Ditch the Fantasy

Brothers, can I be honest with you?  Really?  I mean, can I really lay something out on the table and call you to task?  Bros… it’s time to ditch the fantasy football leagues.  Playing football… awesome.  (Especially local pick-up games at the park.  I played ball as a kid up into college.  It taught me teamwork, hard work, discipline, tenacity, perseverance, and so many other great characteristics.  It even – significantly – helped me pay for undergrad!)  Watching football… fine.  (I thoroughly enjoy it myself.  It’s always been something we do in my family… gathering us together like nothing else can.  Literally like nothing. else. can.  Eating, talking, enjoying one another.  It’s awesome.)  Fantasy football… nah.

I’ve been getting jazzed for this season of late and excited about the Steelers’ run for their 7th championship (stop – don’t send hate mail!)  In watching some stuff about the NFL and listening to some sports talk radio on my long commutes, and following a few threads here and there, I keep getting bombarded with the fantasy talk.  I even went to a game recently (pre-season Vikings vs. Chiefs at Arrowhead – thanks Jeff!) and heard it there.  Over the loud speaker, on the jumbotron, on posters.  It boggles my mind that grown men get so into this garbage.  Don’t you have better things to spend your time on?  Can’t you find something productive to do?  Sure, a lot of us spend time poorly on occasion.  Sometimes it’s leisure, recreation, relaxation, etc.  Sometimes, it’s just blatant idiocy.  I have to be frank about this, even the name evokes the shear viciousness that is fantasy football.

For those who don’t know what fantasy football is, there are countless places to learn about it, but you won’t find that on TrueManhood.com.  Sorry.

If you find yourself ready to attempt to justify fantasy to me, stop yourself, think through it, and ponder this: it is a fantasy.   Fake. Fantasies lend themselves to sinfulness – idle behavior, sloth, selfishness, and deeper fantasy.  We need to live in reality, not in fantasy.  If you look up the definition of fantasy online, it will tell you that it’s “imagination – to the point of being improbable or impossible.”  This is what you spend countless hours on each week?  This is what gets you hot and bothered?  Don’t tell me that you might win a $1,000 if you win your league.  Don’t tell me about bragging rights over your brothers, co-workers, or poker buddies.  Require more out of your life than fantasy.  Our wives and children deserve more than fantasy.  Our world deserves much more than fantasy.

Why do I care?  ‘If I don’t like it, I don’t have to do it.’  Right?  How many of you are thinking that right now?  Guess why I care… because men have too many responsibilities that are going undone because we waste our lives on crap like fantasy football.  To me, this isn’t much different than porn.  Porn is a fantasy land.  Unreality that leads to viciousness.  If you don’t think it effects you and me, you’re wrong.  When men don’t live lives of virtue, they’re living lives of viciousness.  There’s no two-ways about it.  We have tons of males running around like boys, playing games all day long, wasting away the good opportunities to be something, and to do something.  Get it together, bros!

So, what are you going to do instead of fantasy football this year?  I’d suggest anything along the lines of… anything but fantasy.

TrueMan up!

5 Myths About Masturbation by Brian Kissinger (thePornEffect.com)

Masturbation is a topic that is rarely discussed.  It should be discussed more, and more openly, and not just with teen boys with raging hormones.  I’ve been speaking about pornography use a lot lately on my radio program, in talks I’ve been giving, and as it comes up in conversation with people and even I fail to discuss this side of the topic.  It’s a serious sin (mortal) and almost always linked to pornography use or disordered fantasy.  Clinicians sometimes refer to masturbation as “self-harm”, “self-abuse”, “self-use”, etc.  Planned Parenthood, and their materials, encourage masturbation for children starting at a very young age.  Let’s expose the lies and bring it into the light.

I saw this article posted on The Porn Effect and thought it was important to share.  The author is Brian Kissinger.

“I have read a few books, I have even taken courses on the subject, but nothing could have fully prepared me for teaching a year-long class of Theology of the Body to 150 freshman boys.  Words can’t quite describe the awkwardness of a room full of 14-year-olds trying to maturely discuss the mechanics of the male reproductive system.  One day, as class was ending, one of the students asked me a question that I thought had to be a joke. He wanted to know i it was true that people will explode if they don’t masturbate regularly.  It took me a little while to realize that he was being completely serious, and it was then that I realized just how confused our world has become.

