Busy, Frustrated, Anxious, Confused
Lately, life has been on a lightspeed pace. I think I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. I’m frustrated with various
things, anxious about what’s happening in life and confused as to what God’s doing in my life. But I’m a man… I shouldn’t be admitting this. Right? I should be strong and well-put-together. I should have everything taken care of with time to spare. Right? I should be self-sufficient. I should be completely ahead of the curve. Should, should, should.
Well, we all know that sometimes we aren’t ahead of the curve. Sometimes, life gets busy and we get behind. How do you keep it all straight? How do you keep your head above water? Are you a yes-aholic? Do you have trouble ordering your priorities? (I’ve written about priorities before, just do a search for “PRIORITY” and you’ll find some good stuff.) Do you struggle with loads of work yet waste away time on meaningless activities and hobbies?
I recommend a few things. First and foremost, I recommend that you examine your prayer life. If you’re praying, your foundation is strong and you take the necessary time to sit in 
quiet with God. If you’re not praying, try starting with 15 minutes a day. Along with daily prayer, frequent reception of the Sacraments is vital. Next, I recommend that you organize your life however works best for you. Maybe it’s a planner, a calendar, a list, post-it notes, etc. Don’t just let life happen to you, dictate what your day looks like. Next, I recommend that you (if you’re in the same boat as me) start saying ‘no’ to some things. Today, I cancelled three future meetings (to be rescheduled) and moved two other events around so I could breathe. Do whatever it takes to order your life properly. An ordered life is the goal, because then everything is in it’s proper place. “Living balance means that you’re doing what you want to do. Living order means that you’re doing what you ought to do.”
As men, sometimes we are told that we can’t or shouldn’t rely on others for help. This is not logical, it’s not practical and it’s not Scriptural. Lean on those around you to help you out. Reach out to friends, family, colleagues that will assist you in reaching your goals. Showing vulnerability or the need for help doesn’t mean you’re less manly, it just means that you need some help. In this entire process, I recommend taking life in stride and to remain positive. If you are negative, and if you complain, you will only add stress and strain on your already busy lifestyle.
Best of luck in reaching your goals! Your prayers for me are appreciated as I navigate the everchanging and rapid waters of my life.
TrueMan up!
What Makes Porn So Bad?!
So last post (Porn Gone Mobile) I said that I would talk about why porn is so bad. The totality of the answer can’t fit into this post, so here’s what I’ve got for you today. A great number of people, even those who do not currently look at, use, buy or sell porn, believe that there is nothing wrong with porn. This is a sign of a culture that has completely lost its moral compass. Not only has the moral compass been lost, it has since been replaced with a compass (better stated as a philosophy) that is so far from the truth that it actually denies that absolute truth exists! This philosophy… moral relativism. Relativism states that all things are relative. If you really believe that the composition of the stuff that makes up the ocean is not H2O, but actually H3O7, then in relativism, H3O7 is “truth for you”.
Sure, that’s a silly example, but it can be extended onto any philosophical issue… any issue related to morals, ethics, virtue, choices, life, death… you name it. You may believe that abortion isn’t murder of a human life, but that doesn’t make your belief true. The problem with moral relativism is, well, everything. It denies the absolute truth and leaves everything for the individual to determine. Not a good place to start. If relativism is true, then what Christ did on the cross doesn’t matter. If relativism is true, then God isn’t the ‘unmoved Mover’. If relativism is true, then there’s no definition to what manliness is. So…
That brings us back to porn and why it IS so bad. It’s not that porn is only bad for me and for some other select group of people. It’s not that I’m ‘trying to force my morality on someone’. It’s not that only certain kinds of porn are bad. It’s all intrinsically evil. Catechism of the Catholic Church, paragraph 2354, states: “It offends against chastity because it perverts the conjugal act… It does grave injury to the dignity of its participants… It is a grave offense.” The production of, distribution of and/or the use of pornography damages the individual, causing them to enter into mortal sin, a total turning away from God. It is a lie. It is repulsive.
