Various Kinds of Dads

I was just washing the dishes (yes, I do dishes) and was thinking about my parenting style, what kind of Dad I am, and it brought to mind a bunch of different kinds of fathering-traits.

Some thoughts on the kinds of dads that I’ve either exemplified, or other kinds of dads I’ve come across.

• SPORTS-CRAZY DAD – The dad that just can’t be easy going at the games, and when
  games aren’t going on, they’re living vicariously through their kid as if it was the pros.
• The “I DON’T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO MY KIDS SO I DON’T TALK TO THEM AT ALL DAD” – Dads who are either not educated enough on various topics, or who lack communication skills, or who just won’t take the time to learn about their kids so they fail to talk to them at all, about anything.
• The “I DON’T UNDERSTAND GIRL-STUFF SO MY DAUGHTERS AND I ARE COMPLETELY DISCONNECTED DAD” –  Similar to the above, but specific to daughters and “female issues” – of all kinds.  And there’s lots.
• SCREAMER-DAD – Everything gets this dad going, in a bad direction, and he just screams about it.  Less than effective, if you ask me.  Think: “Don’t make me stop this vehicle!”  or “Do it, or else.”
• INTIMIDATION-DAD (“IntimiDad”) – IntimiDad uses his size, stature, and position of authority to try to force his children to do things.  I typically see this with toddlers.  It doesn’t work.  Again, think: “Do it, or else.”
• OVER-COMMITTED DAD (works too much or is involved in too much) – I’ve written many times before about what kids really want and need from us.  They want us, our time, and that’s how they see and experience our love.  “Kids spell love T-I-M-E.
• TEACHER-DAD – This dad is patient and discusses various things with his children so that they learn from him.  Even when he doesn’t think his kids are listening, he teaches, simply to plant a seed and begin the discussion.  I think I’m this kind of dad most of the time.
• SWEET-DAD – This dad is emotionally sensitive, and takes the opportunity, especially with his daughters, to be sweet.  This isn’t overly sentimental, this is the right amount of sentimentality because let’s face it, sometimes our kids just need it.  Our daughters need sensitivity, and at the right time in the right amount, so do our sons.
• GIFT-GIVING DAD – Don’t buy your kids love, ok sir?  Don’t make it “okay” that you’re not in their lives simply because you buy them stuff.  Now, if your gifts are thoughtful, and you bought it for them because you know them and know they’d really like the thing, and really appreciate it, and that they’ll know you know them, then good on ya.
• APATHETIC-DAD – I see this all too often, unfortunately.  This attitude can extend directly to the children because he just doesn’t care about them (either because he’s too ego-centric, self-centered, or just that insensitive) or because he’s flat out lazy.  “Mom’s got it.”  “Mom’ll talk to ‘em.”  “Honey, you’ve got this one, right?”  Stop it.
• PROUD-OF-MY-KID-NO-MATTER-WHAT-DAD – Thank you for not putting up pretentious walls, facades, or displays surrounding your kid.  They’re your kid and you love them and are proud of them no matter what their accomplishments, likeability, or style.

I’m certain that I could write and write and write on this topic.  There are so many kinds of fathers out there, and so many traits (good and bad) that could be discussed.  Many of them we have discussed in the past and will continue to discuss in the future.

Remember an important concept to TrueManhood… our children learn what is right and wrong by watching us.  If we want our boys to grow into TrueManhood, and our daughters to meet and marry a TrueMan, then we must show them what that is.  “Jesus answered and said to them, “Amen, amen, I say to you, a son cannot do anything on his own, but only what he sees his father doing; for what he does, his son will do also.  For the Father loves his Son and shows him everything that he himself does, and he will show him greater works than these, so that you may be amazed.” John 5:19-20.  A major component here is how we treat our wife.  Being a great-TrueMan-dad, means being a great husband first.

Thanks to my dad, Tony, for being an absolutely awesome dad!  I have many fond memories of my childhood, and am so blessed to have him help me to raise my kids now, but there’s a concept that I always return to when I think about my relationship with my dad, and it’s this: he always SHOWED me how to be a man.  He lived it.  He didn’t have to say a lot, he lived it.  I saw, first and foremost, that he loved/s my mother.  That is who he is, as a man; he’s a husband, and all else stems from that.

TrueMan up!

Is a Bad Dad Better Than No Dad?

