Supposed To Do
I just returned from a weekend trip to a private midwestern university where I gave a talk on manliness and Christian brotherhood. I mentioned the topic of Adam from the creation story in Genesis. In the story, Adam disregards the command that God gave to him to “shamar” the garden. From his neglect, sin entered the world. This, naturally, led to discussion about gender roles. During the Q&A session, a young man in the front row asked me “what do you mean when you say ‘what a man should do’ and ‘what a woman should do’?” I think it’s a great question and deserves some explanation and distinction here on the site.
When I say one of those statements (‘what a man (or woman) should d0’), what I mean is that men and women have been called to a specific role in humanity. (For instance, fatherhood, or motherhood.) The young man wanted to know if I thought that women shouldn’t work, or be in leadership or do anything outside of mothering children, cleaning and cooking. Obviously, I am not of that opinion. I can understand the question though, because our society tells us constantly that it’s either one, but not both.
Being called to a specific role in humanity means that a male or a female is embracing their nature. Men are naturally designed to protect, guard and care for. We are more rugged. Our bodies are made for laborious tasks. Women are naturally more nurturing, motherly and tender. These differences aren’t pointed out to say one is better than the other, only that they are different. John Paul II said many times, “Men and women were created equal in dignity, but different in role.” This is an important distinction.
For men to be TrueMen, we must embrace what is naturally placed on our hearts by God and follow the commands that God has given to us.
TrueMan up!
For Women – Is He Mr. Right?
I recently came across an online article titled “Is He Mr. Right?” I was curious what the article said, doubting that any of it was substantive or even remotely helpful. The information was, well, eh. The article had five main points, and if your “Mr. Next” met all five, then voilà! “You’ve found Mr. Right!” What do you think?
The first point was “He Listens to You”. Huh?, what’s that? Oh, sorry. Although listening is a vital component to just about every human relationship, I don’t know that it’s essential in choosing Mr. Right. The first point continues on, saying “you’ll know he listens to you when he shows genuine concern, consistently remembers things you’ve told him and offers emotional support in honest and thoughtful way.” Well… I don’t think that the actions mentioned here are listening, although listening played a role. The action is ‘showing’, ‘remembering’ and ‘offering’. Listening doesn’t make things happen… doing does. With that said, God gave us each 2 ears and only 1 mouth, meaning that we should probably listen twice as much as we talk.
The second point is rather silly… “He Connects with You.” If a guy isn’t connecting with you, why are you dating him?
The third point is good, although not developed enough for my tastes… “He Wants the Real You.” The author writes about a woman not giving up any part of her identity for a man, which is fine and good. I think that when either person does that, it only leads to falsehood, and eventually, the truth comes out and problems come up. I believe one of the best ways for the guy to really want the ‘real’ you, is for him to know you before you date. This begins the topic of dating with a purpose, although we don’t have time for that here.
The fourth point is even better than the third. Here it is, verbatim: “A relationship without trust is doomed from the start. But a relationship with abundant trust? A fabulous foundation for real and lasting love! Built over time, trust is based on the simple belief system that your partner has your best interests at heart and will never intentionally hurt you (and vice versa). If and when you discover that Mr. Next is 100 percent trustworthy, you’ll have no trouble giving your heart to him. In return, he’ll most likely give you his heart and pave the way for a lasting, loving relationship to unfold.” Here’s my qualm with this on… be overly careful with who you give your heart to. Just because he’s trustworthy, doesn’t make him worthy of your heart. Be careful, please.
The fifth point isn’t all the great, at least not for the ‘all-encompassing’ characteristic that a man must have, blah blah blah. “He Enriches Your Life.” Is that the best this author can do? What about virtue here? What about how he treats you? What about how compatible your life goals, dreams and aspirations are? Again, as with the second point, this seems a bit silly for me.
I think the author is missing the boat, unless, of course, the point of dating is solely to have fun. If that’s the case, then what’s the
point in even caring about Mr. Right? Why not just care about Mr. Right-Now? The point should be that dating with a purpose is the only way that a relationship will truly last and truly bring happiness to both people. These relationships, however, must have Christ at their center if they want that happiness. Ladies, please know that you are incredible. God created you for greatness and you have nothing stopping you from that. You deserve the best and should never compromise for a counterfeit version of the best. So many women attempt to find value in the things that happen to them (compliments, stares, successes at work, awards, etc.) instead of finding true value in the fact that you are a daughter of God. He is the only place for true fulfillment.
RMCMC 2010 – One Day Away
The 2010 Rocky Mountain Catholic Men’s Conference is only one day away. Saturday, March 20, 2010 proves to be an epic event and I encourage any local (Colorado) men to make it a priority. There are plenty of seats available and you can pay at the door. The event takes place at the Pikes Peak Center in downtown Colorado Springs… merely an hour’s drive from Denver from the north or Pueblo from the south. Here’s why an event like this is important.