On another note, porn is intrinsically evil because it destroys our brain’s ability to function properly. When porn is viewed/used, a chemical bond is created. The chemical involved is a hormone, called oxytocin. Oxytocin exists in both males and females. One of the most commonly known occurrences of oxytocin is in child birth. It is one of the bonding agents between a mother and a newborn child – a very powerful bond. Oxytocin is also released in sexual orgasm, thus creating a bond. When the bond is based on a fantasy, ie porn, the bond is incredibly detrimental. This false bond distorts the understanding of the sexual act. Once the distorted bond is in place, often times, the bond continues to deteriorate. Many men choose to allow this bond into their life and then wonder why real intimacy and actual giving of oneself in marriage is so difficult.
If you haven’t been exposed to porn, I urge you to do everything in your power to stay away from it. Porn is just like meth… it only
takes one time. If you have been exposed to porn, it will continue to bond you to the fantasy, to the sexual act, to the addiction. If you’re a single man using porn, the distorted bond will damage your relationships, it will be a stumbling block to finding the right spouse, it will become your motivation. If/When you get married, it will cause you to be selfish in regards to intimacy with your wife, not to mention in day-to-day activities and interactions. If you’re a married man using porn, I’m almost 100% certain that the intimacy with your wife is distorted by your addiction. Not only does it distort your relationship with your wife, it distorts the relationship you have with your children, friends and co-workers.
The good news, as stated before many times, is that freedom from porn exists! I’m walking proof. I had these distortions in my life. It takes a ton of hard work to get over them, as well as daily prayer, the Sacraments and God’s grace. You can do it! Get rid of the porn today!
TrueMan up!
Where are the Men? Part 2
In the last post, I mentioned how while attending a Saturday evening Vigil Mass at a local parish, I noticed that only 4 of 31 servant-leadership roles were filled by men. Of those 4 positions of service, 1 was a young boy altar server, 2 were Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion and 1 was in the happy happy clap clap band. The problem is not the women, the problem is the men. Here’s why…
When men are absent from servant-leadership (in anything, not just at Mass) the ‘thing’ does not function properly. When a father is absent from his family, when a husband is absent from his wife, when a priest is absent from his parish, when a coach is absent from his team, when a boss is absent from his employees, when a commander is absent from his troops… the family, marriage, parish, team, company and unit do not function correctly. At Mass, specifically, we must correct the dysfunctions because they are widespread and have a large scope of influence. The way to correct the dysfunction is to encourage and challenge men to act in the way in which God created them to be. To grasp this picture, let’s look at the creation account in the Book of Genesis.
God created Adam. From Adam’s side, He created Eve. Adam was commanded by God to “shamar” the garden. Shamar is Hebrew for cultivate, protect, care for, etc. It was Adam’s job to cultivate the land, protect the garden, his wife and all of creation, but from the onset, Adam dropped the ball. When the serpent convinced Eve to eat of the fruit, where was Adam? Gone in another place in the garden? No. Was he over at some buddy’s house drinking a cold one, watching the big game? No. He was right beside her! [After all, she turned and handed him the fruit that she had just eaten from.] He was neglecting to protect the garden and his wife and failed to do what God created him to do. The Fall = Adam’s fault! When this sort of behavior (when men fail to cultivate, protect and care for) continues to prevail, the Church suffers greatly.
The choices Adam made are, in some way, the same decisions that many Catholic men today are making. Instead of cultivating the Church, protecting the Church and caring for the Church, men sit back and allow women to ‘do’. If you look at parishes and/or dioceses that are incredibly strong, that have great priests, that have large properly-functioning families and they have large numbers of seminarians, you’ll see that it is almost undoubtedly because men are involved as leaders!
The problem with men sitting back and allowing women (who are willing and ready to step in) to fill the gap is that the general population of men either don’t attend Mass or simply lose interest, although their backside is filling a spot in the pew. This sort of behavior teaches children that men don’t need faith and that faith is a ‘woman’s thing’. Many men believe that faith, religion, prayer, devotion, etc. is feminine and actually, anti-masculine. They couldn’t be further from the truth. As I have stated many times before, being manly means that a man is virtuous. Faith, Hope and Love, the Theological Virtues, are the real signs of manliness. In an upcoming post, I will continue with the thought of what happens when men and women don’t fulfill their roles and how it affects the Church as a whole, titled “The Church: By Women, For Women.”
TrueMan up!
