TrueManhood More Realistic with the Help of Good Women

I’m striving for TrueManhood.  TrueManhood is what all men are called to, a life of virtue as an imitation of Jesus Christ, the TrueMan.  It is the most fulfilling life a man can live.  I strive, but I am far from perfect.  I fail to live up to TrueManhood, and have a long road towards virtuous living.  This lifestyle is difficult, but it is realistic, and it is achievable.  To my point, TrueManhood is much more realistic with the help of good women.

This is my Mother’s Day post for 2014.  It has been interesting, for me, as I became a father and my children grow older, the shift that has taken place surrounding Mother’s Day.  The focus of Mother’s Day, for husbands of mothers of small children, is no longer on their own mother (although we are still grateful and appreciative – Happy Mother’s Day Mom!) but rather is derived from the family’s appreciation and admiration, thanksgiving for, and efforts of “Mommy.”  This focus, it seems to me, is led heavily by those things specifically from the father’s point of view.  The small children aren’t necessarily capable of intentionally creating, buying, or delivering thoughtful, sentimental, meaningful gifts or performing acts of gratitude, so the responsibility lands on that of the father.

I am notorious for getting the wrong gift, things my wife never asked for, indicated that she wanted, or has any use for.  (Not all of my gifts are horrible, just most of them!)  I lack originality and romance, sentimentality and thoughtfulness.  It is a crippling affliction.  This year, I’m writing this post as an attempt at a textual monument to my wife, the mother of my four beautiful children.  Words cannot begin to explain.  She is a true servant, compassionate, and tender, and incredibly thoughtful.  One of my favorite characteristics of my wife is her intentionality; everything she does has a plan and is thought out and most importantly, purposeful.  In addition to those, she is never self-centered.  She challenges me in so many good ways to raise my level of living, and I am so grateful.

Catherine – you work tirelessly to support me in my endeavors, and are relentless in the rearing of our children.  They are incredible because you make them incredible.  They are lucky little kids, having you as their mother.  I’m the lucky man that gets to call you wife, best friend, and soul mate.  Thank you for all you do for us, we can never live up to your example, but will try our hardest. 

All of these things speak to the beauty of how men and women are complementary, and that complementarity works to build both sides.  For me personally, my wife’s complementarity is the greatest way for me to achieve TrueManhood.  She assists me, as my helpmate, to refine me, challenge me, and inspire me to be the man that I so badly want to be, and the man that she and my children deserve.  Because we are so intimately connected, as one flesh through our matrimony, her life is my life, and I am all the better because of it.

A single day for our mothers is almost a slap in the face, because there are no words, no amounts of gifts or money spent on them, nor thoughtfulness that we can put into anything for our mothers or for the mothers of our children that will even begin to compare to the love, sacrifice, and total self-gift that these women give, day in and day out.  As a small token, for all the mothers out there, please accept this small gesture of thanks.

TrueMan up!

“Winner at Home”

I saw this on the Father’s For Good website and thought it would be good to post here as well.  Great job, Trever Miller!

“Cardinals’ lefthander, a Knight of Columbus, has challenges on and off the field”

By Brian Caulfield

“As he begins his 12th season as a major league pitcher, Trever Miller is familiar with baseball’s performance measurements: earned run average, strikeout-walk ratio, winning percentage, saves and a dozen other metrics. A lanky lefty reliever with the St. Louis Cardinals, who specializes in retiring left-handed batters in late innings, he even holds a major league record for consecutive mound appearances without a win or loss decision. Having pitched for five teams, the 37-year-old hurler’s lifetime record is a respectable 18-16.

But as a father of a child who was born with two holes in her heart and a genetic disorder so rare that it doesn’t have a name, Miller measures success in life in more basic ways these days – the next breath, a winning smile, a new movement from his daughter Grace. She was not supposed to leave the hospital after birth yet turns a miraculous 7 years old in June.

“Faith goes with the territory,” Miller said last month during the Cardinals’ spring training in Florida. “Grace is my hero and my inspiration. She has overcome more physical tests than I ever have in a lifetime of baseball.”

Miller is a member of the Knights of Columbus’ Our Lady of the Rosary Council 8104 in Land o’ Lakes, Florida. He was brought into the fraternal Order by his father, Terry Miller, who serves as financial secretary for the same council. Father and son are both Fourth Degree Knights in Fr. Malachy Hugh Maguire Assembly 2741.