Here are five lies about masturbation that I believe have infected our culture: 

Myth #1: Only Boys Struggle With it

Even though boys are usually the ones joking about masturbation, the truth is that this is an issue for many women as well. Like other issues of sexuality, this subject of jokes for boys is often a source of shame for the girls who struggle.  Even in youth ministry, chastity talks for boys often include mention of masturbation while the topic isn’t, unfortunately, addressed as frequently with girls.

Myth #2: It Can’t Be A Sin; It’s “Natural”

The existence of something in nature is never a good argument for moral issues. I’ve heard people bring up this argument after discovering that certain animals have been known to masturbate.  Anyone who’s been outside can tell you that animals do a lot of weird stuff. I’ve seen dogs eat their vomit and monkeys play with their crap, but neither of these “natural” examples should inspire imitation.

Myth #3: It Doesn’t Hurt Anyone

Everything we do in life is training, either toward virtue or vice. Every athlete, musician, actors, and cage fighter can tell you that practice matters. Masturbation trains us to think that sexual desire is something that should be satisfied immediately, and it reinforces the idea that sex is about selfish instant gratification.  While love is all about giving and sacrificing one’s desires for the needs of another person, masturbation is all about training us to do whatever we want to feel good. Masturbation slowly but surely destroys our ability to give and receive love.  

Myth #4: It’s Just A Way To Release Sexual Tension

Did you see that news story about the teen who spontaneously combusted because of pent-up sexual tension? Yeah, me neither. According to this logical, the people who masturbate the most should be the most peaceful and sexually pure people around.  That’s like telling someone with anger management issues that fist fights are a good way to relieve the tension. A momentary sense of relief is not worth the guilt, shame, and loneliness that are tied to the sin.

Myth #5: It’s Just A Phase You’re Going Through 

Like all sins, masturbation doesn’t just go away over time. In fact the opposite is true: the more we do it, the more we become attached to the habit It’s not a problem that magically disappears when you get married.  So many marriages have been ruined by a spouse’s addiction to masturbation. When a husband or wife turns to themselves for sexual gratification, the other spouse will naturally feel like they’re inadequate.  Regardless of your past, your habits, or your lack of will power, there is hope.  God’s not cheering for you rom a distance; He’s living in you to bring power where you are weak. Run to the Sacrament of Reconciliation and you will find both healing and freedom.” 

TrueManhood on Catholic Radio

Lately, I’ve been given a great opportunity to record some programming for the Catholic radio program in western Kansas, Divine Mercy Radio (KVDM), out of Hays, Kansas.  The show I host is called “One Body – Stewarding God’s Creation.”  The show is all about the theology of the body, and the great gift that God gave to us through our bodies, our sexuality, and the intended plan He has for us regarding our bodies.

I recently recorded a show that will air soon on KVDM on the topic of pornography.  I share parts of my story and talk about resources, ways to overcome, and a little bit about brain science.  (Only the basics!)

I also had the opportunity to video this show, which I plan to do for all of my shows from now on.  That video will be available soon.

Here are some promos for the show.  I hope you are able to listen in or catch the podcast.

TrueMan up!

Google Might be Out, but Porn is Still In

In a story that started buzzing yesterday, Porn Harms reported that Google has agreed to stop advertising sexually explicit material.  Here’s a story from Breitbart.com.  I’m glad to hear this news, but I realize that it’s merely a small (tiny, miniscule, maybe even irrelevant?) step in the fight against internet pornography.  On a positive note, they have removed all of their pornography apps from the Google Play store, a very positive step forward!

It wouldn’t really matter if Google dropped, blocked, and deleted it from their services; porn is available.  It’s so available that it pops up when we don’t want it to, when we don’t expect it to, and in completely harmless situations, like when our children utilize the internet.  If you’re a man, there are countless things you can (and should) be doing to help prevent yourself from falling into the trap of internet pornography.  However, when children are involved, we can’t sit by acting as if nothing is happening, because it is.  The likelihood that your child, anywhere over the age of 3, has seen pornography in some form is astonishing.  Ignorance to this fact is never the answer.

