (I have this!!!) work on your personal chastity starting RIGHT NOW! Work on being self-giving, instead of self-serving. Selfishness is a horrible trait, so get rid of it.
Coming up soon, keeping our eyes on Christ on the Cross.
Man up!
“Maybe NOT ‘Just Do It’ Like Nike Says”
If you’re not familiar with the “world’s greatest athlete” Tiger Woods, you have probably been living under a rock for the past 10 years or so. Actually, you were probably dead under that rock. Tiger, besides being an incredible, dominating force on the golf course, is highly endorsed by corporate sponsors. Living the good life, you could say. (Living the “cultural manliness” life, I would say.)
Recently, Tiger has been in the news everyday, and not just the sports news. He’s been on every show that has anyone talking on it… TV, online, radio. Literally, ever single show. And don’t forget the newspapers, magazines and tabloids. He’s been in the news because of some very poor decisions he’s made. Those decisions finally caught up with him and now the “$#!) is hitting the fan”, as they say. Tiger was “caught” by his wife in an affair, details of which are still speculation and may never become known fact in full. What is known is some of Tiger’s interaction with a NY cocktail waitress… listen in to Tiger’s voicemail as he attempts to grovel his way out of his mistakes. Here’s a video about this whole mess, please excuse the celebrity gossip feel and images…
Yesterday at the gym, I watched SportsCenter on ESPN and quite honestly, I was very disappointed in the coverage and even more so on the comments from Tiger’s golf colleagues – except Jesper Parnevik. Parnevik and his wife set up Tiger and Tiger’s wife, Elin, and now, Parnevik is regretting his match-making. He said some pretty impressive statements that don’t typically come out in the news. I like what he had to say. Check him out in this video clip.
One of the things that every show seems to harp on is whether or not this is any of our business, and they’ve continually reported that Tiger has requested privacy for himself and his family. Let’s make it clear, you can’t separate the “good life”, the lime-light, the sponsorships and endorsements and then also expect the world to look the other way when you “make transgressions against your family” (quoting Tiger himself). The whole world knows your business and that’s the way you liked it. Just because you messed up, it doesn’t mean they’re going to stop following you. Tiger, you asked for it, and no, the world isn’t going to give you privacy. When you have the influence you have on the world, you can’t take that responsibility lightly, as it appears you have. Simply because you ask for privacy, doesn’t mean that you deserve it. One golfer, Rocco Mediate (who one time had a 19-hole playoff with Tiger) said that “he simply made a mistake like the rest of the world, we all need to get over it.” Mr. Mediate – the rest of the world doesn’t cheat on their spouses, only cheaters do.
Men and boys all over the world emulate you, Tiger. They buy your products, dress like you, play your video games, hit your Nike golf balls. They drive your Buick, they drink your “G”, they are in love with you. You blew it and you blew it big time. You were the world’s greatest athlete, a husband and father and now, you’re just another cheating deadbeat. I’m with Jesper, I’ve lost all respect for you. I know the world will probably forget about this in time and you’ll go back to being the world’s favorite (sort of like A-Rod, Kobe and others who have cheated and gone on to be world champions in their sports, with continuing success and more corporate sponsorships.) I won’t forget Tiger, and a lot of other people won’t either. You blew it. You are not a TrueMan.
Man up!
In Response – Great Questions
I recently received a comment with some great questions about my last post “Relationships Relationships“. I would like to respond here and also encourage everyone to post comments so we can increase the communication on the site! Keep asking great questions! (At the bottom of every post is the comment box, called “SPEAK YOUR MIND”, like the box you see to the left.)
THE COMMENT: Dave – how do you effectively date with a purpose (towards marriage discernment) without putting undue pressure/stress on the relationship? I’ve been in a spot before where the constant evaluation of the question of “Is she the one?” gets in the way of enjoying a simple ice cream cone, kind of like being scrupulous and dwelling on it too much. It is hard to describe the feeling, but at some points it can feel like you’re viewing the other person as a means to an end, rather an end in and of themselves, and as Kant would say “Act in such a way that you treat humanity, whether in your own person or in the person of any other, always at the same time as an end and never merely as a means to an end.” I know Kant wasn’t a church father but I think there’s a lot of value in that quote. In other words – sometimes I want to enjoy the company of my girlfriend as a fellow human being, enjoying either an ice cream cone or a game of poker, without stressing too much about the call to marriage.
