But How? Helping Men Overcome

One of the questions I’m asked most often is “If a man is addicted to porn, what can he do to overcome it?”  I’d like to tell you that there’s an “easy button” that a man can push and be done with it, but it’s definitely not that simple.  It’s such a frequent question because so many men are addicted and literally don’t know what to do.  Many will tell me that “I’ve tried everything but nothing worked.”  Some will say “I didn’t know what to do so I didn’t do anything.”  All of them know that they want out of the chains that bind them, and all of them know that something has to happen, but so few know what really works.

I have a “5 Step Plan” that could be a good starting point for you.  It’s worked for many men, I believe it can work for you as well.  There are some areas of the plan that are nuanced, the most important of those areas is accountability.  [I hope to create a video about accountability soon to help explain it further.]  There are plenty of other plans, programs, ideas, formats, resources, and approaches that you can find and try.  For men who are extremely troubled by their addiction and who need a full-on attack, some would suggest Sexaholics Anonymous groups, counseling, and/or reparative brain therapy.   You are obviously welcome to try them – do whatever you need to experience freedom.

Regardless of what method you choose, one thing is for sure… every man needs accountability.  The reason accountability is so important is because it forces us to be honest about our life, and forces us to take responsibility for our actions.  An accountability partner is someone very close to you, with whom you can be honest and forthright.  Failing to be 100% open and honest will result in failed accountability.  If you can’t be honest, don’t even start… you’re wasting everyone’s time.  Don’t get me wrong, I know that it’s extremely hard to be honest and that vulnerable.  It’s not a sign of weakness to be vulnerable, it’s a sign of wisdom.

For some, knowing what other men have done, tried, and what has worked or not is a great benefit.  Other men will want to blaze their own trail.  Either way, a man needs to do something, anything.  Be sure, accountability is not something that is okay or acceptable in the cultural manliness lifestyle, so not many will understand and few will encourage it.  Don’t let them get in your way.

Following Step 3 of the 5 Step Plan, you’ll see that you need to “find a brother”, meet as frequently as you need, and be deliberate about your approach.  Watch for the video on accountability, along with a still-to-come TrueManhood guide to accountability.  Another frequent question or road block I hear is about finding this brother for accountability…. so few men actually have male friends, let alone a man they feel comfortable to invite into this sort of relationship.  For those who need it, I offer my services to work through the beginning stages of accountability and beyond.  Contact me for more information.  ContactUs@TrueManhood.com.

TrueMan up!

“I Know My Rights!”

In my last post, I wrote about being on trial, as a defendant, for First Amendment issues.  A lawsuit was brought against me by the owner of a string of adult stores on claims that were beyond ridiculous.  These claims (surrounding peaceful assembly) all had to do with my rights granted me from the First Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America.

On the morning of Monday, January 12, I appeared in Federal court with my co-defendants, expecting to select a jury and begin this epic trial between good and evil.  Instead, what happened was fairly lackluster.  The plaintiff counsel called a meeting with our defense counsel and told them, “We don’t have a case.”  Essentially, they caved.  It was over before it started.  All of us involved knew that they never had a case, we just wish it wouldn’t have burdened us for the past 3.5 years; costing us time, money, and being a royal pain in the rear.  But, in the end, a victory is a victory and we were happy to stand for the truth, for justice, and for goodness.

The First Amendment rights that you and I (hopefully) appreciate, were upheld.  The right to peacefully assemble, the right to free speech, and the right to freedom of religion.  Now, in this case, some people have brought up the question about the adult store’s “rights” to perform free commerce and their “rights” to free speech and free press in terms of pornography. Heck, it was even written in their language in the original lawsuit documents! Make it known… the business owner who sued me is engaged in illegal activity, and his business practices are NOT protected by the First Amendment.  What?!

You read that correctly… the activity taking place in that store (and MANY others like it all across the country) are engaged in illegal activity.  This business, in particular, is guilty of at least two counts: 1. The distribution of hardcore pornography.  (A felony in the United States of America.) and 2. The operation of pornography viewing booths.  With #1, I bet you didn’t know that the production and distribution of hardcore pornography was against the law!  Yep, it sure is.  (Here’s the proof.)  But why is there so much of it being produced and distributed?  BECAUSE THE LAW ISN’T BEING UPHELD!  And viewing booths lead to illegal and illicit behaviors and have been outlawed in many states, including the one I was sued in.  Without getting into specific details here, we have evidence to believe that there were not only drugs being sold and consumed within these booths, but also lewd and heinous (hetero and homo) sexual acts were taking place, including prostitution.  Isn’t it ironic that the criminal enterprise that brought suit against us was (is) involved in much more damaging and negative activity than they claimed we were!

So here’s how this thing ends:

The lawsuit was filed — we went round and round with the courts and their proceedings — we spent time and money — our lives were negatively affected for 3.5 years — and so on.  What now?  Do we step away from this fight because we were sued once?  No!  Whether it’s peaceful protest outside of a pornography shop, standing with love outside of an abortion mill, or writing blog posts that expose corrupt and illegal behavior, we mustn’t stop standing up for our rights.  Rights give us freedom FOR things, not freedom from things.  We have these rights so that we can be free for goodness and honesty, for clean communities, for wholesome businesses with wholesome practices, and free for giving and receiving love.  That’s what it’s all about.

TrueMan up!

PS: If you struggle from addiction with or a pension for pornography and you need help getting out, contact us today.  Email us at info@TrueManhood.com.

Tuesdays with Daddy – Father’s Edition

To all the men who are fathers… today’s “Tuesdays with Daddy” is for you.  Unfortunately, my opportunity to be home with my girls on Tuesdays will be coming to an end in about a month.  I thought it would be a good idea to put forth a challenge to all the dads out there, to keep you thinking, to keep you purposeful in your parenting.  Read over these questions and be honest with yourself about the answers.  If something’s not up to par, make a change today.  I believe that we are all on a journey towards being the best father that we can be.  The journey requires us to always be moving forward, always toward being better.

• Do you tell your children, not just everyday, but every chance you have, that you love them?
• Do your actions match up with your words?
• Do you love your wife?
• Does your love (action!) match up with your “I love yous”?
• Do your children see you loving your wife?
• Do your children have a healthy and realistic understanding of love, or is it what they see on television, in movies and online?
• Do you prioritize your life well?  Or do you give one (or more) part more attention and neglect the other things you ought to be doing?
• Are you addicted to anything?  Porn?  Alcohol?  ESPN?  Work? etc.
• Are you working to overcome your addiction?  (Ask me if you need resources… Dave@TrueManhood.com)
• Do you strive to grow in virtue?
• Are you faithful to a daily prayer life?  To a Sacramental life?
• Do your children know that you pray?
• Do you pray with your children everyday?
• Are you actively involved in the spiritual formation of your children daily?
• Do you pass on responsibilities and place them on your wife and/or childcare provider?
• Do you rejoice in your children?
• What else do you need to work on?

Man up!

“Our lives change when our habits change.”  – Matthew Kelly