GUEST POST – Guarding Your Heart, Women’s Edition Part 2
Here’s Part 2 from Haley’s post the other day about guarding your heart, from a woman’s perspective. For Part 1, click HERE.
I hope you’re not sick of the analogy, yet, because Part One was just the beginning! To return to our castle…
If you have a moat, you’ve got to have a drawbridge, right? So at the drawbridge of my heart-castle, I’d place two stately bronze lion statues to guard the entrance; they represent a trusted friend and/or spiritual director, with whom I can share when I have a crush on someone or when a guy stands knocking at the door of my heart. The eyes of the lions might seem to follow anyone who approaches, but their interventions would be unknown to visitors. A woman’s “guard” (trusted spiritual director or closest friend) would question any guest’s intentions, asking whether he might be manipulating her with shows of affection, or whether his intentions seem trust-worthy. The same guard would also caution her about fantasizing about a guy she has a crush on, or sharing the deepest desires of her heart too freely amongst other friends and acquaintances. Her emotions would remain safely inside and in check, and everyone who approached would be examined reasonably.
High above our heart-castle stands a crenellated minaret, in which an archer waits hidden from any curious eyes lingering below. This archer keeps watch over what’s taking place both within and without. We can assume his marksmanship is legendary, and that he’s been known to stop a man in his tracks with a well-placed arrow in the toe of a riding boot. The archer would also be on the lookout for what’s being brought in to fill up the larders of the castle, for how can a woman guard her heart if she’s on a steady diet of chick flicks and other such fantasies? To draw a coarse parallel: if men are easily seduced by pornography, then women are easily seduced by fairy tales and chick flicks. The romance presented to us by the movies stirs our hearts, and it’s no coincidence! Hollywood is well aware of what we desire: a man to rescue us, find us beautiful, and sweep us off on the adventure of a lifetime.
These desires aren’t bad, they’re natural and good! However, ultimately, we must place our confidence in One Man—the One who rescued us from death and invites us on an eternal adventure…the One who created us in His own image, and finds us priceless, beautiful, and worthy of His love. If we spend more time fixated on the newest leading man then we spend contemplating the New Adam—Christ!—then our hearts will be compromised [1]. Recently, I’ve been fascinated with Caryll Houselander’s “Reed of God”, a meditation on Mary and spiritual virginity. She explains how we’re meant to be empty vessels who are filled by the Blood of Christ, not with unrealistic tales, fleeting pursuits, and the busy distractions of the world [2].
I think these natural desires of the feminine heart are the areas in which the devil most likes to attack us (which I mentioned in the previous post). Our trusty archer must also be on the lookout for an aerial assault: arrows sent straight into the core of our hearts—lies from the devil, himself. From personal experience and the stories of other women, I think he lies to us like this: ”You’re not beautiful. You’re not desirable. You’re not loveable.” Think about it; do you know many women who are deeply conflicted by lies like these: “You’re not funny. You’re not patient. You’re not aware of the feelings of those around you”? No, of course not! He presents lies that feed on our deepest desires! Why wouldn’t he? They’re so darn effective! It’s only been in the last year or two that I’ve become aware of this insidious assault on my heart and have started recognizing the lies placed there by the devil, himself. It’s so freeing just to name them to yourself whenever you catch one! A spiritual director or a trusted, well-formed friend can help you start to recognize these falsehoods planted in your imagination by the evil one. (On that note, remember that God never promised our lives would be a Tom-Hanks-and-Meg-Ryan-romp-in-the-park! Don’t let the devil convince you that if it isn’t, it’s not worth living. He’s a big, fat liar, so keep a look-out for him!)
That’s about as far as I’ve imagined the analogy. I’m sure we could expand it much further, but for now, I hope it’s been helpful! And I hope some of you will share your own thoughts about this topic in the comments.
Haley
_______________
[1] “Christ speaks to women about the things of God, and they understand them; there is a true resonance of mind and heart, a response of faith. Jesus expresses appreciation and admiration for this distinctly ‘feminine’ response, as in the case of the Canaanite woman (cf. Mt 15:28)” (Mulieris Dignitatem, 15).
