But How? Helping Men Overcome

One of the questions I’m asked most often is “If a man is addicted to porn, what can he do to overcome it?”  I’d like to tell you that there’s an “easy button” that a man can push and be done with it, but it’s definitely not that simple.  It’s such a frequent question because so many men are addicted and literally don’t know what to do.  Many will tell me that “I’ve tried everything but nothing worked.”  Some will say “I didn’t know what to do so I didn’t do anything.”  All of them know that they want out of the chains that bind them, and all of them know that something has to happen, but so few know what really works.

I have a “5 Step Plan” that could be a good starting point for you.  It’s worked for many men, I believe it can work for you as well.  There are some areas of the plan that are nuanced, the most important of those areas is accountability.  [I hope to create a video about accountability soon to help explain it further.]  There are plenty of other plans, programs, ideas, formats, resources, and approaches that you can find and try.  For men who are extremely troubled by their addiction and who need a full-on attack, some would suggest Sexaholics Anonymous groups, counseling, and/or reparative brain therapy.   You are obviously welcome to try them – do whatever you need to experience freedom.

Regardless of what method you choose, one thing is for sure… every man needs accountability.  The reason accountability is so important is because it forces us to be honest about our life, and forces us to take responsibility for our actions.  An accountability partner is someone very close to you, with whom you can be honest and forthright.  Failing to be 100% open and honest will result in failed accountability.  If you can’t be honest, don’t even start… you’re wasting everyone’s time.  Don’t get me wrong, I know that it’s extremely hard to be honest and that vulnerable.  It’s not a sign of weakness to be vulnerable, it’s a sign of wisdom.

For some, knowing what other men have done, tried, and what has worked or not is a great benefit.  Other men will want to blaze their own trail.  Either way, a man needs to do something, anything.  Be sure, accountability is not something that is okay or acceptable in the cultural manliness lifestyle, so not many will understand and few will encourage it.  Don’t let them get in your way.

Following Step 3 of the 5 Step Plan, you’ll see that you need to “find a brother”, meet as frequently as you need, and be deliberate about your approach.  Watch for the video on accountability, along with a still-to-come TrueManhood guide to accountability.  Another frequent question or road block I hear is about finding this brother for accountability…. so few men actually have male friends, let alone a man they feel comfortable to invite into this sort of relationship.  For those who need it, I offer my services to work through the beginning stages of accountability and beyond.  Contact me for more information.  ContactUs@TrueManhood.com.

TrueMan up!

From Her Perspective

The following is a poem written by a woman – a wife, a mother – that was devastated by her husbands addiction to pornography.  I don’t know the name of the poet, but I’ve spoken with many women who share her feelings.  Please take a few minutes and read this powerful poem.

“I Looked For Love in Your Eyes.”

I saved my best for you.
Other girls may have given themselves away,
But I believed in the dream.
A husband, a wife, united as one forever.

Nervous, first time, needing assurance of your love,
I looked for it in your eyes
Mere inches from mine.
But what I saw made my soul run and hide.

Gone was the tenderness I’d come to know
I saw a stranger, cold and hard
Distant, evil, revolting.
I looked for love in your eyes
And my soul wept.

Who am I that you cannot make intimate love to me?
Why do I feel as if I’m not even here?
I don’t matter.
I’m a sexual prop in a filthy play.
Not an object of tender devotion.

Where are you?

Years pass
But the hardness in your eyes does not.
You think I’m cold
But how can I warm to eyes that are making “mental sex” to someone else
Instead of making love to me?

I know where you are.
I’ve seen the pictures.
I know now what it takes to turn you on.
Women…someone’s young daughter like I once was

Women …. But artificially enhanced, acting, used and then discarded.
Images burned into your brain.
How could you think they would not show in your eyes?
Because souls don’t matter, only female bodies do
To men who consume them.

Did you ever imagine,
The first time you picked up a dirty picture
That you were dooming all intimacy between us
Shipwrecking your marriage
Breaking the heart of a wife you wouldn’t meet for many years?

If it stopped here, I could bear it.
But you brought the evil into our home
And our little boys found it.
Six and eight years old.
I heard them laughing, I found them ogling, their innocence now gone.

Little boys
My little boys
Laughing and ogling the sexual body
Of a woman, a woman like me.
Someone like me!

An image burned into their brains.

Will their wives’ souls have to run and hide like mine does?
When does it end?

I can tell you this. It has not ended in your soul.
It has eaten you up. It is cancer.
Do you think you can feed on a diet of distorted fantasies
And come out of your locked room to love?

