Cultural Manliness Takes Its Toll

I made a point tonight to watch the Jesse James interview on ABC’s Nightline.  Jesse was going to be speaking about his marriage-gone-bad and his acts of infidelity and I thought it would be some decent fodder for the site.  Jesse has been in the spotlight, limelight and tab-light ever since the news of his infidelity hit the wires.  Jesse is married to “America’s Sweetheart”, Sandra Bullock.  The divorce papers have been filed.

During the interview, Jesse appeared embarrassed, ashamed and scared.  He seemed to mix his ‘bad boy’ persona with, what I believe to be his real persona, honesty.  I don’t believe that this interview will ‘reinstate’ him, but I believe that there are a few points worth mentioning.

1. Jesse appeared honest.  He didn’t attempt to sugarcoat what he had done, he took responsibility and ownership of his horrible choices and knows that he has to deal with those consequences.
2. Jesse appeared to understand the pain and tragedy that he has caused both Sandra and, more devastating than that, his children.  I believe that he showed that his children are important to him and that he knows he messed up royally.  At the time of his acts of indiscretion, he was unconcerned with the effects of his actions.  Now, however, it appears that he realizes just how much his actions effect those around him.  I don’t think the choked-up tears were a show.
3. Jesse is missing something huge in his life.  [I hate to make this assumption, but it was pretty clear to me, after watching the interview that…]  Jesse is missing God in his life.  There’s a huge gap, a gap that can only be filled by the Father’s love.  If Jesse has a relationship with God, it wasn’t apparent in any of his actions or words.
4. Jesse is a walking testament that Cultural Manliness takes its toll on a man.  Going after power, money, sex and stuff will only leave you empty.  The allure of Cultural Manliness is that it appears so enjoyable, so laid-back, so tempting.  Jesse spoke about how perfect his life was, yet he gave into the temptation of what the world tells us is manly.  It left him wanting more.  Jesse admitted that he had many extra-marital affairs, and that “it could have been a million women.”  His point was that even one act of infidelity was too much.  He, obviously, is correct in his thinking.  By giving into the temptations of Cultural Manliness, Jesse found himself nearly at the end of his rope.
5. Jesse spoke about being physically and emotionally abused as a child.  Although I sympathize with abused persons, it does not justify poor, or even abusive, behavior.  Jesse cannot hide behind his past experiences of abuse.  He must continue to own his actions and encourage other victims of abuse to do the same.

In closing, I partially feel bad for Jesse James and I also am disgusted by him.  Cultural Manliness left the guy empty and alone.  He made some mistakes and although it’s unlikely, he could change.  He could come to know Christ and become a faithful Catholic.  On the other hand, he knew what was right and wrong the entire time and decide to throw it all away for some sex.  He had (and still has) a great deal of influence on our world and I believe he took that for granted.

TrueMan up!

GUEST POST – Guarding Your Heart, Women’s Edition Part 2

Here’s Part 2 from Haley’s post the other day about guarding your heart, from a woman’s perspective.  For Part 1, click HERE.

I hope you’re not sick of the analogy, yet, because Part One was just the beginning!  To return to our castle…

If you have a moat, you’ve got to have a drawbridge, right?  So at the drawbridge of my heart-castle, I’d place two stately bronze lion statues to guard the entrance; they represent a trusted friend and/or spiritual director, with whom I can share when I have a crush on someone or when a guy stands knocking at the door of my heart. The eyes of the lions might seem to follow anyone who approaches, but their interventions would be unknown to visitors. A woman’s “guard” (trusted spiritual director or closest friend) would question any guest’s intentions, asking whether he might be manipulating her with shows of affection, or whether his intentions seem trust-worthy. The same guard would also caution her about fantasizing about a guy she has a crush on, or sharing the deepest desires of her heart too freely amongst other friends and acquaintances. Her emotions would remain safely inside and in check, and everyone who approached would be examined reasonably.

High above our heart-castle stands a crenellated minaret, in which an archer waits hidden from any curious eyes lingering below.  This archer keeps watch over what’s taking place both within and without. We can assume his marksmanship is legendary, and that he’s been known to stop a man in his tracks with a well-placed arrow in the toe of a riding boot. The archer would also be on the lookout for what’s being brought in to fill up the larders of the castle, for how can a woman guard her heart if she’s on a steady diet of chick flicks and other such fantasies?  To draw a coarse parallel: if men are easily seduced by pornography, then women are easily seduced by fairy tales and chick flicks.  The romance presented to us by the movies stirs our hearts, and it’s no coincidence!  Hollywood is well aware of what we desire: a man to rescue us, find us beautiful, and sweep us off on the adventure of a lifetime.