The reality is that parents must teach their children the truths about porn, the human body, anatomy, and sexuality.  The only way to win back purity in our insane culture is to teach the truth and to teach it openly to everyone, including our children.  Age-appropriate education is vital.  There are various ways to talk to your children, starting at a very young age, about their bodies, about appropriate behavior and touch, about sexuality.  As children grow, that age-appropriate information changes, develops, and increases.  It is a misnomer to call any form of sex-ed “the talk”, as if it happens once.  Insteadof “the talk”, it should be “the on going series of education, information, encouragement, explanation, and truth about our bodies, sexuality, and reproductive organs”.  That series should include the appropriate information, and shouldn’t leave out the consequences of poor choices and poorly formed consciences.

Notice that I’m not saying that we should ban sex and never talk about it.  That obviously hasn’t worked.  The puritanical approach towards sexuality can’t last and causes rebellion.  Sexuality is too important, too special, and too powerful to suppress.  Notice, too, that I’m certainly not suggesting that we let our kids go hog-wild sexually, as if there’s no consequence to their choices.  Instead, just as the Church teaches in Her infinite wisdom, we should embrace human sexuality, with full-knowledge of the purpose and plan, and interact within that intended purpose.  Freedom exists there.

I’ve come across many parents as I’ve taught on this topic, and as I’ve presented at parishes across the country.  My presentation “Helping Parents Protect Their Children from the Internet and Technology” has shown me that many more parents need to know the truth, be equipped with resources and information, and be instructed on how to talk to their kids.  It’s never too late, but that doesn’t mean you should continue to wait.  Parents – have the conversations with your kids, and do it today.  Oh, and Dads… this isn’t Mom’s job.  It’s your job.  Do it.

TrueMan up!

Book Dave to Speak

Dave DiNuzzo Sr. is currently booking dates to speak at conferences, parishes, college campuses, and retreats.  He has been speaking to crowds of all different sizes and kinds, spreading the message of Jesus Christ, since he was a teenager.  As a Catholic husband and father of 4, Dave utilizes his experiences as a speaker, Theology teacher, Author, Blogger, Podcaster, Radio host, and retreat master to bring audiences along through catechetical topics while infusing stories, inspiration, and real life into his talks.  He wants to invigorate your group in a deep and authentic way.  Contact him today!

To book Dave to speak at your event, email ContactUs@TrueManhood.com.

Men Leading Boys, Not Boys Leading Boys

 

Dads, this post is for you.  On the heels of St. Joseph’s Feast Day, I wanted to talk about what I believe is an important topic regarding fathers and their sons.  As you read in the title of this post, I wrote “men leading boys, not boys leading boys.”  This idea has come up a lot for me, especially of late, in regards to things that take place in and around our world.  Three specific areas that I’ll mention are 1. Scouting 2. Catholic Schools and 3. Firearms.

 The concept of boys learning how to be men from men might seem like an unnecessary one to hash out.  Unfortunately, I believe that we have a crisis of masculinity because boys have been learning how to be men from other boys.  This simply doesn’t work.  Keep in mind that the opposite of masculinity is not femininity, but rather, childishness.  Both boys and men are males, but not all males are or become men.  (Some dogs are males too, that doesn’t make them men.)  Some males may never reach manliness – this would be due to their actions, choices, and attitudes.

This opens the doorway to many criticisms of this idea, such as fathers who have abandoned their children, fathers who are divorced and estranged from their families, boys whose fathers may have simply been a “donor”, and sadly for some, boys whose fathers have passed away.  (Most of these scenarios, as you can see, involve a party other than the boy himself, making a choice that negatively impacts the boy and his development.  I would put the ‘fathers who have passed away’ in a different category altogether for my argument.)  Unfortunately, the common response is “we can’t expect fathers to be with their sons because so many boys don’t have fathers who are present.”  This is the wrong response, and probably a major factor of why we are in the predicament of a fatherless culture.  Let’s stop making excuses, and save what good we have, and fix the bad.  If you have a boy (or many boys) in your life – family, friends, neighbors, your children’s classmates, etc. – who don’t have a father in their life, be that man to him as much as you can. Regarding scouting: there has been a big push, especially among Catholics, to leave the Boy Scouts of America organization because of choices and changes they have made, areas of morality they have compromised, and unsafe environments that have gone unregulated, to name a few.  I’ve engaged in the conversation several times with various folks and have come to the conclusion that whatever our boys do, the fathers MUST be involved!  Whether the boy is in scouts, (Check out Dr. Taylor Marshall’s Catholic option) or in sports, how can we expect one man, and sometimes a woman, (ie: the scout leader or the coach) to form every young boy he has under his care?  That’s crazy to think that it will happen.  Even with a few leaders or a few coaches, the journey from boyhood to manliness won’t occur properly without each boy’s father being present.

