The TrueManhood Podcast Episode 5 – Hyper-male vs. Effeminate Male

Dave compares the world’s idea of masculinity, discussing the vice of excess, and what he calls “The Hyper-male” contrasted by the vice of deficiency, and what he calls “The Effeminate-male”. Neither of these ideas about masculinity are correct. Instead, all males should strive for TrueManhood – being like Christ.

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Cultural Manliness Vlog – Get Your Gear On

Happy Lent 2014.  Ok, well maybe it’s not happy… it’s not supposed to be.  Either way, I’m pumped about Lent this year!  I’m ready to dive into my Lenten devotions so that I can work on growing in virtue, specifically through personal discipline and self-control.

Here’s a vlog on Cultural Manliness, encouraging men to be counter-cultural and to “get your gear on, and pack up.”

TrueMan up!

A Message from Dads.org Founder, Steve Wood

Here’s the latest message from Dads.org Founder, Steve Wood…

Raising Boys to Men in an Effeminate Culture

I’d like to extend a special welcome to the three hundred new subscribers who recently signed up for this newsletter after seeing the re-broadcasts of my EWTN series The Carpenter’s Shop.

The re-broadcast of this series brought to mind my interview with Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, author of A Parent’s Guide to Preventing Homosexuality. Dr. Nicolosi, an orthodox Catholic psychologist, is the world’s leading expert in treating youth experiencing gender identity confusion, or struggling with homosexuality. This interview also sparked my desire to reprint one of my favorite articles that I’ve written over the years: Lessons for Dads from Secondhand Lions.

Lots of Christian parents who had assumed homosexuality could never strike a loved one in their family now realize how wrong they were to be complacent about this terrible threat.

If you think homosexuality can’t possibly strike any of your children, take note of a survey of 34,706 12-year-olds from Minnesota. The survey found that 25.9 percent of these kids weren’t sure whether they were homosexual or heterosexual. That’s astounding. However at the age of 12 a child isn’t suffering from homosexuality but rather a gender identity confusion, which is a fixable problem.

Much better than trying to fix a problem is preventing it. Dr. Nicolosi is crystal clear that the best way to prevent homosexuality is for a father to be lovingly involved in his son’s life. A son’s attachment to his father as he matures throughout boyhood and adolescence is the key for his healthy masculine development. To put it simply – it takes a man to make a man out of a boy.

I strongly recommend the following four steps to learn how a father (grandfather, uncle, coach, scout leader, or a mentor) helps a boy become a man:

Step 1 – Read the article below, Lessons for Dads from Secondhand Lions

Step 2 – Watch the movie, Secondhand Lions

Step 3 – Read A Parent’s Guide to Preventing Homosexuality

Step 4 – Watch Secondhand Lions a second time

The four-step plan outlined above is perfect for individual fathers and it is an ideal study plan for a men’s small group.

The most frequent parenting mistake I see is the failure to anticipate the needs of teenagers during early childhood. Another mistake is failing to anticipate the needs of young adults during the teenage years. Make no mistake: you have to be at least one or two steps ahead of your children. Take action now to prevent your children from getting caught up in the worldwide spread of homosexuality.

Lessons for Dads from Secondhand Lions

My movie recommendations are hopelessly obsolete since by the time I get around to seeing a movie it is usually about to leave theaters. So this article isn’t a preview, but a reflection on a fascinating film for fathers.

Secondhand Lions featuresWalter, a shy and awkward boy being raised by an irresponsible single mom with multiple boyfriends. Walter is abandoned for the summer when his mother drops him off at the rundown, rural Texas home of his great uncles.

At the difficult stage of life when a boy needs to mature into his manhood, Walter seems to have every conceivable strike against his healthy development. Yet Walter’s manhood miraculously matures as a result of his relationship with two cranky old men.

Garth and Hub (Michael Caine and Robert Duvall) are the gruff-talking, shotgun-toting, anti-social, rough-around-the-edges, great uncles. They sure don’t have Ph.D.’s in developmental psychology, and at first they don’t seem particularly interested in helping to make a man out of Walter. In fact, Garth and Hub seem like the worst possible father-substitutes for this semi-orphaned boy. Yet they do a marvelous job in helping Walter make the transition from boyhood to manhood.

