Four Days For Fathers – Day 3

Day 2’s post brings to mind another topic about fathers and sons that should be addressed.  There are a great number of people, both men and women, that believe that men can’t be sentimental, affectionate or caring.  If they are, then they must be effeminate, homosexual or other.  These same people believe that a father shouldn’t have to tell his son that he loves him… that the boy should know merely by what his father does.  Usually, the father (in this sort of situation) ‘shows’ his love by his hard work, by his determination, by what he provides for his family.  What’s lacking, though, is the verbal communication between father and son.  Without this communication, a large gap can take place where the son is longing for affirmation and the father is scared to share his feelings, in fear of not appearing ‘manly enough’ for his child.

Usually, what a son wants most in life (at least at a young age) is to make his father proud of him.  When the son doesn’t receive the communication he desires from his father, it typically results in one of two scenarios.  1. He vows to be a different and better kind of father to his own children… or 2. he perpetuates the problem with his own children.

It’s a bit different between a father and his daughters – a sensitive father of daughters is looked at as if he’s doing it right.  Firm, with high expectations, yet loving, tender and caring.

I know that many of you reading this post have daddy-shaped-holes in your life.  I realize that reading about it and thinking about it may be difficult.  While that may be true, I know that a solid way to get over the problems is to bring them to the light, to discuss them and to try to move past them.  The only way to really get over them is to realize that God the Father is your loving father in Heaven and that He has plans for your welfare.  (Read Jeremiah 29:11.)

Also, I want to address a topic from my first paragraph.  Above, I wrote “There are a great number of people, both men and women, that believe that men can’t be sentimental, affectionate or caring.  If they are, then they must be effeminate, homosexual or other.” A TrueMan is not effeminate or homosexual, but is virtuous.  Virtue is the only way for a man to fully live out ‘manliness’.  Period.

Fathers – talk with your children, grown or young.  Set the example of how to love but also commit to saying the words “I love you” on a regular basis.  I recommend saying it every chance you get.

TrueMan up!

“Be A Dad!”

Here’s an article from Fr. Larry Richards, a great priest and awesome speaker.  Thought you’d like it.

“Be a Dad!” | Fr. Larry Richards | Adapted and excerpted from Be a Man! Becoming the Man God Created You to Be | Ignatius Insight

You are going to die!

It doesn’t matter how rich we are, or how popular we are, or how powerful we are: we are all going to “kick the bucket” one day. Isn’t that a nice thought?

What we have to do is take some time to sit and meditate about taking our last breath. What do you want your wife to say about you? What do you want your kids to say about you? Once you’ve decided, “Okay, when I am taking my last breath this is what I want”, you can start living your life with your end goal in mind. You will start living in such a way that when the day of your death happens, the people who know you will say what you want them to say.

Death is the ultimate thing that takes control out of our hands. Even if we commit suicide, we cannot control what happens after we die. Not one of us had control over our own birth and not one of us has control of what happens after we die.

I have been to a lot of deathbeds throughout my priesthood, so I know what it is going to be like when you are dying. While you are lying there, the thing that is going to be most important to you is your relationships—the people that you loved and the people that in return loved you.

Then why don’t we live every day with that in mind? Make the decision to never let your wife or your kids go to bed or walk out the door without telling them first that you love them—life is just too short! It will change your family. It will change the world.

You should underline John 15:12 in your Bible, where Jesus commands us, “Love one another as I have loved you.” This is not an option. He also said, “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you” (Jn 15:9). Jesus told the people He loved that He loved them.

Why is it that men do not do that? Men are embarrassed. They are afraid. It makes them vulnerable. They think to be a man, you don’t go around telling the people you love that you love them; but Jesus told twelve men that He loved them. Then He told us to love others in the same way.

Let me give you a hint: you will never in your life regret that you told your wife and your kids and the people you love that you love them—never. You won’t be lying on your deathbed one day saying, “I can’t believe that I daily told my loved ones that I loved them. What is the matter with me?”

