Men Leading Boys, Not Boys Leading Boys

 

Dads, this post is for you.  On the heels of St. Joseph’s Feast Day, I wanted to talk about what I believe is an important topic regarding fathers and their sons.  As you read in the title of this post, I wrote “men leading boys, not boys leading boys.”  This idea has come up a lot for me, especially of late, in regards to things that take place in and around our world.  Three specific areas that I’ll mention are 1. Scouting 2. Catholic Schools and 3. Firearms.

 The concept of boys learning how to be men from men might seem like an unnecessary one to hash out.  Unfortunately, I believe that we have a crisis of masculinity because boys have been learning how to be men from other boys.  This simply doesn’t work.  Keep in mind that the opposite of masculinity is not femininity, but rather, childishness.  Both boys and men are males, but not all males are or become men.  (Some dogs are males too, that doesn’t make them men.)  Some males may never reach manliness – this would be due to their actions, choices, and attitudes.

This opens the doorway to many criticisms of this idea, such as fathers who have abandoned their children, fathers who are divorced and estranged from their families, boys whose fathers may have simply been a “donor”, and sadly for some, boys whose fathers have passed away.  (Most of these scenarios, as you can see, involve a party other than the boy himself, making a choice that negatively impacts the boy and his development.  I would put the ‘fathers who have passed away’ in a different category altogether for my argument.)  Unfortunately, the common response is “we can’t expect fathers to be with their sons because so many boys don’t have fathers who are present.”  This is the wrong response, and probably a major factor of why we are in the predicament of a fatherless culture.  Let’s stop making excuses, and save what good we have, and fix the bad.  If you have a boy (or many boys) in your life – family, friends, neighbors, your children’s classmates, etc. – who don’t have a father in their life, be that man to him as much as you can. Regarding scouting: there has been a big push, especially among Catholics, to leave the Boy Scouts of America organization because of choices and changes they have made, areas of morality they have compromised, and unsafe environments that have gone unregulated, to name a few.  I’ve engaged in the conversation several times with various folks and have come to the conclusion that whatever our boys do, the fathers MUST be involved!  Whether the boy is in scouts, (Check out Dr. Taylor Marshall’s Catholic option) or in sports, how can we expect one man, and sometimes a woman, (ie: the scout leader or the coach) to form every young boy he has under his care?  That’s crazy to think that it will happen.  Even with a few leaders or a few coaches, the journey from boyhood to manliness won’t occur properly without each boy’s father being present.

My second area of concentration on this topic is within our Catholic schools.  Hopefully, if you’re a father of a child in school, you not only know their teachers, administrators, and coaches, but you know their friends and the parents of their friends.  Knowing the teachers and administrators means more than simply knowing their names and faces, but actually knowing their philosophy and certainly their theology.  (I’m guilty of not knowing enough about this with my own children.)  My point is this… if the father is void of this vital time, or simply “lets mom do it”, our kids will suffer.  Fathers must be active in the education and formation of their children.  Again, it seems unnecessary to say it, but it is so true and utterly ridiculous to think that our boys will become men from the other boys they are around at school.  The other boys in school might be watching inappropriate movies, shows, and listening to inappropriate music.  They may also have misguided “world views”, or beliefs that are contrary to Catholicism.  Many of these boys are already addicted to porn, engaged in sexual behavior, using alcohol and drugs, and involved in unlawful acts.  Are these the boys you want your boys being formed by?

 My parenting philosophy here is not to simply lock my children in the basement and keep them in a Catholic bubble, but rather, to properly form them, instilling virtue into their lives, so that when faced with tough life decisions, peer pressure, or sin-in-general, they make the right decision.  Get in there and be the leader your kid needs!