These desires aren’t bad, they’re natural and good!  However, ultimately, we must place our confidence in One Man—the One who rescued us from death and invites us on an eternal adventure…the One who created us in His own image, and finds us priceless, beautiful, and worthy of His love.  If we spend more time fixated on the newest leading man then we spend contemplating the New Adam—Christ!—then our hearts will be compromised [1].  Recently, I’ve been fascinated with Caryll Houselander’s “Reed of God”, a meditation on Mary and spiritual virginity. She explains how we’re meant to be empty vessels who are filled by the Blood of Christ, not with unrealistic tales, fleeting pursuits, and the busy distractions of the world [2].

I think these natural desires of the feminine heart are the areas in which the devil most likes to attack us (which I mentioned in the previous post).  Our trusty archer must also be on the lookout for an aerial assault: arrows sent straight into the core of our hearts—lies from the devil, himself.  From personal experience and the stories of other women, I think he lies to us like this: ”You’re not beautiful. You’re not desirable. You’re not loveable.” Think about it; do you know many women who are deeply conflicted by lies like these: “You’re not funny. You’re not patient. You’re not aware of the feelings of those around you”?  No, of course not!  He presents lies that feed on our deepest desires!   Why wouldn’t he?  They’re so darn effective!  It’s only been in the last year or two that I’ve become aware of this insidious assault on my heart and have started recognizing the lies placed there by the devil, himself.  It’s so freeing just to name them to yourself whenever you catch one!  A spiritual director or a trusted, well-formed friend can help you start to recognize these falsehoods planted in your imagination by the evil one.  (On that note, remember that God never promised our lives would be a Tom-Hanks-and-Meg-Ryan-romp-in-the-park!  Don’t let the devil convince you that if it isn’t, it’s not worth living.  He’s a big, fat liar, so keep a look-out for him!)

That’s about as far as I’ve imagined the analogy.  I’m sure we could expand it much further, but for now, I hope it’s been helpful!  And I hope some of you will share your own thoughts about this topic in the comments.

Haley

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[1] “Christ speaks to women about the things of God, and they understand them; there is a true resonance of mind and heart, a response of faith. Jesus expresses appreciation and admiration for this distinctly ‘feminine’ response, as in the case of the Canaanite woman (cf. Mt 15:28)” (Mulieris Dignitatem, 15).

[2] Our late Holy Father speaks of vocational virginity in Mulieris Dignitatem, which I think is a helpful reflection for single ladies: “In this wider context, virginity has to be considered also as a path for women, a path on which they realize their womanhood in a way different from marriage. In order to understand this path, it is necessary to refer once more to the fundamental idea of Christian anthropology. By freely choosing virginity, women confirm themselves as persons, as beings whom the Creator from the beginning has willed for their own sake. At the same time they realize the personal value of their own femininity by becoming ‘a sincere gift’ for God who has revealed himself in Christ, a gift for Christ, the Redeemer of humanity and the Spouse of souls: a ’spousal’ gift” (#20). Our ability to be gifts can be found in our emptiness, and in the means by which we are formed into vessels…or so Houselander would say. I can’t recommend her reflections on this in “Reed of God” highly enough!

Scandal, Scandal Everywhere

Does anyone else feel like Satan is really attacking the Church hard the past few weeks?  And I don’t just mean his normal tactics; I’m talking huge attacks.  He’s shaking things up close to the foundation and doing major damage in the hearts and minds of many wayward Catholics around the world.  It seems like everywhere I look, every article that gets sent to me and every post about the Church on Facebook… it’s all slander, and scandal.  In the past day, I read about 12 Catholic priests in South America coming out in favor of ‘gay rights’, about a former Lutheran pastor (married, with 6 children) becoming a Catholic priest and about the controversial statements made by Cardinal Schonborn of Vienna, Austria.  These stories don’t shake my faith, but they spark doubt and confusion in the minds of many.

For those who don’t believe in Satan (the Prince of Lies), he exists.  You don’t have to believe in him in order for him to exist.  Actually, the more you don’t believe in him, the less you acknowledge his presence, the more work he can do in your life.  He’s attacking the Church now, I believe, because people’s faith is weak and moral relativism is at an all-time high.  Being aware of where you stand is essential in fighting Satan.

