Hand-helds in Little Hands?

“Keep hand-held devices out of small children’s hands.”  It seems like a common-sense approach to me, but I am constantly see small children (younger and younger every day) with hand-held devices.  I even see it in Mass, which boggles my mind.  The damage being done is mostly under the surface, so maybe we aren’t really aware of just what’s happening.  I recently read an article from a pediatric occupational therapist and thought I’d summarize what she wrote.

*DADS:  Before you read any further, and this post becomes hard to read b/c it hits too close to home, keep in mind that we didn’t have these devices.  We played outside.  We skinned our knees.  We got dirty.  We lived an adventure.  Get your kids away from the screens, and send them outside!  This is an opportunity to step in and make some life-changing decisions for your children.

1. Rapid Brain Growth: she said that “early brain development is determined upon environmental stimuli, or lack thereof.”  Think about it… nowadays we have all sorts of issues that never seemed to exist “back then”.  ADD, ADHD, hyper-activity, impulse, etc.  A cure?  GO OUTSIDE.
2. Delayed Development: imagine a few inches of a screen vs. an entire outside playground with toys, bikes, balls, and the like.  Physical, mental, emotional, relational, development is hindered behind a screen.
3. Epidemic Obesity: nothing to add.
4. Sleep Deprivation: when we’re constantly plugged in, it’s hard to shut it off.  Kids need sleep (in pretty sizeable quantities) to develop properly, especially at young ages.
5. Mental Illness: apparently the increase in child technology overuse is shown to be related to a drastic increase in depression, anxiety, ADD, etc.  (I don’t know if I’m sold on this one, but it wouldn’t surprise me.)
6. Aggression: content leads to action.  What our kids consume they will become.  (You are what you eat.)
7. Digital Dimentia: kids who can’t pay attention can’t learn.  (Again, I’m not sure about this one, specifically, but I’m sure it correlates.)
8. Addictions: I have no doubt in my mind that this one is 100% fully absolutely without a doubt true.  Let’s see… addiction to junk on the screen or addicted to the outdoors?  GO OUTSIDE!
9. Radiation emissions: I’m convinced that there’s a conspiracy going on where cancer from radiation is in and comes from everything.
10. Unsustainable: these methods, of overuse of technology starting at a crazy-young-age, by which our children function, grow, learn, and develope aren’t sustainable.

Let’s link this to virtue, because everything should.  To be virtuous, and to instill this in our children, we must possess TEMPERANCE.  Temperance moderates our attraction to pleasure.  We should find ourselves somewhere in a moderate level of use.

Look… I’m NOT a technology hater.  I’m not trying to point fingers… that’s not what we do here.  I have multiple laptops, a tablet, a smart phone, a flat screen, Roku TV, and obviously have a presence online.  However, when it comes to my kids, they don’t spend time on my hand-held devices.  They do, however, spend some time on learning sites (we like ABCMouse.com when they’re young), and do math-fact-games, etc. on an old laptop.  They watch the occasional movie (our family favorites are “The Sound of Music” and “Mary Poppins”.)  But, and this is the point here… it’s regulated.  They spend exponentially more time outside, in the fresh air, without their eyes buggin’ out staring at a screen.  They also spend a ton of time reading books.  Every. Single. Day.  My kids are young, but hold conversations with adults, are polite, have imaginations, and are well-spoken.  It makes a difference.

OK – now it’s time to think about our own use.  OUCH!  Am I right or am I right?  Adults won’t be as effected in terms of the developmental pieces, but our noses in screens has a negative impact on us, too.  Same principle applies… GO OUTSIDE!

TrueMan up!

Daddy’s Rule – No Boys! It’s Not What You Think

From the time that I learned I was having a daughter (she’s almost 7 now), I began to formulate a rule for her.  I now have 3 daughters, and the rule is the same for all of them.  The rule… very simple: no boys.

As soon as this simple rule came to be, it was often laughed off by those who heard of it.  They assumed it to be some silly new-dad sort of over-compensation for fear of raising a daughter in this crazy world.  It was assumed to be sarcasm, and folly.  Many who thought they knew me associated my burly, rough, sometimes crass and overtly confident exterior with this rule as if I simply wanted to lock my daughter(s) up in the basement, never to see the light of day.

This couldn’t be further from the truth.