You say the words, but love has no meaning in your mouth
When self-centeredness rules in your heart.
Your addiction has eaten up every vestige of the man
I thought I was marrying.
Did you ever dream it would so consume you
That your wife and children would live in fear of your hidden problem?

That is what you have become
Feeding your soul on poison.

I’ve never used porn.
But it has devastated my marriage, my family, my world.

Was it worth it?

If you are a woman dealing with your husband’s addiction to pornography, or any man’s addiction to pornography, you are not alone.  There are numerous resources available.  I’m an open door and welcome your emails or phone calls anytime.  Email me at Dave(at)TrueManhood(dot)com or call our offices at (412) 475-TRUE.

Men – it is time to stop thinking that your pornography use doesn’t effect anyone else.  It effects every part of your life, every relationship and every future relationship.  If you need help with your addiction, please contact me for a list of resources.

If any women are reading this who are addicted (studies say that 1 out of every 5 women is addicted to pornography), there are great resources for you as well.

TrueMan up!

Great Resource For Women – “Yes, She’s More Beautiful Than You”

I came across this great website by a lady named Ashley Weis.  See her site HERE.  Ashley writes strictly to women, to be a support and a source of inspiration to them.  Ashley’s story is a good one – the wife of a man with an addiction to pornography.  This topic is a topic that spurs a lot of questions.  Many women ask me about this topic – how can I help my _________? (fill in the blank).  Sometimes it’s “my husband”, “my boyfriend”, “my dad”, etc.  I know how to help the men, I don’t necessarily know how to help the women.  I was very relieved when I found out about Ashley’s resources.

My wife is a great resource in this process of healing, as she too is the wife of a recovering pornography addict.  She is a Licensed Professional Counselor and really good at what she does.  She has some insights into the feelings, emotions, prayers, healing and trust that goes into all this.  If you’d like to talk with Catherine, feel free to email us at ContactUs@TrueManhood.com and we’ll pass your email along to her.

For women who might be reading this, I hope that either Catherine or Ashley, or any of the other women that are resources on this topic, can be a source of peace and healing for you if you are dealing with this trauma.

For the men reading this, I urge you to see the hurt and pain through a woman’s eyes/thoughts.  It should speak volumes to us and help our behavior.  If you know of a woman in your life who needs to read this, please forward the link to them.

Ashley recently wrote a great article for the Covenant Eyes blog.  I share it with you below.  (BTW: if you’re looking for a great internet security software, Covenant Eyes is a great one.  It might cost a bit of money, but a few dollars a month is worth your salvation, don’t you think?!)

Here’s the blog entry from Ashley that was posted at the Covenant Eyes Blog:

Yes, She’s More Beautiful Than You

“I nuzzled my face into his chest, peered up at him, and said, “I just want to be the most beautiful woman in the world to you.”

Silence.

Immediately, I replayed memories. Like the day I found explicit links on the computer. And the night he confessed to viewing pornography at work while I waited for him at home—pregnant.

“Silence doesn’t make me feel any better,” I said, hoping he’d say something to reassure me.

“I don’t want to say something that’s not true.”

“So, there are women you think are more beautiful than me?” He didn’t answer, but I pried.

“There have been. Yes.”

I gulped and restrained tears. “What about them?” He named qualities. Attributes I already knew he found attractive, but hearing the words ripped my heart into a thousand pieces.

When I begged for a deeper understanding, he asked, “Would it help if I gave you an actual person?” He gave me a celebrity’s name. I thanked God it wasn’t someone we knew.

Then I asked a question I shouldn’t have asked, “So, if you stood her next to me, you would think she was more beautiful?”

“Yes, she’s more beautiful than you.”

Tears rained for an hour. I thought I’d never heal after such devastation. Beauty was stolen from me. My essence was torn apart. I never imagined feeling beautiful again, not after my dearest companion whispered the heart-wrenching words, ‘Yes, she’s more beautiful than you.’

Agonizing thoughts popped up every time my husband and I made love. Whenever we were in public, I feared seeing a woman with the qualities he named. And I cried every time I saw my reflection in a mirror.

I had to do something, but what?

Divorce was out of the question. I didn’t want to break my wedding vows. I didn’t want to run from problems. But I didn’t know how to heal. Sometimes just looking at my husband brought tears. I missed the way our relationship sparkled in the beginning. I wanted us back. But every time I looked into his eyes I felt unwanted and ugly.

My husband began to change. He battled lust and asked God to purify his heart. Even so, whenever he told me I was beautiful, I cringed.

