Is a Bad Dad Better Than No Dad?

Recently, I had a discussion with a woman on the topic of fatherhood. During our conversation, she was adamant that a child having a bad father in the picture is better than no father.  I disagree with her, but understand at a basic level why she would believe this.  I also sympathize with her, aware that her situation was extremely difficult to bear.  Now that I’ve given it more thought, I think she may have been combining some thoughts together, associating a bad father with a father who is at least present.

If having a bad father in their life simply means that the child can feel a sense of acceptance and that someone desires them, then maybe I could agree with her.  However, being a child requires, and makes us yearn for, much more.  [Here’s a powerful clip from “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air” – the other videos in the playlist can’t be removed, sorry.]

Things to keep in mind: “bad” here is used not as an extreme word, but merely as a way to describe a man who is not living up to his role as father, even in the basic sense.  Call it judgmental (that would be a misuse of the word) or hateful, but at some point, we have to call a spade a spade.  A bad father isn’t present to his children, does not give them encouragement, nor inspiration, nor assistance, nor guidance, nor education.  A bad father lacks affection, affirmation, recognition, and compassion, and he shows no mercy.  Essentially, a bad father is the opposite of everything that God the Father is and that which a good father should strive for.

I wrote a post not too long ago, with a video, about my nephew (and his siblings.)  In the post, I discussed how his father was in the picture, but how his involvement is detrimental, and how these kinds of situations require other men to step in and be the father figures that children need.  Maybe there’s an element of timing in this discussion… for instance, the time in a child’s life may dictate whether or not a bad father’s presence is beneficial.  I’m sort of just writing my jumbled up thoughts right now because I really don’t know.  Maybe too, it depends on each kid.  Perhaps it is best that a bad father isn’t around in the teen years, but during the adolescent years?  (We should get this discussion going on the TrueManhood.com Facebook page.)

As I’ve written and said many times, our children learn from us, good or bad.  If we fail as fathers, our children will learn that fatherhood and/or masculinity is something other than what it actually is – believing that our failure is normal and acceptable.  I do not believe that we can substitute authentic masculinity when it comes to our children – they need to know it, be surrounded by it, and be taught it so that they are able to thrive in life.  TrueManhood is one of the most basic tenants of humanity, and literally as old as mankind.

So I pose a thought for you to consider… is it better for a child to have a bad father in their life or to have no father present at all?  I’m sure that we can all agree that children with great dads are always best off.  I’m certainly striving to be a great dad for my kids, won’t you strive to give that to your kids, too?

TrueMan up!

Abortion – The Problem is Men

Did you know that we have a holocaust taking place in our country?  It’s happening in every state, and it is legal.  4,000 human lives are being destroyed each day, and the courts support this innocent slaughter of human life, and we’re supposed to go along with it.  Tax dollars, government subsidy, lobbyists, pharmaceutical companies, healthcare; they’re all wrapped up into it.  It’s called Abortion.

It is unfathomable that we allow abortion, especially knowing all we know about it.  There are countless facts, statistics, and logical arguments why abortion is murder, but I’m not going to get into any of those.  I’m going to concentrate on the real problem.  The problem with abortion is men.

Why?  Plain and simple.  85% of all abortions taking place in America are performed on single women.  That means that out of the 4,000 babies that were murdered today, 3,400 of those women who had an abortion were not married, and as many of you know, they feel they have no way out.  When single women are out sleeping around, who are they sleeping with?  Males.  Who gets them pregnant?  Males.  (Yes, God plays a huge part in the creation of that life, too.)  The facts continually lead back to the actions of the men.

If a woman is married, in a safe environment and protected, she isn’t likely to get an abortion.  Facts are facts.  These women feel led, protected and provided for, thus they welcome a new child.  Women who aren’t, don’t.  Men – when are we (as a gender) going to stop being selfish and self-serving and start protecting and cherishing women?  If you’re not married to her, you have no right to her – don’t touch!  She’s not there for your pleasure.  Serve her!  Take care of her!  Love her!!!

I heard a story today of a 20-year-old single woman who recently found out she was pregnant.  The sperm donor (best way to describe him… he isn’t married to her, isn’t her boyfriend, wasn’t even really her friend, just a “meaningless” hookup) told her “I’ll pay for everything.  I’ll even give you a ride and drop you off.  It’ll be fine.”  Class act, right?  Is the problem the baby?  CERTAINLY NOT!  Is the problem the young woman?  Not really, although she plays into the equation.  The problem is the man.  I hate referring to this sort of male as a man, because he most definitely is not living like one.