- As men, we thrive off brotherhood. Brotherhood may be considered, simply, when men spend time together, preferably doing manly things. Imagine what boys growing up together do – then make it relevant to adulthood and things that actually matter… that’s what this conference (and hopefully all men’s conferences around the country) are about. Together, as men of faith, we encourage one another to grow in holiness, Sacramental behavior, daily prayer, and hopefully, to be better men.
- Men need encouragement. Think of this like an over-sized team huddle, when your team is in a vital spot and really needs to score a touchdown, or that gigantic defensive stop to win the game. The quarterback or defensive leader should be trying to pump his team up so they pull off the incredible play. The encouragement from the speakers, vendors, priests and bishops and the other men in attendance can be just the thing that most of us need to get our act together and win in the game of life.
- Men need to continue to grow in holiness. No matter where a man is in his faith journey, he can be a better man. Events like a men’s conference show us the path to holiness, especially if we’re open to what the Holy Spirit is doing in our lives.
I encourage all of us to think about at least one man that we know that needs an invitation to something like this, and then make the invitation. If you’re a man who’s attending a men’s conference, just extend the invitation. If you’re a woman who knows of a man who needs to attend an event like this, it would be best to have another man extend the invitation at your request. An invitation isn’t pressure to go, it’s a simple way of showing encouragement and extending a friendly hand. Don’t be weak in your invitation and don’t be a power-monger either. Be genuine and see what happens… it can’t hurt to ask. Maybe you don’t live in Colorado and can’t get to the Rocky Mountain Catholic Men’s Conference, that’s okay. There’s an event like this somewhere near you, and if there isn’t, I want to know! (I’ll work to get something there!) A men’s conference may be the thing that encourages a man to change his life for Christ.
To see more info, click HERE to go to the conference website.
Man up!
GUEST POST – “The Practice of Modesty” by Ashley Crouch
Ashley Crouch is the Assistant Program Director of Love & Fidelity Network, a program designed to equip college students with the resources and training they need to support the institution of marriage, the importance of family, and the integrity of sex on their campuses. She writes:
US Marine Captain John Campbell recently made National Australian News by boldly speaking out about Australian women’s lack of modesty: “It’s about having standards, ladies,” he said. “What are standards? Well, it can begin by dressing in a manner that leaves something to the imagination to say the least…” Later he said, “Come on, ladies, don’t send us mixed messages. That’s what you do every time you dress with less than nothing on.” His voice was an isolated and courageous reminder that women play a significant role in preserving men’s purity; that women bolster men’s’ ability to love authentically.
In today’s culture, our bodies are often treated as instruments rather than as an intimate part of who we are – persons with an
immortal soul. As a result of this disconnect, there is a crisis of modesty prevalent in society. Popular trends and fashions come and go with arbitrary ease, without any thought being given to a specific standard. The virtue of modesty has all but become obsolete, while the few who make an effort to endorse its practice often end up sounding prudish and harping on rules, regulations, and guidelines.
Guidelines are in fact good and helpful, and can be found by doing a simple search online. Modesty, however, is not just about covering up so guys will not be driven to lust. Modesty is more and often depends on the context. For this reason, it is often misunderstood.
Properly understood, modesty incorporates who the woman is as a person created in the image of God called to love, while acknowledging that men and women are designed to be attracted to one another. The late Pope John Paul II spoke candidly about the human person “as a creature towards whom the only proper attitude is love.” Authentic love, however, is not defined by a person’s sexuality; Attraction between sexes is meant to exist between two free, full, faithful human persons and to blossom into fruitful love in marriage. Many women yearn to be loved and seek it through immodest dress or action. Tragically, the immodest dress and behavior of some women, while intended to foster and secure lasting affection, ironically attracts men for other reasons. A woman who dresses provocatively distracts men from love. She sends mixed messages.
Modesty, on the other hand, serves to open the gateway of love between persons by revealing who a woman is as a full person, an individual with dignity, not reducible to her sexual features. When a woman practices modesty, she simultaneously protects, preserves, and presents herself to the world as a person of dignity and self-respect; for through modesty, the beauty of her femininity is highlighted rather than objectified. Modesty flows from “moderation,” where all the elements of the woman are shown cohesively and beautifully.
Ultimately, modesty is about more than clothes. It is a disposition of the heart, and a consciousness on the part of the woman that she has an origin in a loving God, who has given her a great dignity and purpose. Each woman was designed to give herself fully as a gift, but if her vocation is marriage, this gift belongs only to one person (not the world.) The woman’s awareness of her beautiful origin carries over into her actions and dress, naturally and effortlessly. Her clothes are not a denial of her sexuality, or a suppression of her femininity. Rather, they integrate her sexuality into her whole being as a person called to love, and open the way for true love to grow. The practice of modesty encourages men to see a woman with respect, and allows authentic interpersonal relationships to occur, free of distractions, free from confusion, free to love.