[2] Our late Holy Father speaks of vocational virginity in Mulieris Dignitatem, which I think is a helpful reflection for single ladies: “In this wider context, virginity has to be considered also as a path for women, a path on which they realize their womanhood in a way different from marriage. In order to understand this path, it is necessary to refer once more to the fundamental idea of Christian anthropology. By freely choosing virginity, women confirm themselves as persons, as beings whom the Creator from the beginning has willed for their own sake. At the same time they realize the personal value of their own femininity by becoming ‘a sincere gift’ for God who has revealed himself in Christ, a gift for Christ, the Redeemer of humanity and the Spouse of souls: a ’spousal’ gift” (#20). Our ability to be gifts can be found in our emptiness, and in the means by which we are formed into vessels…or so Houselander would say. I can’t recommend her reflections on this in “Reed of God” highly enough!
GUEST POST – Guarding Your Heart, Women’s Edition
Haley Timmons is the Youth Group Director at a Catholic parish in the Archdiocese of Denver and a dear friend of our family.
After reading Dave’s post on April 24th about ‘A Way for a Woman to Guard Her Heart’, I had to ask, “Isn’t it a large part of the feminine genius that a woman doesn’t, in fact, have a 15′ high electric fence around her heart?” After all, if she were meant to have such a defense, how did the Serpent so easily seduce the first woman?
He was kind enough to explain to me that his analogy was meant to apply to a situation in which a woman found herself surrounded by less-than-holy men, who were just looking for a good time or some arm candy to take to the next party. I immediately agreed that in such a situation, a yard full of hungry guard dogs would be exactly what was needed! If I were to give a similar analogy to the teen girls I work with, it would probably resemble the picture he painted of a maximum security compound!
Here’s the thing, though: our defenses against emotional devastation are just as important as our defenses against physical/sexual relationship issues. As I thought about this, I realized that my ideas about guarding my heart are—as Dave put it—indeed influenced by my own ‘different experiences, different relationships,’ expectations, etc. My first thoughts about a woman’s heart are probably less about fending off hormone-crazed guys and more about spiritually and emotionally protecting my heart, and I guess that goes to show how seldom I go to bars and how often I hang out at parties populated by men and women who are practicing Catholics, like myself! When I find myself surrounded by friends and meeting new guys who are faithful and well formed, my approach to guarding my heart is not quite like the one Dave described.
In fact, rather than resembling a S.W.A.T. exercise, I think our feminine hearts’ defenses have to be much less obvious and much more cunning (assuming, of course, that we’re operating in a safe environment, surrounded by trustworthy men, who aren’t going to slip something scary into our drinks!). I couldn’t help but think of Lady Wisdom: “prudence will watch over you; and understanding will guard you” (Proverbs 2:11). After all, “Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace (Proverbs 3:17). So if we can return to the analogy of the mansion that is our heart, I’ll admit that the first thing I picture in my minds’ eye is more of a fairy tale castle than a modern day mansion (but more on fairy tales, a little later!).
Proverbs 4:23 instructs us, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” And ‘springs’ make me think of a moat! Picture a moat surrounding your heart-castle: it’s just as effective for keeping things out, as keeping things in. I think this makes it a perfect defense, since I’m convinced women often fail to guard their hearts by sharing too much WITH a guy or ABOUT a guy. It may be obvious that sharing too much about your past, your inner emotions, your prayer life, and your hopes and dreams WITH a guy may be opening the doors to your heart prematurely. I’ll spell this one out, just in case it’s not obvious to a few of you (a recent conversation with a young man who was a senior in high school makes me think this isn’t as obvious to some guys!): a guy will give a girl emotional intimacy in order to gain physical intimacy with her, whereas a girl will allow physical intimacy in hopes of gaining emotional intimacy with him. If both the girl and the guy are mature, it may not be so animalistic as this; HOWEVER, sharing your deepest fears and desires with a man who is not a very serious, committed boyfriend could be devastating. Whenever we share such thoughts, our emotions get tied to the person with whom we’ve entrusted them, whether we intend them to or not. That’s just a part of the feminine genius.
Getting back to the ‘ABOUT’ part: if you’re not in a serious dating relationship, your heart may occasionally be consumed by a crush. I speak from personal experience, as I spent the better part of last year crushing on a particular guy, so I feel like this is still rather fresh in my memory! Here’s how I tried to protect my heart in the midst of a serious crush: “Put away from you crooked speech, and put devious talk far from you. Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you” (Proverbs 4:24-25). I’m convinced a crush stirs up feelings in our hearts that are intensified whenever we verbalize them to friends or spend time daydreaming about him. Here’s where the moat is needed to keep stuff INSIDE! The feelings and time we expend on a crush can never be recovered, especially if it remains an unrequited crush. This can break away a little piece of our heart, which we’ll never get back! It also sets up a perfect storm for the devil to attack you (more on this later, as well): i.e., if the devil wants to discourage you, all he has to do is point out that the guy you had a crush on never noticed you or loved you back. Therefore, keeping our gaze straight on what lies before us is to focus on where our heart lingers, correct ourselves if we slip into fantasies, and refrain from scheming with our friends about how to get the attention of our latest crush!
