Learn It, Then Earn It (For Dads)

Dear Fellow Fathers,

There’s a difference between maleness and manliness.  A person is a male by virtue of his sex (gender), his DNA.  A male is not a man simply because of his age, his profession, his marital status, whether or not he’s a virgin, what he owns, or any other arbitrary factor.  A male becomes a man when his life is manly.  What is manliness?  Virtue.  This is one of the 3 main tenants of TrueManhood.com – nothing new for the readership.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church, in paragraph 1803, states that virtue is “the habitual and firm disposition to do the good.”  The CCC clarifies that virtue is an action… doing… a verb.  So when does a male become a man?  When he does good.  You’re a male reading this… are you a man or are you simply a male?

Thankfully, with the definition that the Church gives us, we don’t have to wonder whether or not a male is a man, which means that we don’t have to wonder whether or not our sons (or the males interested in our daughters) are men.  It’s the benchmark by which we “grade” them.  When we know that, we can move forward to help these males continue to live in a manly way.  This brings me to my point…

Manliness isn’t given, manliness is earned.  Before something can really be earned, someone must know what they are earning, thus males must first learn what manliness is before they can earn it.  As fathers, it is our responsibility to not only live out manliness (ie: virtue) but to teach it.  The world gives various versions of counterfeit manliness for our boys to shoot for (search “Cultural Manliness” on this site for more on the world’s main version) and if we don’t teach them what authentic masculinity is, their only option is the world’s option.

The world’s option isn’t an option for me.  It’s not an option for my son, Dave Jr.  It’s not an option for my daughters Lily, Emma, and Maria.  The world’s option is a lie.

Let’s work together as Catholic fathers to teach our children (male and female) what masculinity is.  If you ever wonder, just refer back to the Catechism, to TrueManhood.com, or to the “Guide to Virtue” found on my site.  More to follow on dads teaching their sons what TrueManhood is all about.

TrueMan up!

‘Sexy’ Pressure for Girls at Halloween – an Article Primarily for Dads

The concept of ‘sexy pressure’ for girls at Halloween had never crossed my mind before my wife sent me a NY Times “parent blog” article – here it is – but now it’s resonating with me.  Makes me think about 10 years from now… what’s life going to be like for our little ones?  (Please read the article so that you understand what I’m talking about.  And not, I certainly don’t prescribe to what the author of the article is saying, but simply bringing it up as a point of discussion.)  I’m a father of 3 daughters, and although they are young, I’m aware of the pending pressure that’s coming – but apparently not aware enough.

In the article, you can sense that the pressure on girls comes mostly from other girls.  They didn’t talk about whether or not the guys thought they were ‘too sexy’, but the pressure stemmed almost exclusively from what the other girls perceived.  (I assert, too, that the pressure they feel isn’t so much real as it is only a perception, and the one quote shows that, when she says, essentially, “it’s not discussed but everyone knows it.”)  I’ve always found this to be true; the guys aren’t aware enough, most of the time, or don’t care enough, to make a big deal out of girl’s clothing.  Although there is that aspect when a girl is dressed in a “slutty” manner (per the article) when guys notice and begin to pay attention to her.  This is age-old.

What’s the big deal here?  Isn’t this just adolescent development, trial-and-error, and growing pains?  No, I don’t think so.  It’s a big deal because of the culture around our kids.  They see particular things online, on TV, in movies, in music videos, etc. and whatever is “it” MUST be emulated.  At least in their minds.  Whatever’s hip, cool, newest, biggest, baddest, and those things that push the moral lines, is what is desired.  Again, this is age-old.  The shiny thing that grabs attention is what becomes so sought after.  So, with our young women, and this idea of “dressing sexy for Halloween”, what do we do?  Fathers… where are you?

