Weddings Are About The Marriage

A few weeks ago, a colleague and great friend began his marriage.  The Nuptial Mass was beautiful and the party was lots of fun.  This weekend, some other longtime (and very special) friends are celebrating the start of their marriage.  We (my wife and I) couldn’t be more happy for these couples.  We know how incredible marriage can be and pray for only the best for these and all couples as they start into their vocation of marriage.

Often times, the wedding events can get the better of a couple and the point and purpose is lost in the colors, the flowers, the cake and the music – among a slew of about a million other ‘details’.  We experienced this in our wedding preparations, to some extent, and know that it is a temptation for most couples.  To keep it all in perspective… the wedding is all about the marriage.  The marriage is all about sanctification!  To be one with your helpmate and to help her get to Heaven.  To be blessed (if it be God’s will) with children and to help them get to Heaven.

A topic that I am convicted by is, as many of you have read before, my saying “Make the Choice to Love.”  It is so necessary and, in my estimation, the only way to give yourself fully to your spouse – by making the loving choice 100% of the time.  Below is a previous article that I wrote for iibloom.com called “The Choice to Love.”  I hope you like it and I hope it is helpful.

“Early in our marriage, my wife would ask me, in a somewhat sarcastic tone, “Are you making the choice to love right now?” It would stop me dead in my tracks to realize that I wasn’t. I like to think of myself as having a strong head on my shoulders and an ability to admit when I’m wrong. When my wife would ask that question, I knew that, in fact, I wasn’t making the choice to love and that I was dead wrong. I was not giving my wife the love and respect that she deserved. I took the unity that we had promised to one another in our wedding vows and I shattered it, so that I could be right. My need to be right was why I would argue. I would argue because I was stubborn. I was stubborn because I was self-centered. Notice that each of these scenarios containschoice and action. Instead of needing to be right, I should compromise and come to a common-ground understanding. Instead of arguing, I should suck up my pride and admit to my portion of the wrong doings and never, under any circumstances, should I place blame. (Placing blame activates defense mechanisms. Once defense mechanisms have been activated, good luck coming to the before mentioned common-ground understanding.) Instead of being stubborn, I should be humble. Instead of being self-centered, I should be marriage centered. I should make the choice to love.

If I always make the choice to love, I am making the decision that will best allow my marriage to grow and succeed. Love is a verb and requires action. The choice to love removes selfishness, pride and arrogance. Making the choice to love means and assures me that:

1. I am making the best decision for my marriage.
2. I am making the best decision for my spouse.
3. I am making the best decision for my family.
4. I am making the best decision for my family’s future.
5. I am making the best decision for myself. (By putting myself on this list, I am not forgetting that I am an integral part of the success or failure of my marriage.)

(The best decision, in this context, means making the decision that I know to be the best, at the time, with the knowledge and understanding that I have. The best decision is made with clear conscience and free from clouded judgment.)

The most important aspect of making the choice to love is a commitment from both spouses. Making the choice to love does not work when only one of the spouses participates. If you are in a relationship where your spouse does not respond to being asked to make the choice to love, I suggest that you have a serious conversation with them about their actions and how it might negatively affect your marriage relationship. (This is not gender specific, both the husband and the wife must make every effort to make the choice to love.) Insist on this, your marriage is counting on you. This principle will not work if both parties are not fully committed. We made a commitment to each other that whenever one of us mentions “make the choice to love,” we promise to immediately stop our behavior and make the conscious decision to love. We promised one another. It requires devotion and perseverance. We put aside our bad habits, pride and selfish tendencies and choose to love the other fully and without reservation.

The saying, “Make the Choice to Love,” holds a great amount of depth. It radically transformed our marriage. I want everyone to love marriage, either their own or simply the thought of marriage. It is possible for everyone to have an amazing, loving and wonderful life-giving marriage. “Make the Choice to Love.”

