Is a Bad Dad Better Than No Dad?

Recently, I had a discussion with a woman on the topic of fatherhood. During our conversation, she was adamant that a child having a bad father in the picture is better than no father.  I disagree with her, but understand at a basic level why she would believe this.  I also sympathize with her, aware that her situation was extremely difficult to bear.  Now that I’ve given it more thought, I think she may have been combining some thoughts together, associating a bad father with a father who is at least present.

If having a bad father in their life simply means that the child can feel a sense of acceptance and that someone desires them, then maybe I could agree with her.  However, being a child requires, and makes us yearn for, much more.  [Here’s a powerful clip from “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air” – the other videos in the playlist can’t be removed, sorry.]

Things to keep in mind: “bad” here is used not as an extreme word, but merely as a way to describe a man who is not living up to his role as father, even in the basic sense.  Call it judgmental (that would be a misuse of the word) or hateful, but at some point, we have to call a spade a spade.  A bad father isn’t present to his children, does not give them encouragement, nor inspiration, nor assistance, nor guidance, nor education.  A bad father lacks affection, affirmation, recognition, and compassion, and he shows no mercy.  Essentially, a bad father is the opposite of everything that God the Father is and that which a good father should strive for.

I wrote a post not too long ago, with a video, about my nephew (and his siblings.)  In the post, I discussed how his father was in the picture, but how his involvement is detrimental, and how these kinds of situations require other men to step in and be the father figures that children need.  Maybe there’s an element of timing in this discussion… for instance, the time in a child’s life may dictate whether or not a bad father’s presence is beneficial.  I’m sort of just writing my jumbled up thoughts right now because I really don’t know.  Maybe too, it depends on each kid.  Perhaps it is best that a bad father isn’t around in the teen years, but during the adolescent years?  (We should get this discussion going on the TrueManhood.com Facebook page.)

As I’ve written and said many times, our children learn from us, good or bad.  If we fail as fathers, our children will learn that fatherhood and/or masculinity is something other than what it actually is – believing that our failure is normal and acceptable.  I do not believe that we can substitute authentic masculinity when it comes to our children – they need to know it, be surrounded by it, and be taught it so that they are able to thrive in life.  TrueManhood is one of the most basic tenants of humanity, and literally as old as mankind.

So I pose a thought for you to consider… is it better for a child to have a bad father in their life or to have no father present at all?  I’m sure that we can all agree that children with great dads are always best off.  I’m certainly striving to be a great dad for my kids, won’t you strive to give that to your kids, too?

TrueMan up!

St. Joseph was, The Man

I’ve written a decent amount about St. Joseph over the past 2+ years.  He was awesome.  He was an incredible example of  faith, trust, husbandry, fatherhood and obedience to God.  Watch for more on St. Joseph later in the week.

Pope Benedict, just a few days ago, had this to say about St. Joseph:

ST. JOSEPH, LEGAL FATHER OF JESUS AND “NEW MAN”

VATICAN CITY, 19 DEC 2010 – At midday, fourth Sunday of Advent, the Pope appeared at the window of his study to pray the Angelus with faithful gathered in St. Peter’s Square. Today’s reading from the Gospel of St. Matthew, he said, “recounts the birth of Jesus from the point of view of St. Joseph. He was engaged to Mary who, ‘before they lived together, … was found to be with child from the Holy Spirit'”.

In the text “St. Joseph is presented as a ‘righteous man’, faithful to God’s laws and ready to do His will. For this reason he is admitted into the mystery of the Incarnation after an angel of the Lord, appearing to him in a dream, tells him: ‘Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife, for the child conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will bear a son and you are to name him Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins’. Thus Joseph abandons his plan to repudiate Mary secretly, and takes her to him because now his eyes see in her the work of God”.

Despite having suffered some anguish, “Joseph acted ‘as the angel of the Lord commanded him’, certain he was doing the right thing. By giving the name of ‘Jesus’ to that Child Who upholds the entire universe, he entered the ranks of the humble and faithful servants, similar to the angels and the prophets, similar to the martyrs and the Apostles. … St. Joseph announced the prodigies of the Lord, bearing witness to Mary’s virginity and to God’s gratuitous action, and protecting the earthly life of the Messiah. Thus we venerate Jesus’ legal father because in him we see the emergence of the new man, who looks with trust and courage to the future, who does not follow his own plans but entrusts himself entirely to the infinite mercy of the One Who fulfils the prophecies, the One Who opens the time of salvation”.

The Pope concluded his remarks by entrusting “all pastors” to St. Joseph, universal patron of the Church, “encouraging them”, he said, “quietly to present Christ’s words and actions each day to the faithful and to the whole world. … Let us trustingly invoke the Virgin Mary, full of grace ‘adorned by God’, that, during the Christmas which will soon be upon us, our eyes may open and see Jesus, and our hearts may joy at this incredible encounter of love”.

TrueMan up!