“I grew up Catholic, went to Catholic school” in Louisville, Kentucky, said the younger Miller. He attends Mass each Sunday and when Mass is offered in the Cardinals’ clubhouse through an arrangement with the group Catholic Athletes for Christ.

One of Kentucky’s all-time great baseball stars at Trinity High School, Miller was drafted by the Detroit Tigers after graduating. He spent a few years in the minors before breaking into the big leagues in 1996.

A year earlier, he married Pari, his wife of 16 years, and they have three children: Tyler, 14, who is a member of the Columbian Squires; McKenzie, 13, and Grace. After his youngest child was born, he and his wife had a choice to make about her treatment. The couple opted for life and hope by approving surgery to close the holes in her tiny heart.

Today, she cannot walk or talk, and a simple cold can mean a trip to the emergency room to prevent fluid from filling her lungs. Still, Grace attends school as often as she can and receives regular therapy.

“She’s a battler, she’s tough,” said Terry Miller, her grandfather. “She’s the only child with her condition who has lived beyond one year, so nothing would surprise me, even if she started talking one day. I’m sure she’d have a lot to tell us.”

Trever Miller tells of dark days a few years ago when he was angry with everyone, including God, over his daughter’s condition.

“We were stunned, we didn’t understand,” he recalled. “We had to stress acceptance, and as a father I wanted to fix her situation and I couldn’t. It was a helpless feeling.”

As a man who makes his living by his physical abilities, acceptance has been difficult. “Dads are looked to as Mr. Fix It, but no matter what I couldn’t fix this. It was tough that I couldn’t control this.”

He now pours his frustration into running, completing two 26.2-mile marathons and wearing a t-shirt that reads: “26 for Grace, .2 for me.”

“I think our faith in God and his running was his saving,” his wife said.

Miller agrees. “One thing all this has done is to keep our family praying,” he said. “Because of this, Grace has so many other people praying for her too.”

Trever Miller is hoping for a stellar year with the Cardinals, but he knows that his biggest wins will be at home with his family.”

Catholic Men’s Conference at FUS

This past weekend, I attended a men’s conference at the Franciscan University of Steubenville.  I’d like to share a few thoughts from the weekend and a few challenges that correspond.

First off, we are all sinners.  No matter how long you’ve been involved in your faith, or how many ministry ‘things’ you attend, or the number of men you’ve spoken to at conferences or how old you are… we all have room to grow.  Keep working on getting better!  It’s a daily thing, not just a 60 minute thing on Sundays.

Secondly, the vast majority of the Catholic population doesn’t live for Christ.  They live for themselves.  We all must turn away from sin and have a conversion.  On Friday night of the conference, the evening’s speaker spoke of how St. Paul wrote about baptism.  The imagery that St. Paul used showed that the waters of baptism are not waters of life (as most believe), but actually waters of death.  These waters of death kill off the old self and require us to be born anew in Christ Jesus.  The coming out of the waters requires us to live differently.  This different way of life is radically different from what the world tells us life is all about.  The reward of this life is not of this world, but of life eternal with God in Heaven.

Lastly, I want to convey the incredible need for additional men’s ministry programs around the country.  We need to have a men’s ministry program everywhere and need to reach out to more men.  No one man can do it all.  So, if you are in an area that doesn’t have anything for men, then get started!  I can get you the resources needed to start small faith formation groups, or to start a men’s conference, or do to weekend retreats, or whatever it may be that you’re looking for.  The important element here… if there’s a need, then step up and fill the gap.

TrueMan up!

What Makes Porn So Bad?!

So last post (Porn Gone Mobile) I said that I would talk about why porn is so bad.  The totality of the answer can’t fit into this post, so here’s what I’ve got for you today.  A great number of people, even those who do not currently look at, use, buy or sell porn, believe that there is nothing wrong with porn.  This is a sign of a culture that has completely lost its moral compass.  Not only has the moral compass been lost, it has since been replaced with a compass (better stated as a philosophy) that is so far from the truth that it actually denies that absolute truth exists!  This philosophy… moral relativism.  Relativism states that all things are relative.  If you really believe that the composition of the stuff that makes up the ocean is not H2O, but actually H3O7, then in relativism, H3O7 is “truth for you”.