Now, how do you fall in love with someone? You know that you did not get to know your future wife by meeting her once and giving her forty five minutes to an hour once a week. You spent time with her. You got to know her. The same is true with our relationship with God. It might take you months—it might take you years—but you have to do it. You have to keep spending time with God until the answer to the question of whether or not you know God is unequivocally yes.

We need to know who our true Father is. There’s only one Father for everybody: God the Father! That guy you call your dad, he’s the instrument of fatherhood, but he’s not your true Father.

When we talk about our fathers—whether we had a good father, a bad father, a close and supportive father, or a distant and unsupportive father whom we did not know at all—it doesn’t matter as much because the reality is, we all have the same Father in heaven. It’s that Father Who will bring healing to us.

Husbands are called to love God primarily through their wives. Your wife is the sacrament of Christ to you. You are the sacrament of Christ to your wife. When she looks at you, she is supposed to see Jesus Christ. That is why Ephesians 5:22–24 is such a wonderful passage. It says, “Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church, his body, and is himself its Savior. As the Church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands.” Many of us remember the translation that said that wives were to be “submissive to their husbands”. The problem is that many men just stop with their wives being “submissive”. The men love that part, which is why so many women go crazy.

I make this very explicit when I am preaching at a marriage ceremony. I start with the bride and I say, “Sweetheart, you read the Bible every day, don’t you?” At first I usually get a “Yes, Father”, and then I say kiddingly, “If you lie to a priest, you know, you go to hell.” Then she will usually quickly say, “Okay, no, Father.” Then I continue, “Well, there is a verse in Ephesians that says, ‘Wives, be submissive to your husbands, as to the Lord.’ ” And then I ask, “Do you think it means what it says?” And I always get an emphatic “No, Father!” Then I literally jump up and down and scream, “Yes, it means what it says!” When I say this, all the feminists in the crowd become very upset and say things like, “This is another reason I hate the Catholic Church.” And the bride thinks, “Why did we ever get this priest to marry us?” I love this!

Then, as anyone who knows me knows, I am an equal opportunity offender, so I turn to the groom, who usually likes all of this. Now it is time for the other shoe to fall. I then ask the groom, “You read the Bible every day, right?” He always responds, “No, Father.” Then I ask, “Well, do you know what it says in Ephesians after ‘Wives, be submissive to your husbands’?” The groom always shakes his head and says, “No.” Then I continue, “It says, ‘Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her.’ ” Then I ask, “Do you know what that means?” I then continue kiddingly, “Your life is over!” Then I tell them that every day they need to be more concerned about each other than they are about themselves! That is what marriage is about!

So you need to start to do at least one unselfish act for your wife every day. Surprise her. When was the last time you treated her the same way you did when you were still trying to get her to marry you?

Next, let us focus on your children, which I think is easier because they are a part of you. Do we allow our children to be themselves? Some people think that the best father you can be is a strong disciplinarian. Absolutely, I agree. But just as much as you discipline your children, you must also build them up.

Sometimes we are just harsh and we think this is what God wants, but that isn’t the way God is. God loves us. He gives away His life for us. And then He always tells us He loves us. Correct?

One of the roles that men have, given to them by God (see Gen 3:16; 1 Cor 11:3; Eph 5:23), is to be the spiritual leaders of their families. Now this is where I have called men “spiritual wimps” for many years. Many men have let their wives be the spiritual leaders of their families, but this is not the way God created it to be. Now this does not mean that you are the master of your wife and family; it means, like Jesus Christ, you are the servant leader of your family.

First off, this means that you lead by example. You must be a man of prayer. For it is only as a son who listens to his heavenly Father that you can bring the will of the Father to your family. You cannot be a good and true leader unless you are a true and good follower. You must daily spend committed time in prayer with God, then lead your family in prayer. Do you have daily committed time with your family in prayer? And no, grace before meals is not enough!

You need to be the spiritual leader by being a man of sacrifice. You exist to give your life away for others, like Jesus did. That means you give your life for your family first and foremost.

