“Be A Dad!”
Here’s an article from Fr. Larry Richards, a great priest and awesome speaker. Thought you’d like it.
“Be a Dad!” | Fr. Larry Richards | Adapted and excerpted from Be a Man! Becoming the Man God Created You to Be | Ignatius Insight
You are going to die!
It doesn’t matter how rich we are, or how popular we are, or how powerful we are: we are all going to “kick the bucket” one day. Isn’t that a nice thought?
What we have to do is take some time to sit and meditate about taking our last breath. What do you want your wife to say about you? What do you want your kids to say about you? Once you’ve decided, “Okay, when I am taking my last breath this is what I want”, you can start living your life with your end goal in mind. You will start living in such a way that when the day of your death happens, the people who know you will say what you want them to say.
Death is the ultimate thing that takes control out of our hands. Even if we commit suicide, we cannot control what happens after we die. Not one of us had control over our own birth and not one of us has control of what happens after we die.
I have been to a lot of deathbeds throughout my priesthood, so I know what it is going to be like when you are dying. While you are lying there, the thing that is going to be most important to you is your relationships—the people that you loved and the people that in return loved you.
Then why don’t we live every day with that in mind? Make the decision to never let your wife or your kids go to bed or walk out the door without telling them first that you love them—life is just too short! It will change your family. It will change the world.
You should underline John 15:12 in your Bible, where Jesus commands us, “Love one another as I have loved you.” This is not an option. He also said, “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you” (Jn 15:9). Jesus told the people He loved that He loved them.
Why is it that men do not do that? Men are embarrassed. They are afraid. It makes them vulnerable. They think to be a man, you don’t go around telling the people you love that you love them; but Jesus told twelve men that He loved them. Then He told us to love others in the same way.
Let me give you a hint: you will never in your life regret that you told your wife and your kids and the people you love that you love them—never. You won’t be lying on your deathbed one day saying, “I can’t believe that I daily told my loved ones that I loved them. What is the matter with me?”
Now, how do you fall in love with someone? You know that you did not get to know your future wife by meeting her once and giving her forty five minutes to an hour once a week. You spent time with her. You got to know her. The same is true with our relationship with God. It might take you months—it might take you years—but you have to do it. You have to keep spending time with God until the answer to the question of whether or not you know God is unequivocally yes.
We need to know who our true Father is. There’s only one Father for everybody: God the Father! That guy you call your dad, he’s the instrument of fatherhood, but he’s not your true Father.
When we talk about our fathers—whether we had a good father, a bad father, a close and supportive father, or a distant and unsupportive father whom we did not know at all—it doesn’t matter as much because the reality is, we all have the same Father in heaven. It’s that Father Who will bring healing to us.
Husbands are called to love God primarily through their wives. Your wife is the sacrament of Christ to you. You are the sacrament of Christ to your wife. When she looks at you, she is supposed to see Jesus Christ. That is why Ephesians 5:22–24 is such a wonderful passage. It says, “Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church, his body, and is himself its Savior. As the Church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands.” Many of us remember the translation that said that wives were to be “submissive to their husbands”. The problem is that many men just stop with their wives being “submissive”. The men love that part, which is why so many women go crazy.
I make this very explicit when I am preaching at a marriage ceremony. I start with the bride and I say, “Sweetheart, you read the Bible every day, don’t you?” At first I usually get a “Yes, Father”, and then I say kiddingly, “If you lie to a priest, you know, you go to hell.” Then she will usually quickly say, “Okay, no, Father.” Then I continue, “Well, there is a verse in Ephesians that says, ‘Wives, be submissive to your husbands, as to the Lord.’ ” And then I ask, “Do you think it means what it says?” And I always get an emphatic “No, Father!” Then I literally jump up and down and scream, “Yes, it means what it says!” When I say this, all the feminists in the crowd become very upset and say things like, “This is another reason I hate the Catholic Church.” And the bride thinks, “Why did we ever get this priest to marry us?” I love this!
Then, as anyone who knows me knows, I am an equal opportunity offender, so I turn to the groom, who usually likes all of this. Now it is time for the other shoe to fall. I then ask the groom, “You read the Bible every day, right?” He always responds, “No, Father.” Then I ask, “Well, do you know what it says in Ephesians after ‘Wives, be submissive to your husbands’?” The groom always shakes his head and says, “No.” Then I continue, “It says, ‘Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her.’ ” Then I ask, “Do you know what that means?” I then continue kiddingly, “Your life is over!” Then I tell them that every day they need to be more concerned about each other than they are about themselves! That is what marriage is about!