Men – abortion is only available because we allow it to be… because, in some totally screwed up way, we necessitate it by our actions.  Don’t be fooled, abortion is not about women’s health, women’s bodies, or women’s choice.  That’s a huge load of garbage.  And listen, I’m not saying that women don’t have anything to do with it, certainly they do, but the responsibility is on us.  Abortion will cease when men stop sleeping around, stay faithful and monogamous, and stop allowing the abuse, assault and murder of innocent babies.  The time is now, brothers.

TrueMan up!

Men, and Virtue, and How to Attain It

I wrote an article for “Made in His Image” ministry on men and virtue.  Typical stuff for TrueManhood, but something that Maura’s readers might not get a lot of.  To help support her and what she’s doing, please click the link to take you to there.

“Men, and Virtue, and How to Attain It” – CLICK THIS LINK

What MIHI is all about is helping women who struggle with eating disorders and/or who were victimized by abuse.  There is currently no other Catholic organization specializing in inpatient medical care for the healing of women, and Maura is working on creating this much needed resource.  I greatly applaud Maura for her efforts.  The issue of eating disorders and abuse can go hand in hand.  For countless numbers of women, young women specifically, a lack of self-worth can spur into many psychological, physical, emotional and spiritual issues.

For men, the issue that is constantly looming over us is the issue of sexual integrity, mostly dealing with pornography.  Not every man struggles, but just about every man did, does, or will.  For women, one main issue (compared to men’s issues with pornography, lust, etc.) is self-esteem and eating disorders, most of the time stemming from abuse of some kind.  Not all women struggle with this, but many do and more will if nothing is done about it.

I plan to write an article soon on the problems that women face when they fail to find their value from the proper source.  Watch for that soon.  You’ll be seeing more about MIHI on TrueManhood.com in the future.

TrueMan up!

Archbishop Promotes Fight Against Porn

Great work, Archbishop Naumann!  This is my favorite quote, from a great Shepherd!  “We fail our people if we’re not courageous in preaching about chastity, as well as offering opportunities to help those seeking to live chastely.” – Archbishop Joseph Naumann.  Read below.

Kansas City archbishop promotes fight against porn

By T. Baklinski.  KANSAS CITY, January 28, 2011 (LifeSiteNews.com) – Archbishop Joseph Naumann of Kansas City has developed a website (http://www.loveisfaithful.com/) that promotes the archdiocese’s My House Initiative, a program devoted to protecting families and healing couples from pornography.

The website invites people to become aware of the teachings of the Catholic Church about love and sexual intimacy through John Paul II’s Theology of the Body.

The site contains information including internet accountability software,  testimonies, Theology of the Body small groups contact info, counseling resources, support groups, men’s and women’s ministries, and other resources to help families and couples.

“When I was a child, there were social barriers that protected the young from pornography,” Archbishop Naumann told the Catholic World Report (CWR). “But in this age of personal computers and cable television, we have an entirely different environment.”

“People say that pornography is a victimless sin. But that’s not true,” continued Archbishop Naumann. “Many are exploited in the porn industry and we know it causes devastation in marriages.”

The website refers readers to an article by former porn actress April Garris, who, speaking from personal experience in the porn industry, now works to unmask “the deception of pornography, exposing the lie, and bringing all of these myths crashing to the ground.”

Titled “10 Myths Exposed,” Garris’ article brings to light the horrific realities of the pornography industry.

“If you have held to one or more of these myths,” Garris writes, “then you have been sucked into the deception of porn. I hope that laying out these myths has opened your eyes to the reality of porn … a reality that is dark, disgusting, and destructive.”

A video presentation of the My House Initiative has been shown in nearly all of the 110 churches in northeast Kansas, according to the diocesan office. The video and the My House Manual were sent to every U.S. diocese in 2007. This resulted in six dioceses adopting the program, with 36 others expressing interest.

The website calls attention to other aspects of Archbishop Naumann’s fight against porn, including a billboard on the 18th Street Expressway near Kansas Ave, sponsored by donations and viewed over 18,000 times per day; a prayer service to be held near a porn store (Cirilla’s, located at 7528 State Ave.) on February 3, 2011, 4:00 – 5:00 pm; a downloadable handout called 7 Steps to Protect your Family from Pornography; and many other resources.

“We pray that the information on this site will continue to spread to other families, churches, and individuals,” the My House Initiative website states. “We also pray that the thousands of people who are waiting to be rescued from the pornography industry will find hope and healing.”

Archbishop Naumann told CWR that he believes priests have an obligation to promote the virtue of chastity, particularly among the young, while being sensitive to the ages and individual circumstances of their congregations.

“We fail our people if we’re not courageous in preaching about chastity, as well as offering opportunities to help those seeking to live chastely,” Archbishop Naumann said. “When we live chaste lives, we are witnesses of our faith in the world. Chastity also frees us from those things that can enslave us and leave us feeling isolated and sad.”

