Prove It

There’s an aspect to manliness that I haven’t mentioned on the site, to date, and I want to bring it into the fold.  The aspect of “proving your manliness” is an underlying requirement to achieving TrueManhood.  Throughout all of time, in great civilizations and in small, young boys have had to prove their ability to be considered a man by the rest of the men.  Whether it was killing an animal, conquering a task, going on an adventure or enduring a trial of some sort, young boys weren’t considered a part of the group of men unless they accomplished the task.  Proving one’s manliness is something that we have forgotten in America.

How can we get back to proving one’s manliness, especially in light of the requirements that our world puts out there for guys “to be manly”?  How can we get back to this when what we talk about most on the site, in regards to TrueManhood, is virtue?  I think the answer lies somewhere between the older men (fathers, grandfathers, senior men, etc.)  setting an example of manliness and the young-to-middle-aged-men who have proven themselves as TrueMen to hold a standard of excellence as the requirements for boys and young men who have yet to prove themselves as TrueMen.  Somewhere along the way, we let go of the standard of excellence and now we are faced with the cultural issues of boys acting as if life was a fast action, shoot ’em up movie or the opposite, where we have overly-effeminate males walking around aimlessly.

Why would proving manliness change anything?  Well, if young boys/men knew that they had to prove their manliness (note: this must happen through a rigorous process of proving that their actions are consistently ordered towards the good) before they could ask a girl on a date, before they could have a job, before they could have any responsibility, etc. I think it would greatly change the level of importance put on manliness, which is needed in the worst way.

Man up!

Cultural Manliness Catches Up With You

In this video, Tiger Woods issues a public apology for his actions.  Tiger was living a life of cultural manliness, living for money, power, sex and stuff.  It caught up with him, as it does every man who lives it.  His words ring true… he must show his remorse and his changed way of life not by speaking, but by his actions.  It appears to me, an untrained eye, that he is sincere.  He appears nervous and timid, and obviously, when you read a speech from paper, your demeanor is different than when you speak from the heart.  I don’t know that he’ll back up what he says, but I think that his tenacity and determination to be the best, which has made him so successful in golf and business, will aid him in succeeding in this journey towards being a leader, a role model, a good husband and an engaged, active and loving father.

Note: Tiger speaks about Buddhism towards the end of this clip.  Buddhism doesn’t hold the answers to life, however, Tiger is grasping for truth and something to guide him in life.  If I had the chance to speak with Tiger, I would challenge him to live a life for Christ, a life filled with joy, happiness and fulfillment.  If you can’t view the clip, click HERE.

Wood’s words are merely words, yet, he’s right.  He needs to live a life of integrity.  He let people down, and must make amends.  He led people, especially children, astray.  He knows that he needs help, and seems intent to continue to seek guidance and counseling.

I wish Tiger all the best.  “To whom much is given, much is expected.”

Man up!

Fighting for Manliness Video

I finally got some of the video edited from my talk at the 2010 FOCUS National Conference in Orlando, FL on New Year’s Eve 2009. The talk was titled “Fighting for Manliness” for the Men’s Impact Sessions. The crowd for the two sessions totaled around 1,500 college men.

The video below is only part 1 of the 50 minute video.

In this talk, I highlighted some major points, including: What is Manliness?,  Manly Leadership,  Living Virtue,  Fighting the Giant of Pornography and more.

If your content is removed by your server, click HERE to view the video on YouTube.

Fighting Cultural Manliness

Society makes suggestions to us, either directly or indirectly, about what’s manly and what’s not.  Typically, society paints a picture that “cultural manliness” stems from all or part of the following: POWER, MONEY, SEX and STUFF.  Society calls a man who possesses these things a “real man”.  Separately, and in the right context, these attributes are wonderful, and add nicely to life.  When used out of context, they can become disastrous.  If a male possesses one (or more) of these attributes, than he automatically racks up points on an invisible ‘man scale’.  A given amount of points on the cultural manliness scale doesn’t necessarily gain a guy anything, and it’s not like he can cash those points in for anything tangible.  Nor is this something that guys sit around and discuss, it just sort of “is”.  It comes from movies and music, tv and the internet.  It’s the machismo mindset.  However, because of the picture that is painted, a man with lots of points is (for whatever reason) elevated to a higher level than a regular Joe.  As this happens, men being elevated and esteemed for what they possess and/or what they have done, other men desire to emulate these “real men” and therefore, “get what he has and do what he’s done.”  Other men begin to shoot for power, money, sex and stuff, instead of what really determines what manliness is.

What is real manliness???  Or, in our case, TrueManhood??? If real manliness isn’t power, money, sex and stuff, what is it?  Where can we find out?  What can we do to become really manly?  Well, we’re given lots of great examples throughout history of what NOT to do and what’s NOT really manly.  Where do we go to find good examples?  I’d like to point to a few perfect examples of what manliness is using three Biblical characters.