So you need to start to do at least one unselfish act for your wife every day. Surprise her. When was the last time you treated her the same way you did when you were still trying to get her to marry you?
Next, let us focus on your children, which I think is easier because they are a part of you. Do we allow our children to be themselves? Some people think that the best father you can be is a strong disciplinarian. Absolutely, I agree. But just as much as you discipline your children, you must also build them up.
Sometimes we are just harsh and we think this is what God wants, but that isn’t the way God is. God loves us. He gives away His life for us. And then He always tells us He loves us. Correct?
One of the roles that men have, given to them by God (see Gen 3:16; 1 Cor 11:3; Eph 5:23), is to be the spiritual leaders of their families. Now this is where I have called men “spiritual wimps” for many years. Many men have let their wives be the spiritual leaders of their families, but this is not the way God created it to be. Now this does not mean that you are the master of your wife and family; it means, like Jesus Christ, you are the servant leader of your family.
First off, this means that you lead by example. You must be a man of prayer. For it is only as a son who listens to his heavenly Father that you can bring the will of the Father to your family. You cannot be a good and true leader unless you are a true and good follower. You must daily spend committed time in prayer with God, then lead your family in prayer. Do you have daily committed time with your family in prayer? And no, grace before meals is not enough!
You need to be the spiritual leader by being a man of sacrifice. You exist to give your life away for others, like Jesus did. That means you give your life for your family first and foremost.
My good friend Danny Abramowicz loves to tell men at men’s conferences: “Men, your kids will always love their mother, but they want to become just like you!” If we are not holy ourselves, then our families will not be holy. It is that simple. God is going to speak to men, women, and children, but He is speaking especially to men to help us be His very image.
You are the sacrament of Fatherhood to your children just like St. Joseph was the sacrament of Fatherhood to Jesus. Just as God used St. Joseph to form Jesus Christ in His humanity, so too does He want to use you to form your children. So I would encourage you before you read any further to stop and ask St. Joseph for his intercession for you so you can grow in holiness.
The Lord God of the universe is calling all of us to be great men, men that are examples of Him and who use Him as our example. We are called to become another Christ in this world. Our goal is to bring others to Him.
Do it and you will live forever.
“Into the Wild” Weekend Retreat with The King’s Men
My friends Mark Houck and Damian Wargo over at The King’s Men put on an awesome (and manly!) weekend retreat in the wilderness of eastern Pennsylvania called “Into the Wild”. I highly suggest that if you’re in the area, or if you can make it to eastern PA for one of these upcoming weekends, that you make this weekend happen.
Here’s what they have to say about it:
Rugged Outdoor Men’s Retreat!
The King’s Men are sponsoring a retreat for men called “Into the Wild” at French Creek State Park on June 10-13th. This experiential weekend features fishing, orienteering, outdoor cooking, archery, and faith presented in a masculine modality. No experience is necessary and space is limited. “Into the Wild” is excellent for single or married men as well as fathers and sons. More information at www.intothewildweekend.com or call Damian Wargo at 215-906-8878. Financial aid is available.
TrueMan up!
Supposed To Do
I just returned from a weekend trip to a private midwestern university where I gave a talk on manliness and Christian brotherhood. I mentioned the topic of Adam from the creation story in Genesis. In the story, Adam disregards the command that God gave to him to “shamar” the garden. From his neglect, sin entered the world. This, naturally, led to discussion about gender roles. During the Q&A session, a young man in the front row asked me “what do you mean when you say ‘what a man should do’ and ‘what a woman should do’?” I think it’s a great question and deserves some explanation and distinction here on the site.
When I say one of those statements (‘what a man (or woman) should d0’), what I mean is that men and women have been called to a specific role in humanity. (For instance, fatherhood, or motherhood.) The young man wanted to know if I thought that women shouldn’t work, or be in leadership or do anything outside of mothering children, cleaning and cooking. Obviously, I am not of that opinion. I can understand the question though, because our society tells us constantly that it’s either one, but not both.
Being called to a specific role in humanity means that a male or a female is embracing their nature. Men are naturally designed to protect, guard and care for. We are more rugged. Our bodies are made for laborious tasks. Women are naturally more nurturing, motherly and tender. These differences aren’t pointed out to say one is better than the other, only that they are different. John Paul II said many times, “Men and women were created equal in dignity, but different in role.” This is an important distinction.
For men to be TrueMen, we must embrace what is naturally placed on our hearts by God and follow the commands that God has given to us.
TrueMan up!
