Great Resource For Women – “Yes, She’s More Beautiful Than You”

I came across this great website by a lady named Ashley Weis.  See her site HERE.  Ashley writes strictly to women, to be a support and a source of inspiration to them.  Ashley’s story is a good one – the wife of a man with an addiction to pornography.  This topic is a topic that spurs a lot of questions.  Many women ask me about this topic – how can I help my _________? (fill in the blank).  Sometimes it’s “my husband”, “my boyfriend”, “my dad”, etc.  I know how to help the men, I don’t necessarily know how to help the women.  I was very relieved when I found out about Ashley’s resources.

My wife is a great resource in this process of healing, as she too is the wife of a recovering pornography addict.  She is a Licensed Professional Counselor and really good at what she does.  She has some insights into the feelings, emotions, prayers, healing and trust that goes into all this.  If you’d like to talk with Catherine, feel free to email us at ContactUs@TrueManhood.com and we’ll pass your email along to her.

For women who might be reading this, I hope that either Catherine or Ashley, or any of the other women that are resources on this topic, can be a source of peace and healing for you if you are dealing with this trauma.

For the men reading this, I urge you to see the hurt and pain through a woman’s eyes/thoughts.  It should speak volumes to us and help our behavior.  If you know of a woman in your life who needs to read this, please forward the link to them.

Ashley recently wrote a great article for the Covenant Eyes blog.  I share it with you below.  (BTW: if you’re looking for a great internet security software, Covenant Eyes is a great one.  It might cost a bit of money, but a few dollars a month is worth your salvation, don’t you think?!)

Here’s the blog entry from Ashley that was posted at the Covenant Eyes Blog:

Yes, She’s More Beautiful Than You

“I nuzzled my face into his chest, peered up at him, and said, “I just want to be the most beautiful woman in the world to you.”

Silence.

Immediately, I replayed memories. Like the day I found explicit links on the computer. And the night he confessed to viewing pornography at work while I waited for him at home—pregnant.

“Silence doesn’t make me feel any better,” I said, hoping he’d say something to reassure me.

“I don’t want to say something that’s not true.”

“So, there are women you think are more beautiful than me?” He didn’t answer, but I pried.

“There have been. Yes.”

I gulped and restrained tears. “What about them?” He named qualities. Attributes I already knew he found attractive, but hearing the words ripped my heart into a thousand pieces.

When I begged for a deeper understanding, he asked, “Would it help if I gave you an actual person?” He gave me a celebrity’s name. I thanked God it wasn’t someone we knew.

Then I asked a question I shouldn’t have asked, “So, if you stood her next to me, you would think she was more beautiful?”

“Yes, she’s more beautiful than you.”

Tears rained for an hour. I thought I’d never heal after such devastation. Beauty was stolen from me. My essence was torn apart. I never imagined feeling beautiful again, not after my dearest companion whispered the heart-wrenching words, ‘Yes, she’s more beautiful than you.’

Agonizing thoughts popped up every time my husband and I made love. Whenever we were in public, I feared seeing a woman with the qualities he named. And I cried every time I saw my reflection in a mirror.

I had to do something, but what?

Divorce was out of the question. I didn’t want to break my wedding vows. I didn’t want to run from problems. But I didn’t know how to heal. Sometimes just looking at my husband brought tears. I missed the way our relationship sparkled in the beginning. I wanted us back. But every time I looked into his eyes I felt unwanted and ugly.

My husband began to change. He battled lust and asked God to purify his heart. Even so, whenever he told me I was beautiful, I cringed.

People often reminded me that beauty isn’t reflected in a woman’s appearance—it’s all about her heart. But every time I saw another woman I’d compare myself. And whenever my husband looked at me I’d wonder if I was beautiful enough.

Surely, beauty had something to do with appearance; otherwise God wouldn’t have created women to be beautiful and men wouldn’t be so visually stimulated by their wives. But how could I feel beautiful in my own skin after my husband ranked me below other women? He said he had changed, and his actions proved that his heart was being purified more every day, but I still positioned myself below those women and felt unattractive.

After many agonizing nights of locking my husband out of the house and handing over my wedding rings, I woke up, looked in the mirror, and asked God to help me view myself through His eyes—not my own or my husband’s.

