Ep16 – Suicide Prevention: Spirituality & Science

Dave is joined by his wife Catherine, a Licensed Professional Counselor to discuss suicide prevention. This episode is intended to help listeners gain information about helping their loved ones who might be suicidal, or if they themselves are struggling. Know that you are loved and are good! (This was recorded in 2014 in the wake of the suicide of Robin Williams, and remastered and edited for the podcast in light of recent public celebrity suicides.)

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Guest Post – It Only Takes One

In connection with an upcoming podcast, originally recorded with my wife Catherine for local Catholic radio in 2014, my wife mentioned this article.  The article is intended to help folks navigate the tough waters of suicide prevention in their loved ones.

By Catherine DiNuzzo of DiNuzzo Counseling

Imagine…it’s Christmas Day and your family is gathered around the dinner table. Everyone is talking and laughing. Everyone, that is, except for your sister. It has been a few months since you have seen her because she now goes to college out of state. You notice that she seems to be in her own world, disengaged from the family and disinterested in the discussion. She has cut her food into very small pieces but isn’t eating any of it, only pushing it around her plate. You also notice that she has lost a lot a weight since the last time you saw her.

Now imagine that you are out with your roommate. You realize that you haven’t seen her eat very much lately, but now that you are both out at dinner, she seems to be eating more than she normally would. Dinner is over, and as you wait for the bill, she seems anxious. She excuses herself to the bathroom, but is gone for a really long time. As you are about to get up to see if she is ok, she comes out, but refuses to look you in the eyes.

Maybe the scenario you’re imagining is your mother. She’s been distancing herself from the family. She’s alone a lot. You can’t remember the last time you heard her laugh. It feels like nothing makes her happy anymore, even the things that used to. She goes about her day doing all the things that need to be done, but she’s lost the joy that used to be so commonplace.

In all of these situations, and many others that might come to mind, there’s probably a feeling in your gut that something’s wrong. No matter how hard you try to wish it away, that interior nudge telling you that you need to say something just won’t go away. That ‘gut feeling’, or nudge, is there for a reason. So what do you do?

Unfortunately, we often do nothing. We are afraid of offending the person, afraid that it is not our place to say something. We are afraid we will say all the wrong things. So, we wait. We wait in hopeful anticipation, praying that someone else will say something. Or, we hope that maybe our loved-one will come to us and ask for help. As we fight these thoughts, the one we love and know is in need, is just waiting for one person who is not afraid to ask them…“Are you ok?”

In my counseling practice, I’m commonly approached with questions and phrases like… “I have a friend who needs counseling, but I don’t know how to approach them. Can you give me some advice on what to say?” It’s a very complicated question, with a multitude of answers. Every situation is very different. Keeping that in mind, I’d like to offer you six helpful hints that may help. (These can be adapted for different situations.) I must stress that the most dangerous thing is to say nothing at all. We cannot let our fear get in the way of reaching out to help someone in need.

