Four Days For Fathers – Day 4

What an incredible gift it is to be a father!  In the past 3 years, I have learned so much about myself, about life, about love, about commitment, about perseverance, about patience, about truth… all from my little girls.  There’s no doubt in my mind, being a father is the best thing in the world.

Thank you, to my wife, Catherine.  Without you, I wouldn’t be the man I am today and I wouldn’t have the incredible children that I have.  I love you.  You are my bestfriend and my inspiration.

Thank you, to my children…

Lily Bear – You are so sweet and loving.  You are a wonderful ‘oldest’ sister.  You brighten everyday for me.

Emmie Bear – You are so full of joy and your smiles warm my heart.  You make me laugh and are so excited about Baby, which encourages me too!

Baby DiNuzzo – You are so loved, and we’ve never even met you.  You make Father’s Day special in your own unique way.

Love, Daddy Bear

*** Best part of Father’s Day 2010… time with my family on a beautiful Colorado day, and my children behaved in Mass!

Four Days For Fathers – Day 3

Day 2’s post brings to mind another topic about fathers and sons that should be addressed.  There are a great number of people, both men and women, that believe that men can’t be sentimental, affectionate or caring.  If they are, then they must be effeminate, homosexual or other.  These same people believe that a father shouldn’t have to tell his son that he loves him… that the boy should know merely by what his father does.  Usually, the father (in this sort of situation) ‘shows’ his love by his hard work, by his determination, by what he provides for his family.  What’s lacking, though, is the verbal communication between father and son.  Without this communication, a large gap can take place where the son is longing for affirmation and the father is scared to share his feelings, in fear of not appearing ‘manly enough’ for his child.

Usually, what a son wants most in life (at least at a young age) is to make his father proud of him.  When the son doesn’t receive the communication he desires from his father, it typically results in one of two scenarios.  1. He vows to be a different and better kind of father to his own children… or 2. he perpetuates the problem with his own children.

It’s a bit different between a father and his daughters – a sensitive father of daughters is looked at as if he’s doing it right.  Firm, with high expectations, yet loving, tender and caring.

I know that many of you reading this post have daddy-shaped-holes in your life.  I realize that reading about it and thinking about it may be difficult.  While that may be true, I know that a solid way to get over the problems is to bring them to the light, to discuss them and to try to move past them.  The only way to really get over them is to realize that God the Father is your loving father in Heaven and that He has plans for your welfare.  (Read Jeremiah 29:11.)

Also, I want to address a topic from my first paragraph.  Above, I wrote “There are a great number of people, both men and women, that believe that men can’t be sentimental, affectionate or caring.  If they are, then they must be effeminate, homosexual or other.” A TrueMan is not effeminate or homosexual, but is virtuous.  Virtue is the only way for a man to fully live out ‘manliness’.  Period.

Fathers – talk with your children, grown or young.  Set the example of how to love but also commit to saying the words “I love you” on a regular basis.  I recommend saying it every chance you get.

TrueMan up!

“Be A Dad!”

Here’s an article from Fr. Larry Richards, a great priest and awesome speaker.  Thought you’d like it.

“Be a Dad!” | Fr. Larry Richards | Adapted and excerpted from Be a Man! Becoming the Man God Created You to Be | Ignatius Insight

You are going to die!

It doesn’t matter how rich we are, or how popular we are, or how powerful we are: we are all going to “kick the bucket” one day. Isn’t that a nice thought?

What we have to do is take some time to sit and meditate about taking our last breath. What do you want your wife to say about you? What do you want your kids to say about you? Once you’ve decided, “Okay, when I am taking my last breath this is what I want”, you can start living your life with your end goal in mind. You will start living in such a way that when the day of your death happens, the people who know you will say what you want them to say.

Death is the ultimate thing that takes control out of our hands. Even if we commit suicide, we cannot control what happens after we die. Not one of us had control over our own birth and not one of us has control of what happens after we die.

I have been to a lot of deathbeds throughout my priesthood, so I know what it is going to be like when you are dying. While you are lying there, the thing that is going to be most important to you is your relationships—the people that you loved and the people that in return loved you.

Then why don’t we live every day with that in mind? Make the decision to never let your wife or your kids go to bed or walk out the door without telling them first that you love them—life is just too short! It will change your family. It will change the world.

You should underline John 15:12 in your Bible, where Jesus commands us, “Love one another as I have loved you.” This is not an option. He also said, “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you” (Jn 15:9). Jesus told the people He loved that He loved them.

