From Her Perspective

The following is a poem written by a woman – a wife, a mother – that was devastated by her husbands addiction to pornography.  I don’t know the name of the poet, but I’ve spoken with many women who share her feelings.  Please take a few minutes and read this powerful poem.

“I Looked For Love in Your Eyes.”

I saved my best for you.
Other girls may have given themselves away,
But I believed in the dream.
A husband, a wife, united as one forever.

Nervous, first time, needing assurance of your love,
I looked for it in your eyes
Mere inches from mine.
But what I saw made my soul run and hide.

Gone was the tenderness I’d come to know
I saw a stranger, cold and hard
Distant, evil, revolting.
I looked for love in your eyes
And my soul wept.

Who am I that you cannot make intimate love to me?
Why do I feel as if I’m not even here?
I don’t matter.
I’m a sexual prop in a filthy play.
Not an object of tender devotion.

Where are you?

Years pass
But the hardness in your eyes does not.
You think I’m cold
But how can I warm to eyes that are making “mental sex” to someone else
Instead of making love to me?

I know where you are.
I’ve seen the pictures.
I know now what it takes to turn you on.
Women…someone’s young daughter like I once was

Women …. But artificially enhanced, acting, used and then discarded.
Images burned into your brain.
How could you think they would not show in your eyes?
Because souls don’t matter, only female bodies do
To men who consume them.

Did you ever imagine,
The first time you picked up a dirty picture
That you were dooming all intimacy between us
Shipwrecking your marriage
Breaking the heart of a wife you wouldn’t meet for many years?

If it stopped here, I could bear it.
But you brought the evil into our home
And our little boys found it.
Six and eight years old.
I heard them laughing, I found them ogling, their innocence now gone.

Little boys
My little boys
Laughing and ogling the sexual body
Of a woman, a woman like me.
Someone like me!

An image burned into their brains.

Will their wives’ souls have to run and hide like mine does?
When does it end?

I can tell you this. It has not ended in your soul.
It has eaten you up. It is cancer.
Do you think you can feed on a diet of distorted fantasies
And come out of your locked room to love?

You say the words, but love has no meaning in your mouth
When self-centeredness rules in your heart.
Your addiction has eaten up every vestige of the man
I thought I was marrying.
Did you ever dream it would so consume you
That your wife and children would live in fear of your hidden problem?

That is what you have become
Feeding your soul on poison.

I’ve never used porn.
But it has devastated my marriage, my family, my world.

Was it worth it?

If you are a woman dealing with your husband’s addiction to pornography, or any man’s addiction to pornography, you are not alone.  There are numerous resources available.  I’m an open door and welcome your emails or phone calls anytime.  Email me at Dave(at)TrueManhood(dot)com or call our offices at (412) 475-TRUE.

Men – it is time to stop thinking that your pornography use doesn’t effect anyone else.  It effects every part of your life, every relationship and every future relationship.  If you need help with your addiction, please contact me for a list of resources.

If any women are reading this who are addicted (studies say that 1 out of every 5 women is addicted to pornography), there are great resources for you as well.

TrueMan up!

Busy, Frustrated, Anxious, Confused

Lately, life has been on a lightspeed pace.  I think I’ve bitten off more than I can chew.  I’m frustrated with various things, anxious about what’s happening in life and confused as to what God’s doing in my life.  But I’m a man… I shouldn’t be admitting this.  Right?  I should be strong and well-put-together.  I should have everything taken care of with time to spare.  Right?  I should be self-sufficient.  I should be completely ahead of the curve.  Should, should, should.

Well, we all know that sometimes we aren’t ahead of the curve.  Sometimes, life gets busy and we get behind.  How do you keep it all straight?  How do you keep your head above water?  Are you a yes-aholic?  Do you have trouble ordering your priorities?  (I’ve written about priorities before, just do a search for “PRIORITY” and you’ll find some good stuff.)  Do you struggle with loads of work yet waste away time on meaningless activities and hobbies?

I recommend a few things.  First and foremost, I recommend that you examine your prayer life.  If you’re praying, your foundation is strong and you take the necessary time to sit in quiet with God.  If you’re not praying, try starting with 15 minutes a day.  Along with daily prayer, frequent reception of the Sacraments is vital.  Next, I recommend that you organize your life however works best for you.  Maybe it’s a planner, a calendar, a list, post-it notes, etc.  Don’t just let life happen to you, dictate what your day looks like.  Next, I recommend that you (if you’re in the same boat as me) start saying ‘no’ to some things.  Today, I cancelled three future meetings (to be rescheduled) and moved two other events around so I could breathe.  Do whatever it takes to order your life properly.  An ordered life is the goal, because then everything is in it’s proper place.  “Living balance means that you’re doing what you want to do.  Living order means that you’re doing what you ought to do.”

As men, sometimes we are told that we can’t or shouldn’t rely on others for help.  This is not logical, it’s not practical and it’s not Scriptural.  Lean on those around you to help you out.  Reach out to friends, family, colleagues that will assist you in reaching your goals.  Showing vulnerability or the need for help doesn’t mean you’re less manly, it just means that you need some help.  In this entire process, I recommend taking life in stride and to remain positive.  If you are negative, and if you complain, you will only add stress and strain on your already busy lifestyle.

Best of luck in reaching your goals!  Your prayers for me are appreciated as I navigate the everchanging and rapid waters of my life.

TrueMan up!