Daddy’s Rule – No Boys! It’s Not What You Think

From the time that I learned I was having a daughter (she’s almost 7 now), I began to formulate a rule for her.  I now have 3 daughters, and the rule is the same for all of them.  The rule… very simple: no boys.

As soon as this simple rule came to be, it was often laughed off by those who heard of it.  They assumed it to be some silly new-dad sort of over-compensation for fear of raising a daughter in this crazy world.  It was assumed to be sarcasm, and folly.  Many who thought they knew me associated my burly, rough, sometimes crass and overtly confident exterior with this rule as if I simply wanted to lock my daughter(s) up in the basement, never to see the light of day.

This couldn’t be further from the truth.

Men – if you’re a dad, you should know that there’s nothing more important for a father than getting his children to heaven.  A major stumbling block for many of our children will be their life-choices, especially associated with choices about their relationships (friendships, intimate, romantic, marriage, etc.)  This particular area is not one where we can sit on the sidelines and hope that our children naturally make good choices.  We must be totally invested in them, from the word ‘go’, and know all the details as they grow.

How then do I justify this rule of “no boys”?  It’s very simple.  The opposite of manliness is childishness.  Manliness equals virtue.  So, when a man (read as “virtuous man”) comes into OUR lives… at a MUCH later date… and proves himself worthy of my daughter’s attention, involvement, affection, and potentially her ‘yes’ to marriage, it will be time for her to embrace her vocation to marriage (should it be so.)  I’m not, in the least, afraid of her vocation, because it comes from God and will be a major contributor towards her sanctification.  [FYI – I’ll discuss the topic of “courting” (versus dating) in a coming post.]

The “10 Rules to Date My Daughter” lists, and “Applications to Date My Daughter”, etc. etc. etc. aren’t where we should be.  We also shouldn’t be on the “Her Body, Her Rules – feminist father” side either.  (See a good post by Tom Hoopes in response to a recent pic floating around the interwebs.)  These fail to honor our daughters and their abilities, which speaks poorly of us as fathers.  We should be on the side of total investment in teaching our daughters that they are loved, that they are princesses (more on this below), and that they are worth the very best.

“That they are princesses” is important to explain.  Disney has hijacked the princess for the past 20+ years, and it appears that they will continue to hijack it for many more to come.  Our daughters don’t understand what “princess” truly means, they merely see bad examples of rebellious, poor-decision-making, spoiled little girls in those movies, instead of what a princess really is… the daughter of the King.  Jesus is King, and because He’s God, and we are His (God’s) children, thus we are welcomed into His royal family, and therefore, we’re all princes and princesses.  Princesses deserve the very best, by sheer nature of their birth, and that’s what we must instill in our daughters.  If our daughters know their worth, and how to make good decisions, we won’t have to worry about their choice in a spouse because it will be right.

I could go on and on with this topic, but I won’t.  Just make sure that if you’re a dad, that you spend time investing in your daughters each and every day.  And remember, “No Boys!”

TrueMan up!

Through Thick and Thin

Thanks to my man Travis for sending this video along.  Blew him away, so he sent it.  Blew me away, so I’m posting it.

Chris Medina – I have no idea if you made it past the initial cuts, but that doesn’tmatter.  You’re doin’ it right, bro.  You made all the men who strive to serve their wives step up their service and love.  Keep on.

Stories like this one should make us all stop and look at what we do and how we spend our days.  We were created for something more than ourselves and for something better than we have currently.  Striving for perfection, as Scripture instructs us, is so very hard.  Living a life of service, as a man of God, is hard.  Hard as it may be for Chris and his fiancée, I bet if you asked him if he’s happy, he’d tell you he’s more happy today than ever before.  Maybe he’ll read this and let us know first-hand.

Wow.

TrueMan up!