“Courageous” Opens Tomorrow

VERY RARELY do I get excited about a movie debuting in the theaters.  To put my theater-movie-watching in perspective, the last two movies I’ve seen in the theater have been “Tangled”, which I took my oldest daughter to as a special daddy-daughter date and the 4th Indiana Jones.  (That one came out in the summer of 2008.)  So, you can see that I don’t frequent the movie theater.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy movies, but I struggle terribly to find time to go to the theater and I struggle even more with paying ticket prices for movies nowadays!  (Tangled was a matinee with a coupon, and someone gave me free passes for Indiana Jones.)

BUT… I must say that I am VERY excited about an upcoming movie that is making its way to the big screen tomorrow (Friday, September 30, 2011).  The movie is called “Courageous”.  The producers of this film also produced the movie “Fireproof” (and a few others), which I thought was a good movie.  If “Fireproof” was good, “Courageous” is great!  I had the privilege of pre-screening the movie with my colleagues at our office and have the honor of being part of The King’s Men, one of the ministry-resources for men after they see the movie.

For the pre-screening, I went in very skeptical.  I went in believing that Sherwood Pictures was going to make the movie cheesy with Bible innuendos and very heavy, to the point of burdensome, like they did in “Fireproof”.  Not so.  “Courageous” was very well done and had just the right amount of the “Jesus-factor” so as to still be relate-able as a tool for evangelization purposes with men who are non-believers.  This movie has action, drama, suspense, thrills, excitement and a host of other great characteristics.  I cannot recommend this movie high enough.  Go see it, even at current ticket prices, and show Hollywood that Americans want good, wholesome entertainment and not the garbage they have been spewing for years.

This movie is real.  It is about real men, attempting to live through some real life issues and situations.  It’s very practical and very helpful.  The acting is top notch, the storyline is right on and the cinematography is great.  Again, I cannot recommend this movie enough. (The trailer is located on our homepage on the right side.)

After you see the movie, you may want to get involved.  If you desire to follow in the example of the men in the movie, and become part of a small men’s group, I have a turn-key solution for you.  I’m happy to recommend a format for a men’s small group meeting that is easily duplicated, dynamic, and proven.  We do not charge dues, have no membership and offer incredible support to our leaders.  Don’t try to reinvent the wheel – we have the track record of  a program that works.  Men’s lives are changed because of it.  Men who invest themselves into a men’s small group experience extreme growth and positive change.  Don’t wait another day!  If your parish/church/group/city/area gather enough men together, I can personalize a leader’s training workshop for you and train all of your facilitators in a day-long training session, complete with resource manual and all the how-to’s and nuts and bolts you could ever need.

If we don’t currently have any groups nearby, maybe this is the day you step up and start one.  Contact me for all the resources and support you need.  Info@TrueManhood.com.

TrueMan up!

Mentoring Boys into Virtuous Catholic Men

We concentrate our energy on forming and building men.  At Fraternus, a great Catholic apostolate, they concentrate on forming boys into men.  “Mentoring boys into virtuous Catholic men.”  That’s what they’re all about.

What’s happening in these boys’ lives is transforming, and will make an impact on them for years to come.  For boys, you have to engage them with the things that speak to their inner being – the things that make them wild, rough, adventurous and challenged.  This is the way Christ lived, that’s why it’s so appealing to boys.  It’s real, it’s authentically masculine and it’s really fun.

When you can reach a boy, you can teach him and form him.  When a boy is taught and formed properly, he becomes a great man.  Our world needs a lot of great men.

Please take a few moments to watch their video and visit their website.

TrueMan up!

Porn Shop Shuts Down Near Buffalo, NY

Lots of people ask us if we believe that we can make a difference with our protests of sexually oriented businesses.  We always answer “Of course!”  When we’re out there, it’s easy to question our effectiveness, but we do make a difference.  The Catholic men’s group in Buffalo, NY knows this well, too.  They call themselves The Men of Jesus Christ.  I suggest you check out their website.  Here’s a recent story from them about a porn shop they were instrumental in shutting down.