What are we to do about these attacks?  How can one man, a guy like me, do anything to ‘right wrongs’ in the Church?  How can I make a large enough impact to justify doing even one small thing?  The answer starts at home.  You MUST be living as an authentic disciple of Christ.  If you are married, you must be encouraging your wife to do the same.  If you have children, you must raise them in the faith.  This is not a faith of ‘pick-and-choose’… your faith must be solid and unwaivering.  Our faith isn’t individual to us.  It is universal, to the entire Church.  That prevents us from thinking we can make decisions of faith and morals on our own.  If you’re living the faith at home, it translates into living it in the workplace, during leisure time and on vacation (at least it should.)  If we live authentic lives for Christ, others will see and will want the joy that we have.  This may seem too simplistic for some, but the truth of the matter is that arguing with people about scandals in the Church rarely allows for conversion, and only distances their desire for God.

With all of the scandals hitting the news lately, I encourage all of us to pray heartily for the Church.  It is times such as these that we must remain faithful and firm in our resolution to defend against evil.

TrueMan up!

GUEST POST – Guarding Your Heart, Women’s Edition

Haley Timmons is the Youth Group Director at a Catholic parish in the Archdiocese of Denver and a dear friend of our family.

After reading Dave’s post on April 24^th about ‘A Way for a Woman to Guard Her Heart’, I had to ask, “Isn’t it a large part of the feminine genius that a woman doesn’t, in fact, have a 15′ high electric fence around her heart?” After all, if she were meant to have such a defense, how did the Serpent so easily seduce the first woman?

He was kind enough to explain to me that his analogy was meant to apply to a situation in which a woman found herself surrounded by less-than-holy men, who were just looking for a good time or some arm candy to take to the next party.  I immediately agreed that in such a situation, a yard full of hungry guard dogs would be exactly what was needed!  If I were to give a similar analogy to the teen girls I work with, it would probably resemble the picture he painted of a maximum security compound!

Here’s the thing, though: our defenses against emotional devastation are just as important as our defenses against physical/sexual relationship issues.  As I thought about this, I realized that my ideas about guarding my heart are—as Dave put it—indeed influenced by my own ‘different experiences, different relationships,’ expectations, etc.  My first thoughts about a woman’s heart are probably less about fending off hormone-crazed guys and more about spiritually and emotionally protecting my heart, and I guess that goes to show how seldom I go to bars and how often I hang out at parties populated by men and women who are practicing Catholics, like myself!  When I find myself surrounded by friends and meeting new guys who are faithful and well formed, my approach to guarding my heart is not quite like the one Dave described.

In fact, rather than resembling a S.W.A.T. exercise, I think our feminine hearts’ defenses have to be much less obvious and much more cunning (assuming, of course, that we’re operating in a safe environment, surrounded by trustworthy men, who aren’t going to slip something scary into our drinks!).  I couldn’t help but think of Lady Wisdom: “prudence will watch over you; and understanding will guard you” (Proverbs 2:11). After all, “Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace (Proverbs 3:17).  So if we can return to the analogy of the mansion that is our heart, I’ll admit that the first thing I picture in my minds’ eye is more of a fairy tale castle than a modern day mansion (but more on fairy tales, a little later!).

Proverbs 4:23 instructs us, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” And ‘springs’ make me think of a moat! Picture a moat surrounding your heart-castle: it’s just as effective for keeping things out, as keeping things in. I think this makes it a perfect defense, since I’m convinced women often fail to guard their hearts by sharing too much WITH a guy or ABOUT a guy.  It may be obvious that sharing too much about your past, your inner emotions, your prayer life, and your hopes and dreams WITH a guy may be opening the doors to your heart prematurely.  I’ll spell this one out, just in case it’s not obvious to a few of you (a recent conversation with a young man who was a senior in high school makes me think this isn’t as obvious to some guys!): a guy will give a girl emotional intimacy in order to gain physical intimacy with her, whereas a girl will allow physical intimacy in hopes of gaining emotional intimacy with him.  If both the girl and the guy are mature, it may not be so animalistic as this; HOWEVER, sharing your deepest fears and desires with a man who is not a very serious, committed boyfriend could be devastating.  Whenever we share such thoughts, our emotions get tied to the person with whom we’ve entrusted them, whether we intend them to or not.  That’s just a part of the feminine genius.

Getting back to the ‘ABOUT’ part: if you’re not in a serious dating relationship, your heart may occasionally be consumed by a crush.  I speak from personal experience, as I spent the better part of last year crushing on a particular guy, so I feel like this is still rather fresh in my memory!  Here’s how I tried to protect my heart in the midst of a serious crush: “Put away from you crooked speech, and put devious talk far from you. Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you” (Proverbs 4:24-25).  I’m convinced a crush stirs up feelings in our hearts that are intensified whenever we verbalize them to friends or spend time daydreaming about him.  Here’s where the moat is needed to keep stuff INSIDE!  The feelings and time we expend on a crush can never be recovered, especially if it remains an unrequited crush.  This can break away a little piece of our heart, which we’ll never get back!  It also sets up a perfect storm for the devil to attack you (more on this later, as well): i.e., if the devil wants to discourage you, all he has to do is point out that the guy you had a crush on never noticed you or loved you back.  Therefore, keeping our gaze straight on what lies before us is to focus on where our heart lingers, correct ourselves if we slip into fantasies, and refrain from scheming with our friends about how to get the attention of our latest crush!