My good friend Danny Abramowicz loves to tell men at men’s conferences: “Men, your kids will always love their mother, but they want to become just like you!” If we are not holy ourselves, then our families will not be holy. It is that simple. God is going to speak to men, women, and children, but He is speaking especially to men to help us be His very image.

You are the sacrament of Fatherhood to your children just like St. Joseph was the sacrament of Fatherhood to Jesus. Just as God used St. Joseph to form Jesus Christ in His humanity, so too does He want to use you to form your children. So I would encourage you before you read any further to stop and ask St. Joseph for his intercession for you so you can grow in holiness.

The Lord God of the universe is calling all of us to be great men, men that are examples of Him and who use Him as our example. We are called to become another Christ in this world. Our goal is to bring others to Him.

Do it and you will live forever.

Tuesdays with Daddy – Selfishness Impedes Service

My daughter has been sick for several days.  Because she is a toddler, it is difficult to really pinpoint what’s happening with her, what hurts and how to make her better.  I’ve been at a loss for exactly what to do, and although we’re trying, she doesn’t seem to be getting better.  At least not as fast I my wife and I would hope.  As I’ve been observing her and contemplating solutions to this problem, I realized something today… selfishness impedes service.  What do I mean?

When you’re in charge of someone else, and their entire well-being stems from your actions, it’s plain to see that they not only rely on you to make good decisions, but to be at their service.  This isn’t to say that I wait hand-and-foot on my children, but it means that my daughters, especially when ill, need me to be selfless in regards to them.  And, I want to be a servant-leader for my family and for the world, which requires me to continually learn how to better serve them.  I look at my life and realize (quite often) how selfish I can be.  I like what I like, the way I like it, when I like it, how I like it.  This gets in the way of my ability to truly serve my family.

Where did my selfish tendencies come from?  Besides my fallen human nature, my tendency toward selfishness stems from my past pornography use.  It made everything I do, even serving my sickly little girl, about me.  Because of this revelation, I realized that the only way to do that is to look to the cross.  I must unite my failures in life to the struggle Christ experienced on the cross so that I am purified of my tendency toward comfort, self-pleasure and ease.  My little girl needs me to be one hundred percent committed to taking care of her and if I don’t watch it, I’ll put myself before her, falling into old patterns and losing sight of the cross.  If this happens, my selfishness has won and drastically impedes my ability to serve.

I urge everyone to take a step back, especially during Holy Week, to evaluate the areas in your life (vicious behavior) that require change.  Figure out how to change those things and continue to work on them until you possess the virtue that overcomes that vice.

Man up!

Tuesdays with Daddy – I Just Want to Hold You

I noticed today, that for the most part, my children aren’t interested in being held by me.  It’s not that I scare them, or that I’m too rough, or that my beard is scruffy on their faces, or anything like that.  It’s that they have other stuff they want to be doing.  On occasion, when a head is bonked, or a toe is stubbed, or a toy is stolen by their sibling and just about every 2 hours or so when that hunger thing comes around, then they come running, arms wide open, running to their daddy asking for something in their time of need.

Consequently, I realized, because of my wonderful children, that many of us are that way with our Heavenly Father.  All He wants is for us to be connected with Him, to be united with Him, to love Him and to be with Him.  More often than not, we want the opposite.  We have other “stuff” we want to do, and we don’t include Him.  He’s going to be there waiting for us, the same way I’m always there waiting for my girls, but wouldn’t it be better for us to run to Him in the good times too, when we’re not in need of something from Him?  I challenge all of us, myself included, to give God our first-fruits.  To give to Him the perfect time, upfront, not just the leftovers.

Man up!

Tuesdays with Daddy – “You Really Do Reap What You Sow”

Another installment of “Tuesdays with Daddy”.  For those who don’t know, I stay home with my two young daughters on Tuesdays and always have something important to blog about.