Now this isn’t news from the Wall Street Journal, but for us in this small town of Kenmore NY, it is a tremendous victory.  I am talking about the Village Books and News adult shop located in one of the most densely populated family areas in Buffalo.  It is a full fledged porn shop and has been in the town for over 30 years.  Indecency laws have been passed to ban pornography shops in the town, but since this the shop was established before the laws were passed, they were grandfathered in, and has remained the eye-sore of the community.  The other day as I was passing by I noticed that the neon sign that says “Adult Video” has been turned off for the first time in 30 years, and a sign that says the store is closed.  A shop that was open 24 hours a day is now gone.

The last time people protested the establishment was in the days of its inception back in the late 70’s and since then it has been tucked in a plaza that most people don’t pay attention to, not because they feel it isn’t harmful, but because it has been there for so long, and its reign has finally come to an end.

It wasn’t until a couple years ago when a couple of us guys decided to pray out there on a weekly basis when a revival began, and it was met with a fight.  We decided to engage in prayer and nothing else in front the place.  Peaceful and prayerful.  We were met with the police threatening arrest, to people screaming and shouting at us, to engaging conversation from people wondering what we were doing.  This one time we were praying as we usually do, and a guy was walking toward us.  When he passed us, there was no eye contact, no conversation, and he planted himself right next to us and started praying with us. When we finished, he kept on his way.  It was simply an amazing act of the Holy Spirit.  It is difficult though.  There was a time when a couple of girls were passing by and asked us what we were doing. We told them and they were shocked, only because they felt there there is nothing wrong with it. After a long conversation. the one girl admitted that her father had a huge porn addiction and went on to explain how that affected her as a female and her relationships with other men.  It was touching, but at the same time devastating.

I have a tendency to think we were doing good out there, but when it comes down to it, it was God’s will that lead the way. I cannot help to think that it was prayer that led to the shutdown of this joint, and it was difficult, to say the least to keep it going.  In Buffalo, when its cold, well, its COLD.  And during prayer we got in the habit of kneeling as we sung the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, which needless to say was not pleasant to listen to when you hear voices like ours.  We know it had an effect though.  There was a night when we started singing, and the clerk as he heard us, would increase the volume of a movie playing in the shop.  As he raised the volume inside, we raised the volume outside. You just knew there was a spiritual battle taking place.  We would start with the St. Michael prayer and then entrust the closing of this place to Mary, a living sign of purity, the real Woman, followed by a rosary and the Chaplet of Divine Mercy.  It was our Mother that guided the closing of this place.  It is Her that is leading this mission.

I want to simply conclude that anyone reading this can make a difference in your area.  All you need to do is say YES!  Say yes to going to a place to pray in public even if it makes you feel incredibly uncomfortable.  Christ knows that, and all He asks is for you to be His vessel and He will do the rest. Christ has allowed us to be disciples in His mission and He is calling you too!  You just need to answer the call.  Three guys joined together in prayer in front of multiple indecent shops and this is what God has brought from it:
1) We prayed out in the warmth and the cold for such a long time, and this book shop shuts down after over 30 years.
2) We prayed once outside of the hamburg strip club, the place shuts down a few weeks later
3) We prayed and acted on the pornographic building with a cover sign facing all traffic of a major turnpike, the sign was removed within 2 weeks after the owner said it would never come down.
4) Family Video has yet to get a tenant to their building, which is the cornerstone to them staying economically viable.
This was achieved with a small number of guys. You men reading this can do the same.  What if there were 10 guys?  What if there were 20 guys?  What if there were 100 guys? What of there were teams scattered around the city protesting these places?  We could change an entire community!

You are being called as men to organize and shut these places down, which includes porn shops, strip clubs, and abortion clinics.  If you have not been out, get motivated to change this culture, and in return God will take care of the rest. We will be engaging in more battles to come so stay tuned to the site.  Stay strong brothers and God Bless

Fire House Evangelization

Very recently, I became a member of the local volunteer fire company in our new hometown here in Pennsylvania.  I attended my first training session last night and was fairly impressed with the skills, knowledge and welcoming nature of the men who were there and am happy to finally be living out a childhood dream to be a firefighter.  (My Grandfather Anthony was a volunteer firefighter and ever since I learned that about him, I wanted to do it too.)  But, my work is cut out for me at the fire house.