If this as given you some food for thought, great!  If not, hopefully my next post will be helpful to you.  Until next time!

Haley

The ‘Other’ Option

The video below is a parody done by some guys from an evangelical Protestant church.  It appears that I’m poking fun at them, but in fact, they’re poking fun at themselves.  The video is really funny, especially to someone like myself who spent several years attending and ‘worshiping’ in this sort of setting.  For those who haven’t experienced a service like this, I recommend you stick to the Mass.

What’s the difference?  Can’t we all celebrate and worship the way we feel is best for us?  NO!!!  Christ instituted the Church and the rituals, celebrations and Sacraments the way He wanted them to be!  When we deviate from what Christ intended, we lose total focus and begin living relativistic Christianity.  Bad news.  Instead, stay true to what Christ instituted.  Want to know what He intended?  Read the Gospels!  But don’t just read the Gospels, because unless you speak/write/read Greek and have a 1st Century Hebrew worldview, you’re going to miss too much.  Get other resources (such as commentaries, for instance) that explain what’s happening in the Gospels.  If you have questions, please email us for help.  Info@TrueManhood.com

If you can’t view the video, click HERE.

TrueMan up!

Where Are The Men?

Tonight, we went to Mass at a local parish we had never been to.  I’ve been wanting to go to a Mass there because I know several people who are parishioners at the parish who really like it.  After tonight, I’m confused as to why.  Besides the typical architectural disaster that this building was, the misplacement of the tabernacle and the lack of Catholic art (good statues, stained glass, etc.), the sense of what was about to happen was not Mass… it wasn’t sacred… it wasn’t important… it was just a thing.  That’s what I got when I first walked in.

As Mass started, I was highly disappointed in what was taking place… a jazz concert masked by the appearance of a worship service.  Between the really obnoxious singers (all mic’d up individually, ouch!) and the electronic drum set, I couldn’t figure out what was happening… was it about the music group? or about the Mass?  In my mind, the music was winning, although it didn’t have much of a following in the congregation.  As Mass continued, I realized what the problem was.  It was shouting at me loud and clear…

There were virtually NO MEN in servant-leadership roles!  The vast majority of the servant-leaders were women, which has almost nothing to do with the women, and everything to do with the men.  When men don’t actively serve in parish life, specifically in the Mass, a parish is going to suffer.  Here’s the scenario at this parish; these numbers are typical for most parishes around the country.

• When we walked in, three women greeted us, no men were to be found. 0-3.
• There were 3 altar servers, 2 were young girls.  1-5.
• In the rockin’ jazz/pop/r&b, happy happy clap clap band there was 1 man, 7 women.  2-12.
• There were 4 ushers… all women!  2-16.  (Men weren’t even ushering, ahhh!!!)
• Out of the excessive 9 Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion, 2 were men.  4-23.
• The ‘commentator’, lectors and cantor were all women.  4-27.
• Oh yeah, the priest was a man.  5-27.

So, out of 32 servant-leadership positions, (31 really, when you remove the priest from the list) only 4 were filled by men!  And one of those 4 was a 12 year-old boy altar server!  This is despicable.  Again, this has nothing to do with the women, and everything to do with the men!  I’ll explain myself in more detail, in the next post… you’ve got to come back!

TrueMan up!

“Into the Wild” Weekend Retreat with The King’s Men

My friends Mark Houck and Damian Wargo over at The King’s Men put on an awesome (and manly!) weekend retreat in the wilderness of eastern Pennsylvania called “Into the Wild”.  I highly suggest that if you’re in the area, or if you can make it to eastern PA for one of these upcoming weekends, that you make this weekend happen.

Here’s what they have to say about it:

Rugged Outdoor Men’s Retreat!
The King’s Men are sponsoring a retreat for men called “Into the  Wild” at French Creek State Park on June 10-13th.  This experiential weekend features fishing, orienteering, outdoor cooking, archery, and faith presented in a masculine  modality.  No experience is necessary and space is limited.  “Into the Wild” is excellent for single or married men as well as fathers and sons.  More information at www.intothewildweekend.com or call Damian Wargo at  215-906-8878.  Financial aid is available.

TrueMan up!

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