Sure, that’s a silly example, but it can be extended onto any philosophical issue… any issue related to morals, ethics, virtue, choices, life, death… you name it.  You may believe that abortion isn’t murder of a human life, but that doesn’t make your belief true.  The problem with moral relativism is, well, everything.  It denies the absolute truth and leaves everything for the individual to determine.  Not a good place to start.  If relativism is true, then what Christ did on the cross doesn’t matter.  If relativism is true, then God isn’t the ‘unmoved Mover’.  If relativism is true, then there’s no definition to what manliness is.  So…

That brings us back to porn and why it IS so bad.  It’s not that porn is only bad for me and for some other select group of people.  It’s not that I’m ‘trying to force my morality on someone’.  It’s not that only certain kinds of porn are bad.  It’s all intrinsically evil.  Catechism of the Catholic Church, paragraph 2354, states: “It offends against chastity because it perverts the conjugal act… It does grave injury to the dignity of its participants… It is a grave offense.”  The production of, distribution of and/or the use of pornography damages the individual, causing them to enter into mortal sin, a total turning away from God.  It is a lie.  It is repulsive.

On another note, porn is intrinsically evil because it destroys our brain’s ability to function properly.  When porn is viewed/used, a chemical bond is created.  The chemical involved is a hormone, called oxytocin.  Oxytocin exists in both males and females.  One of the most commonly known occurrences of oxytocin is in child birth.  It is one of the bonding agents between a mother and a newborn child – a very powerful bond.  Oxytocin is also released in sexual orgasm, thus creating a bond.  When the bond is based on a fantasy, ie porn, the bond is incredibly detrimental.  This false bond distorts the understanding of the sexual act.  Once the distorted bond is in place, often times, the bond continues to deteriorate.  Many men choose to allow this bond into their life and then wonder why real intimacy and actual giving of oneself in marriage is so difficult.

If you haven’t been exposed to porn, I urge you to do everything in your power to stay away from it.  Porn is just like meth… it only takes one time.  If you have been exposed to porn, it will continue to bond you to the fantasy, to the sexual act, to the addiction.  If you’re a single man using porn, the distorted bond will damage your relationships, it will be a stumbling block to finding the right spouse, it will become your motivation.  If/When you get married, it will cause you to be selfish in regards to intimacy with your wife, not to mention in day-to-day activities and interactions.  If you’re a married man using porn, I’m almost 100% certain that the intimacy with your wife is distorted by your addiction.  Not only does it distort your relationship with your wife, it distorts the relationship you have with your children, friends and co-workers.

The good news, as stated before many times, is that freedom from porn exists!  I’m walking proof.  I had these distortions in my life.  It takes a ton of hard work to get over them, as well as daily prayer, the Sacraments and God’s grace.  You can do it!  Get rid of the porn today!

TrueMan up!

No Idea Where to Take It

Since my first post about Tiger (nine days ago), an incredible amount of information has surfaced in this story.  Obviously, we’ve all seen or heard at least some details.  At this point, I have no idea where to take it.  There’s so much to talk about, I don’t care to get into it.  To me, Tiger has become another Lindsay Lohan/Britney Spears/A-Rod/John&Kate+8 tabloid star.  In light of this, I probably won’t blog more about him or this situation unless something really sticks out to me.

In response to a comment I received, I’d like to clear up a few things.  Here is the comment:

While I certainly do not condone his behavior, I think you are being a bit judgmental – especially when you state that “I won’t forget.” You are carrying a grudge against him and seem as though you are unwilling to forgive him for his transgressions. Hate the sin, not the sinner.

Tiger is at a low point in his life. He obviously has some major problems that he needs to deal with. On the news this morning, I heard reports of even more affairs and a possible addiction to pain killers.

Advent is a time of forgiveness and repentance. We need to forgive him. Tiger needs to repent. Pray that he understands the ramifications of his actions and that he is able to deal with these issues head on (repent).

I’ve discussed the topic of “judgmental” before, but I’ll clear up the confusion.  Typically, the term ‘judgmental’ is misused in our society.  Although I may receive some flack for this, to be judgmental is good… we judge actions of individuals to determine whether or not they would be good friends.  As a parent, I judge the actions of individuals to determine whether or not they can have contact with my children.  We judge decisions, records and work-ethic of political figures to determine whether or not we should vote for them.  We judge moral decisions.  We judge a great deal of things.  In this case, I was judging Tiger’s actions.  The confusion, I believe, comes when judgmental is used in place of “condemning”.  When we condemn others, we put ourselves in the place of Christ, taking the position of “you’re going to hell because of…”.  Condemning others is not our place, nor will it ever be.  Judgment is a virtue, in fact, you can read about it in the Catechism of the Catholic Church, paragraph 1806, under the heading of Prudence.