Changing a Man

Is it possible to change a person?  Specifically, is it possible to change a man?  I hear this topic brought up a lot, especially in the case of bad relationships.  The question is frequently asked in regards to a man who isn’t doing what he’s supposed to be doing.  The question is frequently coming after hindsight kicks in and someone recognizes that they picked a less-than-perfect-man to date, marry or befriend.

So, what do you think?  Is it possible to change a person?  Is it possible for a person with little-to-no-potential to change?  I firmly believe so!  Why do I believe so firmly in this?  Because I changed!  I change everyday, I strive to get better, I strive to change my ways – further away from my desires, interests and comforts, and more towards Christ Jesus!  I think we all have the internal power to change for the better.

I write this post because I see situations regularly, and some very “close to home”, that cause me to wonder why people (men specifically) don’t change!?!  There are so many wonderful things in life to experience, and so much good to be done, and so many people to influence for the positive… why do some people wallow in their filth?  It boggles my mind.

I look at my life and notice that I desire change.  If my wife isn’t happy with something I’m doing, I don’t become defensive and argumentative, I work on getting better!  If my children aren’t responding to my parenting, I don’t blame them, I work to be a better father.  If my prayer life isn’t as strong as I need it to be, I don’t get angry at God, I pray more.  You see, in my life, I have learned that I must be the cause for the change I want to see.  I can’t blame others for things I don’t like.  I can’t sit around and stay stagnant.  I can’t be okay with mediocre.  I must work to grow, to change, to be the man that God created me to be.  We all must do this!

One other thing here… If you know a guy who needs to change, give him the chance.  Have really high expectations and don’t settle for second best.  He has the potential to be better, he just might need to see that someone expects more out of him and that it really does matter how he lives, treats others and believes.  However, if you’ve given someone a chance, and they constantly choose to make poor decisions, to wallow in their filth and refuse to grow, be careful how much you invest in them.  I’m not telling you to stop investing in them, I’m merely suggesting that you be careful.  Ladies – if you are dating a man who doesn’t want to change, be very weary to stay with him.  You deserve a man who will strive to be the best he can be.  Don’t expect marriage to make it better, it may in fact make it worse.

TrueMan up!

What We’re Up Against

I found this two and a half year old video on YouTube a couple of weeks ago and have been wanting to post about it, but the timing just never seemed right to me.  I watched it again today and have some thoughts to share.  The video is below, but before you watch it, please be forewarned that many, if not all, of the elements of the video are incorrect.  Blatant disregard for the respect of men is apparent and falsehoods are rampant throughout.  Take a look and then we’ll discuss the problems.

First off, men are portrayed as lower-than Neanderthals in this video, that all we want is sex.  This perception comes from the large numbers of men who make this true.  For those of us who defy this stereotype, we have a long road ahead of us.  Men, if you fall into this stereotype, I challenge you to change your thinking, make better choices and being striving for virtue.  Come on, get with the program.

Secondly, many men have a hard time being friends with women because they 1. don’t know what friendship is, 2. are selfish, 3. have a vastly skewed view of the true beauty of women and 4. have never had an honest and pure relationship with a female.  All of these issues may, in many cases, stem from a man’s use of, exposure to or addiction to pornography.  Pornography has a devastating effect on men, their psyche and their ability to relate with other members of society.  Some men simply don’t know how to interact with others, specifically, women, but pornography creates a serious impediment to having healthy relationships.

Next, the video portrays men as liars.  If we want a solid relationship, we can’t lie.  Honesty, with prudence and tact, is always the best way to go.  Which brings us to the next part of the video… the questions from women.  As a married man, with lots of experience with this, let me help you out.  When the woman you are involved with (courting, engaged to, married to, etc.) asks a question (usually in the form of a rhetorical question), she may be looking for something specific from you in the answer.  If you’re married, and your wife asks “Do you think Angelina Jolie is prettier than me?” you quickly answer (truthfully) “No way.”  Simple.  The reason you’re “supposed to say no” is merely a way of affirming your wife’s beauty.  She shouldn’t really care if Angelina Jolie is prettier in reality or not, and neither should you.  (Personally, I don’t find Angelina Jolie pretty at all, so that answer is easy for me.)