For the first time I saw beauty. But it wasn’t a familiar beauty.

Stripped of make-up and hair products, I saw beauty in my reflection. I saw a woman crafted by God. And He doesn’t make mistakes. Every flaw somehow vanished when I realized that my imperfections were beautiful to Him.

The same God that orchestrates beautiful sunsets created me! Looking at myself and believing I needed make-up, hair straighteners, and tan skin to create beauty was pretty much telling God, “Sorry, but you didn’t cut it. I need to add some things, take away some things, and then I’ll be beautiful.”

It’s not easy to feel this way every minute of the day. Satan seeks to destroy me. He throws arrows at my deepest wounds and worst insecurities. He wants me to feel like I need to prove myself. Like I need something else in order to be good enough. Whether it’s my body or personality, he is always trying to make me think I’m lacking something. God wants me to rest in who I am. Satan doesn’t. It’s like a tug of war for my heart. God builds me up and Satan schemes to bring me down. I don’t want to let him.

Yes, I still wonder if I’m good enough for my husband. I still battle the wow-I-wonder-if-he-likes-that-woman thoughts. But I have learned to view my beauty through God’s eyes. And in turn, I’m not so dependent upon anyone’s opinion other than God Himself.

I hope I will continue to realize the “I’m not good enough” feeling is a lie. There is no perfect woman. God created me to be me. Confidence is a beautiful thing, and I want that! Not stylish clothes, but the godly confidence God created me to have. I desire a smile that beams when the world is crashing down.

I am learning to love myself, appreciate the gifts and positive qualities God gave me, and thank Him for them. I am still learning and struggling, but most of all, still fighting and loving.

Truly, I feel as though my beauty has been resurrected since I looked at myself through God’s eyes, and stopped trying to attain the sex appeal advertised on billboards or advertisements. Although it’s still difficult not to desire that kind of sexiness, God has shown me a different side of beauty. A beauty that He finds attractive, because He created it.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to rid myself of the words my husband said. They still tumble through my thoughts and spin my heart. But I have learned to stop believing them. I’ve learned that I do not need affirmation from the world in order to know I am beautiful. Now, when I brush make-up on my face, I know it’s not necessary; it’s only a fun accessory. Real beauty is created by God, not me.

I can shout with full confidence, “I am beautiful,” because the King of Kings fashioned me. And no one can take that beauty away from me.”

A Review: Cultural Manliness

I haven’t written about cultural manliness in a while, so I thought I’d review it.  Cultural manliness, for those unfamiliar with the term (which I coined a few years ago) is the idea that “the more power, money, sex and stuff a male has, the more manly he is.”  This idea is propagated in our culture virtually non-stop, whether on the television, on the internet, in movies, throughout magazines and newspapers, on billboards, in songs, in advertising and just about anywhere those areas don’t cover.  The idea is propagated for a few reasons: 1. men buy into this lie.  2. women buy into this lie.  3. children buy into this lie.  4. people make money off of this lie.  5. the devil wins souls through this lie.

Cultural manliness – being in pursuit of the things of this world – will kill a man.  Power, money, sex and stuff doesn’t win our salvation, but it certainly can keep us from it.  Cultural manliness easily gets in the way of a relationship with Christ.  Why does this matter?  Because Christ is the true example of manliness!  He is THE TrueMan.  He is the reason this site exists.  He is the reason why the site is called what it is called.  “Blessed be Jesus Christ, True God and TrueMan.”  Anything other than pursuing Christ is futile and unmanly.

The world wants to tell a man that he will be ‘happy’ if he has more power, more sex, more money and more stuff.  This things, in and of themselves are not bad, but they don’t bring happiness.  They may bring emotional counterfeits that men believe to be happiness, but they aren’t happiness.

What then makes a man, if it’s not power, money, sex and stuff?  Virtue!  Prudence, Justice, Fortitude and Temperance – Faith, Hope and Love.  Learn them, live them, be a TrueMan!  (Read the “TrueManhood Guide to Virtue” here.)

If you’d like to read more on the topic, do a search (in the white box on the upper right portion of each page of this site) for “cultural manliness”.  You’ll have plenty of reading material.  Or, go to the blog page and click the “cultural manliness” tab.  I’d like to know your thoughts on this topic – leave a comment.