1. After a storied youth, this man fell away from God and screwed up royally.  He engaged in sins of the flesh which led to men dying and problems for others around him.  However, instead of remaining lazy and indifferent, he heeded the words of his dear friend and decided to better himself and devoted his life to serving, honoring and praising God.  He became faithful, prayerful and humble.  He set an example of great virtue for others to see.  He, like us, sinned – but repented, asking for forgiveness and continue to grow in holiness.

2. This man was wronged at an early age.  After spending many years in confinement for crimes he hadn’t committed, he rose in the ranks and eventually became the king’s trusted advisor.  Instead of taking vengeance on the men who wronged him, he chose love, honor and service.  This man was a humble and faithful servant to God, never losing his foundation of prayer, trust and faith.  An incredible witness of how to work through hardships.

3. This man was given, quite possibly, the hardest task a human father could be given.  He was asked to take on a role that no other father had ever been asked to do, but he readily accepted and because he was a virtuous man, he succeeded in this difficult task.  Because he trusted God (and His messenger), this man remained faithful and obedient.  Due to his successful job-well-done, all men have a perfect example of what it means to be a chaste husband, a loving father and a hard worker.

What is TrueManhood?  From these three examples, we see a theme: these three men were virtuous.  Their virtue (especially their theological virtue of faith) allowed them to persevere and to continue to serve God.

The idea of cultural manliness is that, as you accumulate more wealth, as you sleep with more women, as you buy more stuff and as your power “ranking” goes up, the more manly you are.  Cultural manliness never takes into account your virtue, your faith, your relationship with God and/or others, how you treat your wife, children, family, friends, strangers, etc.  Cultural manliness is a facade, a lie, a demeaning and empty way of living.  The glamour of being a “culturally manly” man will wear off in time.  How many people will a culturally manly man hurt along the way?

I call this cultural manliness for a reason, a simple reason.  The culture is expressing the thought that everyone, man or woman, is in this world on their own, free to make up their own truth, free to generate their own spirituality from within.  A man simply goes after what he wants, and his list of wants comes from what gives him pleasure.  Seeking pleasure is what drives his actions and pleasure is often the only motive behind actions.

The Biblical characters described above are, in order: King David, Joseph of the Old Testament and St. Joseph, Patron Saint of Fathers and Workers.

Tuesdays with Daddy – Discipline

When I stay home with my girls on Tuesdays, I know that it’s vital that I stay consistent with my discipline techniques.  My daughters have learned to not push their luck with me, as they know that I’m not going to back down from the standard I have set for them and will, when necessary, continue placing them in time out, removing their toys, or even have the occasional stern “talkin’ to”.  This isn’t simply a finger-waging session, telling them how bad they are.  My children are great, but sometimes they need a loving nudge to make better decisions.  In order for my discipline techniques to be effective, my “Daddy discipline” must already be in place so that I can stay consistent.  Discipline, used in two different senses here… confusing.  What I mean by my discipline techniques, is the set of expectations and consequences that I’ve set in place, with my wife, for my children.  -Let’s call this discipline “the rules”-.  What I mean by my Daddy discipline, in this case, is my personal commitment (self-discipline) to remaining true to what I know is the best method of parenting, resulting in the best formation and development for my children. -Let’s call this discipline “the preparation”-.  Both distinctions are crucial for the welfare of my children.  [In both cases, the theological virtue of charity must be central.]

There is a close relation to the two definitions here, and is important for us as children of God.  He wholeheartedly wants what is best for His children.  God the Father also has a set of expectations for us, a standard that He desires to see His children fulfill (the rules).  We should know that God, our Heavenly Father, is going to remain true to his “method of parenting” and simply wants what is best for our formation and development (the preparation).  The problem, I believe, is that we aren’t that worried about “time outs”, and that honestly, we don’t listen when He gives us a stern “talkin’ to”.  Maybe it’s because we can’t see the reward with our eyes.  Maybe we don’t know how to listen to the voice of God.  Maybe it’s because we aren’t smart enough to follow the path of those who have successfully gone before us.  I’m not really sure, but I think it has something to do, at least in part, with our discipline.

The other day, I wrote about discipline in one of my Super Bowl articles.  (7 Days of Super Bowl Stuff -SBXLIV- Day 5 “Discipline”).  Athletes have, even at the most basic level, a certain amount of discipline that is a responsibility that comes along with playing a sport.  They practice, workout, study the game and then perform.  In this previous article, I wrote about the similarities between being disciplined as an athlete to being disciplined in our spiritual lives.  In today’s article, I hope I show the importance of discipline in our lives, both discipline in the form of a set of expectations of how we live as well as discipline in the daily, practical applications in our lives.  Becoming and remaining disciplined is difficult, but attainable.  Discipline in the little things makes us disciplined in the big things.

Man up!

7 Days of Super Bowl Stuff -SBXLIV- Day 5 “Discipline”

“You need to be that much more disciplined with what you’re doing and execution becomes that much more critical.”  – Drew Brees.