“Do these jeans make me look fat?” – the answer is ‘no’.  You’re not lying, you’re affirming your wife’s beauty.  If the pants aren’t flattering, say so, but do it with charity and prudence, talking specifically about the jean’s deficiencies and never about your wife.  With both of these questions (prettier women and looking fat) they aren’t really asking you for your opinion on the matter, they may be trying to validate the relationship or your deep love for her.  Instead of letting it get to that point, I recommend affirming, complimenting and encouraging your wife well before these sorts of questions come up.  This should happen regularly.  I’m not perfect at it, so take it from me, you can make a lot of ground by answering quickly and positively.  This is always good to say – “I love you.  You’re incredible.  You’re beautiful and I’m lucky to have you.”  To some, this might sound like a canned lie response.  Let’s be clear here, I’m not saying that you should lie to her.  I’m suggesting that you believe those things and get to a point in your relationship where you really see the inner and outer beauty, the incredible nature of your wife and realize just how lucky you are.  Again, as I said before, if we want to be in a solid relationship, we cannot lie.

As for the last part of the video, if you “hear” this way, you’ve obviously got issues.  Don’t let anyone treat you like this, it’s degrading and disrespectful.  I encourage all men to not only hear, but listen.  Listening is the act of being attentive to what is being said.  Hearing is merely allowing your ears to do what they were created to do.

Men, this sort of video is rampant on the internet, in movies and television shows, in emails, songs and printed media.  If we want to change the perception of men, and challenge the men who are the way the video portrays all men to be, then we better get to work.  Start by cherishing your wife and encouraging her.

TrueMan up!

For Women – Is He Mr. Right?

I recently came across an online article titled “Is He Mr. Right?”  I was curious what the article said, doubting that any of it was substantive or even remotely helpful.  The information was, well, eh.  The article had five main points, and if your “Mr. Next” met all five, then voilà!  “You’ve found Mr. Right!”  What do you think?

The first point was “He Listens to You”.  Huh?, what’s that?  Oh, sorry.  Although listening is a vital component to just about every human relationship, I don’t know that it’s essential in choosing Mr. Right.  The first point continues on, saying “you’ll know he listens to you when he shows genuine concern, consistently remembers things you’ve told him and offers emotional support in honest and thoughtful way.”  Well… I don’t think that the actions mentioned here are listening, although listening played a role.  The action is ‘showing’, ‘remembering’ and ‘offering’.  Listening doesn’t make things happen… doing does.  With that said, God gave us each 2 ears and only 1 mouth, meaning that we should probably listen twice as much as we talk.

The second point is rather silly… “He Connects with You.”  If a guy isn’t connecting with you, why are you dating him?

The third point is good, although not developed enough for my tastes… “He Wants the Real You.”  The author writes about a woman not giving up any part of her identity for a man, which is fine and good.  I think that when either person does that, it only leads to falsehood, and eventually, the truth comes out and problems come up.  I believe one of the best ways for the guy to really want the ‘real’ you, is for him to know you before you date.  This begins the topic of dating with a purpose, although we don’t have time for that here.

The fourth point is even better than the third.  Here it is, verbatim: “A relationship without trust is doomed from the start. But a relationship with abundant trust? A fabulous foundation for real and lasting love! Built over time, trust is based on the simple belief system that your partner has your best interests at heart and will never intentionally hurt you (and vice versa). If and when you discover that Mr. Next is 100 percent trustworthy, you’ll have no trouble giving your heart to him. In return, he’ll most likely give you his heart and pave the way for a lasting, loving relationship to unfold.”  Here’s my qualm with this on… be overly careful with who you give your heart to.  Just because he’s trustworthy, doesn’t make him worthy of your heart.  Be careful, please.