I thought I’d also throw in the third area – firearms – because I continue to hear so much untruth surrounding them.  Yes, I am a gun-guy.  I have a bunch of firearms and I enjoy them thoroughly.  I talk about them with my kids, show them how they function, how to load them, how to clean them, proper stance for various shooting positions, and include various tactics and methods.  I take them hunting with me (they are not of hunting age themselves, but may accompany me) and to the range or country to shoot.  Along the way, their formation is heavily involved because I don’t leave things at surface level, but rather, dive into serious topics and scenarios with them.  We’ve discussed the ethics and morality in relation to hunting, requiring us to be smart, safe, and legal.  We’ve discussed the reality of the danger of firearms when used incorrectly, with the devastating effects that they can have, including the reality of death.  We talk about a lot of things regarding firearms – they are a part of our lives.  Heck, many nights, the food we eat is due to the firearms that I have and have used.  I don’t shy away from having them, using them, or showing them to my kids like my firearms are some sort of evil-doer or monster.  We embrace them as a tool and just like my hammers, screwdrivers, drills, and wrenches, I teach my kids how to utilize them properly.  How else would I expect them to learn?

I guess I’ll end with this: if we want out boys to remain boys, and never reach TrueManhood (a life of virtue modeled after Jesus Christ), then we should let the culture raise them.  If, however, we want our boys to reach TrueManhood (and ideally, as soon as possible), then we should raise them.  This means being heavily involved in every aspect of their life, at all times, without compromise.

 I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again… we’ve all heard the saying “If I don’t do it, nobody will.”  I’ll see your bet and raise you eternity… “If I don’t do it, the devil will.”  Think about it.

 TrueMan up!

Example to the Example – St. Joseph

Happy Feast of St. Joseph!  As you’ll hear in this vlog (below), St. Joseph is my favorite saint.  He is such an incredible example to us, and for me personally, has played a huge role in me growing into the man I am today.  St. Joseph is so complex, and has so many dimensions, it is hard to decide what to discuss!

I titled this post “example to the example” because it forces us to look a level or two deeper than we normally look.  St. Joseph is not merely a saint.  Not merely Mary’s husband.  Not merely the most chaste spouse.  St. Joseph is the example by which Jesus – the perfect example of masculinity –  learned to be a man.  Whoa!  What a huge role that was.

St. Joseph – I ask you to intercede for me.  Take my needs to your son, The King, and beg Him, on my behalf, for the grace necessary to be the man, the husband, and the father He is calling me to be.  Thank you for your example to me, and the daily reminder you give me through my wife and children.

TrueMan up!

Here’s an old video that I was asked to help with, back in 2011, to help promote the movie “Courageous”.  In this video, I speak about being a chaste spouse.  [This project was a St. Joseph Novena – a video a day, leading up to Father’s Day.]  (Disregard dates, my title, etc. – the information is outdated.)

Share Your Greatness

I recently saw a ridiculous commercial from PlayStation 4.  Watch:

I had no idea how big these Sony marketing efforts were (probably because I don’t watch much television or play video games) and didn’t realize until after I shot the short video (below) that this isn’t a new marketing scheme at all, but rather, it’s been out for a while and it is mainstream.  You’ll see that the video above has been viewed 12+ million times.  This doesn’t count the other commercials, the print ads, or the times it’s been seen on TV and other mediums.  It goes without saying, this version of greatness has been consumed.

It’s not in this video, but there are other PS4 commercials under the same “Greatness Awaits” slogan that talk about “epic” moves and actions, “first to greatness”, and “sharing your greatness.”  The idea is that when a gamer makes a successful play, a creative kill, or a “first of a kind” move in a video game, PS4 will save the video of that move and then post it for others to see on social media.  Is this all that we have?  Is this the best we can do?  This is false reality perpetuating false reality!  The false reality that is video games, to me, is astonishing in and of itself… and now this sort of marketing is applied.  All that we expect out of ourselves is a good move or play in a video game?  Lame.

I make some bold claims in the video. Some of the themes aren’t as developed as I’d maybe like, but I’ve never posted about this specifically, and want to at least get the ball rolling on this topic. We have a major epidemic of males (boys) running around when we need men. (FYI: The opposite of masculinity isn’t femininity, it is childishness.) We have a ‘culture of the young male’ that wastes incredible amounts of time sitting at a screen, pressing some buttons.  Since the advent of the Atari, it’s become worse and worse.  Many of our young males aren’t going on adventures. These young males aren’t pursuing noble causes. They don’t even go outside! Many of these same young males lack courage and the ability to ask a woman out on a date. They are missing out on life.  (Trust me, I’ve experienced this firsthand, on college campuses around the country, in high schools, and in society the past 15+ years.)

