Relationships Relationships
It’s been requested by a frequent reader (I’m fairly certain that she checks the site daily from her RSS subscription!) for some
relationship advice, encouragement and/or help. Since we have several friends either newly married or soon-to-be married, I thought it was a good time to introduce some ideas about relationships. [Thanks for the suggestion!]
No matter what stage of your life you’re in (single, dating, engaged, married), it’s important for us to all strive to be better. Make today better than yesterday and make tomorrow better than today. Personally, I tend to be very selfish (something I work on daily) and I often let my wife down in this area… an area in my life that keeps me from fully obtaining TrueManhood. However, I know that it’s a weakness and I work on it. I try to put her needs first, to think outside the normal day-to-day “to do list” box to go out of my way to show her how much I love her. When I don’t do that, I fail in my role as her husband. When I fail as a husband, I fail to fulfill TrueManhood. If today I make some mistakes, I’ll work very very hard to not make those mistakes again tomorrow.
Our marriage is strong (one of the strongest I’ve ever come across) because we both strive to be better each and every day. We have our off days, sure. We also have incredibly strong days. What’s great about my wife and me (and I can brag because 1. it’s true and 2. it’s my website!) is that we both desire to continue to grow. We’re never okay where we are. Striving for excellence and perfection in the Lord is our daily goal. (In a spousal way, at work, with our kids, as siblings and in public. Everywhere.) No matter what stage of your life you’re in, strive to be better each and every day.
When we dated, the relationship worked well for us because we were both very grounded in the fact that we wanted to be married with children. We had both had numerous relationships that all went asunder and we weren’t investing in a long term relationship to “just have fun”. We were dating with a purpose. The purpose for us was marriage. If you’re in a dating relationship, I highly encourage you to date with a purpose. You’ve probably heard it before, but I can’t stress enough the importance of having that purpose in dating. It orients your entire being, your will, your mind toward the vocation that you’ve been called to by God. Protect yourself by being in a relationship only with a person you can foresee marrying. If you can’t see them being the parent of your children, and you can’t see yourself growing old with them, or they really really annoy you in a million different ways, then get out! Call it off. Dating isn’t about settling on the person you’ve been dating the longest, it’s about finding the right person for you. If you listen hard enough, God will reveal the person He created just for you. Once you find that person, you’ll know. It’s an incredible thing.
Recently, my wife spoke at a college women’s event. There was a “man panel” where the women could ask the men questions and get frank answers in return. Although the guys tried (sorry guys, you missed the boat here), Catherine told me that they just didn’t get it. When asked, “Tell us about your ideal date”, not a single man on the panel said anything about the girl. They never mentioned doing anything that she liked, or finding out her favorite restaurant, or trying to make the date special for the girl. I tell this little story to illustrate an important point in dating… do what the other wants to do! Be sacrificial. Bite the bullet. Put the other’s needs and wants before your own. Think outside yourself, it will bring great joy to both of your lives.
If you’re engaged, all I can say is, BUMP THE DATE UP AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!! Engagement was literally an earthly-purgatory for me. I hated it. The worst part of engagement is that you’ve made the commitment (minus the vows and Sacrament) and you want to be with this person all the time. The saying goodnight and driving home at 2:00am. The waiting. The wedding planning. Yuck. I am so glad I’ll never go through that again. If you’re in this stage, embrace it and go with the flow. It’ll be over at some point.
I have a theory (for all stages of relationships)… it’s about arguments/fights/disagreements. I am 100% convinced that in order for an argument, fight or disagreement to take place, one or both parties is acting or speaking out of selfishness. Don’t be selfish! Selfishness kills relationships. Don’t do it! (If you can think of an example where an actual argument, fight or disagreement has taken place where at least one of the people involved wasn’t selfish, I’d like to know about it. Email me at Dave@TrueManhood.com.)
As I’ve written about before, Catherine and I have a saying we use in our marriage. It’s like our motto. It’s simple, really. 
“Always Make the Choice to Love.” If you want to read more about this, check out an article I wrote for www.iibloom.com by clicking this link.
Man up!
A Dating Tip, or Two
The other day, I posted the “Superman Dates” video clip. I got a little bit of feedback on it, and felt like it was important to talk about some other aspects of dating, for both ladies and guys.
Ladies: what I am about to say is always true, in every situation, no matter what. YOU DESERVE NOTHING BUT THE BEST. You do. You deserve a man who respects you, who serves you, who cherishes you, who believes and demonstrates that there is no one more important or special for him and you deserve a man who puts his full energy and attention into your relationship. If he doesn’t, then he’s not good enough for you. Plain and simple. If he doesn’t care enough to do the little things in a dating relationship, why would anyone ever expect him to start caring when you are married? Or when times get tough? Or when you have kids? The little things he does/doesn’t do while dating are foreshadowing his future behavior.
It’s also vitally important that you set you standards high, from the beginning. If you wait until you’re in a relationship to create a list of “must haves” it will be incredibly difficult to see beyond the emotion, history and investment of your current relationship. Once you create your list, don’t stray from it. (Add to it, but don’t stray from it.) If you grow, mature and change as a person, your list can change with you, as long as it’s what best for you and your future.
If all the women in the world increased their standards (and wouldn’t compromise on them) it would force men to change their behavior. Now, I’m not saying that it’s the fault of females that men can be bad in relationships or in society or that they don’t know what it means to be a TrueMan. What I’m saying is that if women were to have a standard and keep it, that men would have to check their crass, immature, childish, destructive behavior at the door and make positive choices to raise themselves up to be worthy of dating a woman. Ladies, you hold the power to make your future bright by choosing a man that deserves you because you know that you deserve the very best.
Guys: I’ll most likely get into our part of the dating world in upcoming posts, but for now, read through the ladies’ section and check yourself. If a woman had a list, would your actions, choices and behavior warrant you being selected as “sufficient”? If not, think about things you can do to change so that when “the one” comes along, you’re ready to treat her like your queen.
Man up!
Superman Dates
I came across this video from BlueFishTV… funny stuff.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=efI-spY4vZ0]
This lighthearted approach to making a few jokes about dating brings up some good points:
1. Dating is difficult – I’m married and boy, am I glad I don’t have to date any more. The pressure, the games, the awkwardness. Yuck. Everyone is looking for love, which is a good thing. Just know that it’s hard for both parties.
2. The success/failure of the date is typically based on the behavior of the male – Ladies, a man should be out to find you, win you over and have you fall in love with him. It’s a quest for men, so let them do it. This does NOT mean that you should lower your standards. If some guy “blew your head right off…”, you better walk away a little faster than she did.
3. Just because you’re “super” doesn’t mean that you’re good at dating – don’t expect miracles just because some guy is popular, handsome or powerful (in one way or another). Being super doesn’t make you a good match or a good boyfriend and it won’t make you a good spouse either.
Man up!