Supposed To Do
I just returned from a weekend trip to a private midwestern university where I gave a talk on manliness and Christian brotherhood. I mentioned the topic of Adam from the creation story in Genesis. In the story, Adam disregards the command that God gave to him to “shamar” the garden. From his neglect, sin entered the world. This, naturally, led to discussion about gender roles. During the Q&A session, a young man in the front row asked me “what do you mean when you say ‘what a man should do’ and ‘what a woman should do’?” I think it’s a great question and deserves some explanation and distinction here on the site.
When I say one of those statements (‘what a man (or woman) should d0’), what I mean is that men and women have been called to a specific role in humanity. (For instance, fatherhood, or motherhood.) The young man wanted to know if I thought that women shouldn’t work, or be in leadership or do anything outside of mothering children, cleaning and cooking. Obviously, I am not of that opinion. I can understand the question though, because our society tells us constantly that it’s either one, but not both.
Being called to a specific role in humanity means that a male or a female is embracing their nature. Men are naturally designed to protect, guard and care for. We are more rugged. Our bodies are made for laborious tasks. Women are naturally more nurturing, motherly and tender. These differences aren’t pointed out to say one is better than the other, only that they are different. John Paul II said many times, “Men and women were created equal in dignity, but different in role.” This is an important distinction.
For men to be TrueMen, we must embrace what is naturally placed on our hearts by God and follow the commands that God has given to us.
TrueMan up!
Opening Day 2010
Today marks the start of the 2010 Major League Baseball season. Best of luck to all the teams out there, especially to my Pirates, who need lots of help! There’s something about heading out to the ballpark on a summer day, at least for those of us who like baseball. If you aren’t a baseball fan, that’s fine… this post isn’t about baseball, per se. Here at TrueManhood, we wanted to do a “compare and contrast” between baseball and manliness.
- Baseball is a game. Manliness isn’t.
- Baseball is played during the summer. Manliness is always.
- Baseball players can “mess up” 7 out of 10 times at bat over their entire career and be considered a Hall of Famer. Manliness can’t sustain those numbers.
- Baseball is about trying to win most of the time. Manliness strives to “win” all the time. (“Win” here means to be a TrueMan.)
- Baseball allows men to throw tantrums, kick dirt, scream, cuss, chew and throw drink coolers. Manliness never stands for that sort of behavior.
We could continue on for hours with this sort of thing. I’ve got nothing against baseball, I enjoy baseball, especially when I get to play the game. I grew up playing from an early age into my adult life, I take my family to the ballpark regularly and I really enjoy the playoff season. What we need to be careful about, and this goes for everything in life (other sports, the Hollywood mentality, the online community, etc.) is to take baseball in using moderation. Manliness, however, we should take in with excess! (Remember, manliness means living a virtuous life!)
Man up!
In Response – Not the Point
I recently received a comment on one of my posts, “That Blue One’s the Boy One”. The commentor, as you can read below in red, misses the point.
The color examples don’t make any sense. Attributing color to gender is arbitrary. It’s not an instinct. It’s learned. Before the 20th century, most babies were dressed in white because it could withstand hot washes. In the 1920’s in the US, pink was for boys and blue was for girls. Pink was considered a watered down shade of red, think blood and blue was considered dainty because it was the color of the sky and water. The French dressed girls in pink and the Germans dressed boys in pink. It’s meaningless. Think dresses are for girls? Not in this country. Most boys wore dresses in the late 1800’s because fabric was scarce and they grew out of pants too quickly. As for your “men and women are different” arguments, the scientific research has shown that there are more within-group differences than between-group differences for men and women aside from a few physiological differences. The reason that there is a difference is because society has created different rules for different genders. From looking around your website, I guarantee what I am writing won’t make a difference and you probably won’t give it a second thought, but it goes against everything that we know about our society. This site seems to be a giant amalgamation of stereotypical and baseless opinions. It is well-designed though and the layout is phenomenal. I hope that some healthier examples of masculinity, fatherhood and mentoring make their way to your site in the future.
Allow me to respond to Jerrod. First off, thanks for the comment. Secondly, you’re missing the point in the first half of your comment. It wasn’t about the color, which I clearly stated in my original post. You bring up some other points that need clarification.
- The “men and women argument” isn’t my argument. I’m merely stating what others (namely, John Paul the Great; one of the greatest philosophers and peacemakers in human history) have already worked out extensively. To say that there are “more within-group differences than between-group differences” is quite simply, false. Your scientific research is flawed. If you’d like to email me personally, I’m happy to take a look at what you are using as your source(s).
