The TrueManhood Podcast – Episode 10 The 5 Step Plan

Dave follows up his previous episode (on pornography) with an explanation of his “5 Step Plan for Overcoming an Addiction to Pornography & Masturbation.” The 5 steps are usable for other areas, and are encouraged (generically) as a way to grow in holiness. Contact Dave for assistance by emailing Dave@TrueManhood.com.

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But How? Helping Men Overcome

One of the questions I’m asked most often is “If a man is addicted to porn, what can he do to overcome it?”  I’d like to tell you that there’s an “easy button” that a man can push and be done with it, but it’s definitely not that simple.  It’s such a frequent question because so many men are addicted and literally don’t know what to do.  Many will tell me that “I’ve tried everything but nothing worked.”  Some will say “I didn’t know what to do so I didn’t do anything.”  All of them know that they want out of the chains that bind them, and all of them know that something has to happen, but so few know what really works.

I have a “5 Step Plan” that could be a good starting point for you.  It’s worked for many men, I believe it can work for you as well.  There are some areas of the plan that are nuanced, the most important of those areas is accountability.  [I hope to create a video about accountability soon to help explain it further.]  There are plenty of other plans, programs, ideas, formats, resources, and approaches that you can find and try.  For men who are extremely troubled by their addiction and who need a full-on attack, some would suggest Sexaholics Anonymous groups, counseling, and/or reparative brain therapy.   You are obviously welcome to try them – do whatever you need to experience freedom.

Regardless of what method you choose, one thing is for sure… every man needs accountability.  The reason accountability is so important is because it forces us to be honest about our life, and forces us to take responsibility for our actions.  An accountability partner is someone very close to you, with whom you can be honest and forthright.  Failing to be 100% open and honest will result in failed accountability.  If you can’t be honest, don’t even start… you’re wasting everyone’s time.  Don’t get me wrong, I know that it’s extremely hard to be honest and that vulnerable.  It’s not a sign of weakness to be vulnerable, it’s a sign of wisdom.

For some, knowing what other men have done, tried, and what has worked or not is a great benefit.  Other men will want to blaze their own trail.  Either way, a man needs to do something, anything.  Be sure, accountability is not something that is okay or acceptable in the cultural manliness lifestyle, so not many will understand and few will encourage it.  Don’t let them get in your way.

Following Step 3 of the 5 Step Plan, you’ll see that you need to “find a brother”, meet as frequently as you need, and be deliberate about your approach.  Watch for the video on accountability, along with a still-to-come TrueManhood guide to accountability.  Another frequent question or road block I hear is about finding this brother for accountability…. so few men actually have male friends, let alone a man they feel comfortable to invite into this sort of relationship.  For those who need it, I offer my services to work through the beginning stages of accountability and beyond.  Contact me for more information.  ContactUs@TrueManhood.com.

TrueMan up!

5 Myths About Masturbation by Brian Kissinger (thePornEffect.com)

Masturbation is a topic that is rarely discussed.  It should be discussed more, and more openly, and not just with teen boys with raging hormones.  I’ve been speaking about pornography use a lot lately on my radio program, in talks I’ve been giving, and as it comes up in conversation with people and even I fail to discuss this side of the topic.  It’s a serious sin (mortal) and almost always linked to pornography use or disordered fantasy.  Clinicians sometimes refer to masturbation as “self-harm”, “self-abuse”, “self-use”, etc.  Planned Parenthood, and their materials, encourage masturbation for children starting at a very young age.  Let’s expose the lies and bring it into the light.

I saw this article posted on The Porn Effect and thought it was important to share.  The author is Brian Kissinger.

“I have read a few books, I have even taken courses on the subject, but nothing could have fully prepared me for teaching a year-long class of Theology of the Body to 150 freshman boys.  Words can’t quite describe the awkwardness of a room full of 14-year-olds trying to maturely discuss the mechanics of the male reproductive system.  One day, as class was ending, one of the students asked me a question that I thought had to be a joke. He wanted to know i it was true that people will explode if they don’t masturbate regularly.  It took me a little while to realize that he was being completely serious, and it was then that I realized just how confused our world has become.

Here are five lies about masturbation that I believe have infected our culture: 

Myth #1: Only Boys Struggle With it

Even though boys are usually the ones joking about masturbation, the truth is that this is an issue for many women as well. Like other issues of sexuality, this subject of jokes for boys is often a source of shame for the girls who struggle.  Even in youth ministry, chastity talks for boys often include mention of masturbation while the topic isn’t, unfortunately, addressed as frequently with girls.

Myth #2: It Can’t Be A Sin; It’s “Natural”

The existence of something in nature is never a good argument for moral issues. I’ve heard people bring up this argument after discovering that certain animals have been known to masturbate.  Anyone who’s been outside can tell you that animals do a lot of weird stuff. I’ve seen dogs eat their vomit and monkeys play with their crap, but neither of these “natural” examples should inspire imitation.

Myth #3: It Doesn’t Hurt Anyone

Everything we do in life is training, either toward virtue or vice. Every athlete, musician, actors, and cage fighter can tell you that practice matters. Masturbation trains us to think that sexual desire is something that should be satisfied immediately, and it reinforces the idea that sex is about selfish instant gratification.  While love is all about giving and sacrificing one’s desires for the needs of another person, masturbation is all about training us to do whatever we want to feel good. Masturbation slowly but surely destroys our ability to give and receive love.  

