A Way for a Woman to Guard Her Heart
I was asked not too long ago what “guard your heart” really means. The answer isn’t cut and dry, especially because each of us has different experiences, different relationships, different baggage, etc. However, when asked this question, I attempted to answer with an analogy that I’d like to share with you now. I told the young woman the following:
(For the Ladies) Imagine that your heart is inside a giant mansion. Imagine that at the outskirts of the mansion there’s a guard tower
with an armed guard inside. Surrounding the mansion is a 15′-high electrified fence. Inside the fence are several Dobermans who haven’t eaten lately. On this side of the dogs is a large, triple-thick, rock wall with a gate that has a special code used to get in. Inside the rock wall is a large bullet-proof metal door with 7 deadbolts.
Now imagine that you’re early in a relationship with a man. Guarding your heart is prudently allowing the guard to take an extended leave of absence. The fence is still electrified, the dogs are still there, the gate is still down and the door is still locked – 7 times no less. The man gets a little closer to your heart, but still doesn’t have unlimited access. Little by little you reduce the security and over time, through prudent thinking and decision making, you begin to allow the man closer to your heart and allow him to have more access to you. He gazes into your heart from a distance… sort of like looking through the windows of the mansion… and from his gaze, he begins to learn about your heart. Seeing into the heart is different than having unabated access to the heart.
For many people, it may seem too hard to guard their heart. For many people, it may seem too late to guard their heart. If pain from relationships-gone-bad, lack of trust after a break up (or after every break up) and utter disappointment in relationships in general is fun for you, then keep up the common mistakes and lack of protection for your heart. If, however, you come to understand that your heart is worth guarding because you are a precious daughter of God and because you deserve only the best in life, then take the necessary steps to start guarding your heart now. If a man in your life is too close to your heart (or maybe inside the mansion), do what’s best for you and ask him to take a few steps back. It will be hard at first, and may even seem pointless, but in the long run, it will be a blessing. Trust me.
The analogy is based on the context of a relationship, but we should each be guarding our hearts from evil, sin and unclean outside influences as well.
Men, if you are too close to a woman’s heart, or inside the mansion, do the respectable, virtuous thing and take some steps backward. This is not to suppress your feelings, your love or your desire for her. This behavior is to show her that she’s worth the very best. At the right time, you take the proper steps to win over her heart fully. Once married, hearts become one in the Sacrament.
TrueMan up!
Oh my gosh. I gotta be honest–your analogy almost made me laugh out loud! It sounded like a SWAT exercise. Ha! What girl doesn’t want to imagine that her heart’s got electric fencing and attack dogs in it??
I was totally with you when you started out with, “Imagine your heart is like a giant mansion…” I was seeing crenelated minarets, lush gardens, maybe even a moat in the distance!
Then it kinda came crashing down when I got to “15′-high electrified fence”. And Dobermans who haven’t eaten lately? You’re a total guy. Kudos. 🙂
Haley,
Obviously, this analogy lacks in many ways, but my hope was that women see 1. the importance of guarding their heart and 2. potential ways to keep men at bay. I’m not hoping to be canonized by this analogy!
When a woman hears about or sees a guard shack, a 15′-high electrified fence, and a door with 7 deadbolts, she thinks of it differently than a guy does. The guy either wisely respects the barrier or stupidly thinks he’s superior to it. If a woman recognizes that a man feels superior to the barriers she has placed in the relationship, she should quickly realize that he’s ‘out of whack’ and needs to put the brakes on.
It’s important for women to know how men think and vice versa. This is hopefully a glimpse into a man’s brain!
Pax Tecum,
Dave
Ok, so this totally stuck with me as I was getting ready to leave the house to run errands, so I had to come back.
As I thought about it, I kept asking myself, “Isn’t what he described actually a more accurate description of the fortifications around a man’s heart?” And, “Isn’t it a large part of the feminine genius that a woman doesn’t, in fact, have a 15′ high electric fence around her heart?” After all, if she were meant to have such a defense, how did the Serpent so easily seduce the first woman?
If this is the case, then, doesn’t a feminine heart’s defenses have to be much less obvious and much more cunning? I couldn’t help but think of Lady Wisdom: “prudence will watch over you; and understanding will guard you” (Proverbs 2:11). After all, “Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace (Proverbs 3:17).
