“Is it Okay to Sleep Together if Nothing Else Happens?”

The following is an “Ask an Expert” question that I answered on iibloom.com earlier in the week.  For the full thread, click HERE.

The Question: My boyfriend and I started sleeping in the same bed together. We are committed to not having sex outside of marriage, so we don’t do anything besides cuddling and kissing. He feels like this is a way for us to express our love for each other and spend more time together and says he has no desire to progress any farther than that. I like to snuggle and wake up to each other’s eyes and give each other massages and it hasn’t led to anything I feel is wrong. but I just feel like something isn’t right about it. I’m confused.

MY ANSWER: I urge you to follow the wisdom of your last statement, “I just feel like something isn’t right about it.” You’re right, there are things that aren’t right about sleeping in the same bed with someone prior to marriage and the commitment that comes along with the wedding vows. I recommend that you immediately refrain from sleeping in the same bed. There’s a lot going on here, so please allow me to take each piece one-by-one.

First, to you, the woman: I beg you to require a standard of perfection from your boyfriend. If he is doing something that you feel is “not quite right,” then demand something better from him. If you do end up marrying him, you should require perfection from him in all situations. Obviously, he is going to stumble, fall and fail (we all sin), but the requirement from you shouldn’t lessen. Women everywhere MUST require their men to set the standard of excellence in relationships. If your man isn’t fulfilling that standard, HE ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU! Set your standards high, and make the men step up!

Secondly, for the man: Brother, you need to lead the relationship. Rationalizing and trying to justify the situation, because it feels good, is NOT the manly thing to do. You need to be fully committed to her before you allow her to sleep in your bed, or before you sleep in hers. How would you feel if she slept in another man’s bed, “even though nothing bad was happening?” You wouldn’t. Make the hard decision, the loving decision, and wait until you have fully committed yourself and your life to your new bride in marriage. The Church doesn’t have us go through the vows because it’s fun, or simply a tradition. The vows unite the two souls as one. It’s an incredible thing! You, as the man, MUST LEAD. If you are imitating Christ, then you are worthy of a woman following you. If not, then you’re not ready for that responsibility yet. Keep working on it until you’re there, and then continue to grow.

Be aware that cuddling and kissing, even with the best intentions, can lead to sex. In the heat of the moment, with a person that you love, it’s quite easy to give into physical/sexual acts that you may have planned against when you were of sound mind. I recommend that you both regulate the physical acts so that you aren’t placing yourselves in a position to fail. I recommend that you seek guidance from a trusted, faithful couple on how to do this properly. The fruits of your hard work won’t be apparent until you’re well into your marriage.

It is wonderful that your boyfriend wants you both to express your love for one another in a way that isn’t sexual, however, sleeping in the same bed is a disordered way of doing so. The intimacy between two people who share a bed is intense, and shouldn’t be taken lightly. Sleeping together, even without anything “happening” is dangerous because of the intimacy involved. Again, I urge you to immediately refrain from sleeping in the same bed together. There are other proper ways of showing your love, sleeping in the same bed should be reserved for a married couple who’s love is at a different level than yours. I’m not saying that your love isn’t true, I’m saying that it can’t be at the level of a married couple’s because of the grace that comes from the Sacrament of Matrimony. The more perfect your dating/engaged time is, the more perfected your marriage will be.

Although intercourse may not be taking place (yet), sexual emotions are being involved when you are sleeping together, waking up with one another, giving massages, and so on. If the man isn’t ready to commit fully to you, you should not be allowing him into your sexual emotions. This is NOT guarding your heart, nor his. In the event that you do get married, refraining from “married stuff” while dating will only strengthen your marriage. I know that it’s hard to see now, but trust me, I just went through all this a few years ago…I know what I’m talking about.

Last thing, you mention that “it hasn’t led to anything that I feel is wrong.” I caution you to be the judge of what is morally acceptable and what is not. The Church and Her wisdom has already set a standard for us, and although we play a big role in forming our conscience to follow Her standards, it isn’t up to us to determine right from wrong. If you KNOW that what you are doing is wrong, then stop your actions. Stopping is the loving (charitable) thing to do, even though it will be hard and you’ll be tempted to give in.

I wish you the best of luck in your difficult decisions ahead. May you grow in faith, hope and love because of your difficulties.

In Response – Are You Serious?

I received a comment from a blog reader today and I believe I need to post her comment and my response. Thoughts are appreciated in the comment section below!

Dear *commentor*,

Thank you for your comment on my website today. I would like to engage in conversation about the issues at hand, and attempt to shed light on the way a man’s brain works. You wrote:

[“I don’t like to use the word dumb but are you serious???? I’m pretty sure there are worse things in this world than posting a bra color and some weirdo commiting a “sin” (masturbating) to it. And Man Up?? How about you man up and realize that porno isn’t just a woman’s issue and if women stop taking their clothes off I’m pretty sure that gay men-on-men porno would still exist. And if you’re one of those men that are struggling with seeing a color posted then get off of Facebook and seek help ASAP. Woman up!’]