If this as given you some food for thought, great! If not, hopefully my next post will be helpful to you. Until next time!
Haley
The Female Version of Cultural Manliness
Have you seen the trailer for the upcoming [atrocity] “Sex and the City 2”? I’ve unfortunately seen the trailer 3 or 4 times now and
have been more and more disgusted by it every time. I can proudly say that I haven’t seen the first movie (although I know it did really well at the box office) and I never intend to watch it. The trailer, as well as the name of the movie/show, tells me plenty. What it tells me is that the characters in the movie are out for, what I’m going to refer to as, “Cultural Femininity”. For those who may not know, I use a term coined “Cultural Manliness” to describe the world’s view of manliness… that the more power, money, sex and stuff a male has, the more manly he is. On all levels, I tear this idea down, showing that it is riddled with emptiness, loneliness, despair and sorrow. The same goes for “Cultural Femininity”.
The trailer depicts the characters in the movie gallivanting around the world, searching for meaningless sex, pleasure and anything else that seems ‘fun’. The trailer attempts to glorify promiscuity, drunkenness, infidelity, homosexuality and the glamor and allure of money. A tag line used in the trailer says “Discover how much fun forbidden can be.” The trailer tells me that many people (women and men) will have their view of marriage ‘shaken up’ a bit… which is most definitely not needed in our culture. The four women in the movie are female versions of “cultural manliness”. In the same way that “cultural manliness” ends in emptiness, loneliness, despair and sorrow, so too does “cultural femininity.”
Movies like this make this behavior seem ‘normal’, as if ‘everyone is doing it’, and in fact, many people live like this. Movies like this degrade women, encourage all the poor behavior mentioned above and highly encourage men to be “culturally manly”. It really is a shame.
TrueMan up!
A Way for a Woman to Guard Her Heart
I was asked not too long ago what “guard your heart” really means. The answer isn’t cut and dry, especially because each of us has different experiences, different relationships, different baggage, etc. However, when asked this question, I attempted to answer with an analogy that I’d like to share with you now. I told the young woman the following:
(For the Ladies) Imagine that your heart is inside a giant mansion. Imagine that at the outskirts of the mansion there’s a guard tower
with an armed guard inside. Surrounding the mansion is a 15′-high electrified fence. Inside the fence are several Dobermans who haven’t eaten lately. On this side of the dogs is a large, triple-thick, rock wall with a gate that has a special code used to get in. Inside the rock wall is a large bullet-proof metal door with 7 deadbolts.
Now imagine that you’re early in a relationship with a man. Guarding your heart is prudently allowing the guard to take an extended leave of absence. The fence is still electrified, the dogs are still there, the gate is still down and the door is still locked – 7 times no less. The man gets a little closer to your heart, but still doesn’t have unlimited access. Little by little you reduce the security and over time, through prudent thinking and decision making, you begin to allow the man closer to your heart and allow him to have more access to you. He gazes into your heart from a distance… sort of like looking through the windows of the mansion… and from his gaze, he begins to learn about your heart. Seeing into the heart is different than having unabated access to the heart.
For many people, it may seem too hard to guard their heart. For many people, it may seem too late to guard their heart. If pain from relationships-gone-bad, lack of trust after a break up (or after every break up) and utter disappointment in relationships in general is fun for you, then keep up the common mistakes and lack of protection for your heart. If, however, you come to understand that your heart is worth guarding because you are a precious daughter of God and because you deserve only the best in life, then take the necessary steps to start guarding your heart now. If a man in your life is too close to your heart (or maybe inside the mansion), do what’s best for you and ask him to take a few steps back. It will be hard at first, and may even seem pointless, but in the long run, it will be a blessing. Trust me.
The analogy is based on the context of a relationship, but we should each be guarding our hearts from evil, sin and unclean outside influences as well.
Men, if you are too close to a woman’s heart, or inside the mansion, do the respectable, virtuous thing and take some steps backward. This is not to suppress your feelings, your love or your desire for her. This behavior is to show her that she’s worth the very best. At the right time, you take the proper steps to win over her heart fully. Once married, hearts become one in the Sacrament.
TrueMan up!
For Women – Is He Mr. Right?