TrueMan up!

NO! To the Lingerie “Football” League

I didn’t know this was a real thing, but apparently, the Lingerie Football League is real.  I had seen various advertisements for this before, mostly on TV around the time of the Super Bowl each year, but had no idea that his is a full-fledged league, with actual games, tickets, refs and fans.  The LFL, as they call it, is hoping to expand to the new market of Nashville, Tennessee soon, but groups like “Girls Against Porn” have attempted to put a stop to this expansion.

Just reading the names of the LFL teams tells me that this entire “product” is scandalous, in the same vein as strip clubs, prostitution and exploitation of women.  Here are a few… San Diego Seduction, Dallas Desire, Los Angeles Temptation, Philadelphia Passion, Orlando Fantasy.  This CANNOT be what the next generation of young women and girls thinks is authentically feminine!

Many people automatically ask the question, “what’s so wrong about this?”  I ask, “Name one thing that is right about this.”  Nothing!  The objectification of women happens in so many places and in so many ways, why do women continue to allow it to happen to themselves?  Why do men continue to objectify women?  Why do we stand idly by and do nothing anything about it?

There’s no virtue in this.  There’s no honor, pride or goodness in this.  It’s pornography on the football field.  Not to mention on the internet, the TV (pay per view) and in magazines.

Tiffany Helfrich, founder and president of Girls Against Porn, has created a petition, in hopes of stopping the LFL from opening its doors in Nashville.  Here is what she writes about the petition…

Help put a stop to the expansion of this exploitation of women in America.  If you are inclined to sign the petition, you can find it HERE.

TrueMan up!

Comment Response

Not too long ago, I received a comment on a post called “Porn Proves Deadly” about a driver of a big rig who, while driving was streaming porn on his laptop, hit and killed a woman whose vehicle was disabled in the median.  The comment was poorly written, unsubstantiated and downright unnecessary.  I receive occasional comments like this and respond as I can.  Typically, when I respond, I don’t hear back.  Such was the case of this comment and its author.  Here is his comment in red italics:

“While I’m not saying I’m pro-porn, I have to say that logically, you’re using a false correlation here.  Some of the things you post I agree with, some I don’t, but saying that the reason he crashed was because of porn is just misleading.  The reason he crashed is because he was being stupid and not paying attention to the road.  It could have been porn, or a regular movie, or he could have been playing solitaire.  It wasn’t the porn, it was his actions and negligence while he was driving.

Frankly, I don’t appreciate your attempts to whip up a fervor.  Countless accidents happen because people text while driving, but I don’t see you talking about that here.  As far as I can tell, you’re just trying to get people on your side with stories that have an untrue “if-then” correlation.  That’s lying, and that, sir, is just plain unmanly.”

I then responded with the following, below in gray:

Thank you for your comment and continued visits to my site.  I’m glad that you agree with me most of the time.  For those times when you don’t agree with me, as in this case, that is certainly your choice.

I have read over your comment, and after review of my post, I believe you are incorrect in your critique of my writing.  Therefore, I am not approving your comment, which is my prerogative, here’s why:

I am not lying, pornography kills.  I even wrote in there “sometimes figuratively, sometimes literally”.  You are correct; it could have been any number of other distractions.  It wasn’t.  It was porn.  This man was looking at porn and killed a woman.  Besides, texting, or watching another movie, does not involve the chemicals in the brain the way that pornography (or any sexual activity or stimulus) does.  The brain emits oxytocin during orgasm and oxytocin is a bonding agent.  It is the same bonding agent between a mother and child at birth and during breastfeeding.  This was not the man’s first time viewing porn, so the bonds that were created in his mind from previous exposure were firing at incredible speeds and it most likely caused such a stir that he lost all recollection that he was driving.

You are correct in saying that you don’t see me posting about the dangers of texting and driving.  You simply didn’t see it.  I posted on August 27, 2009 about it.  The post came over from my old site, so the majority of the post is missing.  Here’s the link… https://www.truemanhood.com/the-dangers-of-texting-and-driving.  I suggest taking the link from the post and watching it on YouTube.