Men – if you’re a dad, you should know that there’s nothing more important for a father than getting his children to heaven.  A major stumbling block for many of our children will be their life-choices, especially associated with choices about their relationships (friendships, intimate, romantic, marriage, etc.)  This particular area is not one where we can sit on the sidelines and hope that our children naturally make good choices.  We must be totally invested in them, from the word ‘go’, and know all the details as they grow.

How then do I justify this rule of “no boys”?  It’s very simple.  The opposite of manliness is childishness.  Manliness equals virtue.  So, when a man (read as “virtuous man”) comes into OUR lives… at a MUCH later date… and proves himself worthy of my daughter’s attention, involvement, affection, and potentially her ‘yes’ to marriage, it will be time for her to embrace her vocation to marriage (should it be so.)  I’m not, in the least, afraid of her vocation, because it comes from God and will be a major contributor towards her sanctification.  [FYI – I’ll discuss the topic of “courting” (versus dating) in a coming post.]

The “10 Rules to Date My Daughter” lists, and “Applications to Date My Daughter”, etc. etc. etc. aren’t where we should be.  We also shouldn’t be on the “Her Body, Her Rules – feminist father” side either.  (See a good post by Tom Hoopes in response to a recent pic floating around the interwebs.)  These fail to honor our daughters and their abilities, which speaks poorly of us as fathers.  We should be on the side of total investment in teaching our daughters that they are loved, that they are princesses (more on this below), and that they are worth the very best.

“That they are princesses” is important to explain.  Disney has hijacked the princess for the past 20+ years, and it appears that they will continue to hijack it for many more to come.  Our daughters don’t understand what “princess” truly means, they merely see bad examples of rebellious, poor-decision-making, spoiled little girls in those movies, instead of what a princess really is… the daughter of the King.  Jesus is King, and because He’s God, and we are His (God’s) children, thus we are welcomed into His royal family, and therefore, we’re all princes and princesses.  Princesses deserve the very best, by sheer nature of their birth, and that’s what we must instill in our daughters.  If our daughters know their worth, and how to make good decisions, we won’t have to worry about their choice in a spouse because it will be right.

I could go on and on with this topic, but I won’t.  Just make sure that if you’re a dad, that you spend time investing in your daughters each and every day.  And remember, “No Boys!”

TrueMan up!

Various Kinds of Dads

I was just washing the dishes (yes, I do dishes) and was thinking about my parenting style, what kind of Dad I am, and it brought to mind a bunch of different kinds of fathering-traits.

Some thoughts on the kinds of dads that I’ve either exemplified, or other kinds of dads I’ve come across.

• SPORTS-CRAZY DAD – The dad that just can’t be easy going at the games, and when
  games aren’t going on, they’re living vicariously through their kid as if it was the pros.
• The “I DON’T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO MY KIDS SO I DON’T TALK TO THEM AT ALL DAD” – Dads who are either not educated enough on various topics, or who lack communication skills, or who just won’t take the time to learn about their kids so they fail to talk to them at all, about anything.
• The “I DON’T UNDERSTAND GIRL-STUFF SO MY DAUGHTERS AND I ARE COMPLETELY DISCONNECTED DAD” –  Similar to the above, but specific to daughters and “female issues” – of all kinds.  And there’s lots.
• SCREAMER-DAD – Everything gets this dad going, in a bad direction, and he just screams about it.  Less than effective, if you ask me.  Think: “Don’t make me stop this vehicle!”  or “Do it, or else.”
• INTIMIDATION-DAD (“IntimiDad”) – IntimiDad uses his size, stature, and position of authority to try to force his children to do things.  I typically see this with toddlers.  It doesn’t work.  Again, think: “Do it, or else.”
• OVER-COMMITTED DAD (works too much or is involved in too much) – I’ve written many times before about what kids really want and need from us.  They want us, our time, and that’s how they see and experience our love.  “Kids spell love T-I-M-E.
• TEACHER-DAD – This dad is patient and discusses various things with his children so that they learn from him.  Even when he doesn’t think his kids are listening, he teaches, simply to plant a seed and begin the discussion.  I think I’m this kind of dad most of the time.
• SWEET-DAD – This dad is emotionally sensitive, and takes the opportunity, especially with his daughters, to be sweet.  This isn’t overly sentimental, this is the right amount of sentimentality because let’s face it, sometimes our kids just need it.  Our daughters need sensitivity, and at the right time in the right amount, so do our sons.
• GIFT-GIVING DAD – Don’t buy your kids love, ok sir?  Don’t make it “okay” that you’re not in their lives simply because you buy them stuff.  Now, if your gifts are thoughtful, and you bought it for them because you know them and know they’d really like the thing, and really appreciate it, and that they’ll know you know them, then good on ya.
• APATHETIC-DAD – I see this all too often, unfortunately.  This attitude can extend directly to the children because he just doesn’t care about them (either because he’s too ego-centric, self-centered, or just that insensitive) or because he’s flat out lazy.  “Mom’s got it.”  “Mom’ll talk to ‘em.”  “Honey, you’ve got this one, right?”  Stop it.
• PROUD-OF-MY-KID-NO-MATTER-WHAT-DAD – Thank you for not putting up pretentious walls, facades, or displays surrounding your kid.  They’re your kid and you love them and are proud of them no matter what their accomplishments, likeability, or style.