So the next time you reach into your closet for an outfit, perhaps remember Captain John Campbell’s words ‘Don’t send mixed messages,’ and consider what message you want to send.
Encouraging Men to Get Involved
Here’s my latest article on iibloom.com, posted yesterday.
For some people, it’s a struggle to figure out why men aren’t involved at church and church-related events. When we take a look at a typical parish in the United States, we see a Church that is struggling to entice, encourage and strengthen men as leaders. Why is this? Is it the content, is it the timing, is it the other people in attendance? Is it something internal? Do they feel emasculated by it? Is it a lack of catechesis? Is there a power struggle? Or maybe even something else?
(Please note, this article is a generalization; please keep this in mind. Many men are fully engaged in the life of the Church and many parishes have a thriving men’s population. The point of this article is to find ways to help encourage men who aren’t involved to become involved.)
Men won’t get involved in “stuff” if they don’t see a value in it. Also, they aren’t likely to attend a new event, group or club unless they
know someone else who is attending, and know them well. Another reason men won’t get involved is if they see the stuff as weak, lame or feminine. Unfortunately, many men see Mass, Church events, groups and retreats through this lens. On my website, I have mentioned that the Church is “by women, for women,” and this is a big reason why men aren’t involved. I say this because the vast majority of parishes in the US have a very lopsided attendance and volunteer demographic. The reason for this is because men fail to step up and into leadership and volunteer roles.
Men shouldn’t be forced into praying like women pray, it doesn’t work for us. Men need to pray the way men were created to pray. Men shouldn’t be forced into activities that are similar to women’s activities, it does’t work for us. Men should participate in activities that they were created for. There’s a difference, and that difference is important.
The difference is, as the late Pope John Paul II often talked about, is that men and women were created equal in dignity, but different in role. In order for men to fulfill their role, their lives must be oriented correctly towards what they were created for. A great place to see what it is that men were created for is to read through the creation narrative in The Book of Genesis.
So how do you encourage men to participate? It’s tough to know, exactly. I think that a great way is to get to the heart of a man…that which God put deep inside each man. It’s different from anything else in the world, and hard to explain. See, men want to be rugged and tough. They want to shoot stuff, and fix stuff, and build stuff. They want to protect and defend, they want to love and be loved. They want to feel a purpose and be accomplished. Unfortunately, so many men don’t know how to do any of that stuff.
If we want men to participate, we have to encourage them, build them up and GIVE THEM A PERSONAL INVITATION. Personal invitations, from men they trust and respect, might just be the thing to get a man involved in the Life of the Church. The personal invitation should be in person, not over phone, texting or email. And once the invitation is extended, the event better not stink! Or be lame! And, it better not be associated with ‘sissiness’! If it does, he’ll never come back.
I encourage all the faithful, if they know a man who needs to be involved, to be like St Monica. St Monica, the mother of St Augustine, prayed unceasingly for her son. Augustine was a wandering-soul. He lived a life of incredible sin and his mother still prayed. He became one of the greatest saints and writers of the Church. That man who you know might just be the next St Augustine.
Click HERE for the article on iibloom’s site.
Tools and Resources
TrueManhood Men’s Ministry offers various tools and resources for men. If you don’t see something on this site, but are curious if we have anything for you, please ask. Find us on social media, or email us at Info@TrueManhood.com.
Regarding pornography addiction: There are numerous resources available for men (and women) who have addictions to pornography. The essential element in dealing with an addiction is that the FIRST STEP towards recovery takes place. The next important step is the continual work. The journey is long and hard but the freedom that comes from breaking the chains of an addiction to pornography is almost overwhelming. I highly recommend checking out TrueManhood’s Guide called “5 Step Plan” and then determine what sort of resource(s) you need to make your plan effective. Here are just a few ideas, and a few resources.
- Serious prayer and a life full of the Sacraments!
- Your PLAN is essential, figure out what it needs to be, then put it into action.
- Accountability with your accountability partner. This person needs to be a man and should not be your female friend, sister, girlfriend, fiancée, or wife.
- Spiritual Direction with a priest. I recommend seeing a priest regularly so that you can obtain necessary graces from the Sacrament of Reconciliation.
- Sexaholics Anonymous – check your local area for locations and times.
- Counseling/Coaching (Email us at ContactUs@TrueManhood.com for more information.) Group Counseling may be a good option as well.
- Support Groups/Men’s Groups
- Books, Prayer Guides, DVDs, CDs, Podcasts, Websites, etc.
- Internet filters, software and firewalls.
I also highly recommend installing Covenant Eyes on all of your devices (including each and every device you have access to). For a reasonable monthly fee, Covenant Eyes offers accountability and filtering. Click HERE to receive a free month of Covenant Eyes.
TrueMan up!
TrueManhood’s Guide to Virtue
Click for TrueManhood’s Guide to Virtue
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Man up!