A Strong Link

As I stated in yesterday’s post, “Why Fight Porn”, I’m going to draw the correlation between pornography and many other social justice issues today.  I stated: “Tomorrow, I will dive into the reality of the effects of pornography, as well as the link pornography has to Life issues and social justice issues (such as divorce, rape, incest, abuse of women, domestic violence, etc.) and will attempt to create for you a strong correlation between these links.  The link between pornography (sexual hedonism and sexual utilitarianism) and many other serious issues is strong!”

Here goes:

People often believe that the sexual revolution of the 60’s is responsible for the state of where our culture is in regards to sexuality.  Although it played (and continues to play) a significant role, it had to start somewhere, right?  Let’s take a look at it.  In the 1930’s, a scientist by the name of Alfred Kinsey performed some “experiments” based on some absolutely atrocious and despicable sexual “experiments”, as he called them.  [I have written a small amount about Kinsey before, and may write more in the future.]  The important piece here is the scope of influence that Kinsey, and his works, had on individuals.  Many people, even Catholics, were influenced by his writings, coming to believe that sex was created for nothing more than the primal urge.  Kinsey believed that we all were born with a natural inclination to sex and that to suppress our natural inclinations and primal desires was to suppress nature and therefore not act in accordance with nature and science.  Why is this important?  Simply, Hugh Hefner.

While a student in college, Hugh Hefner, the infamous creator of the pornography industry, read Kinsey’s famous book, “Sexual Behavior in the Human Male”, printed in 1948.  This book led Hefner to write his thesis on the topic and later, he realized the influence of Kinsey on his decision, in 1953, to create Playboy.  Playboy was the start of the acceptance of soft-core pornography in our culture.  Up to this point in history, sexual hedonism and pornography was a black market type industry.  It was a very, very small industry (to use the word lightly) and a person had to work hard to search it out.  A socially respectable woman would never use pornography.  No socially respectable man would use pornography.  It was disgraceful.  With Playboy, and subsequent “publications” however, pornography became more mainstream and more acceptable.  Since the advent of Playboy, the rise of pornographic materials has spread like wild fire.  As we all know, with the invention of the internet, pornography has spread even more, and into almost every home in the US.  (This doesn’t even take into consideration the magazines/print porn, radio porn, tv porn, cell phone porn, hand-held gaming unit porn and so on.)

From the time of Kinsey, there is a spike in the following categories: divorce, rape, incest, child abuse, drug use, suicide (teen suicide, specifically), domestic violence, physical abuse, child abduction, use in and production of contraceptives, and most notably abortion.  Now, how can this be?  Follow me, I hope it makes perfect sense to you so that you can begin to fight for the truth.

With the “new” mindset, in the 50’s, that sex is utilitarian (merely for use) and hedonistic (pleasure for self), society began to let their guard down morally.  What was once morally reprehensible was now becoming accepted in certain circles, communities and cities.  As people began to explore sexually, marriages and families specifically began to suffer dramatically.  Now, because people are more “open” when it comes to sex, they allow more.  They experiment with more.  They accept more.  (The use of drugs becomes more prevalent during this time, too.)  So a man wouldn’t necessarily have to care about a relationship or responsibility with a woman, he could merely get his sexual pleasure taken care of and move on.  With this lack of responsibility sexually came the desire for contraception.  “If I’m going to sleep with anyone I want, I shouldn’t have to worry about the consequences of a pregnancy.  After all, I’m not in this for a child, or for love, or for life, I’m merely in it for sexual pleasure.”

So, as the desire for contraceptions increased, so too did the desire for abortions.  “Why should I have to keep this baby?  I wasn’t having sex to get pregnant, only for the pleasure.”  Now, as people are more open sexually, less responsible sexually, open to pornography use in the home and in their bedrooms, more willing to kill their unwanted children, and so forth, the family unit suffers big time.  Married couples then lost the responsibility towards one another and divorce increased.

Because of the use of pornography, which experts will tell you, becomes more and more perverted over time, men and women desire different things sexually.  When a man gets turned down by a woman, why shouldn’t he resort to beating her, raping her or other?  Why shouldn’t he go after “easy prey” and abuse children?  Why shouldn’t a number of other things just “naturally” (as Kinsey suggested) just happen and be “normal”?  Obviously, as you read this, if you’re a reasonable and logical human being, you can see the problems here.  It started with sexual disintegration and continues today with more problems than ever.

In review:

• sex was reduced to a primal urge
• pornography came on the scene
• morally reprehensible sexual activity and behavior became accepted
• sex became a recreation
• lack of sexual responsibility entered in
• because people didn’t want responsibility, contraceptives became mainstream
• contraceptives don’t work 100% so abortion was legalized and increased dramatically
• couples are struggling for purpose and divorce increased
• anger becomes mainstream and leads to abuse of all kinds
• people struggle in life when they don’t know their purpose, so they commit suicide
• on and on and on

As you can probably imagine, I could continue on with this list for a long time.  This doesn’t even begin to speak to the emotional or psychological effects on people, nor their relationship with God, nor the effect this entire topic has on the Church.  It’s really despicable what came about from the advent of pornography.  It’s not to say that these things may not have come about without pornography, but we’ll never know that.  Bottom line – we must eradicate pornography!