Here are Garth and Hub’s secrets for turning this boy into a young man: Shoot, fish, eat, work, ride in the truck, and have lots of fun as guys – not really too complicated. They just did all this stuff together and, despite having every social strike against him, Walter grows into a well-adjusted man.

It takes a man to convey and confirm masculinity to a boy. It doesn’t come via auto-pilot. It doesn’t come from the most committed and talented mother, or female teacher. Dad, let me repeat this: It takes a man to help a boy develop his masculinity. I wrote this in The ABCs of Choosing a Good Husband:

“A young boy is naturally drawn into a close attachment to his mother. Being a ‘mama’s boy’ under seven years of age is fine and healthy. And yet for a boy to mature fully in his masculinity, he needs to ‘detach’ from Mom and form a closer attachment with his father throughout older boyhood and adolescence.

A boy matures into manhood through this close identification with his father. Once a young man has fully matured in this way, he’s ready for a close reattachment to a woman — his wife. But it’s extremely difficult for a boy to mature in his masculinity without the presence of a father.”

When boys don’t have men to help them mature, they turn out haywire – hoods and homosexuals are just two extreme types of boys who don’t make the transition to manhood.

The hoods in Secondhand Lions who pull switchblades and try (quite unsuccessfully) to rough up Robert Duvall were asserting their pseudo-masculinity. After the fight, Duvall befriends the hoods and takes them home. He recognizes that these young toughs have a deficiency of real manhood. So he gives them his “man talk” to help them become real men. After observing this, Walter wisely senses his own need for the “man talk” and desperately pleads for one.

Although frequently unacknowledged, homosexuality and gender-confusion also stem from the failure to make the successful transition from boyhood to manhood. Homosexuality is now a common phenomenon among Catholic teens and twenties.

What should Catholic parents of a homosexual or gender-confused child do? The last thing I would advise is heeding the document, “Always Our Children.” I also advise keeping your children far from anyone or anything associated with the National Association of Catholic Diocesan Lesbian and Gay Ministries . Homosexuality and gender confusion are serious problems requiring solid psychological advice.

Dr. Joseph Nicolosi is on my short-list of reliable Catholic psychologists. Every Catholic dad should read his book, A Parent’s Guide to Preventing Homosexuality.

Dr. Nicolosi, who has spoken with hundreds of homosexual men over the past fifteen years, says, “I have never met a single homosexual man who said he had a close, loving, and respectful relationship with his father. I have never known a single case of a homosexual man who was not wounded in his relationships within the male world.”

Dr. Nicolosi asserts, “Fathers make men.” He describes how boys have a critical developmental task that girls don’t. A boy needs “to disidentify from his mother and identify with his father” if he is to grow into a normal heterosexual man. “Every boy has a deep longing to be held, to be loved by a father figure, to be mentored into the world of men, and to have his masculine nature affirmed and declared good enough by his male peers, his male elders, and mentors.”

On a recent live radio show with Dr. Nicolosi as my guest, we received a call from a concerned mother about her son’s masculine development. Dr. Nicolosi asked her, “How is your son’s relationship with his father?” She said, “Oh it’s great. They’re buddies, they play sports together all the time, and they hunt and fish together.” Dr. Nicolosi said, “Everything’s okay, there will be no problems.” The mother, not entirely convinced, went on to voice additional concerns when Dr. Nicolosi interrupted her and confidently predicted that this boy will turn out just fine thanks to his relationship with his father.

Secondhand Lions is an encouraging film for dads raising sons in our gender-confused and lack-of-genuine-manhood culture. If Garth and Hub, a pair of cranky and slightly crazy great-uncles, can lead Walter into his manhood, you can too. Garth and Hub weren’t perfect by a long shot, but they did share their lives and their manhood with Walter. It was a priceless gift.

Don’t let yourself be absorbed by your career and your personal sports and hobbies apart from your sons. You’ve got to be with your sons in order to share your manhood with them. Your wife can’t do this job for you. Expensive toys will not fill this void in your son. It takes you to lead your son into his manhood.

So, sweat with your sons while doing physical work together. Fish and go boating this summer. Shoot some skeet next fall. Maybe fix up an old truck and go places (boys really like going through dirt and mud). Finally, engage in some slightly risk-taking fun with them – deeply religious dads sometimes forget this vital “risky-fun” component of fathering sons. (My attorney advises me against giving specific recommendations, but I’m sure you can come up with something!)

