Great Resource For Women – “Yes, She’s More Beautiful Than You”

I came across this great website by a lady named Ashley Weis.  See her site HERE.  Ashley writes strictly to women, to be a support and a source of inspiration to them.  Ashley’s story is a good one – the wife of a man with an addiction to pornography.  This topic is a topic that spurs a lot of questions.  Many women ask me about this topic – how can I help my _________? (fill in the blank).  Sometimes it’s “my husband”, “my boyfriend”, “my dad”, etc.  I know how to help the men, I don’t necessarily know how to help the women.  I was very relieved when I found out about Ashley’s resources.

My wife is a great resource in this process of healing, as she too is the wife of a recovering pornography addict.  She is a Licensed Professional Counselor and really good at what she does.  She has some insights into the feelings, emotions, prayers, healing and trust that goes into all this.  If you’d like to talk with Catherine, feel free to email us at ContactUs@TrueManhood.com and we’ll pass your email along to her.

For women who might be reading this, I hope that either Catherine or Ashley, or any of the other women that are resources on this topic, can be a source of peace and healing for you if you are dealing with this trauma.

For the men reading this, I urge you to see the hurt and pain through a woman’s eyes/thoughts.  It should speak volumes to us and help our behavior.  If you know of a woman in your life who needs to read this, please forward the link to them.

Ashley recently wrote a great article for the Covenant Eyes blog.  I share it with you below.  (BTW: if you’re looking for a great internet security software, Covenant Eyes is a great one.  It might cost a bit of money, but a few dollars a month is worth your salvation, don’t you think?!)

Here’s the blog entry from Ashley that was posted at the Covenant Eyes Blog:

Yes, She’s More Beautiful Than You

“I nuzzled my face into his chest, peered up at him, and said, “I just want to be the most beautiful woman in the world to you.”

Silence.

Immediately, I replayed memories. Like the day I found explicit links on the computer. And the night he confessed to viewing pornography at work while I waited for him at home—pregnant.

“Silence doesn’t make me feel any better,” I said, hoping he’d say something to reassure me.

“I don’t want to say something that’s not true.”

“So, there are women you think are more beautiful than me?” He didn’t answer, but I pried.

“There have been. Yes.”

I gulped and restrained tears. “What about them?” He named qualities. Attributes I already knew he found attractive, but hearing the words ripped my heart into a thousand pieces.

When I begged for a deeper understanding, he asked, “Would it help if I gave you an actual person?” He gave me a celebrity’s name. I thanked God it wasn’t someone we knew.

Then I asked a question I shouldn’t have asked, “So, if you stood her next to me, you would think she was more beautiful?”

“Yes, she’s more beautiful than you.”

Tears rained for an hour. I thought I’d never heal after such devastation. Beauty was stolen from me. My essence was torn apart. I never imagined feeling beautiful again, not after my dearest companion whispered the heart-wrenching words, ‘Yes, she’s more beautiful than you.’

Agonizing thoughts popped up every time my husband and I made love. Whenever we were in public, I feared seeing a woman with the qualities he named. And I cried every time I saw my reflection in a mirror.

I had to do something, but what?

Divorce was out of the question. I didn’t want to break my wedding vows. I didn’t want to run from problems. But I didn’t know how to heal. Sometimes just looking at my husband brought tears. I missed the way our relationship sparkled in the beginning. I wanted us back. But every time I looked into his eyes I felt unwanted and ugly.

My husband began to change. He battled lust and asked God to purify his heart. Even so, whenever he told me I was beautiful, I cringed.

People often reminded me that beauty isn’t reflected in a woman’s appearance—it’s all about her heart. But every time I saw another woman I’d compare myself. And whenever my husband looked at me I’d wonder if I was beautiful enough.

Surely, beauty had something to do with appearance; otherwise God wouldn’t have created women to be beautiful and men wouldn’t be so visually stimulated by their wives. But how could I feel beautiful in my own skin after my husband ranked me below other women? He said he had changed, and his actions proved that his heart was being purified more every day, but I still positioned myself below those women and felt unattractive.