Why is it that men do not do that? Men are embarrassed. They are afraid. It makes them vulnerable. They think to be a man, you don’t go around telling the people you love that you love them; but Jesus told twelve men that He loved them. Then He told us to love others in the same way.

Let me give you a hint: you will never in your life regret that you told your wife and your kids and the people you love that you love them—never. You won’t be lying on your deathbed one day saying, “I can’t believe that I daily told my loved ones that I loved them. What is the matter with me?”

Now, how do you fall in love with someone? You know that you did not get to know your future wife by meeting her once and giving her forty five minutes to an hour once a week. You spent time with her. You got to know her. The same is true with our relationship with God. It might take you months—it might take you years—but you have to do it. You have to keep spending time with God until the answer to the question of whether or not you know God is unequivocally yes.

We need to know who our true Father is. There’s only one Father for everybody: God the Father! That guy you call your dad, he’s the instrument of fatherhood, but he’s not your true Father.

When we talk about our fathers—whether we had a good father, a bad father, a close and supportive father, or a distant and unsupportive father whom we did not know at all—it doesn’t matter as much because the reality is, we all have the same Father in heaven. It’s that Father Who will bring healing to us.

Husbands are called to love God primarily through their wives. Your wife is the sacrament of Christ to you. You are the sacrament of Christ to your wife. When she looks at you, she is supposed to see Jesus Christ. That is why Ephesians 5:22–24 is such a wonderful passage. It says, “Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church, his body, and is himself its Savior. As the Church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands.” Many of us remember the translation that said that wives were to be “submissive to their husbands”. The problem is that many men just stop with their wives being “submissive”. The men love that part, which is why so many women go crazy.

I make this very explicit when I am preaching at a marriage ceremony. I start with the bride and I say, “Sweetheart, you read the Bible every day, don’t you?” At first I usually get a “Yes, Father”, and then I say kiddingly, “If you lie to a priest, you know, you go to hell.” Then she will usually quickly say, “Okay, no, Father.” Then I continue, “Well, there is a verse in Ephesians that says, ‘Wives, be submissive to your husbands, as to the Lord.’ ” And then I ask, “Do you think it means what it says?” And I always get an emphatic “No, Father!” Then I literally jump up and down and scream, “Yes, it means what it says!” When I say this, all the feminists in the crowd become very upset and say things like, “This is another reason I hate the Catholic Church.” And the bride thinks, “Why did we ever get this priest to marry us?” I love this!

Then, as anyone who knows me knows, I am an equal opportunity offender, so I turn to the groom, who usually likes all of this. Now it is time for the other shoe to fall. I then ask the groom, “You read the Bible every day, right?” He always responds, “No, Father.” Then I ask, “Well, do you know what it says in Ephesians after ‘Wives, be submissive to your husbands’?” The groom always shakes his head and says, “No.” Then I continue, “It says, ‘Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her.’ ” Then I ask, “Do you know what that means?” I then continue kiddingly, “Your life is over!” Then I tell them that every day they need to be more concerned about each other than they are about themselves! That is what marriage is about!

So you need to start to do at least one unselfish act for your wife every day. Surprise her. When was the last time you treated her the same way you did when you were still trying to get her to marry you?

Next, let us focus on your children, which I think is easier because they are a part of you. Do we allow our children to be themselves? Some people think that the best father you can be is a strong disciplinarian. Absolutely, I agree. But just as much as you discipline your children, you must also build them up.

Sometimes we are just harsh and we think this is what God wants, but that isn’t the way God is. God loves us. He gives away His life for us. And then He always tells us He loves us. Correct?

One of the roles that men have, given to them by God (see Gen 3:16; 1 Cor 11:3; Eph 5:23), is to be the spiritual leaders of their families. Now this is where I have called men “spiritual wimps” for many years. Many men have let their wives be the spiritual leaders of their families, but this is not the way God created it to be. Now this does not mean that you are the master of your wife and family; it means, like Jesus Christ, you are the servant leader of your family.

First off, this means that you lead by example. You must be a man of prayer. For it is only as a son who listens to his heavenly Father that you can bring the will of the Father to your family. You cannot be a good and true leader unless you are a true and good follower. You must daily spend committed time in prayer with God, then lead your family in prayer. Do you have daily committed time with your family in prayer? And no, grace before meals is not enough!

You need to be the spiritual leader by being a man of sacrifice. You exist to give your life away for others, like Jesus did. That means you give your life for your family first and foremost.

My good friend Danny Abramowicz loves to tell men at men’s conferences: “Men, your kids will always love their mother, but they want to become just like you!” If we are not holy ourselves, then our families will not be holy. It is that simple. God is going to speak to men, women, and children, but He is speaking especially to men to help us be His very image.