Also – should there not be at least a certain respect/reason for the duration between engagement and marriage, in the sense of acknowledging the accepted commitment (of engagement) while also admitting the need to further understand the churches teachings on marriage (which perhaps wasn’t rigorously necessary while dating) such as NFP, the vocation/sacrament of marriage, etc? I imagine the wait can be very frustrating but I think it also has value.
Also, I mostly agree with you on arguments, but I do think you can still have disagreements on politics etc., and that’s ok and can make for fruitful discussion still. Also, hard to explain, but I think an argument can be okay now and then – if only in the sense that while no one directly wants to pursue argument/conflict, neither side wants to be a pushover either, always trying to avoid confrontation. It’s tricky though.
MY RESPONSE: in response to the first part of the comment about “undue pressure on the relationship”, I recommend getting to know the person you are thinking about dating before you start dating them. This doesn’t always work, but in most cases I think it is what’s best. For instance, if you are trying to figure out what sort of girl she is, observe her in public, with her friends and with strangers. [A great tool for knowing how she treats others is to go out to eat and witness her interaction with the server.] You can do this by spending time together in groups, at events, parties, whether with her friends, your friends or both. It takes pressure off at the beginning of the friendship, instead of putting pressure on during the middle of one. During this time of observation, you are being yourself, open and honest and living your life – hopefully she is too. DO NOT EMOTIONALLY DATE THIS GIRL!!! If you want to take her out, then Man up! and ask her out. By learning who she is before you ask her out, you can make a realistic determination whether or not she is the type of woman you can see yourself in a relationship with. By jumping into a relationship without knowing her, you are taking a chance later in the relationship. This is why you “date with a purpose”, which actually starts LONG BEFORE you ever start dating someone. Your public, private, spiritual and emotional life should be in order before you invite someone into it, and vice versa. There’s a reality about dating with a purpose, that this relationship is going to end… it may end in break up, or it may end in marriage! (funny, huh?!) This doesn’t mean that you can’t go out and have fun, but I caution you against being in a relationship with someone simply because they are fun, or you have fun with them. Certainly, fun/happiness/joy is a huge part of a relationship, but this girl isn’t your drinking buddy or the guys you go shoot hoops with. She may very well be the mother of your children… that requires a lot of thought and virtue on your part!
In response to the second part of the comment about “engagement”, yes, you are correct to say that the time during engagement can be purposeful and valuable. However, engagement is NOT a time to discern! The discernment happens prior to the asking and accepting. An understanding of the Sacrament and of the married life is important to have, preferably prior to the relationship but if not, then prior to engagement. It’s not a “shot in the dark”, this is a for-sure decision… you’d better be certain about what’s happening. So, for some couples, they’re going to need a full year, which most diocese/churches require for marriage prep. Some other couples simply do not need that time. I believe that it comes down to the couple’s formation and understanding of what they are about to embark on. For my wife and I, we were ready and understood fully what we were embarking on. Our engagement was about seven months long . I know other couples that needed longer than 12 months. As for NFP preparation, a woman can learn her cycle by charting (or whichever method the couple is going to utilize) after about three months. Obviously, not every woman is going to have an experience like this. I recommend that young women who are dating with a purpose start charting before engagement. This doesn’t only tell them their fertile/unfertile days, it explains a lot about the female psyche, behavior, attitude and so on. Again, I recommend that each couple decide with their marriage prep facilitators/priest where they are and how long they should be engaged. Sometimes, the decision is made for you, depending on certain outside factors (deployments, graduations, moving, leases, family issues, jobs, etc.)
And in response to the third part of the comment about “disagreements and arguments”, I need to clarify what I mean by disagreements and arguments. I do not mean differing in viewpoint, opinion or the like. What I mean is when a couple is angry, frustrated, upset, etc. and they don’t care to look at the other point of view or to put the other person’s needs first. Again, selfishness takes over in this case. Yes, a couple is welcome to have differing opinions on things, and that can be healthy. I think couples that have been together for at least a little while can determine the difference here and know what’s what. Once a person understand love more fully (the greatest virtue, by the way!) they begin to look at life, their goals, their spouse, their kids, in a whole new light!
Kant was quoted earlier, but I want to quote John Paul II, “Love is the unification of persons.” (Love and Responsibility).
If a man is unified with his spouse, his love will win out over disagreements and arguments. We should all strive for this.
Thanks for your time on this one today!
Man up!