No, Ken Doll DOESN’T Make Metrosexual Cool

Maybe you’ve heard this… some people think that Ken (from Toy Story 3) makes being ‘metrosexual’ cool.  Ummm… well… no.  Being metrosexual isn’t cool.  More importantly, being metrosexual isn’t virtuous, so therefore, it’s not manly.

What is metrosexual?  From my research, there’s not one widely-agreed-upon definition.  Personally, I think Wikipedia actually got it right for once… “Metrosexual… a man who has a strong concern for his appearance or a lifestyle that displays attributes stereotypically associated with homosexual men, although he is not homosexual.”  Manicures, pedicures, facials, ridiculous hair treatments, eyebrow plucking, spray-on tanner, gossip magazines/sites… ugh.  Short-tempered.  Shallow and selfish – “Solid ride. Solid physique. Solid hair.  Solid.”

Please note, there is a drastic difference between being a metrosexual and a gentleman.  A gentleman is concerned with his appearance, but not overly concerned with it and never in a self-centered or conceited way.  A gentleman is prudent in his decisions, temperate in his actions, courageous in all things and seeks justice for all.  A gentleman lives an ordered life, not the disordered life of a metrosexual.  A gentleman is authentically masculine while a metrosexual is effeminate.  A gentleman praises others, while a metrosexual seeks praise as an end, in and of itself.  A gentleman always respects a woman and fights to defend her.  Sometimes, women are falsely drawn towards metrosexual men, often times because metros are more tender and understanding (all emotional)… see how Barbie feels about Ken initially in the video below.  These women typically end up hurt and alone because those characteristics wear off eventually, leaving the woman in pain and alone.

Back to Ken… the dolldude obviously has issues… attachment to worldly possessions, personal appearance and a desire for shallow and empty “swagger”.  “A whole room, just for trying on clothes.”  Come on, Ken.

TrueMan up!

The Death of Masculinity Article

I came across this post and thought it would be good to post.  (Find it HERE.)  It backs up what I write.  Virtue men, virtue!

Man up!

The Death of Masculinity

Masculinity is dying a quick death. It is attacked from all sides, for example:

-Radical feminists say that being masculine is anti-woman.

-The feminized man is esteemed (esp. those who have a same sex attraction).

-Fathers are portrayed as blundering idiots in media.

It doesn’t help that some modern cultures (e.g., China , Muslim countries, etc) revere the masculine to the detriment of women, just as our own did not so long ago. This is a macho-only kind of mentality which is truly harmful (warning: graphic images) to women and girls.

So, what is a man to do? Our modern world swings between two extremes that both tear down true masculinity – on the one side is the overly-macho crap and on the other is the emasculated feminization of masculinity.

The answer lies in the root of the problem, which started “in the beginning.”

Adam was given the commission by God to “to cultivate and care for” the Garden of Eden and all that was in it (Gen 2:15). Adam messed up soon after. He fails to protect his wife, because he is a coward. He then blames his wife and in doing so he relinquishes his masculinity. Notice that after giving up his masculinity he quickly falls into lusting after his wife, which is why they have to cover themselves – to protect themselves from the lust of the other.

We still suffer from the same issues.

The modern man has also relinquished his masculinity by failing to have self-control. The modern man is an emasculated macho fool who has given in to his pornified passions and lives a sterile and contracepted life – he bears no fruit, literally and figuratively.

These issues are not only killing masculinity, they are also killing femininity. Because only when masculinity is truly lived properly will femininity flourish.

So, where do we start? We start with discovering what a real man is NOT:

A real man is not emasculated ninny.

Neither is a real man a testosterone infused sack of passions.

A real man is this -> a man who desperately seeks to follow in the footsteps of THE MAN.

He will be courageous in the face of danger.

He will fight for and maintain self control.

He will put to death his lusts.

He will be in control of his emotions and yet not afraid of them.

He will find himself in losing himself.

He is humble, but sure of the gifts God has given him.

He is gentle when he should be and rough when necessary.

He is a man of strength of character and his word means something.

He fulfills his promises.