I’m certain that I could write and write and write on this topic.  There are so many kinds of fathers out there, and so many traits (good and bad) that could be discussed.  Many of them we have discussed in the past and will continue to discuss in the future.

Remember an important concept to TrueManhood… our children learn what is right and wrong by watching us.  If we want our boys to grow into TrueManhood, and our daughters to meet and marry a TrueMan, then we must show them what that is.  “Jesus answered and said to them, “Amen, amen, I say to you, a son cannot do anything on his own, but only what he sees his father doing; for what he does, his son will do also.  For the Father loves his Son and shows him everything that he himself does, and he will show him greater works than these, so that you may be amazed.” John 5:19-20.  A major component here is how we treat our wife.  Being a great-TrueMan-dad, means being a great husband first.

Thanks to my dad, Tony, for being an absolutely awesome dad!  I have many fond memories of my childhood, and am so blessed to have him help me to raise my kids now, but there’s a concept that I always return to when I think about my relationship with my dad, and it’s this: he always SHOWED me how to be a man.  He lived it.  He didn’t have to say a lot, he lived it.  I saw, first and foremost, that he loved/s my mother.  That is who he is, as a man; he’s a husband, and all else stems from that.

TrueMan up!

Google Might be Out, but Porn is Still In

In a story that started buzzing yesterday, Porn Harms reported that Google has agreed to stop advertising sexually explicit material.  Here’s a story from Breitbart.com.  I’m glad to hear this news, but I realize that it’s merely a small (tiny, miniscule, maybe even irrelevant?) step in the fight against internet pornography.  On a positive note, they have removed all of their pornography apps from the Google Play store, a very positive step forward!

It wouldn’t really matter if Google dropped, blocked, and deleted it from their services; porn is available.  It’s so available that it pops up when we don’t want it to, when we don’t expect it to, and in completely harmless situations, like when our children utilize the internet.  If you’re a man, there are countless things you can (and should) be doing to help prevent yourself from falling into the trap of internet pornography.  However, when children are involved, we can’t sit by acting as if nothing is happening, because it is.  The likelihood that your child, anywhere over the age of 3, has seen pornography in some form is astonishing.  Ignorance to this fact is never the answer.

The reality is that parents must teach their children the truths about porn, the human body, anatomy, and sexuality.  The only way to win back purity in our insane culture is to teach the truth and to teach it openly to everyone, including our children.  Age-appropriate education is vital.  There are various ways to talk to your children, starting at a very young age, about their bodies, about appropriate behavior and touch, about sexuality.  As children grow, that age-appropriate information changes, develops, and increases.  It is a misnomer to call any form of sex-ed “the talk”, as if it happens once.  Insteadof “the talk”, it should be “the on going series of education, information, encouragement, explanation, and truth about our bodies, sexuality, and reproductive organs”.  That series should include the appropriate information, and shouldn’t leave out the consequences of poor choices and poorly formed consciences.

Notice that I’m not saying that we should ban sex and never talk about it.  That obviously hasn’t worked.  The puritanical approach towards sexuality can’t last and causes rebellion.  Sexuality is too important, too special, and too powerful to suppress.  Notice, too, that I’m certainly not suggesting that we let our kids go hog-wild sexually, as if there’s no consequence to their choices.  Instead, just as the Church teaches in Her infinite wisdom, we should embrace human sexuality, with full-knowledge of the purpose and plan, and interact within that intended purpose.  Freedom exists there.