Recently, I had a discussion with a woman on the topic of fatherhood. During our conversation, she was adamant that a child having a bad father in the picture is better than no father.  I disagree with her, but understand at a basic level why she would believe this.  I also sympathize with her, aware that her situation was extremely difficult to bear.  Now that I’ve given it more thought, I think she may have been combining some thoughts together, associating a bad father with a father who is at least present.

If having a bad father in their life simply means that the child can feel a sense of acceptance and that someone desires them, then maybe I could agree with her.  However, being a child requires, and makes us yearn for, much more.  [Here’s a powerful clip from “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air” – the other videos in the playlist can’t be removed, sorry.]

Things to keep in mind: “bad” here is used not as an extreme word, but merely as a way to describe a man who is not living up to his role as father, even in the basic sense.  Call it judgmental (that would be a misuse of the word) or hateful, but at some point, we have to call a spade a spade.  A bad father isn’t present to his children, does not give them encouragement, nor inspiration, nor assistance, nor guidance, nor education.  A bad father lacks affection, affirmation, recognition, and compassion, and he shows no mercy.  Essentially, a bad father is the opposite of everything that God the Father is and that which a good father should strive for.

I wrote a post not too long ago, with a video, about my nephew (and his siblings.)  In the post, I discussed how his father was in the picture, but how his involvement is detrimental, and how these kinds of situations require other men to step in and be the father figures that children need.  Maybe there’s an element of timing in this discussion… for instance, the time in a child’s life may dictate whether or not a bad father’s presence is beneficial.  I’m sort of just writing my jumbled up thoughts right now because I really don’t know.  Maybe too, it depends on each kid.  Perhaps it is best that a bad father isn’t around in the teen years, but during the adolescent years?  (We should get this discussion going on the TrueManhood.com Facebook page.)

As I’ve written and said many times, our children learn from us, good or bad.  If we fail as fathers, our children will learn that fatherhood and/or masculinity is something other than what it actually is – believing that our failure is normal and acceptable.  I do not believe that we can substitute authentic masculinity when it comes to our children – they need to know it, be surrounded by it, and be taught it so that they are able to thrive in life.  TrueManhood is one of the most basic tenants of humanity, and literally as old as mankind.

So I pose a thought for you to consider… is it better for a child to have a bad father in their life or to have no father present at all?  I’m sure that we can all agree that children with great dads are always best off.  I’m certainly striving to be a great dad for my kids, won’t you strive to give that to your kids, too?

TrueMan up!

Filling the Void in a Kid’s Life

It’s a sad situation when a child grows up without a father.  Unfortunately, we have a large segment of society living without their fathers… some because they’ve passed away, and some because the fathers fail to step up.  Both situations are difficult, but I submit that those that fail to step up are more detrimental to the lives of their kids, leaving a huge void – a void almost insurmountable.

I recently had the opportunity to go with my eleven year old nephew, Isaac, to his youth trap league.  We were accompanied by Isaac’s grandfather, but not by the boy’s father.  Isaac performed incredibly, especially in the face of adverse conditions.  It was cloudy, cold, and extremely windy, but he kept with it and shot really well.  The sun eventually came out, the winds calmed, and at the end of the day, Isaac had a lot to show for his performance.  I wanted to highlight him and his efforts because I’m so proud of him, but also felt the need to talk about the void that is present in his life and what I’m trying to do about it.

Have you heard or read the stats about children who grow up without a father and how they are set up for failure?  Well, Isaac is beating those odds!  Thanks to his mother who is strong and doing all she can, and thanks especially to Isaac’s Grandpa, he is succeeding in, despite his sitaution, and will continue to be supported and encouraged.  It is amazing to watch this young boy grow and overcome.

Isaac and his siblings are a prime example of growing up with the void of a father.  Yes, they have a father.  Yes, they see their father and are in his custody at times.  His kids need and deserve more.  That’s where other men MUST come in.  Maybe you know a kid like Isaac – another little kid who is fighting hard to beat the odds.  We can’t wait around and expect that dad to change, we have to step in and fill the void.  Along the way, we should also challenge the father to pick up the slack and change his behavior, but that may never pan out, so we invest in the child all that we can.

I invest in my nephew because I know it will make him better.  If I can first live by example, then help lead him into manhood through extra effort, I believe that my efforts will be rewarded.  I believe it will effect his younger siblings in a positive way, too.  Think about the kids in your life that have a void and figure out a way you can step in and cover some of that gap.  If you don’t, who will?

TrueMan up!