Here’s what we do.  I’ve written about this before, I speak about this all the time, I teach my kids in class this concept in all we do.  It’s not a new concept… it too is age-old.  We teach our kids that they are intrinsically good and that God loves them, and that we love them.  We instill in them a self-worth that is so strong that it can stand up against any cultural phenomenon, any peer pressure, any moral dilemma and come out victorious.  Without this self-worth, without this knowledge that they have a dignity that is deserving of only the greatest, they will fall into the pressure of the world to find their happiness, self-worth, and coolness factor from other things.  In the end, those other things won’t bring happiness, only emptiness.

Fathers: if you’re not the most loving, caring, compassionate, uplifting source of goodness in your daughter’s life, then why not?!  She needs your attention, your affection, your love, your discipline, your care, your concern.  NEEDS it like she needs water, food, oxygen, and shelter.  An absolute necessity.  If you’ve failed her in this area up to this point, work to fix your mistakes.  You’ve got 10 days before Halloween, it’s not too late.  And let’s be real, Halloween isn’t the issue, but it certainly accentuates the issue.

TrueMan up!

Be Encouraged for Back-to-School!

The start of the school season is here.  That time of year when kids wish that summer lasted a few more weeks, and mom’s wish their babies weren’t growing up so fast.  When teachers stress (or so I’m told) about getting their rooms ready, organized, and situated and fall sport coaches get geared up for practices to begin.  And our American way of life gets its schedule back.

Personally, I haven’t been this excited about a school year, well… maybe ever.  I’m actually pumped for school to start.  I can’t wait to welcome my students to my classroom for the first time!  I will begin teaching middle school and high school theology, having a total of seven classes per day.  It’s going to be a rollercoaster schedule, but I’m really excited about it.  I’m teaching 6th-10th grades, and 2 electives which I hope to highlight more in the future.  “Faith & Action” for 7th-9th graders and “Faith & Strength” for 11th-12th.  These classes are going to be amazing.  I have the honor and pleasure of helping to form these young minds and souls in the truths of Christ Jesus!  What better honor could their be?!

Whatever you’re feeling in regards to back-to-school, here’s a few things to keep in mind:

FOR KIDS: School is about more than grades, gossip, and gross cafeteria food.  Embrace school, and all the trials that come along with it, to help build you into the person God is calling you to be.  Set goals for yourself for what you’d like to achieve this year – whether they be academic, athletic, extra-curricular, or a mix of all of them.  Don’t take this time in your life for granted… soak it up, enjoy it, and live each day to the fullest.  I challenge you to be pro-active (don’t procrastinate!) with your homework, set your priorities straight, and to be determined to always be a positive influence in your school.  Be a heroicly virtuous leader among your peers!

FOR PARENTS: You have the power to shape the “mental game” of your child!  If you help them to see things correctly, to properly order their day, to set them up for success… they will be all the better for it!  Ask your child questions, engage them in what’s going on in school (don’t forget about the social aspect – so many parents don’t have a clue) and help them to set goals.  I like the idea of monthly, quarterly, and semester goal-setting.  (We’ll be goal-setting in my classes.)  Outlaw the lame, but ever so popular, question “How was school today?”  Instead, ask them engaging questions like: 1. What was the most important thing you said today?  2. How were you a leader at school today? (Notice that I don’t leave room for “I wasn’t a leader.”  Expect your child to execute leadership!  Learning their leadership style, possibly through their temperament, would be a great exercise.)  3. What did you do today to help you achieve your goals?  4. What mistakes did you make today and how will you make sure you don’t make them again?  (And so on. Choose one or two a day, don’t feel like you need to ask them all every day.  Come up with your own.)  Even small children can have conversations about these concepts, and it’s much more effective than one-word responses and helps teach children valuable communication skills.  In our house, we also go around the table, asking everyone these two questions: 1. What was your favorite part of the day? 2. How did you make the choice to love today?  GREAT for conversations!