Myth #4: It’s Just A Way To Release Sexual Tension

Did you see that news story about the teen who spontaneously combusted because of pent-up sexual tension? Yeah, me neither. According to this logical, the people who masturbate the most should be the most peaceful and sexually pure people around.  That’s like telling someone with anger management issues that fist fights are a good way to relieve the tension. A momentary sense of relief is not worth the guilt, shame, and loneliness that are tied to the sin.

Myth #5: It’s Just A Phase You’re Going Through 

Like all sins, masturbation doesn’t just go away over time. In fact the opposite is true: the more we do it, the more we become attached to the habit It’s not a problem that magically disappears when you get married.  So many marriages have been ruined by a spouse’s addiction to masturbation. When a husband or wife turns to themselves for sexual gratification, the other spouse will naturally feel like they’re inadequate.  Regardless of your past, your habits, or your lack of will power, there is hope.  God’s not cheering for you rom a distance; He’s living in you to bring power where you are weak. Run to the Sacrament of Reconciliation and you will find both healing and freedom.” 

Why Fight Porn?

So what’s the big deal with porn, anyway?  Why do we put so much emphasis on how evil and dangerous porn is?  Why fight porn?

Ask any Catholic priest and he’ll tell you that the majority (majority NOT used lightly here) of male confessions heard in the confessional are oriented towards impurity, lust, sexual misbehavior/acting out and pornography abuse.  This is also not to say that many of the female confessions heard in the confessional don’t also cover these topics.  Many priests I have asked about this topic have told me that upward of 85-90% of the confessions they hear from men are linked to pornography abuse.  This is astonishing and could be, if viewed incorrectly, disheartening.  The devil is attempting to kill our souls, our culture and our Church from the inside out through the use of pornography.  Many believe that it is not a public problem, that if “I” use porn in the quiet of my own home, that it doesn’t effect anyone else.  This is FALSE.

Tomorrow, I will dive into the reality of the effects of pornography, as well as the link pornography has to Life issues and social justice issues (such as divorce, rape, incest, abuse of women, domestic violence, etc.) and will attempt to create for you a strong correlation between these links.  The link between pornography (sexual hedonism and sexual utilitarianism) and many other serious issues is strong!

Before we go, I urge all men to educate themselves on the truth!  Don’t take my word for things, don’t take any one single person’s word for anything.  Do your research and go into it unbiased and open to the truth, for the truth shall set you free!  (This comes from a guy who doubted a ton, thought he could make his own truth and eventually got hit upside the proverbial head with the proverbial 2×4.  Take it from me… do your research!)

TrueMan up!

Tools and Resources

TrueManhood Men’s Ministry offers various tools and resources for men.  If you don’t see something on this site, but are curious if we have anything for you, please ask.  Find us on social media, or email us at Info@TrueManhood.com.

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Regarding pornography addiction: There are numerous resources available for men (and women) who have addictions to pornography.  The essential element in dealing with an addiction is that the FIRST STEP towards recovery takes place.  The next important step is the continual work.  The journey is long and hard but the freedom that comes from breaking the chains of an addiction to pornography is almost overwhelming.  I highly recommend checking out TrueManhood’s Guide called “5 Step Plan” and then determine what sort of resource(s) you need to make your plan effective.  Here are just a few ideas, and a few resources.

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• Serious prayer and a life full of the Sacraments!
• Your PLAN is essential, figure out what it needs to be, then put it into action.
• Accountability with your accountability partner.  This person needs to be a man and should not be your female friend, sister, girlfriend, fiancée, or wife.
• Spiritual Direction with a priest.  I recommend seeing a priest regularly so that you can obtain necessary graces from the Sacrament of Reconciliation.
• Sexaholics Anonymous – check your local area for locations and times.
• Counseling/Coaching (Email us at ContactUs@TrueManhood.com for more information.)  Group Counseling may be a good option as well.
• Support Groups/Men’s Groups
• Books, Prayer Guides, DVDs, CDs, Podcasts, Websites, etc.
• Internet filters, software and firewalls.

I also highly recommend installing Covenant Eyes on all of your devices (including each and every device you have access to).  For a reasonable monthly fee, Covenant Eyes offers accountability and filtering.  Click HERE to receive a free month of Covenant Eyes.

TrueMan up!

Are You Fighting?

Men,

Are you fighting?  Are you ready for battle?  Have you been training?  When temptations come your way, are you ready for war?

If you haven’t read through the page (above) titled “Fighting Porn” I urge you to read it and put it into action.  If you’ve read it, re-read it.  Another day gone by without training and a battle mission is another day you will be held in slavery to the grave evils of pornography and masturbation.  These are mortal sins, meaning that they cut off the life of grace from the Father.  These grave evils will ruin your life, and every single relationship you have in the future.  Don’ wait, stand up and fight.

Don’t try to kid yourself.  Stop justifying your actions.  You can achieve freedom from pornography and masturbation – I am a walking testimony to this fact.  Never stop fighting, never let your guard down.  There is a way out, you must actively work towards it and allow God’s grace to fill your heart, your mind, your life.  You can do it!  Go, and do it!

If you need assistance with your plan, or how to figure out your plan, or how to start accountability with your brother(s), or any other assistance, please email me at proveritasspeakers@gmail.com.

Man up!