‘Sexy’ Pressure for Girls at Halloween – an Article Primarily for Dads

The concept of ‘sexy pressure’ for girls at Halloween had never crossed my mind before my wife sent me a NY Times “parent blog” article – here it is – but now it’s resonating with me.  Makes me think about 10 years from now… what’s life going to be like for our little ones?  (Please read the article so that you understand what I’m talking about.  And not, I certainly don’t prescribe to what the author of the article is saying, but simply bringing it up as a point of discussion.)  I’m a father of 3 daughters, and although they are young, I’m aware of the pending pressure that’s coming – but apparently not aware enough.

In the article, you can sense that the pressure on girls comes mostly from other girls.  They didn’t talk about whether or not the guys thought they were ‘too sexy’, but the pressure stemmed almost exclusively from what the other girls perceived.  (I assert, too, that the pressure they feel isn’t so much real as it is only a perception, and the one quote shows that, when she says, essentially, “it’s not discussed but everyone knows it.”)  I’ve always found this to be true; the guys aren’t aware enough, most of the time, or don’t care enough, to make a big deal out of girl’s clothing.  Although there is that aspect when a girl is dressed in a “slutty” manner (per the article) when guys notice and begin to pay attention to her.  This is age-old.

What’s the big deal here?  Isn’t this just adolescent development, trial-and-error, and growing pains?  No, I don’t think so.  It’s a big deal because of the culture around our kids.  They see particular things online, on TV, in movies, in music videos, etc. and whatever is “it” MUST be emulated.  At least in their minds.  Whatever’s hip, cool, newest, biggest, baddest, and those things that push the moral lines, is what is desired.  Again, this is age-old.  The shiny thing that grabs attention is what becomes so sought after.  So, with our young women, and this idea of “dressing sexy for Halloween”, what do we do?  Fathers… where are you?

Here’s what we do.  I’ve written about this before, I speak about this all the time, I teach my kids in class this concept in all we do.  It’s not a new concept… it too is age-old.  We teach our kids that they are intrinsically good and that God loves them, and that we love them.  We instill in them a self-worth that is so strong that it can stand up against any cultural phenomenon, any peer pressure, any moral dilemma and come out victorious.  Without this self-worth, without this knowledge that they have a dignity that is deserving of only the greatest, they will fall into the pressure of the world to find their happiness, self-worth, and coolness factor from other things.  In the end, those other things won’t bring happiness, only emptiness.

Fathers: if you’re not the most loving, caring, compassionate, uplifting source of goodness in your daughter’s life, then why not?!  She needs your attention, your affection, your love, your discipline, your care, your concern.  NEEDS it like she needs water, food, oxygen, and shelter.  An absolute necessity.  If you’ve failed her in this area up to this point, work to fix your mistakes.  You’ve got 10 days before Halloween, it’s not too late.  And let’s be real, Halloween isn’t the issue, but it certainly accentuates the issue.

TrueMan up!

Porn – Out of Sight, Out of Mind?

I’m now a couple of weeks into my new career as a teacher.  I’m really enjoying it, and the kids are amazing.  We have great conversations about the faith, and I really believe that I’m reaching them.  As I consider each of my classes and each of my students, I haven’t yet breached the subject of pornography.  I’m working now to form bonds of trust and mutual respect, and want to work towards gaining moral authority with my students.  We’ll get there, and I don’t think it will take long.

In one class specifically, but in all seven of my classes generally, I’ll be diving into the topic of The Theology of the Body, and when we dive into that topic, we must (absolutely MUST) discuss the topic of pornography.  So I’ve been thinking about how I’m going to breach the subject, and how I’m going to deal with the responses.  I’ve presented to middle and high school kids plenty of times on the topic, but never in the classroom setting… always in retreat and/or talk situations.  This is going to be much different.

This got me thinking… if parents don’t fail with pornography use themselves, and also don’t know whether or not their children do, does the topic ever cross their mind?  Is pornography an “out of sight, out of mind” problem?  I know it crosses mine because I’m aware of the realities in my own life (past use), as well as the realities of the industry and the prevalence.  Here are some distinct groups when it comes to porn awareness.

1. Users: obviously, they’re highly aware of porn and are abusing it frequently.  It’s on their mind, if not constantly, very regularly.
2. Those fighting: highly aware and trying to create awareness in others.
3. Those in recovery: depending on the length of recovery, it may not be a frequent awareness, but they’re aware.
4. Those oblivious: have no knowledge of the topic, aren’t aware at all.
5. Those in denial: refusal to believe that porn is actually a problem.