You see, at the fire house, the apparent need to be macho is very prevalent.  ‘Cultural Manliness’ in full swing.  It’s been a while since I’ve been around this sort of behavior in this sort of context, but it certainly isn’t new to me.  I played sports my entire childhood life, even up into college (FB and Rugby at BC) and it was very prevalent there, too.  The idea that the more smack I talk, or the better zinger I can dish out, or the more raunchy the joke or the more foul the language, then the more manly I am.  Obviously, if you’ve ever read this blog before, you know where I stand on this issue.  These behaviors and characteristics don’t make you more manly, in fact, they diminish a man’s ability to live TrueManhood.

So, as I look forward to getting fire calls, attending training and potentially saving property and lives, I look forward also to the sort of impact I can make in the lives of my fellow brother firefighters.  I plan to make in-roads with men individually and once a relationship is forged and I gain trust and moral authority with them, I will begin to challenge them to not act like the rest of the guys.  We are a small fire company, but have great potential due to our leadership and equipment.  This will be the true test of my ability to live the faith and set a good example.  Most of the men who were present last night did not come off at first glance as being believers, but as with every man, their core is good.  A little refinement (I continue to need LOTS of refinement) will do them some good and they in turn will do even more good than that!

I turn this around on you… where in your life are you surrounded by cultural manliness?  Are there men around you that act like this?  Maybe you’re a firefighter, athlete, military serviceman, salesman, waiter, CEO, construction worker, missionary, or some other profession… where can you make an impact and live as a TrueMan instead of a cultural man?

TrueMan up!

“Winner at Home”

I saw this on the Father’s For Good website and thought it would be good to post here as well.  Great job, Trever Miller!

“Cardinals’ lefthander, a Knight of Columbus, has challenges on and off the field”

By Brian Caulfield

“As he begins his 12th season as a major league pitcher, Trever Miller is familiar with baseball’s performance measurements: earned run average, strikeout-walk ratio, winning percentage, saves and a dozen other metrics. A lanky lefty reliever with the St. Louis Cardinals, who specializes in retiring left-handed batters in late innings, he even holds a major league record for consecutive mound appearances without a win or loss decision. Having pitched for five teams, the 37-year-old hurler’s lifetime record is a respectable 18-16.

But as a father of a child who was born with two holes in her heart and a genetic disorder so rare that it doesn’t have a name, Miller measures success in life in more basic ways these days – the next breath, a winning smile, a new movement from his daughter Grace. She was not supposed to leave the hospital after birth yet turns a miraculous 7 years old in June.

“Faith goes with the territory,” Miller said last month during the Cardinals’ spring training in Florida. “Grace is my hero and my inspiration. She has overcome more physical tests than I ever have in a lifetime of baseball.”

Miller is a member of the Knights of Columbus’ Our Lady of the Rosary Council 8104 in Land o’ Lakes, Florida. He was brought into the fraternal Order by his father, Terry Miller, who serves as financial secretary for the same council. Father and son are both Fourth Degree Knights in Fr. Malachy Hugh Maguire Assembly 2741.

“I grew up Catholic, went to Catholic school” in Louisville, Kentucky, said the younger Miller. He attends Mass each Sunday and when Mass is offered in the Cardinals’ clubhouse through an arrangement with the group Catholic Athletes for Christ.

One of Kentucky’s all-time great baseball stars at Trinity High School, Miller was drafted by the Detroit Tigers after graduating. He spent a few years in the minors before breaking into the big leagues in 1996.

A year earlier, he married Pari, his wife of 16 years, and they have three children: Tyler, 14, who is a member of the Columbian Squires; McKenzie, 13, and Grace. After his youngest child was born, he and his wife had a choice to make about her treatment. The couple opted for life and hope by approving surgery to close the holes in her tiny heart.

Today, she cannot walk or talk, and a simple cold can mean a trip to the emergency room to prevent fluid from filling her lungs. Still, Grace attends school as often as she can and receives regular therapy.

“She’s a battler, she’s tough,” said Terry Miller, her grandfather. “She’s the only child with her condition who has lived beyond one year, so nothing would surprise me, even if she started talking one day. I’m sure she’d have a lot to tell us.”