True Devotion to Jesus, Through Mary
Today is the feast day of St. Louis de Montfort. St. Louis lived in the 17th and 18th centuries and his greatest contribution to the faith
was that of perseverance in the face of critique and encouragement of the Church to be devoted to Jesus through Mary. For many, this Catholic teaching is hard because they may see devotion to Mary as an unnecessary practice, and in some cases, as blasphemous. Others may see devotion to Mary as something less-than-manly. On the contrary! Devotion to Mary, which St. Louis stressed in both writings, words and deeds, is the way to grow incredibly close to her son, our Lord, Jesus. As men, we have a great deal to learn about obedience and can learn a lot from Mary’s example.
First, the Maryology… there’s too much that would go into giving a dissertation on Mary here, however, I will draw attention to her place in salvation history. Mary accepted God’s will in her life and enthusiastically followed. Through her ‘yes’, Christ came into the world. Christ means King, and Mary therefore is the Queen Mother. The Queen Mother sits with the King petitioning for His loyal servants. (1 Kings 1:19.) By her ‘yes’, we reap the benefits of our Saviour.
St. Louis shows us that the theological virtues are the way to TrueManhood. He set a great example for us to achieve the virtues of faith, hope and love. The world attempts to tell men that these virtues are feminine and unnecessary. Take a look at just about any piece of media and you will see a direct attack against these virtues. St. Louis demonstrated great courage in the face of opposition and persecution to strive for faith, hope and love.
Lastly, a brief word of encouragement in regards to the Rosary. Faithful Catholics don’t just ‘say’ the Rosary, we ‘pray’ the Rosary. The Rosary is a mixture of reciting communal prayers (Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be, etc.) AND a deep meditation (simultaneously, mind you) of the mysteries of the Rosary. The mysteries point directly to Christ’s life and ministry, culminating in His saving work of dying on the cross for our sins – the greatest example of manliness we have! Pray on!
The Rosary is our sword in the battle of Good vs. Evil.
TrueMan up!
Fighting Cultural Manliness
Society makes suggestions to us, either directly or indirectly, about what’s manly and what’s not. Typically, society paints a picture that “cultural manliness” stems from all or part of the following: POWER, MONEY, SEX and STUFF. Society calls a man who possesses these things a “real man”. Separately, and in the right context, these attributes are wonderful, and add nicely to life. When used out of context, they can become disastrous. If a male possesses one (or more) of these attributes, than he automatically racks up points on an invisible ‘man scale’. A given amount of points on the cultural manliness scale doesn’t necessarily gain a guy anything, and it’s not like he can cash those points in for anything tangible. Nor is this something that guys sit around and discuss, it just sort of “is”. It comes from movies and music, tv and the internet. It’s the machismo mindset. However, because of the picture that is painted, a man with lots of points is (for whatever reason) elevated to a higher level than a regular Joe. As this happens, men being elevated and esteemed for what they possess and/or what they have done, other men desire to emulate these “real men” and therefore, “get what he has and do what he’s done.” Other men begin to shoot for power, money, sex and stuff, instead of what really determines what manliness is.
What is real manliness??? Or, in our case, TrueManhood??? If real manliness isn’t power, money, sex and stuff, what is it? Where can we find out? What can we do to become really manly? Well, we’re given lots of great examples throughout history of what NOT to do and what’s NOT really manly. Where do we go to find good examples? I’d like to point to a few perfect examples of what manliness is using three Biblical characters.
1. After a storied youth, this man fell away from God and screwed up royally. He engaged in sins of the flesh which led to men dying and problems for others around him. However, instead of remaining lazy and indifferent, he heeded the words of his dear friend and decided to better himself and devoted his life to serving, honoring and praising God. He became faithful, prayerful and humble. He set an example of great virtue for others to see. He, like us, sinned – but repented, asking for forgiveness and continue to grow in holiness.
2. This man was wronged at an early age. After spending many years in confinement for crimes he hadn’t committed, he rose in the ranks and eventually became the king’s trusted advisor. Instead of taking vengeance on the men who wronged him, he chose love, honor and service. This man was a humble and faithful servant to God, never losing his foundation of prayer, trust and faith. An incredible witness of how to work through hardships.
3. This man was given, quite possibly, the hardest task a human father could be given. He was asked to take on a role that no other father had ever been asked to do, but he readily accepted and because he was a virtuous man, he succeeded in this difficult task. Because he trusted God (and His messenger), this man remained faithful and obedient. Due to his successful job-well-done, all men have a perfect example of what it means to be a chaste husband, a loving father and a hard worker.