When you send a critique like this, do you homework first.  Don’t call me a liar.  Don’t criticize me when you don’t know what you’re talking about.  My site is not intended to make everyone agree with me, it is intended to do 3 things.  1. Fight pornography and the dangers of pornography addiction.  2. Fight cultural manliness, the idea that the world tells a male.  3. Teach men about virtue and how to live virtue.

Why am I sharing all of this with you?  For a few reasons:

1. Because I believe that those of us that understand the Truth, must share the Truth!  So often the world asks us to sugarcoat everything and water it down.  I refuse.  People are longing for the truth and desire badly to grasp it.  (You simply can’t grasp a watered-down, sugarcoated false-truth… it’s all wet and slippery.)
2. To remind the TrueManhood.com Blog readership of the 3 intentions of this site.
3. To remind the men who read this site that we are striving for virtue.
4. To ward off the nay-sayers.
5. To challenge the “status quo” out there that is indifferent to pornography and the dangers associated with it.  Apathy doesn’t change problems, it makes them worse.
6. To show that being charitable doesn’t mean being an old, soggy dishrag that someone can wipe the ground with.  Being charitable may offend or upset someone.  Jesus offended many in His day.

I really do appreciate comments.  And when someone has a legitimate question, concern or suggestion, I typically heed them.  So, if you’ve got a comment, please pass it along.  If it’s negative, poorly written, distasteful or something similar, I won’t be posting it.

TrueMan up!

Victims of Addiction

During the month of November, one of Pope Benedict XVI’s prayer intentions is for victims of addiction, both those who are addicted, as well as those effected by the addiction of someone else.  It’s important for us to pray for one another, whether we’ve had or have an addiction or not.  For those who are addicted to pornography, I want to say to you that there is hope.  There is freedom outside of pornography abuse.  There are ways to find help and resources out there for you.  If you would like more info, or specific help, or possibly to be referred to a psychotherapist who specializes in pornography addiction, please email us at Info@TrueManhood.com and we can get you in touch with the correct resource.

Take a few minutes to watch this video.  Fr. Kubicki reflects on PBXVI’s prayer intention for November.  Please watch it the whole way through, as there is helpful information about addictions towards the second half.  All the best.

TrueMan up!

Investors – Does their Money Talk?

I received the story below from a friend.  As I read through it, I wondered… what is the purpose of the pornography industry, and in general the sex industry, if not money?  The countless stories of former porn stars hating the industry due to physical, sexual and emotional abuse, as well as the abuse of alcohol and drugs, not to mention the illegal prostitution and ongoing mental anguish… makes me wonder why the industry exists.  The only answer is money.  It is the leading cause for luring women in, as well as keeping them in.  The industry is so big that, worldwide over the span of a year, the industry grosses more revenue than MLB, NFL, NBA, NHL and NASCAR combined!  Good on Christian Brothers Investment Services for working to put a stop to it.

If these investors actually stop investing in companies/organizations that promote, produce and/or distribute porn, it would likely take a big chunk away from the industry.  There’s only one way to find out – let’s hope they follow through.  Here’s the story.

Top cable, satellite firms asked to curb channels carrying pornography

Christian Brothers Investment Services led a group of 220 other institutional investors to ask the United States’ largest cable television and satellite TV providers to stop distributing on-demand pay-per-view pornography and to stop carrying adult channels that specialize in pornographic material.

Letters were sent Nov. 3 to Comcast, Time Warner Cable and Cablevision, which are, respectively, the first-, second- and fifth-largest cable companies in the United States and the three biggest publicly traded companies. Similar letters also went to DirecTV and Dish Network, the two principal U.S. satellite TV firms.

If a company cannot completely wean itself from porn, the letter said, then it should alert stockholders to the “potentially significant legal and business risks” that exist from carrying porn by including that information in the company’s public disclosures.

Dan Nielsen, director of socially responsible investing for Christian Brothers Investment Services, outlined some of the risks to companies in a Nov. 3 telephone interview with Catholic News Service from his organization’s headquarters in Chicago suburb of Oak Brook, Ill.

“There’s certainly the reputational risk, which is obviously very controversial in nature,” Nielsen said. “There are legal risks if the companies are caught distributing materials that are defined as obscene and therefore illegal,” therefore risking alienation of the company’s customer base. “If a company has developed a reputation as a family-friendly company” yet distributes porn, “it is a test of the good will of the company,” he added.