You are the sacrament of Fatherhood to your children just like St. Joseph was the sacrament of Fatherhood to Jesus. Just as God used St. Joseph to form Jesus Christ in His humanity, so too does He want to use you to form your children. So I would encourage you before you read any further to stop and ask St. Joseph for his intercession for you so you can grow in holiness.

The Lord God of the universe is calling all of us to be great men, men that are examples of Him and who use Him as our example. We are called to become another Christ in this world. Our goal is to bring others to Him.

Do it and you will live forever.

Where are the Men? Part 2

In the last post, I mentioned how while attending a Saturday evening Vigil Mass at a local parish, I noticed that only 4 of 31 servant-leadership roles were filled by men.  Of those 4 positions of service, 1  was a young boy altar server, 2 were Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion and 1 was in the happy happy clap clap band.  The problem is not the women, the problem is the men.  Here’s why…

When men are absent from servant-leadership (in anything, not just at Mass) the ‘thing’ does not function properly.  When a father is absent from his family, when a husband is absent from his wife, when a priest is absent from his parish, when a coach is absent from his team, when a boss is absent from his employees, when a commander is absent from his troops… the family, marriage, parish, team, company and unit do not function correctly.  At Mass, specifically, we must correct the dysfunctions because they are widespread and have a large scope of influence.  The way to correct the dysfunction is to encourage and challenge men to act in the way in which God created them to be.  To grasp this picture, let’s look at the creation account in the Book of Genesis.

God created Adam.  From Adam’s side, He created Eve.  Adam was commanded by God to “shamar” the garden.  Shamar is Hebrew for cultivate, protect, care for, etc.  It was Adam’s job to cultivate the land, protect the garden, his wife and all of creation, but from the onset, Adam dropped the ball.  When the serpent convinced Eve to eat of the fruit, where was Adam?  Gone in another place in the garden?  No.  Was he over at some buddy’s house drinking a cold one, watching the big game?  No.  He was right beside her!  [After all, she turned and handed him the fruit that she had just eaten from.]  He was neglecting to protect the garden and his wife and failed to do what God created him to do.  The Fall = Adam’s fault!  When this sort of behavior (when men fail to cultivate, protect and care for) continues to prevail, the Church suffers greatly.

The choices Adam made are, in some way, the same decisions that many Catholic men today are making.  Instead of cultivating the Church, protecting the Church and caring for the Church, men sit back and allow women to ‘do’.  If you look at parishes and/or dioceses that are incredibly strong, that have great priests, that have large properly-functioning families and they have large numbers of seminarians, you’ll see that it is almost undoubtedly because men are involved as leaders!

The problem with men sitting back and allowing women (who are willing and ready to step in) to fill the gap is that the general population of men either don’t attend Mass or simply lose interest, although their backside is filling a spot in the pew.  This sort of behavior teaches children that men don’t need faith and that faith is a ‘woman’s thing’.  Many men believe that faith, religion, prayer, devotion, etc. is feminine and actually, anti-masculine.  They couldn’t be further from the truth.  As I have stated many times before, being manly means that a man is virtuous.  Faith, Hope and Love, the Theological Virtues, are the real signs of manliness.  In an upcoming post, I will continue with the thought of what happens when men and women don’t fulfill their roles and how it affects the Church as a whole, titled “The Church: By Women, For Women.”

TrueMan up!

True Devotion to Jesus, Through Mary

Today is the feast day of St. Louis de Montfort.  St. Louis lived in the 17th and 18th centuries and his greatest contribution to the faith was that of perseverance in the face of critique and encouragement of the Church to be devoted to Jesus through Mary.  For many, this Catholic teaching is hard because they may see devotion to Mary as an unnecessary practice, and in some cases, as blasphemous.  Others may see devotion to Mary as something less-than-manly.  On the contrary!  Devotion to Mary, which St. Louis stressed in both writings, words and deeds, is the way to grow incredibly close to her son, our Lord, Jesus.  As men, we have a great deal to learn about obedience and can learn a lot from Mary’s example.

First, the Maryology… there’s too much that would go into giving a dissertation on Mary here, however, I will draw attention to her place in salvation history.  Mary accepted God’s will in her life and enthusiastically followed.  Through her ‘yes’, Christ came into the world.  Christ means King, and Mary therefore is the Queen Mother.  The Queen Mother sits with the King petitioning for His loyal servants. (1 Kings 1:19.)  By her ‘yes’, we reap the benefits of our Saviour.