- What you wrote is very important to me. What you wrote is, in part, why I have this website. I’m interested in bringing to light the truths of manhood so that our society can return to a properly functioning society. As of now, in our post-modern society, we do not function properly as a whole. This is mainly because males fail to live up to TrueManhood. I’m working to change that. You say that my website “goes against everything we know about our society.” You’re correct, I’m working to fight the culture we live in. Sin rules our world, and in order for society to thrive, we must fight our tendency toward sin. To say “what we know about our society” implies that what our society does/thinks is correct. What we think is correct, is not. Our society needs conversion of heart to the source of life – Jesus Christ.
- As for the site being a “giant amalgamation of stereotypes and baseless opinions”, I disagree. My articles are based in Catholic truth, the fullness of truth. That’s a giant topic, so I don’t guess we can get into it here. I’m fighting the stereotypes of what is expected of males in our society – just read any of the articles I write about commercials we see. I’m guessing you probably haven’t really read many of my articles, or maybe that you don’t understand them. My apologies. And yes, while my articles are opinion, they are not baseless. My opinions are in line with the Church (many bishops and priests support my website) and are rooted in the understanding of virtue as a way of life. If you’re interested in reading more about virtue, type VIRTUE in the search box and get to reading – there’s lots there. Specifically, you can check out “TrueManhood’s Guide to Virtue”.
- I appreciate the comments about the layout and design. I work hard to keep the sight going. (And, I’m always working on new stuff, and want more comments of what everyone is hoping for!)
- Finally Jerrod, from your last sentence, I’d like to know what you think is a “healthier example of masculinity, fatherhood and mentoring…” Thanks.
Man up!
The Death of Masculinity Article
I came across this post and thought it would be good to post. (Find it HERE.) It backs up what I write. Virtue men, virtue!
Man up!
Masculinity is dying a quick death. It is attacked from all sides, for example:
-Radical feminists say that being masculine is anti-woman.
-The feminized man is esteemed (esp. those who have a same sex attraction).
-Fathers are portrayed as blundering idiots in media.
It doesn’t help that some modern cultures (e.g., China , Muslim countries, etc) revere the masculine to the detriment of women, just as our own did not so long ago. This is a macho-only kind of mentality which is truly harmful (warning: graphic images) to women and girls.
So, what is a man to do? Our modern world swings between two extremes that both tear down true masculinity – on the one side is the overly-macho crap and on the other is the emasculated feminization of masculinity.
The answer lies in the root of the problem, which started “in the beginning.”
Adam was given the commission by God to “to cultivate and care for” the Garden of Eden and all that was in it (Gen 2:15). Adam messed up soon after. He fails to protect his wife, because he is a coward. He then blames his wife and in doing so he relinquishes his masculinity. Notice that after giving up his masculinity he quickly falls into lusting after his wife, which is why they have to cover themselves – to protect themselves from the lust of the other.
We still suffer from the same issues.
The modern man has also relinquished his masculinity by failing to have self-control. The modern man is an emasculated macho fool who has given in to his pornified passions and lives a sterile and contracepted life – he bears no fruit, literally and figuratively.
These issues are not only killing masculinity, they are also killing femininity. Because only when masculinity is truly lived properly will femininity flourish.
So, where do we start? We start with discovering what a real man is NOT:
A real man is not emasculated ninny.
Neither is a real man a testosterone infused sack of passions.
A real man is this -> a man who desperately seeks to follow in the footsteps of THE MAN.
He will be courageous in the face of danger.
He will fight for and maintain self control.
He will put to death his lusts.
He will be in control of his emotions and yet not afraid of them.
He will find himself in losing himself.
He is humble, but sure of the gifts God has given him.
He is gentle when he should be and rough when necessary.
He is a man of strength of character and his word means something.
He fulfills his promises.
He isn’t ashamed of his Lord or either of his mothers.
He will put life in the proper order – 1 – God; 2 – His wife (if he has one); 3 – His children (if he has them) 4 – Others; 5 – Himself
A real man isn’t afraid of his masculine traits, but embraces them as a gift from God. He doesn’t abuse them, but understands the way to use them in service of God and others.
It is time we men resurrect true masculinity.