I’ve come across many parents as I’ve taught on this topic, and as I’ve presented at parishes across the country.  My presentation “Helping Parents Protect Their Children from the Internet and Technology” has shown me that many more parents need to know the truth, be equipped with resources and information, and be instructed on how to talk to their kids.  It’s never too late, but that doesn’t mean you should continue to wait.  Parents – have the conversations with your kids, and do it today.  Oh, and Dads… this isn’t Mom’s job.  It’s your job.  Do it.

TrueMan up!

Is a Bad Dad Better Than No Dad?

Recently, I had a discussion with a woman on the topic of fatherhood. During our conversation, she was adamant that a child having a bad father in the picture is better than no father.  I disagree with her, but understand at a basic level why she would believe this.  I also sympathize with her, aware that her situation was extremely difficult to bear.  Now that I’ve given it more thought, I think she may have been combining some thoughts together, associating a bad father with a father who is at least present.

If having a bad father in their life simply means that the child can feel a sense of acceptance and that someone desires them, then maybe I could agree with her.  However, being a child requires, and makes us yearn for, much more.  [Here’s a powerful clip from “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air” – the other videos in the playlist can’t be removed, sorry.]

Things to keep in mind: “bad” here is used not as an extreme word, but merely as a way to describe a man who is not living up to his role as father, even in the basic sense.  Call it judgmental (that would be a misuse of the word) or hateful, but at some point, we have to call a spade a spade.  A bad father isn’t present to his children, does not give them encouragement, nor inspiration, nor assistance, nor guidance, nor education.  A bad father lacks affection, affirmation, recognition, and compassion, and he shows no mercy.  Essentially, a bad father is the opposite of everything that God the Father is and that which a good father should strive for.

I wrote a post not too long ago, with a video, about my nephew (and his siblings.)  In the post, I discussed how his father was in the picture, but how his involvement is detrimental, and how these kinds of situations require other men to step in and be the father figures that children need.  Maybe there’s an element of timing in this discussion… for instance, the time in a child’s life may dictate whether or not a bad father’s presence is beneficial.  I’m sort of just writing my jumbled up thoughts right now because I really don’t know.  Maybe too, it depends on each kid.  Perhaps it is best that a bad father isn’t around in the teen years, but during the adolescent years?  (We should get this discussion going on the TrueManhood.com Facebook page.)

As I’ve written and said many times, our children learn from us, good or bad.  If we fail as fathers, our children will learn that fatherhood and/or masculinity is something other than what it actually is – believing that our failure is normal and acceptable.  I do not believe that we can substitute authentic masculinity when it comes to our children – they need to know it, be surrounded by it, and be taught it so that they are able to thrive in life.  TrueManhood is one of the most basic tenants of humanity, and literally as old as mankind.

So I pose a thought for you to consider… is it better for a child to have a bad father in their life or to have no father present at all?  I’m sure that we can all agree that children with great dads are always best off.  I’m certainly striving to be a great dad for my kids, won’t you strive to give that to your kids, too?

TrueMan up!

Some of My Favorite Daddy Moments

A lot of what I write about is fairly heavy, and usually very serious.  I think that it’s important in all of the seriousness to take a step back from time to time and keep things in perspective.  When I allow myself to do this, it almost undoubtedly directs my thoughts to what’s really important in my life; my children.

Lately, I’ve been concentrating on being less of a nagging parent, being more positive in my speech to my children, and picking my battles.  Recently, I took my three oldest children to the local lake to go fishing.  It was the heat of the afternoon and we didn’t have the right bait.  We were fishing from the bank, and in an area with little to no habitat where fish like to live, move, and eat.  The odds were against us.  We fished (ie: practiced their casting and reeling skills – they got pretty good!) for over an hour, then the kids took their shoes off, waded into the water, and attempted to skip rocks.  It was a blast.  I enjoyed just being there with them, with no agenda, no plans, no rules, just fun.

Now that the weather is warmer, we’ve been doing a lot of this lately.  Playing outside with bikes and scooters, spending lots of time at local parks, and so on.  What I love about this time with them is that we’re making memories.  My kids will either remember how much I worked or how much time I played with them.  I want the work to be there, obviously it has to be, but I also NEED the play time to be there as well.  We’ve also been spending more time in prayer together, which has been awesome.  I instituted a new rule… whenever we see our friend (a true prayer warrior) over at the church, which we live across from, we’re going in too.  She’s there every. single. day. and so are we now.

