GUEST POST – from Dean Soto – “So What Do You Do?”

When I returned from a deployment to the war in Iraq that lasted from March of 2008 to March of 2009, several aspects of my life had changed. Even though my year stint was rather benign and uneventful, something unknowingly grew inside of me that affects the majority of men today.

For a year I had a fire growing inside of me in which I wanted to further my current career, start a new business, and help other Catholics to do the same. The problem was – it was all I could think about and talk about when I returned home. For months my wife endured emotional loneliness, my 1 and a half year-old daughter wanted nothing to do with me, and I was completely oblivious to it all. My work and aspirations consumed me to the point where my family felt closer to me while I was 5,000 miles away, than they did when I was with them.

Throughout history, but especially today, men have defined themselves – and their worth – by what they do. Think about when you meet someone new. Typically, the conversation starts off with the formality of finding out the person’s name and how they know so-and-so, but within minutes the conversation turns to, “So what do you do?” This is perfectly natural and expected, but our culture takes it to the extreme and ensnares us with 2 traps that Catholic men of earlier ages rarely faced: the lack of trust in divine providence and the loss of self-worth.

I was trapped in a pit of despair that only Christ and my family could save me from. My wife made it clear that something needed to change, and change fast, before our marriage started to break apart. What happened over time was that I began to see that what I did, did not define who I was. In other words, just because I didn’t reach the goals that I wanted to as a businessman and entrepreneur (which were unreasonable to begin with), didn’t mean that I wasn’t worth something. My wife wanted to share my life, and could care less about how much I earned. My daughter had no clue what I did professionally, she only wanted her daddy to make her laugh. Through the grace of God – and ironically through a secular entrepreneur that I admire – I was able to let go. I allowed God to change my priorities to reflect what He would desire, and not what I thought was best.

I still have the fire in me to be successful, but how I view success is much different. As a Catholic man, God and my family come first – no exceptions. All of my ventures are done after my family has gone to bed. Success is not what I do, but who I am in Christ. Christ sacrificed himself for the Church, and the least I could do is sacrifice my desires for my family.

St. Thomas More, when faced with the prospect of losing everything, told his family that he would be just as happy begging in the streets with them as he would being comfortable in his house. What we do for a living does not define who we are. I am a Catholic man. My love for Christ, love for my family, and trust in a God that will never forsake me defines who I am.

Dean Soto is the author of productivecatholic.com, a blog designed to help Catholics find holiness in their work. He is also the owner of Pro Sulum, LLC, an IT consulting company, and Shiistr.com an online social network that aims to save people money on food. His primary mission is to help Catholics to use their professional talents and abilities to further the cause of the Church and their local parishes, and advocates a view that all Catholics should help the Church by doing what they are passionate about.

Tuesdays with Daddy – “You Really Do Reap What You Sow”

Another installment of “Tuesdays with Daddy”.  For those who don’t know, I stay home with my two young daughters on Tuesdays and always have something important to blog about.

Today, I realized that we really do reap what we sow.  This morning, as I woke up with my two year old, I was amazed at how sweet she was.  She was saying things to me, like, “Daddy, may I please have some more cereal?” and “Daddy, I love you, VERY MUCH!” and “Daddy, you’re wonderful!”

Do you see where I’m going with this?  She’s repeating back to me phrases and statements (tone is important here, too) that I tell her often.  If I regularly talked to her in rough words, or words that aren’t loving, caring and sincere, she would talk to me that way too.  Eventually, she would probably speak to her teachers, coaches and friends in that same manner.  Instead, I choose to speak to her in the way I want her to speak to me and the rest of the world – lovingly.  (Be assured, I am firm when I need to be firm and scold when I need to scold.)

We really do reap what we sow.  And we’re constantly being watched.  With my girls, I’m being watched all the time.  As a follower of Christ, I simply cannot choose to abandon this responsibility.  I MUST work to exemplify Christ at all times.  I drop the ball quite often (as many of you know) but continue to get up and fight.  It’s a lot of responsibility, but if we expect to see change in our world for God, we must take this challenge on.

