Ep.15 – How to Fight Lust

Dave discusses an article he recently read, suggesting that a person struggling with pornography should fight their anger – he disagrees. In this episode, he’ll give a better understanding of how to fight lust, or any other vice someone might struggle with. Dave also gives his parenting advice on the topic of teaching your kids expectations.

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“Tuesdays with Daddy” are BACK!

In the early days of TrueManhood, going back to the earliest version of these posts in November of 2009, I began writing posts entitled “Tuesdays with Daddy”.  At the time, because I worked lots of nights and weekends, I was able to work my schedule so that I could stay home on Tuesdays, which afforded me special time with my children.  Back in 2009, my wife and I had our first two children; our young daughters… only 2 and 1 years old.  At that point, parenting – especially the aspect of being a great father – was foremost on my mind.  I was trying to figure out just how to parent and wanted to give my kids everything they could ever need, especially a spiritual foundation that was strong in our Lord Jesus Christ and His Church.  I wanted to be a super dad.  Now, nearly a decade later, I still want to give them everything, and I work hard to be a super dad, but it looks a bit different.

Experience. Wisdom.  Suspense.  Heartache. Frustration.  Exhaustion.  Trial and error; okay, maybe more error than anything. Lots of words can be used to describe parenting.  However we slice it, life comes at us hard and fast, and kids develop quickly, and as parents, we have to stay on top of our game.  These days, my four children are in such a cool place.  They are incredibly active (involved in great academic endeavors, playing numerous team sports, training in mixed martial arts, studying piano and voice, becoming young chefs, and open to all kinds of activities and experiences!), not to mention that they are all at the ages where we can begin to have deep conversations that are meaningful, formative, and long-lasting.  Their spiritual formation is “on point”, as the cool kids say, and they can reasonably make their way through questions of faith, apologetics, and morals.  They’re pretty young for those types of deep convos, but I embrace it and can’t wait to share more with you!  My wife tends to meet with counseling clients on Tuesday afternoons and evenings, and that means that I find myself back with some special time with them on Tuesdays!  Hence, “Tuesdays with Daddy” are back.  I likely won’t be posting every Tuesday, but when good content pops up, you’ll be the first to read about it.

This first-post-back, I don’t have a radical story from Tuesday.  Rather than take you through the daily grind, I want to share a few experiences that occurred recently and how we worked through them.  First off, my son turned 7 a few days ago, and he received Heely’s from Grandma in the mail.  (Heely’s are shoes with wheels in the soul, like one-wheel roller skate shoes.)  He wanted to take the little wheel-removal-tool and be able to swap the wheels in and out.  I “ixnayed” that quickly because I know that once those wheels come out, either 1. They’ll be lost or 2. They’ll never go back in quite right, rendering the shoe worthless.  But, he’s 7 and likes to push the limits, so… he asked me about three times if he could have the tool.  He then asked my wife where the tool was, “just in case I ever need it”, he said, and then after dinner, I spotted him looking for the tool again.  I called him over, and firmly gave him my clear expectations.  After I laid out numerous reasons why he would forfeit his shoes to me if he took the wheels out, I had him repeat back to me what I just told him.  He heard me, repeated it back verbatim, and I highly doubt that he’ll ever try to take the wheels out.  So, it’s not really about the shoes or the wheels.  It’s not about his age.  It’s not about letting him make mistakes on his own terms  For me, it was about him knowing that I set a clear expectation for him and that there would be a clear consequence should he break the rule.  

Over the decade-plus of my being a dad, I’ve realized that there are plenty of times to take a stand, and plenty of times to let things slide.  The hardest part is knowing the difference.  This brings me to another great parenting point… and I certainly didn’t coin it, but absolutely believe in this principle wholeheartedly… “rules without relationship will end in rebellion.”  If a child only receives rules and punishment when he breaks them, but doesn’t understand the reasoning behind the rules, or the reasoning behind it doesn’t come from a place of love, then they will inevitably rebel.  David Jr. knows from the relationship that we have, that “Daddy is hard on you but you can absolutely live up to the expectation because you are good, you are loved, and you are so stinkin’ awesome!”

Another event that happened on Tuesday was the simple opportunity to cuddle with my 5 year old.  Her name is Maria and she is the “baby of the family.”  She is so incredible, and all she wants is to cuddle into Daddy’s arms and talk, or watch a home improvement show, or just “be”.  To the dads out there who are reading this, are you giving your kids enough physical touch?  They are in serious developmental stages and physical touch is proven to improve their self-confidence, their ability to thrive academically, and their emotional well-being.  Evaluate yourself hard on this and step your game up, especially for that one troublesome child you have, that is hardest to love.  They are the one who needs it the most.