Men – if you find yourself as one of these males that play video games, I want to encourage you to get rid of them. Call it quits. Find a suitable alternative. (I name a few categorically in the video.) Strive for true greatness.

Women – if you are with a male who throws time down the garbage by playing video games, ask yourself if he’s what you deserve. Help him by expecting more from him.

Parents – if your children have video games, I’m not saying that they are intrinsically evil, but want to encourage everyone to take a step back and consider how much time is being spent in this false reality, and how much effort and money is going into a mindless and fleeting activity? Is this all that we can, should, or will expect of our children? This goes far beyond video games, and includes all of our use on screens of any kind. They are one of the devil’s gateways into our lives. I’m suggesting that you consider heavily the consequences of video games in your children’s lives.

As with all things in life, TrueManhood.com wants to relate what we do and what we should be doing to virtue.  The answer here is to strive for magnanimity.  St. Thomas Aquinas in the Summa described magninimity as “stretching forth the mind to great things.”  It is also, “Greatness of soul. It looks especially to honor and seeks to perform noble deeds. Its object is to perform actions that faith tells a person are great in the eyes of God, no matter what people may think of one’s conduct. “

TrueMan up!

Bought with a Price

I am profoundly excited to bring you a great anti-pornography resource, a revised edition of a Pastoral Letter from Bishop Paul Loverde from the Diocese of Arlington, Virginia.  This pastoral letter originally came out eight years ago, but has been reissued because of the severe and overwhelming need.  “Bought with a Price” – Every Man’s Duty to Protect Himself and His Family from a Pornographic Culture.  It includes a new foreword from anti-porn leader, Matt Fradd.

The intended re-release of this letter is March 19, 2014 – the Feast of St. Joseph, patron saint of fathers.  I highly encourage everyone to read this letter and put what you read into action.

“Today’s father must protect himself and his children from the relentless assault of an increasingly pornographic culture; moreover, mothers share this sacred task.  Every home now stands in the pathway of this attack on our children’s innocence and purity.  If we are not vigilant, our sons and daughters will pay a steep and heartrending price.” p.6

Fathers – it is critical that we work to protect ourselves and our families from the evils of pornography.  First, ourselves, and then those around us and under our care. 

In a future post, I will write on the topic of “helping parents protect their children from the internet” – a talk that I give about the harms of the internet and how to practically handle the situation.  One of the most important aspects of this topic is to have conversations with our children.  If you think that your child isn’t or won’t be affected by pornography, you are wrong.  If your children have internet accessible devices and you don’t know that they can (and probably do) access pornography, you are naïve.  How then do you handle this?  You talk about it!  And it’s never too early to talk about it… when done properly, prudently, and age-appropriately.  (Note: the average age of first exposure to pornography in America is now 8 years old and dropping rapidly!)

Do you expect your child to understand mathematics on their own, with no instruction?  What about anatomy, biology, history?  Certainly not.  The old adage, “having the sex talk” is a misnomer, implying that parents should only speak to their children one time about sex.  Simply check a box and it’s handled.  This does not work.  We should instruct our children on a properly ordered understanding of sexuality, and instruct them often.  I start imparting knowledge on the topic very early with my children… even before they can truly understand.  It sets the tone, and creates a solid foundation for them to grow upon.  As each child gets older, the topic broadens, the seriousness increases, and the formation I desire heavily to provide to my children is strengthened. 

Take the time and read this pastoral letter from Bishop Loverde, then act on it!

TrueMan up!

Matt Fradd’s “Rules for Men to Break”

Today, for the first time in maybe 6 or 8 years, I sat in the crowd of a men’s conference merely as a participant.  I wasn’t a speaker at the event, nor was I running a vendor table.  It was relaxing, encouraging, and gave me some good thoughts about areas I would like to write/speak on, as well as some tips/hints where I can improve my speaking.  Overall, the day went very well and I think the 1,500 men in the room walked away inspired and enthusiastic.

Matt Fradd was one of the keynote speakers, as he often is at men’s conferences.  He did an outstanding job.  He is very good at the art of public speaking.  I’d like to recount his “5 Rules That Every Man Should Break”, and then give some thoughts of my own on the topic.

The 5 Rules:

1. Never get into a fight.
2. Never think about sex.
3. Never give into peer pressure.
4. Never risk it all.
5. Never ask for directions.