I recently came across an online article titled “Is He Mr. Right?” I was curious what the article said, doubting that any of it was substantive or even remotely helpful. The information was, well, eh. The article had five main points, and if your “Mr. Next” met all five, then voilà! “You’ve found Mr. Right!” What do you think?
The first point was “He Listens to You”. Huh?, what’s that? Oh, sorry. Although listening is a vital component to just about every human relationship, I don’t know that it’s essential in choosing Mr. Right. The first point continues on, saying “you’ll know he listens to you when he shows genuine concern, consistently remembers things you’ve told him and offers emotional support in honest and thoughtful way.” Well… I don’t think that the actions mentioned here are listening, although listening played a role. The action is ‘showing’, ‘remembering’ and ‘offering’. Listening doesn’t make things happen… doing does. With that said, God gave us each 2 ears and only 1 mouth, meaning that we should probably listen twice as much as we talk.
The second point is rather silly… “He Connects with You.” If a guy isn’t connecting with you, why are you dating him?
The third point is good, although not developed enough for my tastes… “He Wants the Real You.” The author writes about a woman not giving up any part of her identity for a man, which is fine and good. I think that when either person does that, it only leads to falsehood, and eventually, the truth comes out and problems come up. I believe one of the best ways for the guy to really want the ‘real’ you, is for him to know you before you date. This begins the topic of dating with a purpose, although we don’t have time for that here.
The fourth point is even better than the third. Here it is, verbatim: “A relationship without trust is doomed from the start. But a relationship with abundant trust? A fabulous foundation for real and lasting love! Built over time, trust is based on the simple belief system that your partner has your best interests at heart and will never intentionally hurt you (and vice versa). If and when you discover that Mr. Next is 100 percent trustworthy, you’ll have no trouble giving your heart to him. In return, he’ll most likely give you his heart and pave the way for a lasting, loving relationship to unfold.” Here’s my qualm with this on… be overly careful with who you give your heart to. Just because he’s trustworthy, doesn’t make him worthy of your heart. Be careful, please.
The fifth point isn’t all the great, at least not for the ‘all-encompassing’ characteristic that a man must have, blah blah blah. “He Enriches Your Life.” Is that the best this author can do? What about virtue here? What about how he treats you? What about how compatible your life goals, dreams and aspirations are? Again, as with the second point, this seems a bit silly for me.
I think the author is missing the boat, unless, of course, the point of dating is solely to have fun. If that’s the case, then what’s the
point in even caring about Mr. Right? Why not just care about Mr. Right-Now? The point should be that dating with a purpose is the only way that a relationship will truly last and truly bring happiness to both people. These relationships, however, must have Christ at their center if they want that happiness. Ladies, please know that you are incredible. God created you for greatness and you have nothing stopping you from that. You deserve the best and should never compromise for a counterfeit version of the best. So many women attempt to find value in the things that happen to them (compliments, stares, successes at work, awards, etc.) instead of finding true value in the fact that you are a daughter of God. He is the only place for true fulfillment.
GUEST POST – “The Practice of Modesty” by Ashley Crouch
Ashley Crouch is the Assistant Program Director of Love & Fidelity Network, a program designed to equip college students with the resources and training they need to support the institution of marriage, the importance of family, and the integrity of sex on their campuses. She writes:
US Marine Captain John Campbell recently made National Australian News by boldly speaking out about Australian women’s lack of modesty: “It’s about having standards, ladies,” he said. “What are standards? Well, it can begin by dressing in a manner that leaves something to the imagination to say the least…” Later he said, “Come on, ladies, don’t send us mixed messages. That’s what you do every time you dress with less than nothing on.” His voice was an isolated and courageous reminder that women play a significant role in preserving men’s purity; that women bolster men’s’ ability to love authentically.
In today’s culture, our bodies are often treated as instruments rather than as an intimate part of who we are – persons with an
immortal soul. As a result of this disconnect, there is a crisis of modesty prevalent in society. Popular trends and fashions come and go with arbitrary ease, without any thought being given to a specific standard. The virtue of modesty has all but become obsolete, while the few who make an effort to endorse its practice often end up sounding prudish and harping on rules, regulations, and guidelines.
Guidelines are in fact good and helpful, and can be found by doing a simple search online. Modesty, however, is not just about covering up so guys will not be driven to lust. Modesty is more and often depends on the context. For this reason, it is often misunderstood.