What group do you fall in?  Are you a man using porn?  Does it rule your life?  What are you doing about it if this is you?  Or, are you in recovery?  Perhaps you’re oblivious and don’t know much about porn.  (You’ve come to a good site to learn more about the truths of pornography!  Just do a search in the white box.)  Are you a parent who is in denial of how bad pornography is and how likely your child is using it?  Wherever you might be, please continue to educate yourself on the matter and realize that, even if porn is “out of sight”, it can’t be “out of mind.”

I hope to be creating some good new resources for parents on the topic of fighting pornography, and I want to get them out to you very soon.  In the meantime, please look through my site for help.  Email info@truemanhood.com for specific questions.

TrueMan up!

Why I Hunt

The fall 2015 hunting season is just around the corner.  I’ve been putting in some time preparing for the season, and thought that the topic lent itself to the discussion of manliness, so I’m writing about why I hunt.  No, to be clear here, hunting doesn’t make a male a man.  No, you don’t have to hunt in order to be considered a TrueMan.  There are no pre-requisites in this article, simply my heart.  Here are some of the reasons why I hunt.

1. For Provision.  I hunt to provide food for my family.  No, it’s not our only source of food, but meat has definitely become the largest consumed food group over the past year.  Previously, our main consumption was probably grains; we’ve cut those dramatically.  Besides the purchase of local beef and pork – wild venison, dove, pheasant, turkey, and hog have become mainstays in our freezers.  My children thoroughly enjoy meat, prepared in various ways – usually grilled – and are growing lean muscles because of it.
2. For Bonding with my children.  My children, from very young ages, have demonstrated a desire to hunt with me.  We’ve spent time reading, watching, learning, and discussing hunting.  In my opinion, this is an absolute win-win situation for me.  I am able to have a hobby, that brings me life, that allows me to provide for my family, while also spending time with my kiddos doing something that we mutually enjoy.  Just a few weeks ago, my 7yr old daughter asked (unsolicited, I might add) if for her birthday this year, I could take her hunting.  Absolutely!  September 23rd I’m hoping to bag a deer with her!
3. For Education of my children.  Being in the wilderness with children offers countless educational opportunities.  It’s a great time to talk one-on-one, with no distractions.  It’s a great science lesson.  It’s a great opportunity to ask them to talk about God, His creation, and His love for us.  It’s perfect timing to talk about ethics (in hunting, and life in general), laws/regulations, and weapon safety.
4. To Rejuvenate.  Some might call this ‘to recreate’.  Either way, any time I have the opportunity to go out into the woods and the fields, it brings a sense of rejuvenation to me that being in town (even our small farm town) cannot provide.  Typically, the cell signal is low or out, you’re on your own and have to be self-reliant, and for me, those factors make me come alive!  A weapon in my hand, just waiting for the opportunity.
5. To Remain Mentally Sharp.  If you’ve never hunted, this one might seem obscure, but there’s something profound about waiting absolutely still, and quiet, in full camouflage, for that perfect opportunity to harvest a wild animal.  Your mental aptitude is tested, and between scouting out your location properly, to understanding the ins-and-outs of the particular game you’re hunting, it can be mentally exhausting. The wrong decision, movement, or noise can ruin your chances.  You should have a game plan, and backups, and that takes preparation.
6. To Hone My Skills of Survival.  Some would call me a conspiracy theorist, others might call me paranoid, still others would say that I’m not prepared enough.  Regardless of what your beliefs are about Muslim invasions, economic downturns, government oversteps, or terroristic attacks, one thing remains true… having the skills to live on your own may come in handy some day.  I need to know that I can harvest and cook food on a fire I created, and protect myself and family.  Being in the wilderness regularly helps me in that preparation.  Having skills with weaponry helps me in that preparation as well.

If you’ve never been in to hunting, but you want to get started, I’d ask these questions first.  1. What weaponry do you own?  (Shotgun, rifle, BB gun, bow, etc.  The weapon often dictates the game you’re able to hunt.)  2. Are you proficient with your weapon(s)?  (If not, practice practice practice.)  3. Where do you live and what are your local regulations?  (You have to know what education, licensure, and tags/permits are required, where you can use them, and when.  Learn this stuff online.)  4. Do you have any close contacts for people who can help teach you?  (Most true hunters would love the opportunity to hunt with someone new.  They can be your ticket into the hunting world!)  5. What source of educational materials do you have access to? (Online videos, YouTube, hunting channels, magazines, books, etc. are great sources to learn from.)