TrueMan up!

Why Fight Porn?

So what’s the big deal with porn, anyway?  Why do we put so much emphasis on how evil and dangerous porn is?  Why fight porn?

Ask any Catholic priest and he’ll tell you that the majority (majority NOT used lightly here) of male confessions heard in the confessional are oriented towards impurity, lust, sexual misbehavior/acting out and pornography abuse.  This is also not to say that many of the female confessions heard in the confessional don’t also cover these topics.  Many priests I have asked about this topic have told me that upward of 85-90% of the confessions they hear from men are linked to pornography abuse.  This is astonishing and could be, if viewed incorrectly, disheartening.  The devil is attempting to kill our souls, our culture and our Church from the inside out through the use of pornography.  Many believe that it is not a public problem, that if “I” use porn in the quiet of my own home, that it doesn’t effect anyone else.  This is FALSE.

Tomorrow, I will dive into the reality of the effects of pornography, as well as the link pornography has to Life issues and social justice issues (such as divorce, rape, incest, abuse of women, domestic violence, etc.) and will attempt to create for you a strong correlation between these links.  The link between pornography (sexual hedonism and sexual utilitarianism) and many other serious issues is strong!

Before we go, I urge all men to educate themselves on the truth!  Don’t take my word for things, don’t take any one single person’s word for anything.  Do your research and go into it unbiased and open to the truth, for the truth shall set you free!  (This comes from a guy who doubted a ton, thought he could make his own truth and eventually got hit upside the proverbial head with the proverbial 2×4.  Take it from me… do your research!)

TrueMan up!

Cultural Manliness Takes Its Toll

I made a point tonight to watch the Jesse James interview on ABC’s Nightline.  Jesse was going to be speaking about his marriage-gone-bad and his acts of infidelity and I thought it would be some decent fodder for the site.  Jesse has been in the spotlight, limelight and tab-light ever since the news of his infidelity hit the wires.  Jesse is married to “America’s Sweetheart”, Sandra Bullock.  The divorce papers have been filed.

During the interview, Jesse appeared embarrassed, ashamed and scared.  He seemed to mix his ‘bad boy’ persona with, what I believe to be his real persona, honesty.  I don’t believe that this interview will ‘reinstate’ him, but I believe that there are a few points worth mentioning.

1. Jesse appeared honest.  He didn’t attempt to sugarcoat what he had done, he took responsibility and ownership of his horrible choices and knows that he has to deal with those consequences.
2. Jesse appeared to understand the pain and tragedy that he has caused both Sandra and, more devastating than that, his children.  I believe that he showed that his children are important to him and that he knows he messed up royally.  At the time of his acts of indiscretion, he was unconcerned with the effects of his actions.  Now, however, it appears that he realizes just how much his actions effect those around him.  I don’t think the choked-up tears were a show.
3. Jesse is missing something huge in his life.  [I hate to make this assumption, but it was pretty clear to me, after watching the interview that…]  Jesse is missing God in his life.  There’s a huge gap, a gap that can only be filled by the Father’s love.  If Jesse has a relationship with God, it wasn’t apparent in any of his actions or words.
4. Jesse is a walking testament that Cultural Manliness takes its toll on a man.  Going after power, money, sex and stuff will only leave you empty.  The allure of Cultural Manliness is that it appears so enjoyable, so laid-back, so tempting.  Jesse spoke about how perfect his life was, yet he gave into the temptation of what the world tells us is manly.  It left him wanting more.  Jesse admitted that he had many extra-marital affairs, and that “it could have been a million women.”  His point was that even one act of infidelity was too much.  He, obviously, is correct in his thinking.  By giving into the temptations of Cultural Manliness, Jesse found himself nearly at the end of his rope.
5. Jesse spoke about being physically and emotionally abused as a child.  Although I sympathize with abused persons, it does not justify poor, or even abusive, behavior.  Jesse cannot hide behind his past experiences of abuse.  He must continue to own his actions and encourage other victims of abuse to do the same.

In closing, I partially feel bad for Jesse James and I also am disgusted by him.  Cultural Manliness left the guy empty and alone.  He made some mistakes and although it’s unlikely, he could change.  He could come to know Christ and become a faithful Catholic.  On the other hand, he knew what was right and wrong the entire time and decide to throw it all away for some sex.  He had (and still has) a great deal of influence on our world and I believe he took that for granted.

TrueMan up!