Properly understood, modesty incorporates who the woman is as a person created in the image of God called to love, while acknowledging that men and women are designed to be attracted to one another. The late Pope John Paul II spoke candidly about the human person “as a creature towards whom the only proper attitude is love.” Authentic love, however, is not defined by a person’s sexuality; Attraction between sexes is meant to exist between two free, full, faithful human persons and to blossom into fruitful love in marriage. Many women yearn to be loved and seek it through immodest dress or action. Tragically, the immodest dress and behavior of some women, while intended to foster and secure lasting affection, ironically attracts men for other reasons. A woman who dresses provocatively distracts men from love. She sends mixed messages.
Modesty, on the other hand, serves to open the gateway of love between persons by revealing who a woman is as a full person, an individual with dignity, not reducible to her sexual features. When a woman practices modesty, she simultaneously protects, preserves, and presents herself to the world as a person of dignity and self-respect; for through modesty, the beauty of her femininity is highlighted rather than objectified. Modesty flows from “moderation,” where all the elements of the woman are shown cohesively and beautifully.
Ultimately, modesty is about more than clothes. It is a disposition of the heart, and a consciousness on the part of the woman that she has an origin in a loving God, who has given her a great dignity and purpose. Each woman was designed to give herself fully as a gift, but if her vocation is marriage, this gift belongs only to one person (not the world.) The woman’s awareness of her beautiful origin carries over into her actions and dress, naturally and effortlessly. Her clothes are not a denial of her sexuality, or a suppression of her femininity. Rather, they integrate her sexuality into her whole being as a person called to love, and open the way for true love to grow. The practice of modesty encourages men to see a woman with respect, and allows authentic interpersonal relationships to occur, free of distractions, free from confusion, free to love.
So the next time you reach into your closet for an outfit, perhaps remember Captain John Campbell’s words ‘Don’t send mixed messages,’ and consider what message you want to send.
Follow Up Guest Post from Catherine DiNuzzo – “You’re Worth It!”
This post is a follow-up guest post from Catherine DiNuzzo, wife of Dave DiNuzzo. Catherine will continue to guest post on this site. Please leave comments!
Women, you are worth a TrueMan! Believe it!
Women, I want you to listen to me and to listen well. If you come to this site and take anything from it, I want you to remember that
you are special, and a precious gift from the Father! You are worth a TrueMan and you need to expect a TrueMan. I am guessing right now that you may be rolling your eyes and saying to yourself, “if she only knew what I have done or what has happend to me, she would know this is not true for me.” I know you are saying this because every time I talk to my girlfriends or speak to women at speaking engagements about this, I see women look down and shy away from me; their body language screaming these words.
God created you in His image and as the perfect mate for your “Adam”. If God created you, and everything that God creates is good, then you must be worthy of goodness… a TrueMan. When I think about my friends who refuse to believe this “cardinal rule”, most of the time it is because some less-than-virtuous man has taken advantage of them. Sometimes this is done through psychological manipulation and other times by force. To me, it doesn’t matter what has happened in your past. What is important is where you go from here. If women are going to expect men to change then we must also change. The first step in this change is loving yourself enough to except only virtuous men in your life.
How do you do it, you ask? First of all, you need to look inside yourself and break down any walls that are keeping you from seeing the true value you possess. These walls may have been past relationships gone bad, decisions that you made that hurt yourself or others, or anything that holds you back from seeing the marvelous treasure that God created you to be.
I too had to go through this step, and it was not easy. When I was in high school and college, I was in a very abusive relationship, both physically and mentally. It ended badly and with the depression that set in from being a victim of domestic violence, I turned to drinking in excess. With my life spinning downward, I had no confidence that I could ever love myself again. I was certain that I would never find a virtuous “TrueMan” who would want to love me. So, I stopped looking. After many years of this way of thinking, I was at a 3-day party, with lots of drinking and men. As I drove home, I hit my bottom. I had no self esteem, no joy in my life. I could easily say I was empty in every sense of the word. So in tears, I looked up to Heaven and said “GOD, I give up! I can’t don’t do this anymore.” I truly believe that I felt the Holy Spirit come down and shower me with grace and love. I could hear God saying, “I love you, let me take care of you, trust in my love, I am here.” And that is what I did! From that point on, pain from my past slowly started to go away. For the first time in seven years, I was able to see myself as a blessed gift that God had created. That very day, I went on a group date with Dave, my future husband!
Women, love yourself! Force yourself to see the treasure that God has created you to be. If there are walls that are blocking you from seeing this, take it to prayer and ask God to help you break down the walls. Know that in this battle, you are not alone. God is there wait for you to put your hand out and ask for help.