In your own life, I challenge you to figure out what you are sowing.  Are you sowing love?  Are you sowing anger, hatred, lust?  We really do reap what we sow.

Man up!

Tuesdays with Daddy – Their Life in My Hands

As I’ve mentioned before, I have the distinct honor and pleasure of staying home each and every Tuesday with my two young daughters.  I plan to make my time with them a regular theme of my posts on Tuesdays because so much happens in a day’s time that a good amount of it is blog-worthy.

Today, something that struck me in a way it never had before, is the fact that my daughter’s lives are in my hands.  It is my responsibility to give them the love they need, that they desire and that they deserve.  This idea of “what they deserve” keeps resonating with me because I could easily fail to give them that.  I could easily slack off and be lazy and do the bare-minimum.  If I do, their lives will be forever altered because of it.  I simply can’t (and won’t) take that chance.  So, when I find myself doing less than my best, I have to remember that I can’t do less than 100%; they need 100%, the deserve 100%.

I know lots of fathers and lots of great examples of men who strive for this 100%-self-giving love.  You know at least one great dad in this world, hopefully your own.  Take a minute over the next few days to give him (or them) a pat on the back for the good job they do or have done.

Man up!

Smokin’ in a Blizzard

It’s been pretty cold here the last few days.  The cold and snow typically get people to bundle up and only go out when they have to.  Yesterday, however, I drove past a car with the driver’s side window down.  At first, I thought it was because the driver was smoking, which turned out to be the case, but as I took a closer look, I noticed that a young boy was sitting in his car seat in the backseat of the car.  Now, this blog isn’t about telling people not to smoke – smoking is gross and everyone already knows that.  If someone chooses to smoke, they’ve already given up.  What this blog IS about is challenging males to be better, to be TrueMen.

In the case of this father (the assumption here is that the man driving the car is the child’s father), not only was he smoking around his child, which is statistically proven to [enormously] increase the chances of his son smoking, starting at a young age, but more importantly he was playing freeze-out with his two year old in order to smoke!  Yesterday’s high was around 28 degrees Fahrenheit!  Does it sound to you like the father has his child’s best interest at heart?  Or, as it appears to me, does the father have his nicotine addiction as his number one priority?

It’s pretty simple to see what the virtuous thing to do here is.  Yes, quitting smoking would be a virtuous thing.  However, the virtue of prudence is what this man should be striving for.  Prudence would tell him that he 1. shouldn’t be smoking around his child and 2. that he should wait until he’s not in the car to smoke, thus not having to roll his window down when it’s freezing outside and his child is in the backseat of the car.  C’mon, brother, put your kid’s needs and best interest before your cancer-sticks.

Man up!

The Tragedy of a Fatherless Child

There’s an epidemic in our country of children growing up without a father.  It might be because their father gave his life serving his country.  It might be because their father is a workaholic.  It might be because of artificial birthing methods where the father is merely a donor.  It might be because of divorce.  It might also be because the father is a deadbeat.  There are probably millions of reasons why a child might grow up without a father… how do we stop this trend? 

In order to stop the trend of fatherless children, men must work to stop the trend.  They must work hard to reverse the relationships in their lives that are headed toward (or already in) disaster.  If men everywhere were virtuous, the percentage of fatherless children would greatly decrease.  Another way for the trend to be stopped is for women, everywhere, to choose wisely who they have children with.  Women, do not settle.  Have high expectations and never lower them.  These two factors play the biggest role in children growing up with their father as an active participant in their life.

This hits close to home for me, as I see three (and soon four) little kids close to me deal with their deadbeat father leaving them and their pregnant mother.  The father doesn’t see anything wrong with what he did.  The father couldn’t choose them and their needs over himself.  Now, the tragedy is being extended to four more kids.  I hope, by my life and decisions, that I can show them what a TrueMan and TrueFather are really like.

Man up!