The fifth point isn’t all the great, at least not for the ‘all-encompassing’ characteristic that a man must have, blah blah blah.  “He Enriches Your Life.”  Is that the best this author can do?  What about virtue here?  What about how he treats you?  What about how compatible your life goals, dreams and aspirations are?  Again, as with the second point, this seems a bit silly for me.

I think the author is missing the boat, unless, of course, the point of dating is solely to have fun.  If that’s the case, then what’s the point in even caring about Mr. Right?  Why not just care about Mr. Right-Now?  The point should be that dating with a purpose is the only way that a relationship will truly last and truly bring happiness to both people.  These relationships, however, must have Christ at their center if they want that happiness.  Ladies, please know that you are incredible.  God created you for greatness and you have nothing stopping you from that.  You deserve the best and should never compromise for a counterfeit version of the best.  So many women attempt to find value in the things that happen to them (compliments, stares, successes at work, awards, etc.) instead of finding true value in the fact that you are a daughter of God.  He is the only place for true fulfillment.

What’s Coming Next?

My apologies for not posting anything the past week.  Since I don’t have sponsors, paid advertisements and/or endorsements (hint hint, wink nudge) I don’t feel too guilty.  Actually, I was out of town visiting my very elderly grandmother and some of my extended family with my wife and children, computer time was very limited. TrueManhood.com has definitely been on my mind, but not a priority because much needed time with them was taking precedence.  So, since I haven’t written anything lately, I wanted to let everyone know what they can expect in the coming days.

Depending on what I see/hear about/come across/etc. “out there” in regards to TrueManhood, I’ll be posting whatever I think is worthy of a post.  Besides those stories, you can expect something on the following topics soon:

• Struggling with Lenten devotions, the struggle of Lent (general) and the tough days during Holy Week.
• Major League Baseball, Opening Day Special
• Holy Thursday – The Vortex, “Judas Today”
• An article about “supertaskers”
• A post about an irate hockey coach.  Temper, temper.
• A Dating Article
• A Eucharistic Miracle Video
• Plenty of other great stuff!

Until the next post, keep fighting the good fight!

Man up!

In Response – Great Questions

I recently received a comment with some great questions about my last post “Relationships Relationships“.  I would like to respond here and also encourage everyone to post comments so we can increase the communication on the site!  Keep asking great questions!  (At the bottom of every post is the comment box, called “SPEAK YOUR MIND”, like the box you see to the left.)

THE COMMENT: Dave – how do you effectively date with a purpose (towards marriage discernment) without putting undue pressure/stress on the relationship? I’ve been in a spot before where the constant evaluation of the question of “Is she the one?” gets in the way of enjoying a simple ice cream cone, kind of like being scrupulous and dwelling on it too much. It is hard to describe the feeling, but at some points it can feel like you’re viewing the other person as a means to an end, rather an end in and of themselves, and as Kant would say “Act in such a way that you treat humanity, whether in your own person or in the person of any other, always at the same time as an end and never merely as a means to an end.” I know Kant wasn’t a church father but I think there’s a lot of value in that quote. In other words – sometimes I want to enjoy the company of my girlfriend as a fellow human being, enjoying either an ice cream cone or a game of poker, without stressing too much about the call to marriage.

Also – should there not be at least a certain respect/reason for the duration between engagement and marriage, in the sense of acknowledging the accepted commitment (of engagement) while also admitting the need to further understand the churches teachings on marriage (which perhaps wasn’t rigorously necessary while dating) such as NFP, the vocation/sacrament of marriage, etc? I imagine the wait can be very frustrating but I think it also has value.

Also, I mostly agree with you on arguments, but I do think you can still have disagreements on politics etc., and that’s ok and can make for fruitful discussion still. Also, hard to explain, but I think an argument can be okay now and then – if only in the sense that while no one directly wants to pursue argument/conflict, neither side wants to be a pushover either, always trying to avoid confrontation. It’s tricky though.

