‘Sexy’ Pressure for Girls at Halloween – an Article Primarily for Dads

The concept of ‘sexy pressure’ for girls at Halloween had never crossed my mind before my wife sent me a NY Times “parent blog” article – here it is – but now it’s resonating with me.  Makes me think about 10 years from now… what’s life going to be like for our little ones?  (Please read the article so that you understand what I’m talking about.  And not, I certainly don’t prescribe to what the author of the article is saying, but simply bringing it up as a point of discussion.)  I’m a father of 3 daughters, and although they are young, I’m aware of the pending pressure that’s coming – but apparently not aware enough.

In the article, you can sense that the pressure on girls comes mostly from other girls.  They didn’t talk about whether or not the guys thought they were ‘too sexy’, but the pressure stemmed almost exclusively from what the other girls perceived.  (I assert, too, that the pressure they feel isn’t so much real as it is only a perception, and the one quote shows that, when she says, essentially, “it’s not discussed but everyone knows it.”)  I’ve always found this to be true; the guys aren’t aware enough, most of the time, or don’t care enough, to make a big deal out of girl’s clothing.  Although there is that aspect when a girl is dressed in a “slutty” manner (per the article) when guys notice and begin to pay attention to her.  This is age-old.

What’s the big deal here?  Isn’t this just adolescent development, trial-and-error, and growing pains?  No, I don’t think so.  It’s a big deal because of the culture around our kids.  They see particular things online, on TV, in movies, in music videos, etc. and whatever is “it” MUST be emulated.  At least in their minds.  Whatever’s hip, cool, newest, biggest, baddest, and those things that push the moral lines, is what is desired.  Again, this is age-old.  The shiny thing that grabs attention is what becomes so sought after.  So, with our young women, and this idea of “dressing sexy for Halloween”, what do we do?  Fathers… where are you?

Here’s what we do.  I’ve written about this before, I speak about this all the time, I teach my kids in class this concept in all we do.  It’s not a new concept… it too is age-old.  We teach our kids that they are intrinsically good and that God loves them, and that we love them.  We instill in them a self-worth that is so strong that it can stand up against any cultural phenomenon, any peer pressure, any moral dilemma and come out victorious.  Without this self-worth, without this knowledge that they have a dignity that is deserving of only the greatest, they will fall into the pressure of the world to find their happiness, self-worth, and coolness factor from other things.  In the end, those other things won’t bring happiness, only emptiness.

Fathers: if you’re not the most loving, caring, compassionate, uplifting source of goodness in your daughter’s life, then why not?!  She needs your attention, your affection, your love, your discipline, your care, your concern.  NEEDS it like she needs water, food, oxygen, and shelter.  An absolute necessity.  If you’ve failed her in this area up to this point, work to fix your mistakes.  You’ve got 10 days before Halloween, it’s not too late.  And let’s be real, Halloween isn’t the issue, but it certainly accentuates the issue.

TrueMan up!

REPOST – Back to Campus

Repost from August 2009, with a few additions, for the college-aged young men out there…

With most schools starting recently (or soon), I thought it would be good to address some issues about how a TrueMan behaves on campus.  A college campus, as we all know, can be a hostile place for an ardent follower of Christ.  It can be a treacherous minefield of explosive situations, abusive and vulgar language, uncomfortable environments, and disagreements with unbelievers.  In order to deal with these difficult issues, here are a couple suggestions.

• Be yourself.  If you love and serve God, don’t be ashamed of it.  Live it out, your witness will come through – people will want what you have.
• Don’t give in to negative peer pressure.  Negative peer pressure is stupid… Real friends don’t force you into bad situations and surely don’t lead you into sin.  We call these people “nasty friends”.  If you’ve got ’em, get rid of ’em.  Don’t ruin your life holding on to people who are ruining theirs.
• If you are struggling, and think that you’ve got it bad or that you’re really suffering for the increase of the Kingdom, read about St Paul in 2 Corinthians 11/12.  That’s some good perspective, huh?!
• There’s a big difference between being a strong Catholic man who stands for something good as compared to a “culturally manly” guy who wants the “glamorous” lifestyle of money, power, women and stuff.  College campus life increases these bad desires exponentially.
• Many women on your college campus won’t understand the chivalry you extend to them.  Do it anyway, with charity and a smile.  Be a radical change on your campus.
• Being a TrueMan doesn’t mean you can’t have anything to drink, or that you can’t go to any parties.  It means that you put yourself in good situations, that point you towards heaven and you act in moderation and with prudence.  Remember, Jesus hung out with sinners, but not when they were sinning.  (*Keep in mind that a TrueMan abides by the law, and whether you agree with the drinking-age in the US or not, it is the law.  A TrueMan wouldn’t risk it.  If you’re underage, just say no.)
• Strive for excellence in all things.  Start by being sober and chaste.  If you conquer these two areas, you’re well on your way.
• As much as it seems untrue, women don’t want to marry the dirtball, drunkard, C-minus-student types.  They want a gentleman, a man who’s going to provide for them, a man who loves them and shows their love by respecting them and by being self-sacrificing.  They want a man who is going to be a great dad and a hard worker.  There’s nothing wrong with stacking the deck on this topic!  Put all the cards in your favor from the get-go!