I sometimes get negative feedback about things I write, and I’m more than capable of handling the critiques. Please allow me to clarify. Yes, I’m very serious on this subject. Are there worse things in the world than this? Yes, absolutely. Does the content of the topic have effects on some men, yes, most definitely. I question your use of the word “weirdo” in this context – it seems out of place and unnecessary. Most men (even faithful Christian men) have/do/will have addiction issues to pornography and/or masturbation, and whether you know it or not, both are mortal sins. Bras are more to men than simply a piece of fabric, they represent more than just an undergarment. Bras are enticing and intriguing and may get a man’s mind racing with thoughts and emotions, and for some men, the chemicals in the brain plays tricks on them when the image or even thought of a bra pops in their heads. I know this may sound silly, and a bit off-base, but it’s the truth. Women’s minds don’t work like men’s minds do, but even the slightest image/thought can provoke a man to give into sexual temptations, thus leading him into sin.

The term “Man up!” is a term that I end all my posts with. It means, in simple terms, “Be a real man, live virtue!”. If this is offensive to you, that was not my intent.

The reason why I brought up women in pornography was not to place blame or shuck responsibility for men, but to bring to the light that the issues of pornography are occurring because of both genders. If the women of pornography held a higher standard for themselves, there would be no women in porn. The issue of homosexual pornography is all-together something different.

By stating that “if a man is struggling with seeing a color… seek help ASAP” you are missing my point. The point is that even the slightest sexual temptation can lead a man to sin. Men need women to help them along in the journey to holiness, not hinder them. It may seem ludacrous to waste time talking about things like this, but we have to talk about even the seemingly “small” issues. I assure you, the more we turn a blind eye to situations like this, the more we will allow ourselves to be okay with where the world is going. I am not okay with it, and that’s why I’m attempting to shed light on it.

Thanks for your time. If you have any thoughts, comments or questions, please send them my way.

Respectfully,
Dave

Imagining Bras… a Facebook Stunt

Today, female Facebook users everywhere united against an evil that has claimed the lives of many women, breast cancer.  What many of them don’t know, is that their unity may have led some men into serious sin.  Here’s what happened.  Women on Facebook sent around messages among themselves (attempting to leave all males out of the loop) so that all women would put their current bra color as their status update.  Obviously, men caught wind of this, and the secret is out of the bag.

I don’t have a problem with uniting behind a cause.  I don’t have a problem with women wearing bras (I prefer that they do, for modesty’s sake, and their comfort, or so I’m told).  What I have a problem with is when women don’t actively insist on proper behavior from men.  You’re probably thinking to yourself, “How did he jump to that ideal from where he was?”  Easily.  Women should require of men an attitude of service and an attitude of perfection.  When women allow men to act in certain inappropriate ways, it opens the door for men everywhere to “blow it”.  WOMEN, you play a role in men being TrueMen!

Women, when you talk about your bra color, you’re not merely mentioning a bra color, but you’re VIVIDLY describing your breast(s) to a man!  I know it sounds crazy, but your “harmless” act of awareness probably caused many men to sin, I hate to say.  For most guys, they don’t see or think of a bra and stop simply at the fabric and color.  A bra is an intimate thing and makes a man think about other intimate things.  I have to break it to you, men don’t simply stop at the color.

I wanted to share the thoughts of a Naval Officer on this topic: “I know breast cancer awareness is a good thing, but I don’t think the mission was accomplished.  Either 1) guys won’t figure it out and they  will move on with watching the BCS Football Game, or 2) they will pick up on and be drawn down a slippery slope to sin.  I am sure the women did not have this as their intent; they were trying to be fun, flirty and mysterious.  I just cannot condone it.  I personally have not struggled with fantasies for some time, but I led Bible studies for two years while in college, and I know how other men struggle with it.  I guess I just wanted women to know that some men struggle with it, and this is not helping.”

Take heed.  And, on a related side note, did you all realize that if women stopped being in pornography, it would stop?

Man up!

TrueManhood’s Guide to Virtue

Click for TrueManhood’s Guide to Virtue

LEARN VIRTUE, LIVE VIRTUE!

Man up!

One Billion Stories, All Across the Country

I was fortunate enough to meet a young man named Seth DeMoor at the FOCUS Conference in Orlando, Florida last week.  Seth recently graduated from the University of Colorado at Boulder and has decided to ride his bicycle across the country, shooting stories and interviews with as many Catholics as he can.  He’s currently trekking through Florida, heading north and then west.  Seth started a website, One Billion Stories.com and sees this adventure as a pilgrimage and calling.  His tag-line is “Jumping off the fence, leaving behind mediocrity by virtue of video streams.”