Trever Miller tells of dark days a few years ago when he was angry with everyone, including God, over his daughter’s condition.

“We were stunned, we didn’t understand,” he recalled. “We had to stress acceptance, and as a father I wanted to fix her situation and I couldn’t. It was a helpless feeling.”

As a man who makes his living by his physical abilities, acceptance has been difficult. “Dads are looked to as Mr. Fix It, but no matter what I couldn’t fix this. It was tough that I couldn’t control this.”

He now pours his frustration into running, completing two 26.2-mile marathons and wearing a t-shirt that reads: “26 for Grace, .2 for me.”

“I think our faith in God and his running was his saving,” his wife said.

Miller agrees. “One thing all this has done is to keep our family praying,” he said. “Because of this, Grace has so many other people praying for her too.”

Trever Miller is hoping for a stellar year with the Cardinals, but he knows that his biggest wins will be at home with his family.”

Good For You, Young Man

Have you heard of this story?  A young man from Iowa, named Joel Northrup, declined to wrestle a young lady in the Iowa High School State Wrestling Tournament.  He lost by default and the young lady he was supposed to wrestle, who won by default, moved on in the tournament.  This was the first time in the 85 year history  that a female wrestled in the state tournament in Iowa.  This year, not only one girl, Cassy, but two girls made it.  The other young lady was named Megan.

Joel said that he didn’t believe that boys should wrestle girls.  I agree with him.  It’s inappropriate.   He said, “I have a tremendous amount of respect for Cassy and Megan and their accomplishments.”  For Northrup, it doesn’t appear to be a fear thing; he’s not afraid of these girls.  He was 35-4 in matches this year and has already had success in Iowa in previous years.  It’s a matter of principle for him.

“Wrestling is a combat sport and it can get violent at times,” said Northrup. “As a matter of conscience and my faith I do not believe that it is appropriate for a boy to engage a girl in this manner. It is unfortunate that I have been placed in a situation not seen in most other high school sports in Iowa.”

Here’s a bit from his coach…

What does he mean by a “matter of my faith?”  What does being a Christian man have to do with not wrestling a woman?  (Just writing that sentence seems silly to me.)  I’d say that it goes back to our creation as men.  It speaks to the heart of a man.  Deep inside every man is a sense of wildness, a rugged “warrior” drive and our natural inclination towards adventure.  There’s nothing natural inside a man that says “I should my brute strength to pin a woman to the floor to win a tournament.”  In the history of wrestling, dating back to the ancient Greeks, men and women never wrestled one another.  In fact, women never wrestled at all.  Females wrestling is a pretty new invention.

It’s a weird proposition, having to wrestle a girl.  I should know… I wrestled two girls in middle school.  Unfortunately, I didn’t have the courage that Joel had, to say “I default”.  The young ladies that I wrestled in middle school were sweet girls, and pretty feminine, they also happened to like to wrestle.  I’m not really sure why.

Some people would then ask, “Dave, what if your daughters came to you and said, “Daddy, I want to wrestle.”?”  What would I say? I’d say no.  It’ll be a ‘no’ if they come and ask me to be a boxer.  It’ll be a ‘no’ if they come and ask me to be an altar server at Mass.  It would be ‘no’ to a lot of questions.  It’s not authentically feminine for women to do things men are naturally inclined to do.  I’ve written about this a lot – we (men and women) were created with equal dignity, but separate roles.  It’s NOT a bad thing, it’s a GREAT thing!  When men do what they were created for and women do what they were created for IT WORKS!  If that gets all screwed up, everything falls apart.

When I write posts like these, I typically get at least one feminist email spewing hate towards me and this view point (which isn’t solely mine – but that of the Church as well).  I get called all sorts of names and get blamed for being a chauvinist and hateful and harsh and intolerant and so forth.  I welcome those emails because it creates good dialogue.  It’s not about some notion of equality, that a woman should be able to do whatever a man can do.  It’s about the notion of order.  So, if you read this and disagree, let me know.

TrueMan up!

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