I’m not “unwilling to forgive” Tiger, nor am I carrying a grudge.  My point in the previous post about Tiger was that he is in the lime light and can’t simply turn that off because he made some mistakes.  His actions (morally right, wrong or indifferent) will have lasting effects on society.  You may say I’m stretching it here, but there will be men who think to themselves, and some who actually say the words out loud, “Tiger did it, it’s okay for me to do it too”.  His influence is (was) too powerful for that not to happen.

Also mentioned was the topic of forgiveness.  Yes, we are in Advent; it’s not a time of forgiveness or repentance, as stated in the comment.  Advent is a time of preparation and expectancy for the coming birth of the Christ child.  So, let’s look at this in the context of the Tiger situation, how does Advent play a role in how we look at everything?  First off, it’s not my place to forgive him, he has not trespassed against me… that’s for God and Tiger’s wife Elin.  Next, it was necessary that Jesus came into this world, to unite us to the Father because of our failings.  Our (mankind’s) sins were so grave that God Himself HAD to take human form, lowering Himself to human status, in order to redeem us.  Tiger, the same as all of us, needs God’s grace, His forgiveness and His mercy.  In this time of suffering and struggle for Tiger, I wish him healing.  I pray for a conversion of his soul.  Tiger obviously needs God, he might not know it yet, but he needs him.  And yes, you’re right, “hate the sin, love the sinner”.

I highly recommend that we all take a break from this tabloid saga and concentrate on more important things, like manning up!

Man up!

Are You Fighting?

Men,

Are you fighting?  Are you ready for battle?  Have you been training?  When temptations come your way, are you ready for war?

If you haven’t read through the page (above) titled “Fighting Porn” I urge you to read it and put it into action.  If you’ve read it, re-read it.  Another day gone by without training and a battle mission is another day you will be held in slavery to the grave evils of pornography and masturbation.  These are mortal sins, meaning that they cut off the life of grace from the Father.  These grave evils will ruin your life, and every single relationship you have in the future.  Don’ wait, stand up and fight.

Don’t try to kid yourself.  Stop justifying your actions.  You can achieve freedom from pornography and masturbation – I am a walking testimony to this fact.  Never stop fighting, never let your guard down.  There is a way out, you must actively work towards it and allow God’s grace to fill your heart, your mind, your life.  You can do it!  Go, and do it!

If you need assistance with your plan, or how to figure out your plan, or how to start accountability with your brother(s), or any other assistance, please email me at proveritasspeakers@gmail.com.

Man up!

Summer Time Spirituality

Since many of TrueManhood’s readers are in college, I think it’s important to take some time to talk about a spiritual life during the summer months.  Many of you have a strong faith community and spiritual support system while on campus and many of you are heading home (or at least away from your group) for the summer; how do you keep a strong spiritual life going?  Well, it’s easy to get back into old, bad habits when you go back into an old environment.  Some of those old, bad habits might be as simple as forgetting to pray everyday.  They might be more serious (with lasting effects on the rest of your life) like excessive drinking and promiscuous sexual activity.  That said, here are a few suggestions of how to keep your spiritual life going – and growing!

1. Pray daily.  Take time (whichever part of the day is best for you) to make this a priority.  As with any relationship, it requires that you speak and listen to the other person.  God, in this regard, is no different.  Talk to Him.
2. Make Sunday Mass a priority, and get to daily Mass as much as possible.  The grace received from the Eucharist will help you fight temptations toward old, bad habits.
3. Stay in touch with your friends from campus.  (Your good friends – NOT your nasty friends.)  A support/accountability/prayer connection helps a person significantly.  We are relational beings – created to be with one another.  Your friends want to help you, so talk to them.  It’ll probably end up helping them too.
4.  Do spiritual reading.  Find one or more (good/orthodox) Catholic spiritual books and read.  This might also include taking notes, journaling about what you read and/or about how it applies to your life or talking about it with someone else.
5. Do your best to keep Christ first and foremost.  I listed this last, but it’s not the least priority, but yet the highest priority.  I write about Christ last so that you remember that it’s all about Him.  Keep Him #1.

Man up!

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