I’m happy to say that I’ve broken all of these rules!  Number 1: Although in my youth, I used to get into physical altercations frequently (sorry if you didn’t know that, Mom!), I now fight for things much more important – like the innocence of my children.  I fight for truth.  I fight the evils of pornography.  Getting into these sorts of fights… for goodness, and justice… is a good thing!  In fact, men are called to this.  To be effective, however, we must be educated, courageous, and prudent.

Number 2 is so important for us to understand.  Sex is a good thing!  Similarly to fire, sex needs to be contained, and looked at in context.  Fire, raging out of control, is bad.  It can destroy, and kill.  Sex, out of context and out of control, will ultimately destroy love and will kill us.  (For more on this, search out and read anything by Christopher West on the topic of Blessed John Paul II’s “Theology of the Body”.  Especially reference any time that West refers to the “fast food diet vs. the starvation diet” of sex for more understanding of the correct Catholic view of sex.)

Number 3 can be tricky… we should give into peer pressure when the pressure of our peers is good and properly ordered.  This requires work on our part, and discipline, to put ourselves in good places with good people.  How many of us have solid, well-formed friends that we spend our time with?  Not only, however, that we spend our time with, but also that challenge us to live better, and hold us accountable to the standard that we want and are called to uphold?  If you don’t, you need to seek out these kinds of people and get to work!

Number 4 comes down to courageousness.  The courage to risk it all is within you!  If you’re a man and have been with a suitable woman for the right amount of time, don’t wait!  “Risk it all” and ask her to marry you already!  If you’re considering the priesthood, don’t sit around and waste time “discerning” more… make a decision and do it!  (Please don’t take my use of discernment as though I don’t believe in it.  I use it emphatically here b/c of how skewed it has become, and how it allows men to hide behind it like a mask, easily shucking any form of responsibility.)  Decisiveness is a virtue; a sub-virtue of prudence.

Number 5 takes our minds automatically to the road, but I’d prefer to take it deeper.  How about linking this to spiritual direction?  Accountability?  Obedience to our priests?  Taking directions from trusted, wise, and faithful men can be the difference between success and failure in life.

Thanks to Matt Fradd for this good list of rules to break.  Let’s step outside of the “norm” and be dangerous men for the Lord!  How many do you break?

TrueMan up!

Tweet-Talk… Porn’s No Good, Ochocinco

I don’t tweet.  I have a Twitter account, and my Facebook page updates are automatically put on Twitter, but as for following, tweeting, re-tweeting, etc… I haven’t gotten into it.  I can see, however, from the post below, that Twitter can actually bring about some good.  Here’s a status from yesterday’s (2/8/12) #4 most mentioned person, my friend, John Leyendecker.

THROWING STONES AT OCHO’S PORNOGRAPHY – read below or view on the FOCUS Equip website.

So yesterday Chad Ochocinco (his Twitter handle is: @ochocinco) responded to me (@johnleyendecker) on Twitter! Can you believe it? I mean, c’mon, the guy has 3.2 million followers and he responded to me! This was huge! My kids have his Bengals jerseys (sorry Patriots fans) both with Johnson and Ochocinco on the back. My 4 year old son’s nickname is Sojo, which he immediately turned into Sojo-Cinco. Needless to say, we are HUGE fans.

What was said was troubling, but not surprising.

Here is the thread:

It all started when a Twitter follower of Chad Ochocinco’s asked him about a pornography website.

Ochocinco responds:

@ochocinco A very interesting site, I get most of my creative ideas from there to keep HER guessing what’s next.

In response to this tweet, I tweeted:

@johnleyendecker: @ochocinco you claim to be Christian, yet look at porn? You are a joke. Be a man. Honor your God and women. Kids look up to you.

This is when Ochocinco responds directly to my tweet:

@ochocinco: I tend to back slide every now and then kind sir. RT@johnleyendecker: @ochocinco you claim to be Christian, yet look at porn?

@johnleyendecker: just hope that people realize you are backsliding, not glorifying it. Peace & grace to you!

@ochocinco: I love you to oh Holy One RT @johnleyendecker: just hope that people realize you are backsliding, not glorifying it. Peace & grace to you!