MY RESPONSE: in response to the first part of the comment about “undue pressure on the relationship”, I recommend getting to know the person you are thinking about dating before you start dating them.  This doesn’t always work, but in most cases I think it is what’s best.  For instance, if you are trying to figure out what sort of girl she is, observe her in public, with her friends and with strangers.  [A great tool for knowing how she treats others is to go out to eat and witness her interaction with the server.]  You can do this by spending time together in groups, at events, parties, whether with her friends, your friends or both.  It takes pressure off at the beginning of the friendship, instead of putting pressure on during the middle of one.  During this time of observation, you are being yourself, open and honest and living your life – hopefully she is too.  DO NOT EMOTIONALLY DATE THIS GIRL!!!  If you want to take her out, then Man up! and ask her out.  By learning who she is before you ask her out, you can make a realistic determination whether or not she is the type of woman you can see yourself in a relationship with.  By jumping into a relationship without knowing her, you are taking a chance later in the relationship.  This is why you “date with a purpose”, which actually starts LONG BEFORE you ever start dating someone.  Your public, private, spiritual and emotional life should be in order before you invite someone into it, and vice versa.  There’s a reality about dating with a purpose, that this relationship is going to end… it may end in break up, or it may end in marriage!  (funny, huh?!)    This doesn’t mean that you can’t go out and have fun, but I caution you against being in a relationship with someone simply because they are fun, or you have fun with them.  Certainly, fun/happiness/joy is a huge part of a relationship, but this girl isn’t your drinking buddy or the guys you go shoot hoops with.  She may very well be the mother of your children… that requires a lot of thought and virtue on your part!

In response to the second part of the comment about “engagement”, yes, you are correct to say that the time during engagement can be purposeful and valuable.  However, engagement is NOT a time to discern!  The discernment happens prior to the asking and accepting.  An understanding of the Sacrament and of the married life is important to have, preferably prior to the relationship but if not, then prior to engagement.  It’s not a “shot in the dark”, this is a for-sure decision… you’d better be certain about what’s happening.  So, for some couples, they’re going to need a full year, which most diocese/churches require for marriage prep.  Some other couples simply do not need that time.  I believe that it comes down to the couple’s formation and understanding of what they are about to embark on.  For my wife and I, we were ready and understood fully what we were embarking on.  Our engagement was about seven months long .  I know other couples that needed longer than 12 months.  As for NFP preparation, a woman can learn her cycle by charting (or whichever method the couple is going to utilize) after about three months.  Obviously, not every woman is going to have an experience like this.  I recommend that young women who are dating with a purpose start charting before engagement.  This doesn’t only tell them their fertile/unfertile days, it explains a lot about the female psyche, behavior, attitude and so on.  Again, I recommend that each couple decide with their marriage prep facilitators/priest where they are and how long they should be engaged.  Sometimes, the decision is made for you, depending on certain outside factors (deployments, graduations, moving, leases, family issues, jobs, etc.)

And in response to the third part of the comment about “disagreements and arguments”, I need to clarify what I mean by disagreements and arguments.  I do not mean differing in viewpoint, opinion or the like.  What I mean is when a couple is angry, frustrated, upset, etc. and they don’t care to look at the other point of view or to put the other person’s needs first.  Again, selfishness takes over in this case.  Yes, a couple is welcome to have differing opinions on things, and that can be healthy.  I think couples that have been together for at least a little while can determine the difference here and know what’s what.  Once a person understand love more fully (the greatest virtue, by the way!) they begin to look at life, their goals, their spouse, their kids, in a whole new light!

Kant was quoted earlier, but I want to quote John Paul II, “Love is the unification of persons.” (Love and Responsibility). If a man is unified with his spouse, his love will win out over disagreements and arguments.  We should all strive for this.

Thanks for your time on this one today!

Man up!

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