Various Kinds of Dads

I was just washing the dishes (yes, I do dishes) and was thinking about my parenting style, what kind of Dad I am, and it brought to mind a bunch of different kinds of fathering-traits.

Some thoughts on the kinds of dads that I’ve either exemplified, or other kinds of dads I’ve come across.

• SPORTS-CRAZY DAD – The dad that just can’t be easy going at the games, and when
  games aren’t going on, they’re living vicariously through their kid as if it was the pros.
• The “I DON’T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO MY KIDS SO I DON’T TALK TO THEM AT ALL DAD” – Dads who are either not educated enough on various topics, or who lack communication skills, or who just won’t take the time to learn about their kids so they fail to talk to them at all, about anything.
• The “I DON’T UNDERSTAND GIRL-STUFF SO MY DAUGHTERS AND I ARE COMPLETELY DISCONNECTED DAD” –  Similar to the above, but specific to daughters and “female issues” – of all kinds.  And there’s lots.
• SCREAMER-DAD – Everything gets this dad going, in a bad direction, and he just screams about it.  Less than effective, if you ask me.  Think: “Don’t make me stop this vehicle!”  or “Do it, or else.”
• INTIMIDATION-DAD (“IntimiDad”) – IntimiDad uses his size, stature, and position of authority to try to force his children to do things.  I typically see this with toddlers.  It doesn’t work.  Again, think: “Do it, or else.”
• OVER-COMMITTED DAD (works too much or is involved in too much) – I’ve written many times before about what kids really want and need from us.  They want us, our time, and that’s how they see and experience our love.  “Kids spell love T-I-M-E.
• TEACHER-DAD – This dad is patient and discusses various things with his children so that they learn from him.  Even when he doesn’t think his kids are listening, he teaches, simply to plant a seed and begin the discussion.  I think I’m this kind of dad most of the time.
• SWEET-DAD – This dad is emotionally sensitive, and takes the opportunity, especially with his daughters, to be sweet.  This isn’t overly sentimental, this is the right amount of sentimentality because let’s face it, sometimes our kids just need it.  Our daughters need sensitivity, and at the right time in the right amount, so do our sons.
• GIFT-GIVING DAD – Don’t buy your kids love, ok sir?  Don’t make it “okay” that you’re not in their lives simply because you buy them stuff.  Now, if your gifts are thoughtful, and you bought it for them because you know them and know they’d really like the thing, and really appreciate it, and that they’ll know you know them, then good on ya.
• APATHETIC-DAD – I see this all too often, unfortunately.  This attitude can extend directly to the children because he just doesn’t care about them (either because he’s too ego-centric, self-centered, or just that insensitive) or because he’s flat out lazy.  “Mom’s got it.”  “Mom’ll talk to ‘em.”  “Honey, you’ve got this one, right?”  Stop it.
• PROUD-OF-MY-KID-NO-MATTER-WHAT-DAD – Thank you for not putting up pretentious walls, facades, or displays surrounding your kid.  They’re your kid and you love them and are proud of them no matter what their accomplishments, likeability, or style.

I’m certain that I could write and write and write on this topic.  There are so many kinds of fathers out there, and so many traits (good and bad) that could be discussed.  Many of them we have discussed in the past and will continue to discuss in the future.

Remember an important concept to TrueManhood… our children learn what is right and wrong by watching us.  If we want our boys to grow into TrueManhood, and our daughters to meet and marry a TrueMan, then we must show them what that is.  “Jesus answered and said to them, “Amen, amen, I say to you, a son cannot do anything on his own, but only what he sees his father doing; for what he does, his son will do also.  For the Father loves his Son and shows him everything that he himself does, and he will show him greater works than these, so that you may be amazed.” John 5:19-20.  A major component here is how we treat our wife.  Being a great-TrueMan-dad, means being a great husband first.

Thanks to my dad, Tony, for being an absolutely awesome dad!  I have many fond memories of my childhood, and am so blessed to have him help me to raise my kids now, but there’s a concept that I always return to when I think about my relationship with my dad, and it’s this: he always SHOWED me how to be a man.  He lived it.  He didn’t have to say a lot, he lived it.  I saw, first and foremost, that he loved/s my mother.  That is who he is, as a man; he’s a husband, and all else stems from that.

TrueMan up!

Four Days For Fathers – Day 4

What an incredible gift it is to be a father!  In the past 3 years, I have learned so much about myself, about life, about love, about commitment, about perseverance, about patience, about truth… all from my little girls.  There’s no doubt in my mind, being a father is the best thing in the world.

Thank you, to my wife, Catherine.  Without you, I wouldn’t be the man I am today and I wouldn’t have the incredible children that I have.  I love you.  You are my bestfriend and my inspiration.

Thank you, to my children…

Lily Bear – You are so sweet and loving.  You are a wonderful ‘oldest’ sister.  You brighten everyday for me.

Emmie Bear – You are so full of joy and your smiles warm my heart.  You make me laugh and are so excited about Baby, which encourages me too!

Baby DiNuzzo – You are so loved, and we’ve never even met you.  You make Father’s Day special in your own unique way.