As always, if you have any needs or questions, don’t hesitate to contact us.  Email me at Dave@TrueManhood.com!

TrueMan up!

Keep Your Cool, Dad

I recently witnessed a less-than-ideal situation between a father and his children, and thought I’d relay the story here so that everyone could think about it.  They were doing some yardwork.  His kids were helping with the mowing and edging.  At one point, the father became irrate because the equipment stopped working.  He began to scream at the both of them, as if it was their fault that the machine failed.  A few explitives flew, a few derogatory and demeaning things were said, and I’m sure, some confidence (in the kids) was shot.

OK, so why do I bring this story up?  Lots of reasons!  First of all… anytime I hear yelling and cursing near me, I begin to investigate.  Secondly, anytime I know that a child is being yelled at, I turn my attention to the situation.  The lie to “keep your nose out of other people’s business” isn’t something I subscribe to, and neither should you.  The care of women, children, and other men is always a TrueMan’s business.  Passivity must not be tolerated.   Also, I want to work to highlight not only bad behavior in men, but more importantly, the ways in which the rest of us can learn from the mistakes and shortcomings of other men around us.  Let’s not make the same mistakes as others.  It’s about a dad who’s unable to control his temper and who is misguided in how he deals with stress.

I was keeping an eye on the situation in the event that it got out of hand and needed my intervention.  It never came to that, thankfully.  Whether the dad made the switch on his own, or if he saw me and changed his tune because he knew I was nearby, or whether it was something else entirely, I was just glad to see that it stopped.  To my knowledge, he never hit or struck his kids – I most certainly would have stepped in.

Let’s consider how a TrueMan handles this situation as a father.  If you’re going to have your children helping you, with whatever you’re doing, make it about teaching them and forming them to perform their chores/work properly.  If they happen to break something while learning, realize that stuff breaks and – if you’ve done it correctly – they’ll have truly learned something!  Isn’t that the point?!  Explanations of how things work, processes to follow, safety standards… all good things.  Yelling at them and demeaning them is the wrong approach.  Teaching, forming, encouraging… those are the attributes of a man who can be proud of his parenting.

A TrueMan keeps his cool, in every situation.  This requires so many virtues, they are too numerous to mention here.  Namely, the virtues of temperance, prudence, and fortitude come to mind.  If you aren’t familiar with these words, or want more information on virtue, please check out our “TrueManhood’s Quick Guide to Virtue” under the Resources tab.  Dads, your kids want to be with you.  They want your time, your attention, your affection, your love.  They want you.  They want to be wanted by you.  Give them that.  Give them you!

On a personal note, I work to constantly be aware of my yelling and overall tone when dealing with my kiddos.  I’ve come a long way and still can be better.  I don’t always do the right thing, and I don’t always make the right choices, but my head is screwed on straight and I work to be cognizant of how what I say affects my kids.  And not just what I say, but how I say it.  When we say and do things to our children, it definintely affects them and stays with them.  It changes them.  Work to be aware of your words and actions, because your kids are watching and learning; they’ll become who you teach them to become.

TrueMan up!

What My 6 Year Old Asked Siri to Show Her

I’m a huge proponent of “leading with your weakness”.  By showing those who follow you that you aren’t perfect, that you make mistakes, and that you have weaknesses, it makes you real.  It also shows people that we aren’t the sum of our failures.  So, as embarrasing as this story is, I’m going to share it because I think it will help people and may also encourage them to take the steps necessary within their own situation to prevent problems like this from occurring.

Recently, my sister-in-law and her kids moved in a few houses down.  It’s awesome having them nearby, and my kids really enjoy their cousins.  Since it’s the summertime, they’ve been playing non-stop… riding bikes, going to the swimming pool, playing at the playground, and having a grand ‘ol time.  However, with having cousins around, and additional adult supervision, our parenting has gotten a bit “loose”, we’ll say.  Boundaries have expanded, and permission an after-thought.  We have varying ages between the two families, so rules are different, especially in terms of the use of electronic devices, and access to the internet.  I knew this, and had a conversation with my two oldest children (still quite young) about not being on any devices (smartphones, iPods, tablets, laptops, etc.), even if their cousins were.  They obliged, knowing that we allow them some time on their Amazon Kindle Fire for Kids (with GREAT parental controls) a few times per week, and we went on our way.  But a few days later…

My wife got a call from her sister saying something to the effect of “the girls are busted.”  Apparently, she had walked past my niece’s bedroom and overheard my 6 year old daughter ask Siri “show me butt-naked people”.  What?!?!  She immediately went in and confescated the device and sent my daughter home to us.  (Thankfully, my sister-in-law has Covenant Eyes on all of the devices in her home, so even if she wouldn’t have heard this verbal request, she would have received the emailed report for this inappropriate search and the links to everything that was viewed.  Thank goodness she heard it immediately, and for the filter that blocked the search results!)

