Weddings Are About The Marriage
A few weeks ago, a colleague and great friend began his marriage. The Nuptial Mass was beautiful and the party was lots of fun. This weekend, some other longtime (and very special) friends are celebrating the start of their marriage. We (my wife and I) couldn’t be more happy for these couples. We know how incredible marriage can be and pray for only the best for these and all couples as they start into their vocation of marriage.
Often times, the wedding events can get the better of a couple and the point and purpose is lost in the colors, the flowers, the cake and the music – among a slew of about a million other ‘details’. We experienced this in our wedding preparations, to some extent, and know that it is a temptation for most couples. To keep it all in perspective… the wedding is all about the marriage. The marriage is all about sanctification! To be one with your helpmate and to help her get to Heaven. To be blessed (if it be God’s will) with children and to help them get to Heaven.
A topic that I am convicted by is, as many of you have read before, my saying “Make the Choice to Love.” It is so necessary and, in my estimation, the only way to give yourself fully to your spouse – by making the loving choice 100% of the time. Below is a previous article that I wrote for iibloom.com called “The Choice to Love.” I hope you like it and I hope it is helpful.
“Early in our marriage, my wife would ask me, in a somewhat sarcastic tone, “Are you making the choice to love right now?” It would stop me dead in my tracks to realize that I wasn’t. I like to think of myself as having a strong head on my shoulders and an ability to admit when I’m wrong. When my wife would ask that question, I knew that, in fact, I wasn’t making the choice to love and that I was dead wrong. I was not giving my wife the love and respect that she deserved. I took the unity that we had promised to one another in our wedding vows and I shattered it, so that I could be right. My need to be right was why I would argue. I would argue because I was stubborn. I was stubborn because I was self-centered. Notice that each of these scenarios contains
choice and action. Instead of needing to be right, I should compromise and come to a common-ground understanding. Instead of arguing, I should suck up my pride and admit to my portion of the wrong doings and never, under any circumstances, should I place blame. (Placing blame activates defense mechanisms. Once defense mechanisms have been activated, good luck coming to the before mentioned common-ground understanding.) Instead of being stubborn, I should be humble. Instead of being self-centered, I should be marriage centered. I should make the choice to love.
If I always make the choice to love, I am making the decision that will best allow my marriage to grow and succeed. Love is a verb and requires action. The choice to love removes selfishness, pride and arrogance. Making the choice to love means and assures me that:
1. I am making the best decision for my marriage.
2. I am making the best decision for my spouse.
3. I am making the best decision for my family.
4. I am making the best decision for my family’s future.
5. I am making the best decision for myself. (By putting myself on this list, I am not forgetting that I am an integral part of the success or failure of my marriage.)
(The best decision, in this context, means making the decision that I know to be the best, at the time, with the knowledge and understanding that I have. The best decision is made with clear conscience and free from clouded judgment.)
The most important aspect of making the choice to love is a commitment from both spouses. Making the choice to love does not work when only one of the spouses participates. If you are in a relationship where your spouse does not respond to being asked to make the choice to love, I suggest that you have a serious conversation with them about their actions and how it might negatively affect your marriage relationship. (This is not gender specific, both the husband and the wife must make every effort to make the choice to love.) Insist on this, your marriage is counting on you. This principle will not work if both parties are not fully committed. We made a commitment to each other that whenever one of us mentions “make the choice to love,” we promise to immediately stop our behavior and make the conscious decision to love. We promised one another. It requires devotion and perseverance. We put aside our bad habits, pride and selfish tendencies and choose to love the other fully and without reservation.
The saying, “Make the Choice to Love,” holds a great amount of depth. It radically transformed our marriage. I want everyone to love marriage, either their own or simply the thought of marriage. It is possible for everyone to have an amazing, loving and wonderful life-giving marriage. “Make the Choice to Love.”
Pictures Speak Louder
So I’m on vacation with my wife… we’re here in Florida, enjoying the sun, the pools and the theme parks. I don’t plan to post every day, but I saw something today that I had to address. We were riding on our shuttle and a newlywed couple got on. I knew they were newlyweds by their shirts. The bride modeled a white tank with rhinestones spelling out “bride”. The groom, however, sported a black t-shirt with a picture that spoke much louder than words ever could.
This message, “Game Over”, depicting a groom and bride, shows not only a distane for marriage, but a lack of respect for one another in the bond that just took place through the marriage vows. I’ve got lots of problems with this shirt, but here are my two biggest beefs:
1. He, (if he’s even close to a man) asked her to marry him. He asked her if she would spend the rest of her life with him. Why do men (typically, in society) see marriage as “game over”? Marriage is an incredible gift, an amazing relationship between best friends that work with God to be co-creators of life. Why can’t this guy, and other men everywhere, see this?
2. The bride, who just vowed her life to this man, is okay with him wearing this shirt. She’s okay with him wearing it in public. She’s okay with him proudly displaying his viewpoint of what his new and exciting relationship is all about. Essentially, he’s saying “My past life of fun and freedom is over” and she’s saying “He’s right”.
What a shame. I hope that somewhere, at least one man and one woman reads this post and changes their viewpoint on what a marriage can be. I know the other side of this “Game Over” t-shirt. I know the side of marriage that brings about life, with a woman that I love and share my entire life with. I actually like being with her, spending time with her, sharing my life with her. Best of luck to this young couple; I hope they make it past this sort of attitude and have a long and lasting relationship.
Man up!