Today, I realized that we really do reap what we sow.  This morning, as I woke up with my two year old, I was amazed at how sweet she was.  She was saying things to me, like, “Daddy, may I please have some more cereal?” and “Daddy, I love you, VERY MUCH!” and “Daddy, you’re wonderful!”

Do you see where I’m going with this?  She’s repeating back to me phrases and statements (tone is important here, too) that I tell her often.  If I regularly talked to her in rough words, or words that aren’t loving, caring and sincere, she would talk to me that way too.  Eventually, she would probably speak to her teachers, coaches and friends in that same manner.  Instead, I choose to speak to her in the way I want her to speak to me and the rest of the world – lovingly.  (Be assured, I am firm when I need to be firm and scold when I need to scold.)

We really do reap what we sow.  And we’re constantly being watched.  With my girls, I’m being watched all the time.  As a follower of Christ, I simply cannot choose to abandon this responsibility.  I MUST work to exemplify Christ at all times.  I drop the ball quite often (as many of you know) but continue to get up and fight.  It’s a lot of responsibility, but if we expect to see change in our world for God, we must take this challenge on.

In your own life, I challenge you to figure out what you are sowing.  Are you sowing love?  Are you sowing anger, hatred, lust?  We really do reap what we sow.

Man up!

The Most Important Relationship of Their Lives

I have the privilege of staying home with my daughters on Tuesdays.  Technically, it’s my day off every week.  I cherish Tuesdays with them and know that I am blessed to be able to have such dedicated and devoted time taking care of them.  I cherish this time because I know, without a doubt, that there will never be a more important relationship in either of my daughter’s lives than their relationship with me.  I don’t say this out of pride or out of attention-seeking.  I say this because it is the truth.

Think about it… where does a young girl learn about love?  Where does a young girl learn how to be treated?  Where does a young girl develop her idea of what her future will hold?  Where does a young girl learn self-respect and self-esteem?  From her father.  [This is NOT to underscore the relationships a young girl has with anyone else, especially her mother.  It is to show that a father has a vital role in the future of his daughters.  In my estimation, the most vital role.]  Her father must demonstrate love; love of his spouse, love of his children, love of his God.  What happens if a father doesn’t fulfill this role or if he fails to fulfill it in the correct way?  Simple, the child’s understanding of how a man should act and treat others is skewed.  This skewed understanding can lead to multiple problems, namely disordered relationships.

Fathers, love your wives.  Set the example for your daughters of how they should expect a man to treat them.  Teach them to set the bar high and to never settle for less than the best.  If they see you being disrespectful, unloving and/or hurtful towards their mother, they are going to grow up thinking that similar behavior is normal and okay.  It’s not.  They will learn not only what love is, but more importantly, how to love and how to receive love from your example.  It is a big responsibility, but that’s what you signed up for when you had sex with your wife. 

Man up!

Fatherhood Friday – The Love of a Father

I have two daughters.  Lily and Emma.  They are amazing and sweet little children.  They mean the world to me.  I would do anything for them.  As I think about how I treat them… with such love and admiration, with kisses and hugs, snuggles and story time, prayer and discipline… I know, without a doubt, that my relationship with them is the most important relationship they will ever have.  This isn’t to toot my own horn!  Expand it in a broad sense: the most important relationship any young girl has is with her father.  I do not take this responsibility lightly.  At the foundation of all of their coming relationships (friendship/romantic/work/personal/professional) is the love that I show them.  The burden lies solely on my shoulders, to show them how wonderful and precious they are.  It’s my responsibility, as their protector and defender, to prepare them for the world.  I must encourage them and build them up.  I must help them to see the jewel that they are, the treasure that they are, the perfect creation that they are.  A huge part in showing them this love is by loving my wife in the way that proves to all three of them that my wife is a jewel, a treasure and a perfect creation.

It is my goal, in my relationship with my girls, to have them set their bar high, to never settle, to never feel inferior or to never doubt their abilities.  This is a monstrous goal.  It is a gigantic task.

Man up!

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