Love, Daddy Bear

*** Best part of Father’s Day 2010… time with my family on a beautiful Colorado day, and my children behaved in Mass!

Four Days For Fathers – Day 3

Day 2’s post brings to mind another topic about fathers and sons that should be addressed.  There are a great number of people, both men and women, that believe that men can’t be sentimental, affectionate or caring.  If they are, then they must be effeminate, homosexual or other.  These same people believe that a father shouldn’t have to tell his son that he loves him… that the boy should know merely by what his father does.  Usually, the father (in this sort of situation) ‘shows’ his love by his hard work, by his determination, by what he provides for his family.  What’s lacking, though, is the verbal communication between father and son.  Without this communication, a large gap can take place where the son is longing for affirmation and the father is scared to share his feelings, in fear of not appearing ‘manly enough’ for his child.

Usually, what a son wants most in life (at least at a young age) is to make his father proud of him.  When the son doesn’t receive the communication he desires from his father, it typically results in one of two scenarios.  1. He vows to be a different and better kind of father to his own children… or 2. he perpetuates the problem with his own children.

It’s a bit different between a father and his daughters – a sensitive father of daughters is looked at as if he’s doing it right.  Firm, with high expectations, yet loving, tender and caring.

I know that many of you reading this post have daddy-shaped-holes in your life.  I realize that reading about it and thinking about it may be difficult.  While that may be true, I know that a solid way to get over the problems is to bring them to the light, to discuss them and to try to move past them.  The only way to really get over them is to realize that God the Father is your loving father in Heaven and that He has plans for your welfare.  (Read Jeremiah 29:11.)

Also, I want to address a topic from my first paragraph.  Above, I wrote “There are a great number of people, both men and women, that believe that men can’t be sentimental, affectionate or caring.  If they are, then they must be effeminate, homosexual or other.” A TrueMan is not effeminate or homosexual, but is virtuous.  Virtue is the only way for a man to fully live out ‘manliness’.  Period.

Fathers – talk with your children, grown or young.  Set the example of how to love but also commit to saying the words “I love you” on a regular basis.  I recommend saying it every chance you get.

TrueMan up!

Four Days For Fathers – Day 2

Ok… considering that (because you read last post – hint hint, wink wink) we’re now working on the relationship aspect of Father’s Day with our dads, here are some gift ideas that may be a little “out of the box”.  Not everyone is going to like all of these, so just try something if it catches your eye.  These gifts might help with building the relationship…

1. Do something with your father that he enjoys.  (This does not include watching television.)  Quality time.
2. Get two copies of a book on a topic that will interest your dad.  Read it and discuss it with him.
3. Share your favorite memories with your dad by writing them down in a journal/book and then give him the journal.
4. [If you have the means…] take your dad on a surprise vacation.  Maybe to the country where his family is from? Or a place he’s always wanted to visit?

Whatever you decide to do for your dad on Father’s Day, make it more than just about the gift.  Make it about him, about your relationship with him and about the important things in life.  I realize that some of you are estranged with your dad.  If that’s the case, I recommend taking the high road (when appropriate) and rectify.  Apologize for what you have done to make the situation bad and then accept any apology that may be given.  I also realize that when parents and their children become estranged, the situations are always complex and may take more than a simple apology.  The common link that all of the situations that have been rectified have in common… they all, at the very least, started somewhere.

TrueMan up!

Four Days For Fathers – Day 1

I was asked a question today: “What’s a good gift to get a dad on Father’s Day?” Before I had a chance to answer, the small group ofpeople I was speaking with went around with ideas. One guy said “I always get my dad some joke gifts”, another said “My dad likes gadgets”. Another mentioned that their dad really likes to grill so grill accessories are a Father’s Day favorite for their family. One guy mentioned that he waits until his sister tells him how much money he owes her for his portion of the gift that year. Finally, I said “I don’t need anything, so my perfect gift would be a relaxing day with my family.”

I didn’t realize until after the conversation that there’s a huge problem with Father’s Day and it was made very clear to me when I started thinking about the question again. The same problem occurs with lots of other holidays. We all know what the problem is, but by our actions, we perpetuate the problem. What could possibly be the problem with Father’s Day? Materialism. We make this day of celebrating Dads about what we get them, not about them, or spending time with them, or actually investing in them. Fathers should have relationships with their children. Relationships can’t be successful if they’re only about what each person buys for the other. This all sounds so obvious, but I think in our fast paced world we fail to remember what the purpose of days like Father’s Day are all about.

If I could urge you to do one thing this Father’s Day… I suggest that you spend time thinking about how you can make your relationship with your father better. If you have a great relationship with your father already, think about how you can grow closer together by helping others. If your relationship with your father isn’t where you want it to be, then think about how you can grow closer. Maybe start by making a phone call, writing a letter (on paper) or stopping by.

If you’re a father, think about how you can make your relationship with your children better. You’re the father, so act like it.

Now, please understand that I don’t think that gift giving is sinful, or bad, or negative in-and-of-itself. It’s a nice thing, and we all enjoy receiving thoughtful gifts. I just think Father’s Day has to be about more than trinkets, gadgets, grill accessories or neck ties.

TrueMan up!