From this interaction, almost 300 people on Twitter replied to our conversation. Some defended him and some encouraged me…but they mostly defended him.

Twitter only allows 140 characters, so I wanted to tell Chad and others what I really meant:

First, I want to apologize because in my zeal I left out a key phrase that would have given better context. I meant to say “you claim to be a Christian, yet you are glorifying looking at pornography.” So for this, I ask your forgiveness.

But the rest, I have to admit, I meant. Men who look at pornography and have no remorse, regret, or even go so far as to make it seem creative as you did Chad are a joke. Not joke, funny, but as in a joke not to be taken seriously.

I appreciate your comment about backsliding. I know a lot about backsliding. I know a lot about my own brokenness being what Christ is using in me to heal others. I know very well St. Paul’s words, “I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.” (Romans 7:15) I have to admit Chad, I don’t take it lightly.

You see, I’ve been in ministry for 10 years and have seen the destruction that pornography causes in men’s and women’s lives. I have friends that work to liberate women and children from the sex slave industry that is built on the foundation of pornography. I will not quote to you the statistics or the studies, you can read them all on your own, but I want to share with you my heart and extend grace to you. Maybe you don’t know how destructive porn is? Maybe to justify your own addiction, you make light of it? Or worse, maybe you talk about it because you think it’s what your fans want to hear? I’m not sure, but I want to assume the best of you.

As men we are called to be responsible. A man who follows Christ takes responsibility. There is nothing funny or cool about pornography. Women have a tremendous dignity, a dignity that should be honored and guarded by men, not exploited and degraded. We are responsible for those men and women as leaders. Chad, you are a leader. Many young men and women look up to you as an example whether you like that or not. St. Paul says, “Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for edifying, as fits the occasion, that it may impart grace to those who hear.” (Ephesians 4:29)

I ask you, and remind myself of it as I ask it of you, to have the courage of your convictions. If you are trapped in bondage to pornography, ask for help. If you are embarrassed or feel guilty about some of things you have said, let’s repent and do better. Women deserve better, God deserves better, and as an adopted son of God, you deserve better too Chad. I wrote this because I care about you bro. I hope it can be an encouragement to you. If not, and you think I’m completely off-base, please resolve to pray for me. Please see that I wasn’t throwing stones at you or judging your heart, only God knows a man’s heart, but I can’t let a brother in Christ actions go unchecked, especially when it is hurting so many.

John converted to Catholicism in 1999 after a very prodigal lifestyle. It is from this place of brokenness that he shares what Christ has done in his life. He received his degree in classics and theology from Xavier University. Working with FOCUS at Colorado State for 4 1/2 years has made him passionate for the work of the New Evangelization. Currently John and his wife of 9 years, Lisa, live in Fort Collins, Colorado, with their five children. You can follow him on Twitter @johnleyendecker

Army Soldiers and Families vs. “Adult” Store

I recently heard about this story from Leavenworth, KS – not far from my college alma mater, Benedictine College in Atchison, KS. It’s great to know that Army soldiers are standing against this garbage when so often military men have a reputation for being some of the main consumers of pornography.  Here’s part of the story from the American Family Association:

“Another Kansas community has been surprised by the opening of a new pornography outlet. This time the ambush is at the front gate of historic Ft. Leavenworth KS. Army families and the community are shocked at what was to be a book store but turned out to be a sexually oriented business (SOB).

The soldiers of the community, be they in uniform or civilians, are not taking this ambush lightly.  They have launched “OPERATION GATE KEEPER”.  They recently begin their public protest in front of the porn shop. They are also gathering signatures to seat a grand jury to investigate possible violations of the Kansas obscenity law and the community standards of Leavenworth.  The law is actually categorized under “Crimes against the Public Morals” … PUBLIC MORALS, now there is a “throwback” phrase not often heard!!!

Their public protest, to raise awareness ALREADY PASSED. It is in front of Cirilla’s , which is directly across from the post front gate. You are welcome to make a sign and join these soldiers in their efforts.

Soldiers take an oath to defend the constitution from all enemies be they foreign or domestic.  It is their belief that the laws of the land and the moral fabric of all American communities are under assault by the sexualizing of the culture. Cyber porn is surely taking it toll but these brick and mortar porn shops are part of the issue and a place that the law still has an effect.”

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