ASK AN EXPERT – BACK TO THE CATHOLIC FAITH

My latest Ask an Expert response on iibloom.com:

QUESTION: What can I do for my 20 yr old son to come back to the Catholic faith?

ANSWER: This question is on the mind of parents everywhere. There isn’t a cookie-cutter answer because your son (and everyone else’s adult child) is unique. Please realize that the answer to the question for you and your son could take years to figure out. And, you have to be able to come to grips with the fact that your son may never return to the faith. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but a reality. On a personal level, I relate closely to this topic because I put my parents, family and friends through the very same thing about 10 years ago when I was 19 years old. I’ll get to the reason why I came back to the faith, but first, let me give a few generic answers for you to consider and possibly act on. 

First off, you may not be the right person to talk to your adult child about their faith life – or lack thereof. On the other hand, you might be just the person. I recommend determining whether you think you are this person or not. Be objective, keeping in mind that, unfortunately, your adult child may not want to listen to you. Objectivity, not subjectivity, is key to making this distinction. As their parent, you want them to “get it,” but it’s not that simple. 

Secondly, there are lots of reasons why people leave the faith. However, I have never come across a person who knew that the Catholic Church was the fullness of the truth and willingly left. This isn’t to say that there’s someone out there like this, but it’s unlikely. The important thing to keep in mind here is that knowing and loving are two separate things. It is simply not enough for someone to have head-knowledge of the person of Jesus and never come into a loving relationship with Him. The loving relationship with Christ comes from a conversion, or turning away from our sinful ways, and turning towards God. Conversion may be the farthest thing in your son’s mind. You can’t make the conversion take place, but you can be like St. Augustine’s mother, St. Monica, who was relentless in her prayer, suffering, penance and example for her son. What she was successful at was knowing her role in the necessary conversion of her son, who was far worse than your son, and who became a doctor of the Church. 

Next, if his catechesis (knowledge of, understanding of and reasoning for the faith) is poor, there won’t be a compelling-enough reason to go to Mass. If his catechesis is poor, it means that Mass isn’t about receiving the Eucharist, the greatest gift God could have ever given to us, His people, but that Mass is an obligation that takes time and energy. Mass in the latter case becomes tedious and boring, something merely to check off a list and not something that is viewed as a privilege and an honor. This is the way that many “fallen away” Catholics view Mass. They were never taught the WHY, only the WHAT. The WHAT never suffices in and of itself. 

There is most likely a disconnect somewhere for him. It is quite possible that you did a lot of great things raising your son and for some personal reason, he is choosing to abandon his faith – the faith you want so badly for him to possess. It is also quite possible that he doesn’t have a foundational understanding of the WHY of our faith and therefore doesn’t believe that the faith is practical, and that emotionally it’s easier to live a godless life than to deal with all the outdated rules, for example. If we, as parents, don’t know, love and live our faith, why should we ever expect our children to? He may have gone to Catholic school all his life, or been in every CCD class your parish offered. That’s not enough because true conversion hasn’t taken place yet. 

We all need role models to emulate. There’s a man in your son’s life that is a faithful Catholic man, that “has it all,” that loves life, that cherishes his wife, that is a man’s man and that your son trusts. Depending on this man, either suggest to your son to go and speak with him, or invite the man to engage your son in conversation. I am willing to bet that in order for your son to go through the necessary steps for true conversion, that a real relationship is going to be an absolute must. This trustworthy man could be just the thing your son needs. It will take time. 

The reason I came back to the faith had nothing to do with my family, it had everything to do with joy. I was on my college campus, an anti-Catholic, Evangelical, sola-scriptura Christian. I fought with people about the faith, I pushed the faith aside and I hated Catholicism. Soon, my life turned to despair, hopelessness and was riddled with doubt. I looked around at all the people who I considered to be my friends and they all had something I wanted. They had joy, in the deepest sense of the word. Their joy caused me to rethink everything I had turned away from. I went on a long journey and through their example, returned to the vibrant faith that I now know and love. 

Keep the faith and pray that your son will have a conversion and come to understand and love the faith which we hold so dear. Blessings, Dave.