After many agonizing nights of locking my husband out of the house and handing over my wedding rings, I woke up, looked in the mirror, and asked God to help me view myself through His eyes—not my own or my husband’s.

For the first time I saw beauty. But it wasn’t a familiar beauty.

Stripped of make-up and hair products, I saw beauty in my reflection. I saw a woman crafted by God. And He doesn’t make mistakes. Every flaw somehow vanished when I realized that my imperfections were beautiful to Him.

The same God that orchestrates beautiful sunsets created me! Looking at myself and believing I needed make-up, hair straighteners, and tan skin to create beauty was pretty much telling God, “Sorry, but you didn’t cut it. I need to add some things, take away some things, and then I’ll be beautiful.”

It’s not easy to feel this way every minute of the day. Satan seeks to destroy me. He throws arrows at my deepest wounds and worst insecurities. He wants me to feel like I need to prove myself. Like I need something else in order to be good enough. Whether it’s my body or personality, he is always trying to make me think I’m lacking something. God wants me to rest in who I am. Satan doesn’t. It’s like a tug of war for my heart. God builds me up and Satan schemes to bring me down. I don’t want to let him.

Yes, I still wonder if I’m good enough for my husband. I still battle the wow-I-wonder-if-he-likes-that-woman thoughts. But I have learned to view my beauty through God’s eyes. And in turn, I’m not so dependent upon anyone’s opinion other than God Himself.

I hope I will continue to realize the “I’m not good enough” feeling is a lie. There is no perfect woman. God created me to be me. Confidence is a beautiful thing, and I want that! Not stylish clothes, but the godly confidence God created me to have. I desire a smile that beams when the world is crashing down.

I am learning to love myself, appreciate the gifts and positive qualities God gave me, and thank Him for them. I am still learning and struggling, but most of all, still fighting and loving.

Truly, I feel as though my beauty has been resurrected since I looked at myself through God’s eyes, and stopped trying to attain the sex appeal advertised on billboards or advertisements. Although it’s still difficult not to desire that kind of sexiness, God has shown me a different side of beauty. A beauty that He finds attractive, because He created it.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to rid myself of the words my husband said. They still tumble through my thoughts and spin my heart. But I have learned to stop believing them. I’ve learned that I do not need affirmation from the world in order to know I am beautiful. Now, when I brush make-up on my face, I know it’s not necessary; it’s only a fun accessory. Real beauty is created by God, not me.

I can shout with full confidence, “I am beautiful,” because the King of Kings fashioned me. And no one can take that beauty away from me.”

“What Do You Want Your Dash to Represent?”

I just saw this ESPN Documentary about Tim Tebow.  It’s going to be on ESPN in a just a little bit (5pm Mountain Time), but if you’re not reading this right away (which most of you won’t be), I’m sure that ESPN will replay it.

It looks interesting, but I don’t have ESPN, so I won’t be able to see it right now.  As I watched the trailer, I had an eerie feeling in my gut, especially when they were showing him in the stadium after a game and the band girl screamed “I touched him!” as if his “cloak” was able to heal.  The trailer really depicted him as some sort of savior.  Seems to be a weird mix of Tim Tebow’s dedication and determination, even against extreme odds, and an idolization of him as a super-human.  Watch the trailer below and let me know if you felt the same way.

Tim Tebow is a good man.  He is devoted to his walk with Christ and does great things for the community.  He inspires many and is a ray of hope in our world.  Good job, Tim.

He has an awesome quote in there, “what do you want your dash to represent?”  This quote is important for all of us to think about.  He was saying that each of our tombstones will have the year we were born and then will have the year we died.  In between these numbers will be a dash.  The dash represents the years of our life.  “What do you want your dash to represent?” is really asking the question “What is your life all about?”  That’s why I posted this video.  It’s a great question to ask yourself.  Are you a man of great integrity and character?  Are you a man of virtue?  A you a holy and devoted man?  Are you constantly trying to get better?  Are you constantly trying to grow?  What sort of legacy are you leaving?  If yes, your dash will represent greatness.  If not, it may represent something else.