People often reminded me that beauty isn’t reflected in a woman’s appearance—it’s all about her heart. But every time I saw another woman I’d compare myself. And whenever my husband looked at me I’d wonder if I was beautiful enough.

Surely, beauty had something to do with appearance; otherwise God wouldn’t have created women to be beautiful and men wouldn’t be so visually stimulated by their wives. But how could I feel beautiful in my own skin after my husband ranked me below other women? He said he had changed, and his actions proved that his heart was being purified more every day, but I still positioned myself below those women and felt unattractive.

After many agonizing nights of locking my husband out of the house and handing over my wedding rings, I woke up, looked in the mirror, and asked God to help me view myself through His eyes—not my own or my husband’s.

For the first time I saw beauty. But it wasn’t a familiar beauty.

Stripped of make-up and hair products, I saw beauty in my reflection. I saw a woman crafted by God. And He doesn’t make mistakes. Every flaw somehow vanished when I realized that my imperfections were beautiful to Him.

The same God that orchestrates beautiful sunsets created me! Looking at myself and believing I needed make-up, hair straighteners, and tan skin to create beauty was pretty much telling God, “Sorry, but you didn’t cut it. I need to add some things, take away some things, and then I’ll be beautiful.”

It’s not easy to feel this way every minute of the day. Satan seeks to destroy me. He throws arrows at my deepest wounds and worst insecurities. He wants me to feel like I need to prove myself. Like I need something else in order to be good enough. Whether it’s my body or personality, he is always trying to make me think I’m lacking something. God wants me to rest in who I am. Satan doesn’t. It’s like a tug of war for my heart. God builds me up and Satan schemes to bring me down. I don’t want to let him.

Yes, I still wonder if I’m good enough for my husband. I still battle the wow-I-wonder-if-he-likes-that-woman thoughts. But I have learned to view my beauty through God’s eyes. And in turn, I’m not so dependent upon anyone’s opinion other than God Himself.

I hope I will continue to realize the “I’m not good enough” feeling is a lie. There is no perfect woman. God created me to be me. Confidence is a beautiful thing, and I want that! Not stylish clothes, but the godly confidence God created me to have. I desire a smile that beams when the world is crashing down.

I am learning to love myself, appreciate the gifts and positive qualities God gave me, and thank Him for them. I am still learning and struggling, but most of all, still fighting and loving.

Truly, I feel as though my beauty has been resurrected since I looked at myself through God’s eyes, and stopped trying to attain the sex appeal advertised on billboards or advertisements. Although it’s still difficult not to desire that kind of sexiness, God has shown me a different side of beauty. A beauty that He finds attractive, because He created it.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to rid myself of the words my husband said. They still tumble through my thoughts and spin my heart. But I have learned to stop believing them. I’ve learned that I do not need affirmation from the world in order to know I am beautiful. Now, when I brush make-up on my face, I know it’s not necessary; it’s only a fun accessory. Real beauty is created by God, not me.

I can shout with full confidence, “I am beautiful,” because the King of Kings fashioned me. And no one can take that beauty away from me.”

Keep Fighting

Men, Whether you’ve been on the battle field for a long time or have just begun the fight, I want to encourage you to continue to fight! The devil is strategic in how he attacks you and a period of freedom (any amount of time) can at times play games with a man’s mind, allowing him a sense of “I’m done with this” – that’s called complacency.  No matter how long you’ve experienced freedom (1 day or 10 years), you can never let your guard down.  The path to holiness is paved by discipline and you must remain disciplined in order to successfully achieve holiness.  Holiness, a complete imitation of Christ, in Heaven is our goal.  If you’re reading TrueManhood for the first time, then you may not know what I’m talking about.  Here at TrueManhood, we directly attack the evils of the culture, one of those being a most grave evil – pornography.

For men who are reading this for the first time (or for someone who knows a man who has an addiction to pornography but hasn’t yet sought help), please visit the links posted below to get started in battling your addiction.  If you’ve already seen all these resources, it may be time to read them again.  Take back your life and strive for TrueManhood – a life of virtue in Christ Jesus.

• For “TrueManhood’s 5 Step Plan to Overcoming an Addiction to Pornography” Click HERE.
• To read other articles about the fight against pornography, type in ‘PORN‘ or ‘PORNOGRAPHY‘ in the search box towards the upper right.
• For Porn Addiction Resources, Click HERE.
• For “TrueManhood’s Guide to Virtue” Click HERE.
• To view videos of my talks against pornography addiction, Click HERE.
• For free anti-porn software, click HERE.
• If at anytime you need assistance with your battle, email me directly at Dave@TrueManhood.com.

TrueMan up!