As “Tuesdays with Daddy” pick back up, I hope to bring some practical aspects of parenting to the table, and share our crazy-ish life, hopefully to help others, and perhaps just to make you crack a smile.

TrueMan up!

Being a Dad is Awesome – #HowToDad

I came across this great commercial.  I can’t really describe how awesome it is; watch it down below.  In our world that is so degrading and emasculating to men, and likes to poke fun at the “stupid man”, and the “incapable father”, and so on, this video kills it.  Really awesome.

Watch it and then read below for my thoughts:

I’m not really sure where to begin.  This commercial really is great, and has so many good things in it.  I’ll start from the top, and will hit the big points:

• Kid jumps on Dad – Dad doesn’t freak out, throw him off, or yell at him.  He takes it as it comes, and shows the kid the attention he both deserves, and desires.  He then “rough-houses” with the kid by throwing him over onto, and off of, the other side of the bed.  No one had to call the cops, the kid was fine.
• “My name is “DAD!”, and proud of it!” – yes!  So thankful that he’s proud of this ever-so-important title.  To kids, Dad is everything.  So Dads… be everything to them!
• Dad then goes through a slew of reasons why kids think Dads are awesome.  Notice that “being high strung” and “overly critical” aren’t listed.
• “We lead by example.”  yes, yes, and yes!  I’ve written about this many times.  Search Fatherhood, or look in the blog roll under Fatherhood for more.
• “Hot stuff comin’ through; the coffee and the wife.”  A man who loves his wife like crazy (and thinks that she’s “hot stuff”) sets the best example his kids could ever have.  For the boys, it teaches them how to love their future spouse, and for the girls, it teaches them how they ought to be treated by their future spouse.  Great stuff!
• This Dad is highly positive.  This is so important in the lives of our kids.  There are plenty of statistics out there, but most of them will say something to the effect of… kids need to hear 10 positive comments to outweigh 1 negative comment.  Dads – get to being positive, affirming, and encouraging to your kids!
• “Now, Dadhood isn’t always easy.”  No kidding!  Kids need clear expectations and clear consequences.  Hold them to both and they’ll grow to be wonderful adults. Being true to that is difficult, but really rewarding.

I’ve now watched this video about 20 times in the past day.  Every time I watch it, I pick up something else.  Watch it more than once, share it with your spouse, your kids, and then take some time to sit down and talk about how you’re doing as a dad.  Are you the “awesome Dad” that’s talked about in this video?  Have you said “yes to dressup”, and “made a great fort” lately?  Have you loved your wife, been positive to your kids, and enforced discipline and responsibility?  Now that’s #howtodad!  [Be sure to check out the other How to Dad videos, they’re about 00:16 seconds each.]

Being a great Dad doesn’t take just one thing, it doesn’t require just one characteristic, and it doesn’t happen over night.  We have to work at it, pick ourselves up when we fall down, apologize to our kids (with heartfelt sentiments) when we mess up, and never forget how important our role as Dad is.  Keep it up, they deserve nothing but your best!

TrueMan up!

The Tragedy of a Fatherless Child (Cont.)

As I’ve been thinking about my last post, I feel as if I did this topic no justice.  Obviously, it would take pages and pages of writing to even hit the surface of the effects on a child without a father, yet I want to go just a bit deeper than I originally did. 

The tragedy of a fatherless child – these words don’t even make sense.  It’s an oxymoron, to say that a child doesn’t have a father.  It’s against nature, as we all know.  The effects of these words are evident.  A child without a father is like a pilot without a flight plan, a builder without blueprints, a quarterback with no game plan or signal coach.  Every child needs guidance, discipline, clear expectations and help, just to mention a few things.  When a child goes through life without guidance and direction, they cling to what society shows them will bring them happiness.  Many times, the happiness they find is actually a smoke screen, an illusion of happiness.  Without guidance and direction, a child clings to what they believe will replace their father, or in some cases, they cling to what is opposite of their father as a way of revenge against the father not being present during adolescence. 

What happens to many fatherless children is that they perpetuate this cycle, as we’ve already discussed many times.  It takes strong individuals, who make wise decisions, to break the cycle.  When the cycle is broken, (or in the rare-case where the cycle never started) we see glimpses of hope and change.  Please note, just because a father is present doesn’t mean that a child will automatically turn out great.  On the contrary, it requires a strong man (and his wife) to educate, influence and guide their children through every step of adolescence and youth.

Man up!