My second area of concentration on this topic is within our Catholic schools.  Hopefully, if you’re a father of a child in school, you not only know their teachers, administrators, and coaches, but you know their friends and the parents of their friends.  Knowing the teachers and administrators means more than simply knowing their names and faces, but actually knowing their philosophy and certainly their theology.  (I’m guilty of not knowing enough about this with my own children.)  My point is this… if the father is void of this vital time, or simply “lets mom do it”, our kids will suffer.  Fathers must be active in the education and formation of their children.  Again, it seems unnecessary to say it, but it is so true and utterly ridiculous to think that our boys will become men from the other boys they are around at school.  The other boys in school might be watching inappropriate movies, shows, and listening to inappropriate music.  They may also have misguided “world views”, or beliefs that are contrary to Catholicism.  Many of these boys are already addicted to porn, engaged in sexual behavior, using alcohol and drugs, and involved in unlawful acts.  Are these the boys you want your boys being formed by?

 My parenting philosophy here is not to simply lock my children in the basement and keep them in a Catholic bubble, but rather, to properly form them, instilling virtue into their lives, so that when faced with tough life decisions, peer pressure, or sin-in-general, they make the right decision.  Get in there and be the leader your kid needs!

I thought I’d also throw in the third area – firearms – because I continue to hear so much untruth surrounding them.  Yes, I am a gun-guy.  I have a bunch of firearms and I enjoy them thoroughly.  I talk about them with my kids, show them how they function, how to load them, how to clean them, proper stance for various shooting positions, and include various tactics and methods.  I take them hunting with me (they are not of hunting age themselves, but may accompany me) and to the range or country to shoot.  Along the way, their formation is heavily involved because I don’t leave things at surface level, but rather, dive into serious topics and scenarios with them.  We’ve discussed the ethics and morality in relation to hunting, requiring us to be smart, safe, and legal.  We’ve discussed the reality of the danger of firearms when used incorrectly, with the devastating effects that they can have, including the reality of death.  We talk about a lot of things regarding firearms – they are a part of our lives.  Heck, many nights, the food we eat is due to the firearms that I have and have used.  I don’t shy away from having them, using them, or showing them to my kids like my firearms are some sort of evil-doer or monster.  We embrace them as a tool and just like my hammers, screwdrivers, drills, and wrenches, I teach my kids how to utilize them properly.  How else would I expect them to learn?

I guess I’ll end with this: if we want out boys to remain boys, and never reach TrueManhood (a life of virtue modeled after Jesus Christ), then we should let the culture raise them.  If, however, we want our boys to reach TrueManhood (and ideally, as soon as possible), then we should raise them.  This means being heavily involved in every aspect of their life, at all times, without compromise.

 I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again… we’ve all heard the saying “If I don’t do it, nobody will.”  I’ll see your bet and raise you eternity… “If I don’t do it, the devil will.”  Think about it.

 TrueMan up!

Example to the Example – St. Joseph

Happy Feast of St. Joseph!  As you’ll hear in this vlog (below), St. Joseph is my favorite saint.  He is such an incredible example to us, and for me personally, has played a huge role in me growing into the man I am today.  St. Joseph is so complex, and has so many dimensions, it is hard to decide what to discuss!

I titled this post “example to the example” because it forces us to look a level or two deeper than we normally look.  St. Joseph is not merely a saint.  Not merely Mary’s husband.  Not merely the most chaste spouse.  St. Joseph is the example by which Jesus – the perfect example of masculinity –  learned to be a man.  Whoa!  What a huge role that was.

St. Joseph – I ask you to intercede for me.  Take my needs to your son, The King, and beg Him, on my behalf, for the grace necessary to be the man, the husband, and the father He is calling me to be.  Thank you for your example to me, and the daily reminder you give me through my wife and children.

TrueMan up!

Here’s an old video that I was asked to help with, back in 2011, to help promote the movie “Courageous”.  In this video, I speak about being a chaste spouse.  [This project was a St. Joseph Novena – a video a day, leading up to Father’s Day.]  (Disregard dates, my title, etc. – the information is outdated.)

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