Relationships Relationships
It’s been requested by a frequent reader (I’m fairly certain that she checks the site daily from her RSS subscription!) for some
relationship advice, encouragement and/or help. Since we have several friends either newly married or soon-to-be married, I thought it was a good time to introduce some ideas about relationships. [Thanks for the suggestion!]
No matter what stage of your life you’re in (single, dating, engaged, married), it’s important for us to all strive to be better. Make today better than yesterday and make tomorrow better than today. Personally, I tend to be very selfish (something I work on daily) and I often let my wife down in this area… an area in my life that keeps me from fully obtaining TrueManhood. However, I know that it’s a weakness and I work on it. I try to put her needs first, to think outside the normal day-to-day “to do list” box to go out of my way to show her how much I love her. When I don’t do that, I fail in my role as her husband. When I fail as a husband, I fail to fulfill TrueManhood. If today I make some mistakes, I’ll work very very hard to not make those mistakes again tomorrow.
Our marriage is strong (one of the strongest I’ve ever come across) because we both strive to be better each and every day. We have our off days, sure. We also have incredibly strong days. What’s great about my wife and me (and I can brag because 1. it’s true and 2. it’s my website!) is that we both desire to continue to grow. We’re never okay where we are. Striving for excellence and perfection in the Lord is our daily goal. (In a spousal way, at work, with our kids, as siblings and in public. Everywhere.) No matter what stage of your life you’re in, strive to be better each and every day.
When we dated, the relationship worked well for us because we were both very grounded in the fact that we wanted to be married with children. We had both had numerous relationships that all went asunder and we weren’t investing in a long term relationship to “just have fun”. We were dating with a purpose. The purpose for us was marriage. If you’re in a dating relationship, I highly encourage you to date with a purpose. You’ve probably heard it before, but I can’t stress enough the importance of having that purpose in dating. It orients your entire being, your will, your mind toward the vocation that you’ve been called to by God. Protect yourself by being in a relationship only with a person you can foresee marrying. If you can’t see them being the parent of your children, and you can’t see yourself growing old with them, or they really really annoy you in a million different ways, then get out! Call it off. Dating isn’t about settling on the person you’ve been dating the longest, it’s about finding the right person for you. If you listen hard enough, God will reveal the person He created just for you. Once you find that person, you’ll know. It’s an incredible thing.
Recently, my wife spoke at a college women’s event. There was a “man panel” where the women could ask the men questions and get frank answers in return. Although the guys tried (sorry guys, you missed the boat here), Catherine told me that they just didn’t get it. When asked, “Tell us about your ideal date”, not a single man on the panel said anything about the girl. They never mentioned doing anything that she liked, or finding out her favorite restaurant, or trying to make the date special for the girl. I tell this little story to illustrate an important point in dating… do what the other wants to do! Be sacrificial. Bite the bullet. Put the other’s needs and wants before your own. Think outside yourself, it will bring great joy to both of your lives.
If you’re engaged, all I can say is, BUMP THE DATE UP AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!! Engagement was literally an earthly-purgatory for me. I hated it. The worst part of engagement is that you’ve made the commitment (minus the vows and Sacrament) and you want to be with this person all the time. The saying goodnight and driving home at 2:00am. The waiting. The wedding planning. Yuck. I am so glad I’ll never go through that again. If you’re in this stage, embrace it and go with the flow. It’ll be over at some point.
I have a theory (for all stages of relationships)… it’s about arguments/fights/disagreements. I am 100% convinced that in order for an argument, fight or disagreement to take place, one or both parties is acting or speaking out of selfishness. Don’t be selfish! Selfishness kills relationships. Don’t do it! (If you can think of an example where an actual argument, fight or disagreement has taken place where at least one of the people involved wasn’t selfish, I’d like to know about it. Email me at Dave@TrueManhood.com.)
As I’ve written about before, Catherine and I have a saying we use in our marriage. It’s like our motto. It’s simple, really. 
“Always Make the Choice to Love.” If you want to read more about this, check out an article I wrote for www.iibloom.com by clicking this link.
Man up!
Dave – how do you effectively date with a purpose (towards marriage discernment) without putting undue pressure/stress on the relationship? I’ve been in a spot before where the constant evaluation of the question of “Is she the one?” gets in the way of enjoying a simple ice cream cone, kind of like being scrupulous and dwelling on it too much. It is hard to describe the feeling, but at some points it can feel like you’re viewing the other person as a means to an end, rather an end in and of themselves, and as Kant would say “Act in such a way that you treat humanity, whether in your own person or in the person of any other, always at the same time as an end and never merely as a means to an end.” I know Kant wasn’t a church father but I think there’s a lot of value in that quote. In other words – sometimes I want to enjoy the company of my girlfriend as a fellow human being, enjoying either an ice cream cone or a game of poker, without stressing too much about the call to marriage.
Also – should there not be at least a certain respect/reason for the duration between engagement and marriage, in the sense of acknowledging the accepted commitment (of engagement) while also admitting the need to further understand the churches teachings on marriage (which perhaps wasn’t rigorously necessary while dating) such as NFP, the vocation/sacrament of marriage, etc? I imagine the wait can be very frustrating but I think it also has value.
Also, I mostly agree with you on arguments, but I do think you can still have disagreements on politics etc., and that’s ok and can make for fruitful discussion still. Also, hard to explain, but I think an argument can be okay now and then – if only in the sense that while no one directly wants to pursue argument/conflict, neither side wants to be a pushover either, always trying to avoid confrontation. It’s tricky though.
Dave,
For what it’s worth, I, as a Catholic young woman, would like to extend my heartfelt gratitude for the work that you are doing. I was at FOCUS National Conference, and after seeing your posts on this blog (this one in particular!) I am incredibly pleased that the men in my group got to hear you speak. Your message is one that needs to go VIRAL among men, and it is relieving that there are those (like you) who are willing to “man up” and teach others how to be true men.
God Bless you, and your ministry!