St. Louis shows us that the theological virtues are the way to TrueManhood.  He set a great example for us to achieve the virtues of faith, hope and love.  The world attempts to tell men that these virtues are feminine and unnecessary.  Take a look at just about any piece of media and you will see a direct attack against these virtues.  St. Louis demonstrated great courage in the face of opposition and persecution to strive for faith, hope and love.

Lastly, a brief word of encouragement in regards to the Rosary.  Faithful Catholics don’t just ‘say’ the Rosary, we ‘pray’ the Rosary.  The Rosary is a mixture of reciting communal prayers (Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be, etc.) AND a deep meditation (simultaneously, mind you) of the mysteries of the Rosary.  The mysteries point directly to Christ’s life and ministry, culminating in His saving work of dying on the cross for our sins – the greatest example of manliness we have!  Pray on!

The Rosary is our sword in the battle of Good vs. Evil.

TrueMan up!

Vocational Discernment

Something that I’ve been discussing lately at the Air Force Academy among some of the faithful Catholic cadets is the topic of vocational discernment.  For those who may not know, a vocation is a calling.  (From the Latin, vocare.)  The world would like to suggest that our calling is to something like an occupation; something we are drawn to and enjoy.  Vocations, however, are much deeper than this.  Vocations are about the call from God that will bring us fulfillment and happiness in life, to prepare us for life eternal with God in Heaven.  The discernment part is how someone goes about listening to the call and applying that call in their life.

Many of the young men I have been discussing vocations with lately seem to know that they are called to the priesthood – however, they are all in different places with their decision making process.  One young man is denying his call.  Another is preparing to leave to enter seminary in a few months.  Another wants badly to leave and enter a religious order, yet, doesn’t have the support from important family members.  They are all journeying towards Christ.  In this journey, they will find their way if they keep their eyes on Christ.

If you are currently discerning your vocation – married, religious or consecrated single life -, I recommend you take the following steps.

1. Have an active, daily Sacramental and prayerful life.
2. Seek a qualified spiritual director and meet with him regularly.
3. Read good quality, orthodox, Catholic spiritual books.
4. Talk to lots of people – priests, religious, seminarians, married men, married fathers and single men.  Gather that information and prudently process it.  (Ask lots of questions.)
5. Spend at least 2 minutes per day gazing at a crucifix contemplating Christ’s example of love.

A word to family and friends of men discerning their vocation.  I urge you to support them, whether you agree or not with their decisions.  If a young man chooses the priesthood, via a call from God, don’t think that it’s an abrogation of life, or life as you know it.  The priesthood is an incredible calling and must be respected and supported.  Many believe that the priesthood is suppressing reality and suppressing sexuality and suppressing the desire to have a family.  This is simply not true.  Please, refrain from being a stumbling block in a man’s discernment.  Support him, love him, answer his questions, attempt to guide him.  In the end, however, it’s the man’s decision, not yours.

Here’s a short clip called “Fishers of Men” from the Vocations Office in NYC.  Click HERE if you can’t see the video below.

TrueMan up!

Tuesdays with Daddy – Father’s Edition

To all the men who are fathers… today’s “Tuesdays with Daddy” is for you.  Unfortunately, my opportunity to be home with my girls on Tuesdays will be coming to an end in about a month.  I thought it would be a good idea to put forth a challenge to all the dads out there, to keep you thinking, to keep you purposeful in your parenting.  Read over these questions and be honest with yourself about the answers.  If something’s not up to par, make a change today.  I believe that we are all on a journey towards being the best father that we can be.  The journey requires us to always be moving forward, always toward being better.

• Do you tell your children, not just everyday, but every chance you have, that you love them?
• Do your actions match up with your words?
• Do you love your wife?
• Does your love (action!) match up with your “I love yous”?
• Do your children see you loving your wife?
• Do your children have a healthy and realistic understanding of love, or is it what they see on television, in movies and online?
• Do you prioritize your life well?  Or do you give one (or more) part more attention and neglect the other things you ought to be doing?
• Are you addicted to anything?  Porn?  Alcohol?  ESPN?  Work? etc.
• Are you working to overcome your addiction?  (Ask me if you need resources… Dave@TrueManhood.com)
• Do you strive to grow in virtue?
• Are you faithful to a daily prayer life?  To a Sacramental life?
• Do your children know that you pray?
• Do you pray with your children everyday?
• Are you actively involved in the spiritual formation of your children daily?
• Do you pass on responsibilities and place them on your wife and/or childcare provider?
• Do you rejoice in your children?
• What else do you need to work on?

Man up!

“Our lives change when our habits change.”  – Matthew Kelly

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