What is TrueManhood? From these three examples, we see a theme: these three men were virtuous. Their virtue (especially their theological virtue of faith) allowed them to persevere and to continue to serve God.
The idea of cultural manliness is that, as you accumulate more wealth, as you sleep with more women, as you buy more stuff and as
your power “ranking” goes up, the more manly you are. Cultural manliness never takes into account your virtue, your faith, your relationship with God and/or others, how you treat your wife, children, family, friends, strangers, etc. Cultural manliness is a facade, a lie, a demeaning and empty way of living. The glamour of being a “culturally manly” man will wear off in time. How many people will a culturally manly man hurt along the way?
I call this cultural manliness for a reason, a simple reason. The culture is expressing the thought that everyone, man or woman, is in this world on their own, free to make up their own truth, free to generate their own spirituality from within. A man simply goes after what he wants, and his list of wants comes from what gives him pleasure. Seeking pleasure is what drives his actions and pleasure is often the only motive behind actions.
The Biblical characters described above are, in order: King David, Joseph of the Old Testament and St. Joseph, Patron Saint of Fathers and Workers.
Tools and Resources
TrueManhood Men’s Ministry offers various tools and resources for men. If you don’t see something on this site, but are curious if we have anything for you, please ask. Find us on social media, or email us at Info@TrueManhood.com.
Regarding pornography addiction: There are numerous resources available for men (and women) who have addictions to pornography. The essential element in dealing with an addiction is that the FIRST STEP towards recovery takes place. The next important step is the continual work. The journey is long and hard but the freedom that comes from breaking the chains of an addiction to pornography is almost overwhelming. I highly recommend checking out TrueManhood’s Guide called “5 Step Plan” and then determine what sort of resource(s) you need to make your plan effective. Here are just a few ideas, and a few resources.
- Serious prayer and a life full of the Sacraments!
- Your PLAN is essential, figure out what it needs to be, then put it into action.
- Accountability with your accountability partner. This person needs to be a man and should not be your female friend, sister, girlfriend, fiancée, or wife.
- Spiritual Direction with a priest. I recommend seeing a priest regularly so that you can obtain necessary graces from the Sacrament of Reconciliation.
- Sexaholics Anonymous – check your local area for locations and times.
- Counseling/Coaching (Email us at ContactUs@TrueManhood.com for more information.) Group Counseling may be a good option as well.
- Support Groups/Men’s Groups
- Books, Prayer Guides, DVDs, CDs, Podcasts, Websites, etc.
- Internet filters, software and firewalls.
I also highly recommend installing Covenant Eyes on all of your devices (including each and every device you have access to). For a reasonable monthly fee, Covenant Eyes offers accountability and filtering. Click HERE to receive a free month of Covenant Eyes.
TrueMan up!
The Power to Positively Effect Change
I don’t typically follow mainstream media, news or happenings, and I definitely don’t follow the NBA, so this story was interesting to me when I heard about it. Recently, in an interview with Maxim Magazine, LeBron James (Team Captain of the Cleveland Cavaliers) was quoted, when asked “If there was one guy on the planet you could dunk on, who would it be?”, as saying: “If it doesn’t have to be a basketball player, George W. Bush. I would dunk on his [ass], break the rim, and shatter the glass.” (LeBron is a known-supporter of Barack Obama.)
The friend who told me about this LeBron story wrote this to me in our correspondence: “Boston just beat the Cavaliers with King James and Shaq. After LeBron’s majorly inappropriate comment about wanting to dunk and shatter the backboard over Pres. Bush (more than any other person), I have lost respect for LeBron. How about dunking over Osama Bin Laden? In LeBron’s role model position, you just don’t show that kind of disrespect for the President even if you don’t like him. Not to mention, his poor sportsmanship in losing the playoffs last year… he wouldn’t shake hands after the game. Your manly opinion on this?“
In response, I wrote: “In my humble opinion, LeBron has no class, no leadership and an immaturity that rivals others. He who, in his position, could effect MAJOR POSITIVE CHANGE on a global level. On a manliness scale, he’d rank very very low. No virtue = Not Manly.”
The reason I highlighted positive change (both in my response to my friend and in the title of this post) is because LeBron could bring
about so much positive change in this world, simply because of his stature, his following and his presence in the media. The trouble here, is that if you ask a fan of LeBron if he’s effecting positive change in the world, they’ll emphatically say “Yes!” It’s a clouded judgment that some people can’t see past because he appears to be so influential and such a boost for the sport. A TRUE boost to the sport would be challenging men to live virtuous, moral lives.
Just my $.02 today.
Man up!