6 HELPFUL HINTS

1. PRAY ABOUT IT: An important first step, because it reminds us that as we face our fears, we are not alone. The greatest fear that I hear is “I’m afraid that I’ll say all the wrong things and possibly somehow make things worse.” Whenever I speak to a client, I always start by saying a prayer and ask for the Holy Spirit to speak through me. This way, my words will be His words, and therefore, be the words that I need to say. Try it, trusting in the Holy Spirit to guide you.
2. KNOW YOUR MOTIVATION: When we reach out to a family member or friend in need, we are doing it out a love for them. This is your motivation; you are doing it because you want what is best for them, and you don’t want to see them hurting. As you talk to them about your concerns, say that you come to them with this concern out of love.
3. BE PREPARED: Before you talk to your loved-one, prepare yourself. Think about what it is that you want to say and what is it that you want them to understand. Sometimes we have so many concerns and emotions about a situation that the purpose of our conversation can get lost. I recommend picking one or two things that are your biggest concerns. Focus your effort on those areas. These should be things that are broad and should be able to include many of your smaller concerns inside the larger concern.
4. ANTICIPATE THEIR REACTION: After you voice your concern, there are a number of responses that may be involved. These responses could include, but are not limited to: denial, avoidance, fear, anger, and/or defensiveness. Some may try to change the subject, or may try to lighten the mood by using humor. The loved-one may believe that they have been hiding their feelings or actions so well that there may be an element of shock that their problem has been noticed. It is important to let them have these emotions, whatever they might be, and to not get into a debate with them. Say something like. “I understand that you feel this way. I care about you too much not to say something.” I know that it looks like you are hurting, and I want you to know that I am here to help, and that you are not alone.”
5. DON’T GIVE UP: It may take time for your loved-one to admit that they need help. Don’t give up on them. Sometimes the denial and fear is very strong, and it takes time for them to become open to help. However, don’t be discouraged. Know that even if they seem mad or are in great denial, at least now they know that someone cares and that they are not alone. They also have someone who they can talk to about their struggles. Leave the door open for them to come talk to you again, and don’t be afraid to bring it up again if you don’t see the behavior getting better or if your loved-one isn’t taking steps to change.
6. CONSULT WITH PROFESSIONALS: Sometimes situations are more than you can handle. If you have someone in your life who is suicidal (Click Here for Suicidal Warning Signs) or is in a life-threatening situation, it is important to contact a professional. If there is ever any doubt for someone’s safety, immediately call 911 or your local emergency number for help.

It only takes one. One person to step outside of their comfort zone. One moment, one question, one hand reached out to help. If you know a friend who needs help, don’t be afraid to be the one person who chooses to make a difference.

Imagine… it’s a Friday night at your local (and very busy) grocery store. There are cars going all different directions and the parking lot is crowded. The drivers seem lost in their own thoughts. As you go inside and reach for a cart, something catches your eye. It’s a little girl with her mother, standing right outside of the store on the sidewalk. With all the hustle and bustle, it’s obvious that no one else seems to have noticed this mother and daughter pair, but for some reason you stop to watch. As you watch them prepare to head to their car, you see the mother stop and look down into her purse to get her keys, and then you realize that the little girl has not stopped walking, but that she is heading straight for the busy parking lot. All alone, she walks ahead, not noticing the car coming right at her. What do you do? Without thinking, you run after the little girl and stop the traffic. You get the mom’s attention. You do whatever you need to do to save that little girl. No questions asked. It doesn’t matter what else is going on in that moment… you do whatever it takes to save her. Fast forward… now that little girl has an eating disorder, poor body image, no self- worth, a cutting problem, alcoholism and/or drug abuse, suicidal tendencies, or some other problem. Are you going to just sit there and watch, letting the traffic run into her or are you going to step in and do something to help save her?

If you or someone you know needs help, please contact me, or a local therapist in your area. My contact information is available on my website, www.DiNuzzoCounseling.com.

P.S. You are enough.

The TrueManhood Podcast Episode 9 – Porn Addiction: Part 1

In this episode on pornography, part 1, Dave DiNuzzo opens up about his porn addiction, and a bit of how he overcame it, what porn is, why it’s bad, and how to help ourselves and our kids. Watch for part 2 coming soon, and watch for the upcoming episode on “The 5 Step Plan.” TrueMan up!

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Protecting Boys after High School

High school graduations are upon us, and many of those graduates will be moving on to bigger and better things.  When they’re gone, they’re still your child, and you still have some responsibility for their sanctification.  Although they’re of adult age, and many will be out of the house, your parental role doesn’t stop, it merely changes.  How then do you help your college-aged, young adult children?  Well, here are a few tips.

1. Don’t Lie to Yourself: Realize that they’ve seen more, done more, and have been exposed to more than you’d probably like. If they’ve seen any mainstream media, heard any popular music, or hung out with any other children who have done so, they’ve seen it, done it, and/or have been exposed to it.  The “it” is the junk, filth, and garbage that’s out there in TV, movies, music, magazines, and all over the internet.
2. Be Aware: Most institutions of higher education don’t filter, block, or have regulations against pornography and other filth on the internet. Some do, but those systems are rare.
3. New Found Freedom and Rebellion: Being out of the house lends itself towards rebellious views and ideas of invincibility, especially on the college campus. These institutions are typically not calling the boys towards authentic masculinity, but rather, allows and encourages on-going childishness and “cultural manliness”.