This would be a great video and topic to segment into another post about “cultural manliness”, but that’ll have to wait.

TrueMan up!

A Review: Cultural Manliness

I haven’t written about cultural manliness in a while, so I thought I’d review it.  Cultural manliness, for those unfamiliar with the term (which I coined a few years ago) is the idea that “the more power, money, sex and stuff a male has, the more manly he is.”  This idea is propagated in our culture virtually non-stop, whether on the television, on the internet, in movies, throughout magazines and newspapers, on billboards, in songs, in advertising and just about anywhere those areas don’t cover.  The idea is propagated for a few reasons: 1. men buy into this lie.  2. women buy into this lie.  3. children buy into this lie.  4. people make money off of this lie.  5. the devil wins souls through this lie.

Cultural manliness – being in pursuit of the things of this world – will kill a man.  Power, money, sex and stuff doesn’t win our salvation, but it certainly can keep us from it.  Cultural manliness easily gets in the way of a relationship with Christ.  Why does this matter?  Because Christ is the true example of manliness!  He is THE TrueMan.  He is the reason this site exists.  He is the reason why the site is called what it is called.  “Blessed be Jesus Christ, True God and TrueMan.”  Anything other than pursuing Christ is futile and unmanly.

The world wants to tell a man that he will be ‘happy’ if he has more power, more sex, more money and more stuff.  This things, in and of themselves are not bad, but they don’t bring happiness.  They may bring emotional counterfeits that men believe to be happiness, but they aren’t happiness.

What then makes a man, if it’s not power, money, sex and stuff?  Virtue!  Prudence, Justice, Fortitude and Temperance – Faith, Hope and Love.  Learn them, live them, be a TrueMan!  (Read the “TrueManhood Guide to Virtue” here.)

If you’d like to read more on the topic, do a search (in the white box on the upper right portion of each page of this site) for “cultural manliness”.  You’ll have plenty of reading material.  Or, go to the blog page and click the “cultural manliness” tab.  I’d like to know your thoughts on this topic – leave a comment.

TrueMan up!

St. Joseph – The Days After Christmas

If you’ve spent any time on the website, you surely know that I am a huge fan of St. Joseph.  He is, besides Christ Himself, the best model of authentic masculinity for a man to emulate.  Wanna be a TrueMan?… be like St. Joseph.  After all, he raised Jesus!  Quite obviously, St. Joseph knew what he was doing.  Have you ever thought about his role in the days following Christ’s birth?

Picture this… Mary gives birth to Jesus.  Joseph then sees shepherds, visitors and Magi from the east come to adorn his foster son.  Then, angels appear and sing praises about this baby boy.  What would be going through your mind, if in the hospital labor and delivery room, people come and sing songs praising your child?  We can’t really fathom what was taking place before Joseph’s eyes, nor what was going on in his head.  Then, imagine that an angel comes to him, again, and tells him that someone (King Herod) wants to kill his newborn son.  If you’re anything like me, your first inclination in this situation would have been to grab the firearms and ammo and go on the offensive.  Not Joseph.  He heeded the warning from the angel, then he WALKED HIS FAMILY TO EGYPT!  That would have been approx 300 miles, or more!  They walked!  A woman who had just given birth, a new born and this holy, faithful, virtuous man called Joseph.  He did this to protect his family and the salvation of all of us.

Now imagine being in Egypt.  Joseph has no idea how long they’d be there.  He left his carpenter shop, tools, projects, friends and home behind, back in Judea.  What did he do for work in Egypt?  How did they worship?  Where did they live?  How did he continually protect his family in this foreign land?  What and where did they eat?  Did you ever think of these things?  Have you ever thought about how St. Joseph did all this?  Have you ever thought how you would react in a situation like this?  What you would do if your family was in danger?  In need of shelter, food, protection?

St. Joseph did all of this, and quite handily.  There are good reasons why St. Joseph is the patron saint of so many manly things, like workers, carpenters, fathers and holy death.  His virtue was incredible.  Learn about him, follow him to his son.