Because I’m Happy

Recently, World Down Syndrome Day was celebrated to bring awareness, and as an attempt at equality for those who have Down Syndrome (DS), and for those who live and work with people with DS.  I missed posting this information that day, but better late than never.

Why am I deciding to write on this topic, something seemingly distant from authentic masculinity?  I’m not the father, brother, cousin, or neighbor of someone with DS.  Why do I care?  Because, as with most social discourse, men play a vital role in doing what is right and for protecting innocent life.  In a culture that talks highly of equality, “tolerance”, and “not judging”, it’s amazingly sad to me that somehow it is acceptable to discriminate because someone looks and acts differently than you or I.

For those who may not know, Down Syndrome is a naturally occurring chromosomal arrangement; humans with 47 chromosomes (as opposed to the “normal” 46) have Down Syndrome.  Regardless of the medical side of things, we know something very important – people are people, and every human person deserves the right to life.  (Watch this awesome video giving you a tiny glimpse into the joy of life lived vigorously.  Watch it closely – it is pertinent to the discussion.)

Many (seemingly countless) pregnancies are terminated because the baby is thought or believed to have DS.  My own niece was one of these babies “thought to have Down’s” – and the doctors were wrong.  They were simply guessing, but advised the parents to terminate.  Thank God that my sister-in-law wouldn’t consider abortion. 

So here’s where the authentic masculinity comes in.  Males – be TrueMen, and stand up for life.  Defend the most vulnerable among us, and put an end to abortion-on-demand, especially for ridiculous reasons like “the quality of life of this child will not be suitable for every day living” or “they won’t be normal” or “it will be difficult to raise this child.”  If you happen to be SO BLESSED to be a father of a child with Down Syndrome, embrace the gift that God has given you.  Look at the parents of the babies in the video… they have true joy at the life and love that is their child.

It is amazing to me, how pro-life (from natural conception to natural death) our small middle-of-nowhere town is.  We have several families with children with DS, and if you asked any of them, they will tell you how radically changed they are, for the better, because of their child.  In a time in our culture where people with DS are considered diseased, sick, worthless, and/or a burden on society, we see families here embracing their gift.  A friend of ours recently told my wife, “When we first found out that our daughter had DS, I wondered what God was doing and why He chose me for this path.  Now, I realize that she’s the blessing that I needed.”

Some of you already know that I have a long-standing offer, but I will re-offer now, and certainly many more times during my lifetime.  I promise that this offer is not about me – but rather, about the babies.  The offer: if you, or someone you run into, is considering abortion, but are willing to discuss not murdering your child, even for one simple phone call discussion, I pledge to adopt your child, love them as their biological father, and pay for all of your pregnancy expenses.  This offer includes babies with Down Syndrome.  Spread the word – your baby deserves a loving family – let us help you.  I will do this for countless babies, if only to save their lives.

TrueMan up!

Tuesdays with Daddy – Father’s Edition

To all the men who are fathers… today’s “Tuesdays with Daddy” is for you.  Unfortunately, my opportunity to be home with my girls on Tuesdays will be coming to an end in about a month.  I thought it would be a good idea to put forth a challenge to all the dads out there, to keep you thinking, to keep you purposeful in your parenting.  Read over these questions and be honest with yourself about the answers.  If something’s not up to par, make a change today.  I believe that we are all on a journey towards being the best father that we can be.  The journey requires us to always be moving forward, always toward being better.

• Do you tell your children, not just everyday, but every chance you have, that you love them?
• Do your actions match up with your words?
• Do you love your wife?
• Does your love (action!) match up with your “I love yous”?
• Do your children see you loving your wife?
• Do your children have a healthy and realistic understanding of love, or is it what they see on television, in movies and online?
• Do you prioritize your life well?  Or do you give one (or more) part more attention and neglect the other things you ought to be doing?
• Are you addicted to anything?  Porn?  Alcohol?  ESPN?  Work? etc.
• Are you working to overcome your addiction?  (Ask me if you need resources… Dave@TrueManhood.com)
• Do you strive to grow in virtue?
• Are you faithful to a daily prayer life?  To a Sacramental life?
• Do your children know that you pray?
• Do you pray with your children everyday?
• Are you actively involved in the spiritual formation of your children daily?
• Do you pass on responsibilities and place them on your wife and/or childcare provider?
• Do you rejoice in your children?
• What else do you need to work on?

Man up!

“Our lives change when our habits change.”  – Matthew Kelly