All in all, college is a great time for a young man.  Live it up.  Enjoy it.  In all things, be focused on Christ, live virtue and especially, live joy.

TrueMan up!

NO! To the Lingerie “Football” League

I didn’t know this was a real thing, but apparently, the Lingerie Football League is real.  I had seen various advertisements for this before, mostly on TV around the time of the Super Bowl each year, but had no idea that his is a full-fledged league, with actual games, tickets, refs and fans.  The LFL, as they call it, is hoping to expand to the new market of Nashville, Tennessee soon, but groups like “Girls Against Porn” have attempted to put a stop to this expansion.

Just reading the names of the LFL teams tells me that this entire “product” is scandalous, in the same vein as strip clubs, prostitution and exploitation of women.  Here are a few… San Diego Seduction, Dallas Desire, Los Angeles Temptation, Philadelphia Passion, Orlando Fantasy.  This CANNOT be what the next generation of young women and girls thinks is authentically feminine!

Many people automatically ask the question, “what’s so wrong about this?”  I ask, “Name one thing that is right about this.”  Nothing!  The objectification of women happens in so many places and in so many ways, why do women continue to allow it to happen to themselves?  Why do men continue to objectify women?  Why do we stand idly by and do nothing anything about it?

There’s no virtue in this.  There’s no honor, pride or goodness in this.  It’s pornography on the football field.  Not to mention on the internet, the TV (pay per view) and in magazines.

Tiffany Helfrich, founder and president of Girls Against Porn, has created a petition, in hopes of stopping the LFL from opening its doors in Nashville.  Here is what she writes about the petition…

Help put a stop to the expansion of this exploitation of women in America.  If you are inclined to sign the petition, you can find it HERE.

TrueMan up!

Changing a Man

Is it possible to change a person?  Specifically, is it possible to change a man?  I hear this topic brought up a lot, especially in the case of bad relationships.  The question is frequently asked in regards to a man who isn’t doing what he’s supposed to be doing.  The question is frequently coming after hindsight kicks in and someone recognizes that they picked a less-than-perfect-man to date, marry or befriend.

So, what do you think?  Is it possible to change a person?  Is it possible for a person with little-to-no-potential to change?  I firmly believe so!  Why do I believe so firmly in this?  Because I changed!  I change everyday, I strive to get better, I strive to change my ways – further away from my desires, interests and comforts, and more towards Christ Jesus!  I think we all have the internal power to change for the better.

I write this post because I see situations regularly, and some very “close to home”, that cause me to wonder why people (men specifically) don’t change!?!  There are so many wonderful things in life to experience, and so much good to be done, and so many people to influence for the positive… why do some people wallow in their filth?  It boggles my mind.

I look at my life and notice that I desire change.  If my wife isn’t happy with something I’m doing, I don’t become defensive and argumentative, I work on getting better!  If my children aren’t responding to my parenting, I don’t blame them, I work to be a better father.  If my prayer life isn’t as strong as I need it to be, I don’t get angry at God, I pray more.  You see, in my life, I have learned that I must be the cause for the change I want to see.  I can’t blame others for things I don’t like.  I can’t sit around and stay stagnant.  I can’t be okay with mediocre.  I must work to grow, to change, to be the man that God created me to be.  We all must do this!

One other thing here… If you know a guy who needs to change, give him the chance.  Have really high expectations and don’t settle for second best.  He has the potential to be better, he just might need to see that someone expects more out of him and that it really does matter how he lives, treats others and believes.  However, if you’ve given someone a chance, and they constantly choose to make poor decisions, to wallow in their filth and refuse to grow, be careful how much you invest in them.  I’m not telling you to stop investing in them, I’m merely suggesting that you be careful.  Ladies – if you are dating a man who doesn’t want to change, be very weary to stay with him.  You deserve a man who will strive to be the best he can be.  Don’t expect marriage to make it better, it may in fact make it worse.

TrueMan up!

A Way for a Woman to Guard Her Heart

I was asked not too long ago what “guard your heart” really means.  The answer isn’t cut and dry, especially because each of us has different experiences, different relationships, different baggage, etc.  However, when asked this question, I attempted to answer with an analogy that I’d like to share with you now.  I told the young woman the following:

(For the Ladies) Imagine that your heart is inside a giant mansion.  Imagine that at the outskirts of the mansion there’s a guard tower with an armed guard inside.  Surrounding the mansion is a 15′-high electrified fence.  Inside the fence are several Dobermans who haven’t eaten lately.  On this side of the dogs is a large, triple-thick, rock wall with a gate that has a special code used to get in.  Inside the rock wall is a large bullet-proof metal door with 7 deadbolts.