TrueMan up!

Comment Response

Not too long ago, I received a comment on a post called “Porn Proves Deadly” about a driver of a big rig who, while driving was streaming porn on his laptop, hit and killed a woman whose vehicle was disabled in the median.  The comment was poorly written, unsubstantiated and downright unnecessary.  I receive occasional comments like this and respond as I can.  Typically, when I respond, I don’t hear back.  Such was the case of this comment and its author.  Here is his comment in red italics:

“While I’m not saying I’m pro-porn, I have to say that logically, you’re using a false correlation here.  Some of the things you post I agree with, some I don’t, but saying that the reason he crashed was because of porn is just misleading.  The reason he crashed is because he was being stupid and not paying attention to the road.  It could have been porn, or a regular movie, or he could have been playing solitaire.  It wasn’t the porn, it was his actions and negligence while he was driving.

Frankly, I don’t appreciate your attempts to whip up a fervor.  Countless accidents happen because people text while driving, but I don’t see you talking about that here.  As far as I can tell, you’re just trying to get people on your side with stories that have an untrue “if-then” correlation.  That’s lying, and that, sir, is just plain unmanly.”

I then responded with the following, below in gray:

Thank you for your comment and continued visits to my site.  I’m glad that you agree with me most of the time.  For those times when you don’t agree with me, as in this case, that is certainly your choice.

I have read over your comment, and after review of my post, I believe you are incorrect in your critique of my writing.  Therefore, I am not approving your comment, which is my prerogative, here’s why:

I am not lying, pornography kills.  I even wrote in there “sometimes figuratively, sometimes literally”.  You are correct; it could have been any number of other distractions.  It wasn’t.  It was porn.  This man was looking at porn and killed a woman.  Besides, texting, or watching another movie, does not involve the chemicals in the brain the way that pornography (or any sexual activity or stimulus) does.  The brain emits oxytocin during orgasm and oxytocin is a bonding agent.  It is the same bonding agent between a mother and child at birth and during breastfeeding.  This was not the man’s first time viewing porn, so the bonds that were created in his mind from previous exposure were firing at incredible speeds and it most likely caused such a stir that he lost all recollection that he was driving.

You are correct in saying that you don’t see me posting about the dangers of texting and driving.  You simply didn’t see it.  I posted on August 27, 2009 about it.  The post came over from my old site, so the majority of the post is missing.  Here’s the link… https://www.truemanhood.com/the-dangers-of-texting-and-driving.  I suggest taking the link from the post and watching it on YouTube.

When you send a critique like this, do you homework first.  Don’t call me a liar.  Don’t criticize me when you don’t know what you’re talking about.  My site is not intended to make everyone agree with me, it is intended to do 3 things.  1. Fight pornography and the dangers of pornography addiction.  2. Fight cultural manliness, the idea that the world tells a male.  3. Teach men about virtue and how to live virtue.

Why am I sharing all of this with you?  For a few reasons:

1. Because I believe that those of us that understand the Truth, must share the Truth!  So often the world asks us to sugarcoat everything and water it down.  I refuse.  People are longing for the truth and desire badly to grasp it.  (You simply can’t grasp a watered-down, sugarcoated false-truth… it’s all wet and slippery.)
2. To remind the TrueManhood.com Blog readership of the 3 intentions of this site.
3. To remind the men who read this site that we are striving for virtue.
4. To ward off the nay-sayers.
5. To challenge the “status quo” out there that is indifferent to pornography and the dangers associated with it.  Apathy doesn’t change problems, it makes them worse.
6. To show that being charitable doesn’t mean being an old, soggy dishrag that someone can wipe the ground with.  Being charitable may offend or upset someone.  Jesus offended many in His day.

I really do appreciate comments.  And when someone has a legitimate question, concern or suggestion, I typically heed them.  So, if you’ve got a comment, please pass it along.  If it’s negative, poorly written, distasteful or something similar, I won’t be posting it.

TrueMan up!