Calling pornography a $13 billion industry in the United States, the Christian Brothers letter said, “We feel that as more people become concerned about pornography and the effects, both direct and indirect, it has on our society, greater scrutiny will be placed on those companies involved in its production and distribution. The costs for remaining involved in pornography will increase.”

Each company was asked to respond to the letter by Nov. 12 indicating its “strategic rationale for either continuing or discontinuing distributing pornography.” The Christian Brothers letter also said the investment firm wants to convene meetings between officials from each company and a small group of stockholders to discuss the issue.

Nielsen laughed when reminded of the art-imitates-life world of the NBC sitcom “30 Rock” in which NBC’s fictional suitor, Kabletown, maintains it can afford the purchase thanks to its profits from on-demand pornography. In real life, Comcast — one of the companies targeted by the Christian Brothers firm — is bidding for a majority stake in NBC Universal.

“I found that quite amusing, actually,” Nielsen said. “At the same time, I thought it was significant that the issue was mentioned in such a high-profile format. Unfortunately, it also touches on a trend of normalizing behavior toward pornography amongst society at large.”

Nielsen said Christian Brothers had been longtime investors in each of the companies targeted, but in terms of stockholder actions had prior dealings only with Time Warner Cable — before it was spun off in early 2009 from the rest of Time Warner.

The letter did not mention any adult channels, but Nielsen mentioned Spice and the Playboy Channel during the CNS interview.

“Early on, we adopted an investment screen against companies that primarily produce pornography,” Nielsen said. And in surveys of members of Christian Brothers Investment Services, he added, “pornography continues to rank as one of the high priority issues for our investors.”

“There remains a very, very large number of organizations that see the pernicious effects of pornography on our society,” according to Nielsen. “Unfortunately, there aren’t that many opportunities for them to take action and effect change.”

Among the 220 signatories are leading members of a host of dozens of men’s and women’s religious orders in the United States and elsewhere, but also representatives from other investment agents and the travel industry.

Earlier in 2010, Christian Brothers Investment Services pressured hotel chains in which it held stock to implement and enforce policies designed to deter sex trafficking, particularly with underage children, most notably in conjunction with the World Cup soccer tournament in South Africa.

My Alma Mater on National TV

This season of The Biggest Loser on NBC showcased the brother of a Benedictine College student and football player.  My alma mater, Benedictine College, is one of the finest small colleges in the country.  US News and World Report ranked it one of the best colleges in 2011.  Benedictine College was a place where my life radically changed.  I owe a great deal to the institution and especially to my BC friends.

In college, I was a lost young man.  I thought I knew everything.  My favorite saying was “Dave’s way or the wrong way.”  I had a very lax attitude and was quick to point fingers.  I was an angry rageaholic and alienated myself.  I used my intimidation factor to get what I wanted, whether I hurt someone along the way or not.  I was addicted to porn and took advantage of women.  I was a bully.

I left the Catholic Church because I thought I knew better.  I was living a double life; one way in public, another completely different way in private.  It was a downward spiral and I became very alone and fell into despair.  Luckily, I had men and women around me who loved me.  They lived the love of Christ with joy… it was enticing and I never wanted something so badly in my entire life.  I began asking questions, getting my doubts answered and along the way, became a man of prayer.  My prayer life, along with educating myself and asking tough questions, as well as working to right-wrongs, allowed me to get to a place where I could make logical and well-formed decisions.  Eventually, I returned to the Catholic faith and have never looked back.  All of my questions were answered in Sacred Scripture, and enlivened by Sacred Tradition.

In this clip, you will see a college campus that is not only beautiful, but authentically Catholic.  Behind the football field (where I suited up in the #48 black jersey and helmet, and where I ran lots of stairs) you can just barely grab a glimpse of the Benedictine Monk’s Abbey.

This video clip is about more than just The Biggest Loser or about football.  The clip is about what Adam is saying… it is like any tough journey or battle that we face in our lives.

He mentions many things, but the thing that strikes me the most is the ‘pay it forward’ theme.  Because of what I’ve been given, I try to give it back to others in need.  The reason why I do what I do is so that if a man is where I once was, I can help him out of it, or if a man has never been to where I was, I can help him never to go there.

TrueMan up!

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