Now imagine that you’re early in a relationship with a man.  Guarding your heart is prudently allowing the guard to take an extended leave of absence.  The fence is still electrified, the dogs are still there, the gate is still down and the door is still locked – 7 times no less.  The man gets a little closer to your heart, but still doesn’t have unlimited access.  Little by little you reduce the security and over time, through prudent thinking and decision making, you begin to allow the man closer to your heart and allow him to have more access to you.  He gazes into your heart from a distance… sort of like looking through the windows of the mansion… and from his gaze, he begins to learn about your heart.  Seeing into the heart is different than having unabated access to the heart.

For many people, it may seem too hard to guard their heart.  For many people, it may seem too late to guard their heart.  If pain from relationships-gone-bad, lack of trust after a break up (or after every break up) and utter disappointment in relationships in general is fun for you, then keep up the common mistakes and lack of protection for your heart.  If, however, you come to understand that your heart is worth guarding because you are a precious daughter of God and because you deserve only the best in life, then take the necessary steps to start guarding your heart now.  If a man in your life is too close to your heart (or maybe inside the mansion), do what’s best for you and ask him to take a few steps back.  It will be hard at first, and may even seem pointless, but in the long run, it will be a blessing.  Trust me.

The analogy is based on the context of a relationship, but we should each be guarding our hearts from evil, sin and unclean outside influences as well.

Men, if you are too close to a woman’s heart, or inside the mansion, do the respectable, virtuous thing and take some steps backward.  This is not to suppress your feelings, your love or your desire for her.  This behavior is to show her that she’s worth the very best.  At the right time, you take the proper steps to win over her heart fully.  Once married, hearts become one in the Sacrament.

TrueMan up!

A Dating Tip, or Two

The other day, I posted the “Superman Dates” video clip.  I got a little bit of feedback on it, and felt like it was important to talk about some other aspects of dating, for both ladies and guys.

Ladies: what I am about to say is always true, in every situation, no matter what.  YOU DESERVE NOTHING BUT THE BEST.  You do.  You deserve a man who respects you, who serves you, who cherishes you, who believes and demonstrates that there is no one more important or special for him and you deserve a man who puts his full energy and attention into your relationship.  If he doesn’t, then he’s not good enough for you.  Plain and simple.  If he doesn’t care enough to do the little things in a dating relationship, why would anyone ever expect him to start caring when you are married?  Or when times get tough?  Or when you have kids?  The little things he does/doesn’t do while dating are foreshadowing his future behavior. 

It’s also vitally important that you set you standards high, from the beginning.  If you wait until you’re in a relationship to create a list of “must haves” it will be incredibly difficult to see beyond the emotion, history and investment of your current relationship.  Once you create your list, don’t stray from it.  (Add to it, but don’t stray from it.)  If you grow, mature and change as a person, your list can change with you, as long as it’s what best for you and your future.

If all the women in the world increased their standards (and wouldn’t compromise on them) it would force men to change their behavior.  Now, I’m not saying that it’s the fault of females that men can be bad in relationships or in society or that they don’t know what it means to be a TrueMan.  What I’m saying is that if women were to have a standard and keep it, that men would have to check their crass, immature, childish, destructive behavior at the door and make positive choices to raise themselves up to be worthy of dating a woman.  Ladies, you hold the power to make your future bright by choosing a man that deserves you because you know that you deserve the very best.

Guys: I’ll most likely get into our part of the dating world in upcoming posts, but for now, read through the ladies’ section and check yourself.  If a woman had a list, would your actions, choices and behavior warrant you being selected as “sufficient”?  If not, think about things you can do to change so that when “the one” comes along, you’re ready to treat her like your queen.

Man up!

Superman Dates

I came across this video from BlueFishTV… funny stuff.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=efI-spY4vZ0]

This lighthearted approach to making a few jokes about dating brings up some good points:

1. Dating is difficult – I’m married and boy, am I glad I don’t have to date any more.  The pressure, the games, the awkwardness.  Yuck.  Everyone is looking for love, which is a good thing.  Just know that it’s hard for both parties.

2. The success/failure of the date is typically based on the behavior of the male – Ladies, a man should be out to find you, win you over and have you fall in love with him.  It’s a quest for men, so let them do it.  This does NOT mean that you should lower your standards.  If some guy “blew your head right off…”, you better walk away a little faster than she did.

3. Just because you’re “super” doesn’t mean that you’re good at dating – don’t expect miracles just because some guy is popular, handsome or powerful (in one way or another).  Being super doesn’t make you a good match or a good boyfriend and it won’t make you a good spouse either.

Man up!