St. Joseph was, The Man

I’ve written a decent amount about St. Joseph over the past 2+ years.  He was awesome.  He was an incredible example of  faith, trust, husbandry, fatherhood and obedience to God.  Watch for more on St. Joseph later in the week.

Pope Benedict, just a few days ago, had this to say about St. Joseph:

ST. JOSEPH, LEGAL FATHER OF JESUS AND “NEW MAN”

VATICAN CITY, 19 DEC 2010 – At midday, fourth Sunday of Advent, the Pope appeared at the window of his study to pray the Angelus with faithful gathered in St. Peter’s Square. Today’s reading from the Gospel of St. Matthew, he said, “recounts the birth of Jesus from the point of view of St. Joseph. He was engaged to Mary who, ‘before they lived together, … was found to be with child from the Holy Spirit'”.

In the text “St. Joseph is presented as a ‘righteous man’, faithful to God’s laws and ready to do His will. For this reason he is admitted into the mystery of the Incarnation after an angel of the Lord, appearing to him in a dream, tells him: ‘Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife, for the child conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will bear a son and you are to name him Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins’. Thus Joseph abandons his plan to repudiate Mary secretly, and takes her to him because now his eyes see in her the work of God”.

Despite having suffered some anguish, “Joseph acted ‘as the angel of the Lord commanded him’, certain he was doing the right thing. By giving the name of ‘Jesus’ to that Child Who upholds the entire universe, he entered the ranks of the humble and faithful servants, similar to the angels and the prophets, similar to the martyrs and the Apostles. … St. Joseph announced the prodigies of the Lord, bearing witness to Mary’s virginity and to God’s gratuitous action, and protecting the earthly life of the Messiah. Thus we venerate Jesus’ legal father because in him we see the emergence of the new man, who looks with trust and courage to the future, who does not follow his own plans but entrusts himself entirely to the infinite mercy of the One Who fulfils the prophecies, the One Who opens the time of salvation”.

The Pope concluded his remarks by entrusting “all pastors” to St. Joseph, universal patron of the Church, “encouraging them”, he said, “quietly to present Christ’s words and actions each day to the faithful and to the whole world. … Let us trustingly invoke the Virgin Mary, full of grace ‘adorned by God’, that, during the Christmas which will soon be upon us, our eyes may open and see Jesus, and our hearts may joy at this incredible encounter of love”.

TrueMan up!

“Lately, Life Has Been a Roller Coaster”

Do you ever have those periods of time when life is, well, crazy?  When EVERYTHING hits the fan, deadlines are coming, stressors are numerous, money is constantly on your mind?  When you’re trying to live life to the fullest, be a great man, attend to your responsibilities and give everything your all?  I’ve had a few straight months of living like that.  Where life wouldn’t seem to slow down, and you’re always looking ahead to see if there’s an oxygen break coming soon.

Over the past two months specifically, I have been experiencing a lot.  LOTS of uncertainty and unknown.  Lately, life has been, as they say, a roller coaster.  TrueManhood.com Blog has been the recipient of a serious amount of neglect from me, and to my passionate readers and daily-blog-followers, I apologize.  I have some great stuff planned, that should be coming your way soon.

When life gets like this, I try to do a few things.  For instance… when I have uncertainty, I tend to pray more.  I try to listen harder to what God wants from me.  I try really hard to be aware of what’s happening in my life, taking an objective view of what is going on and what it could possibly mean.  I also tend to be better with money, realizing that only because we’ve been good with money when it’s fruitful and abundant can we make it when things are, let’s say, tighter.  I try to spend as much time with my family as I can, when life gets crazy busy.  The more time with them, the more focused I can be when I’m working – always remembering that work is work and home/family is home/family.  To name a few.

If life is throwing high-heat, curve balls, screw balls and spit balls at you, call time out and gather yourself.  Rely more on God.  Listen to Him more.  Step back for a moment and see what’s important and urgent.  You’ll make clearer decisions, reduce your blood pressure and overall, be a better man.  Oh yeah, did I mention that this sort of behavior is like working on growing in virtue?

TrueMan up!

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