God Must Really Love Me

Great perspective from one of my favorite country music singers, Craig Morgan.  I think there’s a lot in this video that we can each connect with.  I hope it helps give you the perspective you need today.  Blessings.

“When I showed the worst, He saw the best. He pulled the world right off my chest. Every day I wake up, I feel blessed. God must really love me.”

No Idea Where to Take It

Since my first post about Tiger (nine days ago), an incredible amount of information has surfaced in this story.  Obviously, we’ve all seen or heard at least some details.  At this point, I have no idea where to take it.  There’s so much to talk about, I don’t care to get into it.  To me, Tiger has become another Lindsay Lohan/Britney Spears/A-Rod/John&Kate+8 tabloid star.  In light of this, I probably won’t blog more about him or this situation unless something really sticks out to me.

In response to a comment I received, I’d like to clear up a few things.  Here is the comment:

While I certainly do not condone his behavior, I think you are being a bit judgmental – especially when you state that “I won’t forget.” You are carrying a grudge against him and seem as though you are unwilling to forgive him for his transgressions. Hate the sin, not the sinner.

Tiger is at a low point in his life. He obviously has some major problems that he needs to deal with. On the news this morning, I heard reports of even more affairs and a possible addiction to pain killers.

Advent is a time of forgiveness and repentance. We need to forgive him. Tiger needs to repent. Pray that he understands the ramifications of his actions and that he is able to deal with these issues head on (repent).

I’ve discussed the topic of “judgmental” before, but I’ll clear up the confusion.  Typically, the term ‘judgmental’ is misused in our society.  Although I may receive some flack for this, to be judgmental is good… we judge actions of individuals to determine whether or not they would be good friends.  As a parent, I judge the actions of individuals to determine whether or not they can have contact with my children.  We judge decisions, records and work-ethic of political figures to determine whether or not we should vote for them.  We judge moral decisions.  We judge a great deal of things.  In this case, I was judging Tiger’s actions.  The confusion, I believe, comes when judgmental is used in place of “condemning”.  When we condemn others, we put ourselves in the place of Christ, taking the position of “you’re going to hell because of…”.  Condemning others is not our place, nor will it ever be.  Judgment is a virtue, in fact, you can read about it in the Catechism of the Catholic Church, paragraph 1806, under the heading of Prudence.

I’m not “unwilling to forgive” Tiger, nor am I carrying a grudge.  My point in the previous post about Tiger was that he is in the lime light and can’t simply turn that off because he made some mistakes.  His actions (morally right, wrong or indifferent) will have lasting effects on society.  You may say I’m stretching it here, but there will be men who think to themselves, and some who actually say the words out loud, “Tiger did it, it’s okay for me to do it too”.  His influence is (was) too powerful for that not to happen.

Also mentioned was the topic of forgiveness.  Yes, we are in Advent; it’s not a time of forgiveness or repentance, as stated in the comment.  Advent is a time of preparation and expectancy for the coming birth of the Christ child.  So, let’s look at this in the context of the Tiger situation, how does Advent play a role in how we look at everything?  First off, it’s not my place to forgive him, he has not trespassed against me… that’s for God and Tiger’s wife Elin.  Next, it was necessary that Jesus came into this world, to unite us to the Father because of our failings.  Our (mankind’s) sins were so grave that God Himself HAD to take human form, lowering Himself to human status, in order to redeem us.  Tiger, the same as all of us, needs God’s grace, His forgiveness and His mercy.  In this time of suffering and struggle for Tiger, I wish him healing.  I pray for a conversion of his soul.  Tiger obviously needs God, he might not know it yet, but he needs him.  And yes, you’re right, “hate the sin, love the sinner”.

I highly recommend that we all take a break from this tabloid saga and concentrate on more important things, like manning up!

Man up!

7 Days of Virtue; Day 7 – Love

Think of virtues like your muscles.  You work your muscles out so that they can perform for you when needed.  Virtue is the same way.  You practice, work on the virtue and then, when the time comes, the virtue is there and ready.

Day 7 of the 7 Day Journey through the Virtues: DAY 7 – LOVE.

Love, also called charity, is the form of all virtue.  Love is friendship with God and love leads us to God.  An important aspect of love is that it is a verb; it requires action from us.   To perform acts of love, we must surpass our own abilities; we require supernatural grace.   (Supernatural = super –> beyond… natural –> nature… beyond our nature.) 

Society often tells us that love is something that we get, instead of something we give.  We’re often told to seek it for our good, instead of the good of another.  This leads us to selfishness and seeking our our passions, desires and wants.  Instead, we should love unconditionally, especially our spouse and our children – making a freely given gift of ourselves and our lives.  Love brings us:

• Joy – seeing love in others.
• Peace – right relations, when we are united (or under reconciliation)
• Mercy – a compassionate heart for another’s unhappiness.   (The greatest virtue in relation to others.)

Love also occurs in:

• Passion – the desire for something.
• Natural virtue – when you want what is best for someone else.
• Theological virtue – the Holy Spirit dwelling in us. 

Man up!