Proverbs 4:23 instructs us, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” And this brings me back to the idea of a moat! It’s just as effective for keeping things out, as keeping things in, so I think it’s a perfect defense, since I’m convinced women often fail to guard their hearts by sharing too much, especially if it’s about a crush they have on a guy (cf. verse 24-25: “Put away from you crooked speech, and put devious talk far from you. Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you”). I believe each unrequited crush can break away a little piece of your heart, which you never get back! Therefore, at the drawbridge in my analogy, I’d place two stately bronze lion statues to guard the entrance; they represent a trusted friend or spiritual director, with whom a woman can share when she has a crush on someone or when a guy stands knocking at the door of her heart. The eyes of the lions might seem to follow anyone who approaches, but their interventions would be unknown to visitors. A woman’s “guard” (trusted spiritual director or closest friend) would question any guest’s intentions, asking whether he might be manipulating her with shows of affection [1], or whether his intentions seem trust-worthy. The same guard would also caution her about fantasizing about a guy she has a crush on, or sharing the deepest desires of her heart too freely amongst other friends and acquaintances. Her emotions would remain safely inside and in check, and everyone who approached would be examined reasonably.
I think a hidden archer in a crenelated minaret would be perfect for keeping watch over what’s taking place both within and without. We can assume this archer’s precision is legendary, and that he’s been known to stop a man in his tracks with a well-placed arrow in the toe of a riding boot. The archer would be on the lookout for what’s being brought in to fill up the larders of the mansion, for how can a woman guard her heart if she’s on a steady diet of chick flicks and other such fantasies? I’ve been fascinated with Caryll Houselander’s “Reed of God”, a meditation on Mary and spiritual virginity. She explains how we’re meant to be empty vessels who are filled by the Blood of Christ, not with unrealistic tales, fleeting pursuits, and the busy distractions of the world. [2]
I suppose I could go on endlessly, but I still have those errands to run. Hopefully these thoughts aren’t completely irrelevant.
Good luck with your busy week, Dave!
hjt
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[1] John Paul II says, “Consequently each man must look within himself to see whether she who was entrusted to him as a sister in humanity, as a spouse, has not become in his heart an object of adultery; to see whether she who, in different ways, is the cosubject of his existence in the world, has not become for him an “object”: an object of pleasure, of exploitation” (Mulieris Dignitatiem, 14)
[2] Our late Holy Father speaks of vocational virginity in Mulieris Dignitatem, which I think is a helpful reflection for single ladies: “In this wider context, virginity has to be considered also as a path for women, a path on which they realize their womanhood in a way different from marriage. In order to understand this path, it is necessary to refer once more to the fundamental idea of Christian anthropology. By freely choosing virginity, women confirm themselves as persons, as beings whom the Creator from the beginning has willed for their own sake. At the same time they realize the personal value of their own femininity by becoming ‘a sincere gift’ for God who has revealed himself in Christ, a gift for Christ, the Redeemer of humanity and the Spouse of souls: a ‘spousal’ gift” (#20). Our ability to be gifts can be found in our emptiness, and in the means by which we are formed into vessels…or so Houselander would say. I can’t recommend her reflections on this in “Reed of God” highly enough!
Hi Dave,
I just wanted to say THANK YOU for this article!! It made a lot of great points and while your descriptions were incredibly militaristic, nevertheless they were helpful and provided a sound visual! 🙂 So often I have witnessed pain when there is a lack of emotional or physical boundaries in place. I particularly appreciated your point about how “little by little over time” the woman can reveal her interior to the man, or allow him inside her mansion. in this world where everything is at your fingertips, from texting, to online relationships, facebook, e-mail, and instant gratification, this idea of the crucial importance of TIME has been largely lost. Women need to be encouraged to embrace that idea of time, for it is in this passage of time that they will come to know the man most fully. Thanks for this great post!
Ashley
Ashley,
Thanks for reading the article and commenting. There should be a follow up ‘guest post’ coming from a good female friend of my wife and me. She will spell it out from a woman’s perspective, much differently than I did.
I wanted to point out that I was writing from a standpoint of how a woman should look at potential suiters, not necessarily from the standpoint of how a woman should look at the situation if already in a relationship. The militaristic feel comes from the need for ‘defense of the heart’, as opposed to the natural process that SHOULD be taking place in relationships to reveal oneself to another.
I hope it makes sense. Look for the woman’s version coming soon.
Dave