He took some time to interview me about TrueManhood.  Hope you like it.  Click HERE for TrueManhood.com on OneBillionStories.com.

If you would, please click on Seth’s link “Can I Help?“.

Man up!

Tuesdays with Daddy – My Primary Vocation & Responsibility

Sometimes it’s hard to clearly determine priorities.  What’s really number one in my life?  Why is it number one?  What else must occur in order for number one to stay number one?  As a husband and father, my primary vocation is to care for my wife and children, and this is where priorities get sticky for me.  In order to care for them, I need to be with them, but at the same time, I also need to provide shelter, clothing, food and safety – the essentials.  In order to provide the essentials, I have to earn money.  In order to earn money, I have to be away from them, either at my office, on the road speaking or at other locations outside the home.  Since I’m also studying for my master’s degree, my time is taxed heavily.  This isn’t even to mention upkeep of the house and vehicles, house chores and other necessary errands that must be completed.  How do I determine rankings of my responsibilities?

I’ve found that taking myself out of the equation is the best way to make the determinations.  What?  Here’s what I mean… I try to remove my desires, my wants, my preferences and instead, place my wife and children (and all of their needs, wants and desires) first.  When I do this, I find that my emotions are kept in check (even though I might want to be making money, hanging with my guy friends or watching a game).  When my emotions are kept in check, I am able to clearly determine what’s important.  Keep in mind, that making money isn’t bad, and hanging with your guy friends isn’t bad.  They are both goods things.  However, if making money, hanging out with your guy friends or any other activity/project/endeavor takes you away from your priorities, they become distractions and hindrances.

So, when determining priorities, I recommend removing yourself and your emotions from the decision making process.  Once you do that, your mind will be clear and you’ll be able to clearly make the right decisions.  Best of luck.

Man up!

Two Stories

I came across this story a while back, and actually used it at a retreat I ran to intro a talk on virtue.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

THE FIRST STORY: Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago. Capone wasn’t famous for anything heroic. He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in everything from bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder.  Capone had a lawyer nicknamed “Easy Eddie.” He was his lawyer for a good reason. Eddie was very good! In fact, Eddie’s skill at legal maneuvering kept Big Al out of jail for a long time.

To show his appreciation, Capone paid Eddie very well.  Not only was the money big, but Eddie also got special dividends.  For instance, he and his family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the conveniences of the day. The estate was so large that it filled an entire Chicago City block.

Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to the atrocities that went on around him.  Eddie had a soft spot, however. He had a son that he loved dearly. Eddie saw to it that his young son had clothes, cars, and a good education. Nothing was withheld. Price was no object. And, despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong. Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was. Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he couldn’t give his son; he couldn’t pass on a good name or a good example.

One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Eddie wanted to rectify wrongs he had done.  He decided he would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al “Scarface” Capone, clean up his tarnished name, and offer his son some semblance of integrity. To do this, he would have to testify against The Mob, and he knew that the cost would be great.

So, he testified. Within the year, Easy Eddie’s life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago Street. But in his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer, at the greatest price he could ever pay.  Police removed from his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion, and a poem clipped from a magazine. The poem read: The clock of life is wound but once, And no man has the power to tell just when the hands will stop at late or early hour. Now is the only time you own. Live, love, toil with a will. Place no faith in time. For the clock may soon be still.

THE SECOND STORY: World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander Butch O’Hare. He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier Lexington in the South Pacific. One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission. After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank. He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship. His flight leader told him to return to the carrier. Reluctantly, he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet.

As he was returning to the ship he saw something that turned his blood cold: a squadron of Japanese aircraft were speeding their way toward the American fleet. The American fighters were gone on a sortie, and the fleet was all but defenseless. He couldn’t reach his squadron and bring them back in time to save the fleet. Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger.

There was only one thing to do. He must somehow divert them from the fleet. Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes. Wing-mounted 50 caliber’s blazed as he charged in, attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another. Butch wove in and out of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes as possible until all his ammunition was finally spent. Undaunted, he continued the assault. He dove at the planes, trying to clip a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible and rendering them unfit to fly.

Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction.  Deeply relieved, Butch O’Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the carrier. Upon arrival, he reported in and related the event surrounding his return. The film from the gun-camera mounted on his plane told the tale.  It showed the extent of Butch’s daring attempt to protect his fleet. He had, in fact, destroyed five enemy aircraft.

This took place on February 20, 1942, and for that action Butch became the Navy’s first Ace of W.W.II, and the first Naval Aviator to win the Congressional Medal of Honor.  A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29.

His home town would not allow the memory of this WW II hero to fade, and today, O’Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of this great man. So, the next time you find yourself at O’Hare International, give some thought to visiting Butch’s memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of Honor. It’s located between Terminals 1 and 2.

SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?

Butch O’Hare was “Easy Eddie’s” son!

Man up!

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