A word to the dads: Dads, if you’re not actively involved in the schooling process of your children, make a “new school year” resolution and become involved.  An easy way to engage is to make sure that your family has dinner together every night and that you ask some of those important questions at that time.  I know there are a million and one excuses about why dinner doesn’t happen as a family, but it’s super important to “break bread” together. Lead the conversation, get to know the inner workings of your kid’s brain, and build the trust with them that you expect should be there.  It doesn’t just happen on its own – you have to work at it and earn it from them.  When you do, you’ll be effective in speaking into their lives – possibly the single most important thing you can do!  Go Dads!

May God bless your school year, your school, your teachers and coaches, and most imporantly, our children.

TrueMan up!

Hand-helds in Little Hands?

“Keep hand-held devices out of small children’s hands.”  It seems like a common-sense approach to me, but I am constantly see small children (younger and younger every day) with hand-held devices.  I even see it in Mass, which boggles my mind.  The damage being done is mostly under the surface, so maybe we aren’t really aware of just what’s happening.  I recently read an article from a pediatric occupational therapist and thought I’d summarize what she wrote.

*DADS:  Before you read any further, and this post becomes hard to read b/c it hits too close to home, keep in mind that we didn’t have these devices.  We played outside.  We skinned our knees.  We got dirty.  We lived an adventure.  Get your kids away from the screens, and send them outside!  This is an opportunity to step in and make some life-changing decisions for your children.

1. Rapid Brain Growth: she said that “early brain development is determined upon environmental stimuli, or lack thereof.”  Think about it… nowadays we have all sorts of issues that never seemed to exist “back then”.  ADD, ADHD, hyper-activity, impulse, etc.  A cure?  GO OUTSIDE.
2. Delayed Development: imagine a few inches of a screen vs. an entire outside playground with toys, bikes, balls, and the like.  Physical, mental, emotional, relational, development is hindered behind a screen.
3. Epidemic Obesity: nothing to add.
4. Sleep Deprivation: when we’re constantly plugged in, it’s hard to shut it off.  Kids need sleep (in pretty sizeable quantities) to develop properly, especially at young ages.
5. Mental Illness: apparently the increase in child technology overuse is shown to be related to a drastic increase in depression, anxiety, ADD, etc.  (I don’t know if I’m sold on this one, but it wouldn’t surprise me.)
6. Aggression: content leads to action.  What our kids consume they will become.  (You are what you eat.)
7. Digital Dimentia: kids who can’t pay attention can’t learn.  (Again, I’m not sure about this one, specifically, but I’m sure it correlates.)
8. Addictions: I have no doubt in my mind that this one is 100% fully absolutely without a doubt true.  Let’s see… addiction to junk on the screen or addicted to the outdoors?  GO OUTSIDE!
9. Radiation emissions: I’m convinced that there’s a conspiracy going on where cancer from radiation is in and comes from everything.
10. Unsustainable: these methods, of overuse of technology starting at a crazy-young-age, by which our children function, grow, learn, and develope aren’t sustainable.

Let’s link this to virtue, because everything should.  To be virtuous, and to instill this in our children, we must possess TEMPERANCE.  Temperance moderates our attraction to pleasure.  We should find ourselves somewhere in a moderate level of use.

Look… I’m NOT a technology hater.  I’m not trying to point fingers… that’s not what we do here.  I have multiple laptops, a tablet, a smart phone, a flat screen, Roku TV, and obviously have a presence online.  However, when it comes to my kids, they don’t spend time on my hand-held devices.  They do, however, spend some time on learning sites (we like ABCMouse.com when they’re young), and do math-fact-games, etc. on an old laptop.  They watch the occasional movie (our family favorites are “The Sound of Music” and “Mary Poppins”.)  But, and this is the point here… it’s regulated.  They spend exponentially more time outside, in the fresh air, without their eyes buggin’ out staring at a screen.  They also spend a ton of time reading books.  Every. Single. Day.  My kids are young, but hold conversations with adults, are polite, have imaginations, and are well-spoken.  It makes a difference.

OK – now it’s time to think about our own use.  OUCH!  Am I right or am I right?  Adults won’t be as effected in terms of the developmental pieces, but our noses in screens has a negative impact on us, too.  Same principle applies… GO OUTSIDE!