In this clip, Saint Head Coach Sean Payton, Quarterback Drew Brees and Running Back Reggie Bush demonstrate their knowledge of their formidable opponent, the Colts.  We see from their words their understanding of how good the other team is and especially in Brees’ section (:24-:44), he brings up an incredibly important topic of discipline.  Discipline for these men on the football field is essential.  Each player has a role, an assignment, a task.  On each and every play, if each player doesn’t perform their task, the rest of the team suffers.  It takes discipline, on every play, from everyone player, in order for their goal of the play to be successful.  The players may need to remain disciplined when it comes to their foot work, to their hand placement, to their form, to their route, to their fake, to their block, to their gap assignment, to their zone, to their man, etc. and so on.  Prior to each game, they must be disciplined with their workouts, their knowledge of the playbook, training, learning and taking care of their bodies.  Each player plays a pivotal role in the success of each play.

Click HERE for the YouTube link.

The same goes for us, in the spiritual life.  We must become and remain disciplined in regards to our spiritual practices.  We each have a specific role to play on our spiritual team, and when members of the team don’t perform, the rest of the team suffers.  This is why we are referred to as the body of Christ.  “…all the parts of the body, though many, are one body, so also Christ.” [Read: 1 Corinthians 12.] The discipline that we must have starts at the beginning of each day.  Discipline involves our actions, words and thoughts.  If we remain disciplined, our prayer lives are strong.  We fight temptations.  We make virtuous decisions.  We live as Christ demonstrated for us.  Discipline in the little things makes us disciplined in the big things.

If you’re struggling with discipline of a daily prayer life, I recommend that you focus on that.  I share in your struggle, because prayer can be tough some days.  Becoming disciplined in your prayer means that you spend time, daily, speaking to God.  If you’re a married man, imagine not speaking to your wife for a month, and see how good the relationship is at the end of the month.  Probably not very good.  God is the same way.  Open your heart to Him and speak.  However, God gave us two ears and only one mouth… listen twice as much as you speak.

Man up!

GUEST POST – “The Practice of Modesty” by Ashley Crouch

Ashley Crouch is the Assistant Program Director of Love & Fidelity Network, a program designed to equip college students with the resources and training they need to support the institution of marriage, the importance of family, and the integrity of sex on their campuses.  She writes:

US Marine Captain John Campbell recently made National Australian News by boldly speaking out about Australian women’s lack of modesty: “It’s about having standards, ladies,” he said.  “What are standards?  Well, it can begin by dressing in a manner that leaves something to the imagination to say the least…”  Later he said, “Come on, ladies, don’t send us mixed messages.  That’s what you do every time you dress with less than nothing on.”  His voice was an isolated and courageous reminder that women play a significant role in preserving men’s purity; that women bolster men’s’ ability to love authentically.

In today’s culture, our bodies are often treated as instruments rather than as an intimate part of who we are – persons with animmortal soul.  As a result of this disconnect, there is a crisis of modesty prevalent in society.  Popular trends and fashions come and go with arbitrary ease, without any thought being given to a specific standard.   The virtue of modesty has all but become obsolete, while the few who make an effort to endorse its practice often end up sounding prudish and harping on rules, regulations, and guidelines.

Guidelines are in fact good and helpful, and can be found by doing a simple search online.  Modesty, however, is not just about covering up so guys will not be driven to lust.  Modesty is more and often depends on the context. For this reason, it is often misunderstood.

Properly understood, modesty incorporates who the woman is as a person created in the image of God called to love, while acknowledging that men and women are designed to be attracted to one another. The late Pope John Paul II spoke candidly about the human person “as a creature towards whom the only proper attitude is love.”  Authentic love, however, is not defined by a person’s sexuality; Attraction between sexes is meant to exist between two free, full, faithful human persons and to blossom into fruitful love in marriage. Many women yearn to be loved and seek it through immodest dress or action.  Tragically, the immodest dress and behavior of some women, while intended to foster and secure lasting affection, ironically attracts men for other reasons.  A woman who dresses provocatively distracts men from love.  She sends mixed messages.

Modesty, on the other hand, serves to open the gateway of love between persons by revealing who a woman is as a full person, an individual with dignity, not reducible to her sexual features. When a woman practices modesty, she simultaneously protects, preserves, and presents herself to the world as a person of dignity and self-respect; for through modesty, the beauty of her femininity is highlighted rather than objectified.  Modesty flows from “moderation,” where all the elements of the woman are shown cohesively and beautifully.

Ultimately, modesty is about more than clothes.  It is a disposition of the heart, and a consciousness on the part of the woman that she has an origin in a loving God, who has given her a great dignity and purpose. Each woman was designed to give herself fully as a gift, but if her vocation is marriage, this gift belongs only to one person (not the world.)  The woman’s awareness of her beautiful origin carries over into her actions and dress, naturally and effortlessly.  Her clothes are not a denial of her sexuality, or a suppression of her femininity.  Rather, they integrate her sexuality into her whole being as a person called to love, and open the way for true love to grow.   The practice of modesty encourages men to see a woman with respect, and allows authentic interpersonal relationships to occur, free of distractions, free from confusion, free to love.

So the next time you reach into your closet for an outfit, perhaps remember Captain John Campbell’s words ‘Don’t send mixed messages,’ and consider what message you want to send.

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