My daughter walked in and we could tell by her behavior that she knew she was in hot water.  I began to ask her what happened, and she started to breathe hard, fabricate a story, and struggle to really get any words out.  My wife and I had details from her sister, so we would know if she was lying or telling the truth.  I didn’t want to pressure her, so we had her go into her room, telling her that we’d call her out in a short while.  My wife and I had a powwow to figure out how we were going to respond.  Here’s what we decided to do:

1. Ask our daughter to tell us the whole truth.  We wanted to know what happened at Auntie’s house in her cousin’s room.
2. If she told the truth, she would still receive a punishment (for disobeying the original rule of “no devices”), but we would praise her for telling the truth and move on to discuss what she saw/did.  If she told a lie and fabricated a story, the consequences of her actions would be much more severe.
3. Make it clear to her that we love her.
4. Explain the concept of pornography with the help of a great resource called “Good Pictures, Bad Pictures.”  (We read and discussed chapter 1.)
5. Teach her that the human body is a good thing, and that God made it beautiful.  In addition, there are private parts and they are private for a reason.  (FYI – private parts are those areas that we cover with swimming suits.)
6. Teach her that being curious, about a lot of things, is okay and normal, but that she needs to talk to Daddy and Mommy, not ask Siri!
7. Set the punishment for disobeying the original rule.  (She lost her prized stuffed animals – a devastating loss for her.)
8. Tighten the rules, house-wide.
9. Explain our rules to the aunt/cousins so that the temptation to have our children break the rules would be lessened.  (2 rules to remember: 1. our property and 2. no devices.  They’re all still very little, so we want to keep rules easily understood and achievable.)
10. Hug our daughter and tell her that we love her.

We also followed up on this topic and discussion additional times over the weekend, and will take the conversation further from now on.

Some might be astonished that my young daughter was looking up porn on a wi-fi enabled device, but they shouldn’t be.  Kids have more access to porn and other terrible things than some people want to admit.  Their minds are curious and based on their exposure, whatever kind of media, influence, or consumption it might be, their knowledge of what to search or ask about varies.  I’m still not really sure what spurred on this particular “ask Siri” search, but my best guess is that it came from an interest in mermaids.

Here’s what I know:

• I gave my daughter too much leeway and trusted her just a little too much.  She’s tempted just like any other kid (or human, in general.)
• My daughter isn’t bad, evil, or sinful, but realistically curious and inquisitive.  This means that I need to pay much more attention to her than I was, and be sure to teach her in a pro-active way, not a retro-active way.
• My wife and I teamed up well with our approach, were on the same page, were calm and clear, and followed-through like we needed to.
• I’m really grateful for Covenant Eyes on our devices and for the functionality and ease-of-use.

If you’re a parent, you cannot disregard this topic.  None of us can.  Every child is susceptible to the dangers of the internet, and the easy access points that are made available to them.  Whether it be their own devices in your home, a friend’s device, or a school or library computer, the temptation to “ask Siri”, or “just Google it” is real.  Informing our children ahead of time, and continuing to have the conversation is an absolute must!  We should be arming them with the tools to be virtuous so that when they are faced with these choices, they choose what is right and good.  Watch for more coming on this topic, and please take advantage of the 60-day free trial that Covenant Eyes is offering through my affiliate, good through August 31.  Click HERE for the free trial.

TrueMan up!

60-Day Free Trial from Covenant Eyes

I’m excited to announce a great offer from Covenant Eyes!  Through my affiliate, new users with be offered a 60-Day Free Trial.  This trial is only available from Aug 1-31, so be sure to act quickly.  Click HERE to get the offer.

What is Covenant Eyes?  Internet accountability and filtering.  What, then, is internet accountability and filtering?  To explain, watch this video with Matt Fradd.