TrueMan up!

Evangelizing a Man

The work of evangelization is a requirement for attaining TrueManhood.  Each man must come to fulfill the Great Commission, when Christ demanded that His disciples “Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them all that I have commanded you.  And lo, I am with you always, even until the end of time.” (Matt 28:19-20.) This wasn’t the “Great Suggestion” – it is an obligation, an order, a must.

For men who are fathers, our children automatically become our disciples.  This is a huge task, and a mighty responsibility.  I’m not necessarily speaking about this directly in this post, although it may pertain to grown male children, to some extent.

In order to evangelize, we must ourselves be evangelized.  What does the word “evangelization” even mean?  What is it?  There are numerous ways we can think about evangelization – in terms of the definition, the time, place, and style, the programs, the books, the techniques, the strategies, and so forth.  That can become pretty complicated, and for our purposes somewhat unnecessary, so I suggest we break it down to a baseline understanding.  Evangelization = Jesus Christ.

When you hear or see the word, or encounter the concept of evangelization, your mind should automatically go to Jesus Christ.  You should consider who He was, what He did, why He did it, and how it impacts all we do.  It’s not rocket science, it’s really not.  Evangelization is coming to know the person of Jesus Christ.  When we know the person of Jesus Christ (once we’ve been evangelized – encountered Jesus) we are changed.  We are held to a higher standard.  What a great concept for men… to be challenged and held accountable to the highest standard!  How masculine!

How, then, do we go about evangelizing men?  Well, unfortunately, many of us simply don’t.  We fail to take the opportunities to talk to men in our lives, or men we encounter along the way.  We are timid, frightened, and lack gusto.  How a man might respond to us is enough to make us change how we speak, think, act, work, dress, and function.  It’s a powerful relationship.  Why, then, do we shy away from this if that relationship is so powerful?  Wouldn’t we want to make disciples from these powerful relationships?  I believe many don’t evangelize men because of fear.  Fear holds us back and prevents us from sharing who we really are.  Fear prevents us from sharing who Jesus is.  This is incredibly dangerous, because we’re failing to evangelize, not remaining true to the Great Commission, not proclaiming the Gospel, and failing to give a man all that he deserves (see ‘virtue of justice’ in the Catechism of the Catholic Church.)

I’m a firm believer that the best method for evangelization is through relationships.  Relational-Evangelization.  Creating relationships with folks is how we are able to learn about them, see who they are and what is beyond their outer façade, and how we are able to begin to gain moral authority (the right to be heard because we are trusted and respected by the other person.)  Once we gain moral authority with a person, we are able to speak into their lives, with meaning and purpose.  When it comes to the men in our lives, having moral authority with them is essential.  For many men, they need proof before they’ll listen to you.  The proof they want to see is that they can trust you.  Hurt caused by lack of trust (or loss of trust, once gained) is a major wound in the lives of many men.

For others, they want to see what you’re made of.  They want to see how hard you work, how tough you are, or whether or not you back up what you say.  Backing up what you say has to be done with actions, bringing in another important aspect to evangelizing men.  If you and I live as though what Jesus said was true, there will be something about us that is different (radically different) from the world.  Men whom we have relationships with will see this.

Living as a TrueMan in our world today is so important.  If we can achieve this – striving to live virtue, to be as Christ is – we will have great success in our evangelization, and through that, work to spread the Good News.  If we gain the men, we will gain the women and children as well.  Where men go, so goes the world.  May it all be for His glory!

CHALLENGE: consider a man in your life that doesn’t know Jesus Christ and begin to pray for him.  Pray too for the opportunities to evangelize this man through your actions and words.  Be open to the chances that are presented and be bold.  There are countless ways to evangelize, but doing nothing is not one of them.

TrueMan up!

