“Is it Okay to Sleep Together if Nothing Else Happens?”

The following is an “Ask an Expert” question that I answered on iibloom.com earlier in the week.  For the full thread, click HERE.

The Question: My boyfriend and I started sleeping in the same bed together. We are committed to not having sex outside of marriage, so we don’t do anything besides cuddling and kissing. He feels like this is a way for us to express our love for each other and spend more time together and says he has no desire to progress any farther than that. I like to snuggle and wake up to each other’s eyes and give each other massages and it hasn’t led to anything I feel is wrong. but I just feel like something isn’t right about it. I’m confused.

MY ANSWER: I urge you to follow the wisdom of your last statement, “I just feel like something isn’t right about it.” You’re right, there are things that aren’t right about sleeping in the same bed with someone prior to marriage and the commitment that comes along with the wedding vows. I recommend that you immediately refrain from sleeping in the same bed. There’s a lot going on here, so please allow me to take each piece one-by-one.

First, to you, the woman: I beg you to require a standard of perfection from your boyfriend. If he is doing something that you feel is “not quite right,” then demand something better from him. If you do end up marrying him, you should require perfection from him in all situations. Obviously, he is going to stumble, fall and fail (we all sin), but the requirement from you shouldn’t lessen. Women everywhere MUST require their men to set the standard of excellence in relationships. If your man isn’t fulfilling that standard, HE ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU! Set your standards high, and make the men step up!

Secondly, for the man: Brother, you need to lead the relationship. Rationalizing and trying to justify the situation, because it feels good, is NOT the manly thing to do. You need to be fully committed to her before you allow her to sleep in your bed, or before you sleep in hers. How would you feel if she slept in another man’s bed, “even though nothing bad was happening?” You wouldn’t. Make the hard decision, the loving decision, and wait until you have fully committed yourself and your life to your new bride in marriage. The Church doesn’t have us go through the vows because it’s fun, or simply a tradition. The vows unite the two souls as one. It’s an incredible thing! You, as the man, MUST LEAD. If you are imitating Christ, then you are worthy of a woman following you. If not, then you’re not ready for that responsibility yet. Keep working on it until you’re there, and then continue to grow.

Be aware that cuddling and kissing, even with the best intentions, can lead to sex. In the heat of the moment, with a person that you love, it’s quite easy to give into physical/sexual acts that you may have planned against when you were of sound mind. I recommend that you both regulate the physical acts so that you aren’t placing yourselves in a position to fail. I recommend that you seek guidance from a trusted, faithful couple on how to do this properly. The fruits of your hard work won’t be apparent until you’re well into your marriage.

It is wonderful that your boyfriend wants you both to express your love for one another in a way that isn’t sexual, however, sleeping in the same bed is a disordered way of doing so. The intimacy between two people who share a bed is intense, and shouldn’t be taken lightly. Sleeping together, even without anything “happening” is dangerous because of the intimacy involved. Again, I urge you to immediately refrain from sleeping in the same bed together. There are other proper ways of showing your love, sleeping in the same bed should be reserved for a married couple who’s love is at a different level than yours. I’m not saying that your love isn’t true, I’m saying that it can’t be at the level of a married couple’s because of the grace that comes from the Sacrament of Matrimony. The more perfect your dating/engaged time is, the more perfected your marriage will be.

Although intercourse may not be taking place (yet), sexual emotions are being involved when you are sleeping together, waking up with one another, giving massages, and so on. If the man isn’t ready to commit fully to you, you should not be allowing him into your sexual emotions. This is NOT guarding your heart, nor his. In the event that you do get married, refraining from “married stuff” while dating will only strengthen your marriage. I know that it’s hard to see now, but trust me, I just went through all this a few years ago…I know what I’m talking about.

Last thing, you mention that “it hasn’t led to anything that I feel is wrong.” I caution you to be the judge of what is morally acceptable and what is not. The Church and Her wisdom has already set a standard for us, and although we play a big role in forming our conscience to follow Her standards, it isn’t up to us to determine right from wrong. If you KNOW that what you are doing is wrong, then stop your actions. Stopping is the loving (charitable) thing to do, even though it will be hard and you’ll be tempted to give in.

I wish you the best of luck in your difficult decisions ahead. May you grow in faith, hope and love because of your difficulties.