He isn’t ashamed of his Lord or either of his mothers.

He will put life in the proper order – 1 – God; 2 – His wife (if he has one); 3 – His children (if he has them) 4 – Others; 5 – Himself

A real man isn’t afraid of his masculine traits, but embraces them as a gift from God. He doesn’t abuse them, but understands the way to use them in service of God and others.

It is time we men resurrect true masculinity.

Prove It

There’s an aspect to manliness that I haven’t mentioned on the site, to date, and I want to bring it into the fold.  The aspect of “proving your manliness” is an underlying requirement to achieving TrueManhood.  Throughout all of time, in great civilizations and in small, young boys have had to prove their ability to be considered a man by the rest of the men.  Whether it was killing an animal, conquering a task, going on an adventure or enduring a trial of some sort, young boys weren’t considered a part of the group of men unless they accomplished the task.  Proving one’s manliness is something that we have forgotten in America.

How can we get back to proving one’s manliness, especially in light of the requirements that our world puts out there for guys “to be manly”?  How can we get back to this when what we talk about most on the site, in regards to TrueManhood, is virtue?  I think the answer lies somewhere between the older men (fathers, grandfathers, senior men, etc.)  setting an example of manliness and the young-to-middle-aged-men who have proven themselves as TrueMen to hold a standard of excellence as the requirements for boys and young men who have yet to prove themselves as TrueMen.  Somewhere along the way, we let go of the standard of excellence and now we are faced with the cultural issues of boys acting as if life was a fast action, shoot ’em up movie or the opposite, where we have overly-effeminate males walking around aimlessly.

Why would proving manliness change anything?  Well, if young boys/men knew that they had to prove their manliness (note: this must happen through a rigorous process of proving that their actions are consistently ordered towards the good) before they could ask a girl on a date, before they could have a job, before they could have any responsibility, etc. I think it would greatly change the level of importance put on manliness, which is needed in the worst way.

Man up!

"Today’s Women are Expected to Pine Over Break-Dancers Who Own Hair Dryers & Wear Skinny Jeans”

I saw this on Facebook and had to post it:

Charlton Heston v. Zac Efron: Is ‘The Pill’ Making Masculinity a Thing of the Past?
by Katie Walker 
Washington, D.C. (08 October 2009) – A British researcher has added to the growing body of evidence showing the link between the birth control pill and the rise of the effeminate heartthrob.

Dr. Alexandra Alvergne, of the University of Sheffield, says the hormones in the pill and other hormonal contraceptives suppress a woman’s interest in masculine men and make boyish men more attractive, reports the UK’s Daily Mail.

According to the theory, the Pill could contribute to the rising popularity of effeminate men in the last 40 years.

“We’ve gone from 1940s and 50s manly heroes Charlton Heston and Sean Connery to today’s baby-faced heartthrobs like Zac Efron and Johnny Depp,” said Katie Walker, American Life League’s communications director. “More reasons to never, ever go on the pill.”

The research confirms an August 2008 study from scientists at the University of Liverpool showing that “when the women started taking the pill, their preferences shifted towards the scent of men with more similar genes to their own.”

ALL’s project director for “The Pill Kills Day,” Marie Hahnenberg, reported on the potential hazards this places on relationships.

“There is mounting evidence that the pill can seriously disturb a woman’s healthy, natural tendency to be drawn toward a mate with different immune system genes. This, in turn, can lead to having a genetically similar mate, which increases the risk of infertility and miscarriages. It also means that the pill can change a woman’s love interest so much that she could end up in a relationship with someone to whom she normally wouldn’t be attracted.”

American Life League’s “Pill Kills” project is dedicated to exposing the hidden emotional and physical ramifications of the birth control pill.  In August 2008, ALL’s Michael Hichborn also released a video reporting on the hormonal phenomenon of “Pill Googles.”

“While previous generations of women dreamt about rugged intellectuals carrying them off into the sunset, today’s women are expected to pine over break-dancers who own hair dryers and wear skinny jeans,” Walker said. “Give me Charlton Heston any day.”

American Life League was cofounded in 1979 by Judie Brown. It is the largest grassroots Catholic pro-life organization in the United States and is committed to the protection of all innocent human beings from the moment of creation to natural death.  Visit their website at www.all.org.

Man up!