Men Leading Boys, Not Boys Leading Boys

 

Dads, this post is for you.  On the heels of St. Joseph’s Feast Day, I wanted to talk about what I believe is an important topic regarding fathers and their sons.  As you read in the title of this post, I wrote “men leading boys, not boys leading boys.”  This idea has come up a lot for me, especially of late, in regards to things that take place in and around our world.  Three specific areas that I’ll mention are 1. Scouting 2. Catholic Schools and 3. Firearms.

 The concept of boys learning how to be men from men might seem like an unnecessary one to hash out.  Unfortunately, I believe that we have a crisis of masculinity because boys have been learning how to be men from other boys.  This simply doesn’t work.  Keep in mind that the opposite of masculinity is not femininity, but rather, childishness.  Both boys and men are males, but not all males are or become men.  (Some dogs are males too, that doesn’t make them men.)  Some males may never reach manliness – this would be due to their actions, choices, and attitudes.

This opens the doorway to many criticisms of this idea, such as fathers who have abandoned their children, fathers who are divorced and estranged from their families, boys whose fathers may have simply been a “donor”, and sadly for some, boys whose fathers have passed away.  (Most of these scenarios, as you can see, involve a party other than the boy himself, making a choice that negatively impacts the boy and his development.  I would put the ‘fathers who have passed away’ in a different category altogether for my argument.)  Unfortunately, the common response is “we can’t expect fathers to be with their sons because so many boys don’t have fathers who are present.”  This is the wrong response, and probably a major factor of why we are in the predicament of a fatherless culture.  Let’s stop making excuses, and save what good we have, and fix the bad.  If you have a boy (or many boys) in your life – family, friends, neighbors, your children’s classmates, etc. – who don’t have a father in their life, be that man to him as much as you can. Regarding scouting: there has been a big push, especially among Catholics, to leave the Boy Scouts of America organization because of choices and changes they have made, areas of morality they have compromised, and unsafe environments that have gone unregulated, to name a few.  I’ve engaged in the conversation several times with various folks and have come to the conclusion that whatever our boys do, the fathers MUST be involved!  Whether the boy is in scouts, (Check out Dr. Taylor Marshall’s Catholic option) or in sports, how can we expect one man, and sometimes a woman, (ie: the scout leader or the coach) to form every young boy he has under his care?  That’s crazy to think that it will happen.  Even with a few leaders or a few coaches, the journey from boyhood to manliness won’t occur properly without each boy’s father being present.

My second area of concentration on this topic is within our Catholic schools.  Hopefully, if you’re a father of a child in school, you not only know their teachers, administrators, and coaches, but you know their friends and the parents of their friends.  Knowing the teachers and administrators means more than simply knowing their names and faces, but actually knowing their philosophy and certainly their theology.  (I’m guilty of not knowing enough about this with my own children.)  My point is this… if the father is void of this vital time, or simply “lets mom do it”, our kids will suffer.  Fathers must be active in the education and formation of their children.  Again, it seems unnecessary to say it, but it is so true and utterly ridiculous to think that our boys will become men from the other boys they are around at school.  The other boys in school might be watching inappropriate movies, shows, and listening to inappropriate music.  They may also have misguided “world views”, or beliefs that are contrary to Catholicism.  Many of these boys are already addicted to porn, engaged in sexual behavior, using alcohol and drugs, and involved in unlawful acts.  Are these the boys you want your boys being formed by?

 My parenting philosophy here is not to simply lock my children in the basement and keep them in a Catholic bubble, but rather, to properly form them, instilling virtue into their lives, so that when faced with tough life decisions, peer pressure, or sin-in-general, they make the right decision.  Get in there and be the leader your kid needs!