It doesn’t matter what they go on to do, they’ll be exposed to more and more than ever before.  Even faithful, Catholic schools have problems with protecting their students, and your child isn’t the exception to the rule.  Okay, okay… downer Dave here… as usual, killing the excitement and joy surrounding graduation.  Harping on the bad news and leaving everyone scared to raise kids in America.  Sorry.  Well, not really.  Instead of only harping on the bad, I’ve got a great tool to aid you in your parenting.  It’s called Covenant Eyes, and I fully endorse their products.

Covenant Eyes is a filtering and accountability software for PCs, Macs, smartphones, and tablets.  It works on a plethora of devices and they continually develop the software to keep up with the latest and greatest gadgets.  Covenant Eyes does a number of things, and while I can’t tell you all of them in this short post, here are three of the most practical things it does, especially for your boy (or girl) heading off to college.

1. Peace of Mind: Covenant Eyes lends itself towards giving parents peace of mind that the content that their child (even their young adult child) is protected from content that is bad for them. The filtering helps to block explicit, pornographic, and malicious content from entering the device.
2. A Talking Point: Covenant Eyes is a gateway to conversation between parents and children. It gives a parent the opportunity to discuss the content, not ignore it.  It gives the child the responsibility of having the device, with the accountability to back it up.
3. Keepin’ It Real: Covenant Eyes keeps everything honest, open, and transparent. The truth is the truth, and if a site has been visited that shouldn’t have been, or an app has been utilized that shouldn’t have been, or questionable online behavior is happening, it puts it all out on the table.  When it’s out there, it can be dealt with.

And it’s not only good for older kids, it’s great for everyone in the house.  Dads – you need this software on your devices to keep you honest.  Moms can benefit from it too!  (Did you know that 1 out of 4 church-going women admit to being addicted to pornography?!)  And our pure, innocent littles… it’s the least we can do for them.  The least.

So how do you start using Covenant Eyes?  Click HERE to go to the Covenant Eyes site to sign up for your free one-month trial.  That’s right, it couldn’t be easier, just head on over and they’ll let you try it out for a month at no cost.  (The link takes you to my affiliate page automatically.)  Once you’ve signed up, you’ll download the program on your computer(s), laptop(s), and iOS/Android devices (get the app), set up the functionality you want to utilize (in the setting portion of the account), and immediately, the device is protected.  If you have ANY problems, or struggle with technology (like so many parents do), simply call their customer service line and they will walk you through everything.  It’s totally worth it, easy to do, and gives you that all-important peace of mind.  What’s stopping you?  Do it today!

Covenant Eyes has a monthly cost after the initial free month trial.  Considering all of the junk out there, I find the minimal costs to be well worth the souls of our children.  One monthly cost covers ALL of your family’s devices.  Hard to beat.  I’ve tried tons of different blocks, filters, and accountability, and by far, this is my favorite.

TrueMan up!

But How? Helping Men Overcome

One of the questions I’m asked most often is “If a man is addicted to porn, what can he do to overcome it?”  I’d like to tell you that there’s an “easy button” that a man can push and be done with it, but it’s definitely not that simple.  It’s such a frequent question because so many men are addicted and literally don’t know what to do.  Many will tell me that “I’ve tried everything but nothing worked.”  Some will say “I didn’t know what to do so I didn’t do anything.”  All of them know that they want out of the chains that bind them, and all of them know that something has to happen, but so few know what really works.

I have a “5 Step Plan” that could be a good starting point for you.  It’s worked for many men, I believe it can work for you as well.  There are some areas of the plan that are nuanced, the most important of those areas is accountability.  [I hope to create a video about accountability soon to help explain it further.]  There are plenty of other plans, programs, ideas, formats, resources, and approaches that you can find and try.  For men who are extremely troubled by their addiction and who need a full-on attack, some would suggest Sexaholics Anonymous groups, counseling, and/or reparative brain therapy.   You are obviously welcome to try them – do whatever you need to experience freedom.