As summer break gets ramped up, we have plans for more baseball, swimming, bike riding, camping (I’m most excited about camping!), and even some late spring-season turkey hunting.  I hope to update everyone on those as we go.

So dads… and men who desire to be a dad someday… don’t remove the seriousness of life and don’t abdicate your responsibilities, but make time for the fun things with your kids.  I constantly hear parents of older children (ie: grandparents) talking about “how fast time flies” and “how fast they grow up.”  I don’t want to wake up one day and have missed out.  This is my only chance.

PS: speaking of being a fun dad… check out the comedian @jimgaffigan, he’s hilarious and often talks about his kids.  A father of 5, he knows how to keep it light and fun.

TrueMan up!

Vikings – Filled with Faith, and Masculinity

Early on when I heard about the show “Vikings” on the History Channel, I was very intrigued.  When I watched the first episode on our Roku, it unfortunately lost me fairly quickly.  My first impressions were that the acting was subpar, and the accents were pretty distracting.  At the prompting of my good friend Jared Zimmerer, I gave it another chance and watched episode two.  Something about it began to reel me in and I have subsequently watched all of the episodes to date.

I’m intrigued by the story for many reasons.  I’ve finally decided to blog about it now especially because of the most recent episode called “Boneless”.  Vikings is the story of Earl Ragnar Lothbrok (a legendary Norse ruler), his conquests, his family, and the general life and happenings of the “Northmen.”  I enjoy watching the fight scenes, which are pretty decent.  I also enjoy the drama between the various leaders, the imagery between good & bad, right & wrong, the marriages and relationships, but there are two very impressive themes that keep me coming back.

The first is how much the show’s writers and the actors have incorporated faith into the show.  The Vikings are referred to as pagans, but that’s not what comes across the screen.  The Vikings come across, to me, as being very faithful.  They are polytheistic, but they are constantly thinking about, speaking about, and invoking their gods.  This is not something often celebrated in our culture.  Faith, especially of warriors, is often seen as unnecessary and as a weakness.  Clearly, these Viking warriors invoke their gods, and find need to be in prayer, sacrifice, and worship of their gods.  It’s hard at times to watch because they believe that their gods call for murderous, ravenous, barbaric behavior, and a crude form of justice, so naturally it doesn’t lineup with Christianity.  One flaw, typical of Hollywood… the element that shows Christians in a horrible light – as weak, superstitious dummies, incapable of personal thought and masculine leadership.  Besides that, though, I’m impressed.

I find it very interesting that faith is found as such an important and normal part of their lives.  That’s what I want to highlight… their faith that is all-encompassing.  They think about their gods constantly.  It is engrained in the show by being engrained into the lives of the characters.  The characters are constantly talking about their gods, and the imagery shows that.

The second point, and maybe even more important, is how pro-life the show is.  It seems a contrast to a barbaric, ravenous people, but in this last episode, the wife of Earl Ragnar gives birth to a child that has a limb that apparently doesn’t function fully.  They don’t really show it exactly, but they refer to him as a ‘runt’.  At one point, Ragnar discusses with his wife about the child never having a full life, and asking the question “what could his life possibly amount to?”  The wife says, “Yes, you are correct, but I love him.”  She gives the child a chance.

There’s a scene where, during the night, Ragnar goes into where the baby is sleeping, and he takes him, walking out near the river.  As a viewer, I was spellbound, questioning what Ragnar was going to do.  He takes out his hatchet, and it looks like he’s going to kill his son, saying “there is no other way.”  The scene cuts away to Ragnar walking away from his son, leaving the viewer wondering.  This is a symbol, to me, of parents who feel like they have no other option when it comes to abortion.  There is seemingly nothing else they can.  It turns out that Ragnar didn’t kill his child, but rather, he chose life!  Even though it was incredibly difficult for him to do, he chose life!

I think it’s interesting, in our culture, that is so pro-death, so ready to discard the humans that appear to be less-than, that this show would embrace faith and would embrace concepts of masculinity (albeit flawed, tremendously), but it embraces life.  The concepts of masculinity are interwoven throughout, especially the topics of being a husband, a father, a friend, a brother, a worker/provider, a warrior, and a follower of God.   I will continue to watch.

Note: There are some potentially scandalous parts of this show, specific to sexuality.  You may choose not to watch because of that.

TrueMan up!

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