I thought I’d also throw in the third area – firearms – because I continue to hear so much untruth surrounding them.  Yes, I am a gun-guy.  I have a bunch of firearms and I enjoy them thoroughly.  I talk about them with my kids, show them how they function, how to load them, how to clean them, proper stance for various shooting positions, and include various tactics and methods.  I take them hunting with me (they are not of hunting age themselves, but may accompany me) and to the range or country to shoot.  Along the way, their formation is heavily involved because I don’t leave things at surface level, but rather, dive into serious topics and scenarios with them.  We’ve discussed the ethics and morality in relation to hunting, requiring us to be smart, safe, and legal.  We’ve discussed the reality of the danger of firearms when used incorrectly, with the devastating effects that they can have, including the reality of death.  We talk about a lot of things regarding firearms – they are a part of our lives.  Heck, many nights, the food we eat is due to the firearms that I have and have used.  I don’t shy away from having them, using them, or showing them to my kids like my firearms are some sort of evil-doer or monster.  We embrace them as a tool and just like my hammers, screwdrivers, drills, and wrenches, I teach my kids how to utilize them properly.  How else would I expect them to learn?

I guess I’ll end with this: if we want out boys to remain boys, and never reach TrueManhood (a life of virtue modeled after Jesus Christ), then we should let the culture raise them.  If, however, we want our boys to reach TrueManhood (and ideally, as soon as possible), then we should raise them.  This means being heavily involved in every aspect of their life, at all times, without compromise.

 I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again… we’ve all heard the saying “If I don’t do it, nobody will.”  I’ll see your bet and raise you eternity… “If I don’t do it, the devil will.”  Think about it.

 TrueMan up!

“Courageous” Opens Tomorrow

VERY RARELY do I get excited about a movie debuting in the theaters.  To put my theater-movie-watching in perspective, the last two movies I’ve seen in the theater have been “Tangled”, which I took my oldest daughter to as a special daddy-daughter date and the 4th Indiana Jones.  (That one came out in the summer of 2008.)  So, you can see that I don’t frequent the movie theater.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy movies, but I struggle terribly to find time to go to the theater and I struggle even more with paying ticket prices for movies nowadays!  (Tangled was a matinee with a coupon, and someone gave me free passes for Indiana Jones.)

BUT… I must say that I am VERY excited about an upcoming movie that is making its way to the big screen tomorrow (Friday, September 30, 2011).  The movie is called “Courageous”.  The producers of this film also produced the movie “Fireproof” (and a few others), which I thought was a good movie.  If “Fireproof” was good, “Courageous” is great!  I had the privilege of pre-screening the movie with my colleagues at our office and have the honor of being part of The King’s Men, one of the ministry-resources for men after they see the movie.

For the pre-screening, I went in very skeptical.  I went in believing that Sherwood Pictures was going to make the movie cheesy with Bible innuendos and very heavy, to the point of burdensome, like they did in “Fireproof”.  Not so.  “Courageous” was very well done and had just the right amount of the “Jesus-factor” so as to still be relate-able as a tool for evangelization purposes with men who are non-believers.  This movie has action, drama, suspense, thrills, excitement and a host of other great characteristics.  I cannot recommend this movie high enough.  Go see it, even at current ticket prices, and show Hollywood that Americans want good, wholesome entertainment and not the garbage they have been spewing for years.

This movie is real.  It is about real men, attempting to live through some real life issues and situations.  It’s very practical and very helpful.  The acting is top notch, the storyline is right on and the cinematography is great.  Again, I cannot recommend this movie enough. (The trailer is located on our homepage on the right side.)

After you see the movie, you may want to get involved.  If you desire to follow in the example of the men in the movie, and become part of a small men’s group, I have a turn-key solution for you.  I’m happy to recommend a format for a men’s small group meeting that is easily duplicated, dynamic, and proven.  We do not charge dues, have no membership and offer incredible support to our leaders.  Don’t try to reinvent the wheel – we have the track record of  a program that works.  Men’s lives are changed because of it.  Men who invest themselves into a men’s small group experience extreme growth and positive change.  Don’t wait another day!  If your parish/church/group/city/area gather enough men together, I can personalize a leader’s training workshop for you and train all of your facilitators in a day-long training session, complete with resource manual and all the how-to’s and nuts and bolts you could ever need.

If we don’t currently have any groups nearby, maybe this is the day you step up and start one.  Contact me for all the resources and support you need.  Info@TrueManhood.com.

TrueMan up!

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