Regardless of what method you choose, one thing is for sure… every man needs accountability.  The reason accountability is so important is because it forces us to be honest about our life, and forces us to take responsibility for our actions.  An accountability partner is someone very close to you, with whom you can be honest and forthright.  Failing to be 100% open and honest will result in failed accountability.  If you can’t be honest, don’t even start… you’re wasting everyone’s time.  Don’t get me wrong, I know that it’s extremely hard to be honest and that vulnerable.  It’s not a sign of weakness to be vulnerable, it’s a sign of wisdom.

For some, knowing what other men have done, tried, and what has worked or not is a great benefit.  Other men will want to blaze their own trail.  Either way, a man needs to do something, anything.  Be sure, accountability is not something that is okay or acceptable in the cultural manliness lifestyle, so not many will understand and few will encourage it.  Don’t let them get in your way.

Following Step 3 of the 5 Step Plan, you’ll see that you need to “find a brother”, meet as frequently as you need, and be deliberate about your approach.  Watch for the video on accountability, along with a still-to-come TrueManhood guide to accountability.  Another frequent question or road block I hear is about finding this brother for accountability…. so few men actually have male friends, let alone a man they feel comfortable to invite into this sort of relationship.  For those who need it, I offer my services to work through the beginning stages of accountability and beyond.  Contact me for more information.  ContactUs@TrueManhood.com.

TrueMan up!

My Day(s) in Court

Starting Monday, 1.12.15, I’ll find myself (along with 7 others), on trial in Federal Court.  I’m being sued by an adult store owner (owner of, I believe, 18 or so adult stores in the northeast) for several reasons, including trespassing, public and private nuisance, some anti-commerce claims, as well as coercion, to name a few.  All of the claims are ridiculous.  The case has been going on for some time now (almost 3.5 years) and although I am not worried or concerned – for I didn’t do the things that he claims I did – I would ask for your support and prayers during this time.  The case comes down to a matter of the First Amendment, and my (AND YOUR!) right to free speech and to peaceful assembly.

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.” – First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America (excerpt)

I peacefully and prayerfully stood as witness to the harm and dangers of pornography.  Personally, I stood there for all the men who are trapped in pornography and also for the women whose lives are negatively affected by those men and their actions.  My favorite sign to hold was “Real Men Don’t Exploit Women.”  Translated… “males who are acting with the proper behavior, who do what they should and not what they shouldn’t, and who uphold the utmost respect for women, don’t USE them!”  I hope that it made a lot of folks stop and think about their actions.  I held this sign, too.

Maybe protesting is crazy.  Maybe it’s ineffective.  Maybe because of the insanity taking place in our country lately, protesting will forever be tainted (maybe it already was.)  But let me put another side to it.  There are people who are caught in the trap of pornography who don’t know that there is another option for them.  They don’t know that there are resources, support groups, counselors, programs, and other people who care about them so that they don’t have to be confined to their addiction.  For many, the addiction to pornography destroys their life, ruining marriages, causing firings from jobs, loss of important family finances, and so on.  Porn can also negatively affect the brain, the ability to perform intimately and sexually, it increases selfishness, and does a serious number on the chemicals in the brain causing dependency and withdrawal symptoms.  Anger can also stem from porn use.  (There’s much more on this in my archives.)

So because of all of this, I stood and peacefully assembled, hoping to help just one person.  And, you know what… on MANY occasions, people told me that it opened their eyes, helped them out, or prevented them from making a decision they knew they would regret.

Being involved in this trial is not something I want to do, but I’m involved and I have to see it through.  True manhood requires it of me.  I will remain calm, I will not be evasive on the stand during questioning, and I will, as always, be honest.  Marks of a TrueMan.  Be steadfast with me and do what you can today to defend the First Amendment.

TrueMan up!

 PS: A HUGE thanks goes out to our lawyers for their help and care in this case, they’ve been great.  Alliance Defending Freedom is the bomb!

Guide to Virtue

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