Why do I like and support Covenant Eyes and encourage every man, woman, and family to use it?  It’s simple; transparency in our actions, especially online, leads to better moral decisions and holds us accountable to what we’re searching, seeing, and consuming.  Covenant Eyes brings our accountability partner(s) into each click, search, and scroll.  For parents, it opens a gateway towards conversations with children, and sets up an automatic and recurring system to “check in” with their kids about internet use.  And, it keeps parents and spouses from guessing and hoping that their loved one’s internet use is on the up and up.  Covenant Eyes is easy to set up, and even easier to use because it operates in the background.

I will be putting out more resources, videos, and blogs in relation to internet safety.  Stay tuned!

TrueMan up!

Protecting Boys after High School

High school graduations are upon us, and many of those graduates will be moving on to bigger and better things.  When they’re gone, they’re still your child, and you still have some responsibility for their sanctification.  Although they’re of adult age, and many will be out of the house, your parental role doesn’t stop, it merely changes.  How then do you help your college-aged, young adult children?  Well, here are a few tips.

1. Don’t Lie to Yourself: Realize that they’ve seen more, done more, and have been exposed to more than you’d probably like. If they’ve seen any mainstream media, heard any popular music, or hung out with any other children who have done so, they’ve seen it, done it, and/or have been exposed to it.  The “it” is the junk, filth, and garbage that’s out there in TV, movies, music, magazines, and all over the internet.
2. Be Aware: Most institutions of higher education don’t filter, block, or have regulations against pornography and other filth on the internet. Some do, but those systems are rare.
3. New Found Freedom and Rebellion: Being out of the house lends itself towards rebellious views and ideas of invincibility, especially on the college campus. These institutions are typically not calling the boys towards authentic masculinity, but rather, allows and encourages on-going childishness and “cultural manliness”.

It doesn’t matter what they go on to do, they’ll be exposed to more and more than ever before.  Even faithful, Catholic schools have problems with protecting their students, and your child isn’t the exception to the rule.  Okay, okay… downer Dave here… as usual, killing the excitement and joy surrounding graduation.  Harping on the bad news and leaving everyone scared to raise kids in America.  Sorry.  Well, not really.  Instead of only harping on the bad, I’ve got a great tool to aid you in your parenting.  It’s called Covenant Eyes, and I fully endorse their products.

Covenant Eyes is a filtering and accountability software for PCs, Macs, smartphones, and tablets.  It works on a plethora of devices and they continually develop the software to keep up with the latest and greatest gadgets.  Covenant Eyes does a number of things, and while I can’t tell you all of them in this short post, here are three of the most practical things it does, especially for your boy (or girl) heading off to college.

1. Peace of Mind: Covenant Eyes lends itself towards giving parents peace of mind that the content that their child (even their young adult child) is protected from content that is bad for them. The filtering helps to block explicit, pornographic, and malicious content from entering the device.
2. A Talking Point: Covenant Eyes is a gateway to conversation between parents and children. It gives a parent the opportunity to discuss the content, not ignore it.  It gives the child the responsibility of having the device, with the accountability to back it up.
3. Keepin’ It Real: Covenant Eyes keeps everything honest, open, and transparent. The truth is the truth, and if a site has been visited that shouldn’t have been, or an app has been utilized that shouldn’t have been, or questionable online behavior is happening, it puts it all out on the table.  When it’s out there, it can be dealt with.

And it’s not only good for older kids, it’s great for everyone in the house.  Dads – you need this software on your devices to keep you honest.  Moms can benefit from it too!  (Did you know that 1 out of 4 church-going women admit to being addicted to pornography?!)  And our pure, innocent littles… it’s the least we can do for them.  The least.

So how do you start using Covenant Eyes?  Click HERE to go to the Covenant Eyes site to sign up for your free one-month trial.  That’s right, it couldn’t be easier, just head on over and they’ll let you try it out for a month at no cost.  (The link takes you to my affiliate page automatically.)  Once you’ve signed up, you’ll download the program on your computer(s), laptop(s), and iOS/Android devices (get the app), set up the functionality you want to utilize (in the setting portion of the account), and immediately, the device is protected.  If you have ANY problems, or struggle with technology (like so many parents do), simply call their customer service line and they will walk you through everything.  It’s totally worth it, easy to do, and gives you that all-important peace of mind.  What’s stopping you?  Do it today!

Covenant Eyes has a monthly cost after the initial free month trial.  Considering all of the junk out there, I find the minimal costs to be well worth the souls of our children.  One monthly cost covers ALL of your family’s devices.  Hard to beat.  I’ve tried tons of different blocks, filters, and accountability, and by far, this is my favorite.

TrueMan up!

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