A Father Breaking the Cycle

Often times, what I blog about are bad experiences that I have of males who aren’t holding up their end of the deal in society.  Typically, they’re making bad decisions, exemplifying “cultural manliness” and slacking on being a TrueMan.  Today, I’m going to change things up and speak about a man that is Breaking the Cycle.

This TrueMan is a national hero, a firefighter who has unselfishly put himself in harm’s way to protect others for well over 20 yrs.  He is a Captain at a well-known Marine base near Washington D.C.  He influences the young men in the firehouse, not only in the ways of firefighting, but also in life.  The biggest impact he has though (not at all to discount his years of service nor his honors & accolades) is the impact he has on his family. 

The father of three, this TrueMan knows well that a father’s impact is long lasting and the most important relationship in the lives of his children. 

This man had a childhood with a father that was a workaholic.  To quote him, “My Dad didn’t have 5 minutes for me, a year.”  Not only did the father neglect his only son, he was abusive and left physical scars to prove it.  In speaking with him the other day, he said something that really struck me.  He said “I won’t be like my father was. Not a a chance.”  It struck me not only because he’s breaking the cycle of what his father showed him, but because he means it.  He’s convicted, in the deepest part of his heart, to give his children the attention, devotion and love that he never received.  It’s not out of spite or out of pity, it’s out of love.  The love he has for them resonates deeply with me because his children are my godchildren, and needless to say, are very important to me. 

I could continue on for many more paragraphs, but I think my point is easy to understand and doesn’t require repeating.  By the way, he’s a great husband too.

Thank you, Captain TLW.  You’re a great man. 

Man up!

A Father's Example

I was walking to my truck today in a parking lot, carrying my youngest daughter.  We had just had a nice, leisurely stroll through a store – looking at all sorts of neat things.  As we proceeded to our vehicle, a small car was backing up.  The driver continued backing up, apparently not seeing me walking behind him, or so I thought.  He proceeded to shout something out, throwing in an F-Bomb and getting very agitated that someone happened to be walking behind him while he attempted to back out.  He said, and I quote: “(insert expletive #1 here), don’t walk behind a car when it’s (f-bomb-ing; expletive #2 here) backing up.  (Expletives #’s 3,4 & 5 here)… and so on.”  As I passed his little car, I heard his profane outburst and turned around to look at him, myself agitated that he’d use such language around my daughter.  The woman in the passenger seat saw me staring him down and quickly told the driver to “shut up and get out of here”.  He continued on with his second rant, cut short when he himself turned around and saw me staring him down. 

Now, I didn’t want to have to stare him down, after all, I was carrying my eight-month old daughter.  I figured in this situation that a quick, hard glance might scare him just enough to rethink what he had done.  What made me so frustrated with this guy was that there were little kids (two young boys, no older than eight years old) in the back seat.  I know this because I saw this foursome in the check-out line next to me inside the store.  His behavior inside the store was just as bad as it was in the parking lot, maybe worse.

Here’s my beef with this guy: he doesn’t realize the influence he has on those young boys.  I’m assuming he’s their dad, which is even more upsetting.  These little guys are going to grow up thinking that foul language, anger, aggressive behavior and who knows what other negativity is acceptable and normal.  They’re going to grow up believing that “if I want to be a man, I need to do as Daddy does”.  They’ll be mistaken and will continue to perpetuate the epidemic of males not being TrulyManly.

The reason I write these articles is precisely because of incidents like today’s.  Men everywhere are blowing it.  They’re dropping the ball and passing on incredibly detrimental characteristics to the coming generations.  I applaud the men who are TrueMen that are stopping the cycle and living out manhood the way God intended it.  It’s not easy being a father and having the responsibilities that come with it, yet it’s a must, we have no other choice.

By the way… “old Dave” (the guy I used to be) wanted to yell back, forcefully drag this lame excuse for a man out of his car and pound him until he figured it out.  That wouldn’t have worked out as well.  I think writing about it was a good alternative.

Man up!

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