But How? Helping Men Overcome

One of the questions I’m asked most often is “If a man is addicted to porn, what can he do to overcome it?”  I’d like to tell you that there’s an “easy button” that a man can push and be done with it, but it’s definitely not that simple.  It’s such a frequent question because so many men are addicted and literally don’t know what to do.  Many will tell me that “I’ve tried everything but nothing worked.”  Some will say “I didn’t know what to do so I didn’t do anything.”  All of them know that they want out of the chains that bind them, and all of them know that something has to happen, but so few know what really works.

I have a “5 Step Plan” that could be a good starting point for you.  It’s worked for many men, I believe it can work for you as well.  There are some areas of the plan that are nuanced, the most important of those areas is accountability.  [I hope to create a video about accountability soon to help explain it further.]  There are plenty of other plans, programs, ideas, formats, resources, and approaches that you can find and try.  For men who are extremely troubled by their addiction and who need a full-on attack, some would suggest Sexaholics Anonymous groups, counseling, and/or reparative brain therapy.   You are obviously welcome to try them – do whatever you need to experience freedom.

Regardless of what method you choose, one thing is for sure… every man needs accountability.  The reason accountability is so important is because it forces us to be honest about our life, and forces us to take responsibility for our actions.  An accountability partner is someone very close to you, with whom you can be honest and forthright.  Failing to be 100% open and honest will result in failed accountability.  If you can’t be honest, don’t even start… you’re wasting everyone’s time.  Don’t get me wrong, I know that it’s extremely hard to be honest and that vulnerable.  It’s not a sign of weakness to be vulnerable, it’s a sign of wisdom.

For some, knowing what other men have done, tried, and what has worked or not is a great benefit.  Other men will want to blaze their own trail.  Either way, a man needs to do something, anything.  Be sure, accountability is not something that is okay or acceptable in the cultural manliness lifestyle, so not many will understand and few will encourage it.  Don’t let them get in your way.

Following Step 3 of the 5 Step Plan, you’ll see that you need to “find a brother”, meet as frequently as you need, and be deliberate about your approach.  Watch for the video on accountability, along with a still-to-come TrueManhood guide to accountability.  Another frequent question or road block I hear is about finding this brother for accountability…. so few men actually have male friends, let alone a man they feel comfortable to invite into this sort of relationship.  For those who need it, I offer my services to work through the beginning stages of accountability and beyond.  Contact me for more information.  ContactUs@TrueManhood.com.

TrueMan up!

Four Days For Fathers – Day 1

I was asked a question today: “What’s a good gift to get a dad on Father’s Day?” Before I had a chance to answer, the small group ofpeople I was speaking with went around with ideas. One guy said “I always get my dad some joke gifts”, another said “My dad likes gadgets”. Another mentioned that their dad really likes to grill so grill accessories are a Father’s Day favorite for their family. One guy mentioned that he waits until his sister tells him how much money he owes her for his portion of the gift that year. Finally, I said “I don’t need anything, so my perfect gift would be a relaxing day with my family.”

I didn’t realize until after the conversation that there’s a huge problem with Father’s Day and it was made very clear to me when I started thinking about the question again. The same problem occurs with lots of other holidays. We all know what the problem is, but by our actions, we perpetuate the problem. What could possibly be the problem with Father’s Day? Materialism. We make this day of celebrating Dads about what we get them, not about them, or spending time with them, or actually investing in them. Fathers should have relationships with their children. Relationships can’t be successful if they’re only about what each person buys for the other. This all sounds so obvious, but I think in our fast paced world we fail to remember what the purpose of days like Father’s Day are all about.

If I could urge you to do one thing this Father’s Day… I suggest that you spend time thinking about how you can make your relationship with your father better. If you have a great relationship with your father already, think about how you can grow closer together by helping others. If your relationship with your father isn’t where you want it to be, then think about how you can grow closer. Maybe start by making a phone call, writing a letter (on paper) or stopping by.

If you’re a father, think about how you can make your relationship with your children better. You’re the father, so act like it.

Now, please understand that I don’t think that gift giving is sinful, or bad, or negative in-and-of-itself. It’s a nice thing, and we all enjoy receiving thoughtful gifts. I just think Father’s Day has to be about more than trinkets, gadgets, grill accessories or neck ties.

TrueMan up!

For Women – Is He Mr. Right?

I recently came across an online article titled “Is He Mr. Right?”  I was curious what the article said, doubting that any of it was substantive or even remotely helpful.  The information was, well, eh.  The article had five main points, and if your “Mr. Next” met all five, then voilà!  “You’ve found Mr. Right!”  What do you think?

The first point was “He Listens to You”.  Huh?, what’s that?  Oh, sorry.  Although listening is a vital component to just about every human relationship, I don’t know that it’s essential in choosing Mr. Right.  The first point continues on, saying “you’ll know he listens to you when he shows genuine concern, consistently remembers things you’ve told him and offers emotional support in honest and thoughtful way.”  Well… I don’t think that the actions mentioned here are listening, although listening played a role.  The action is ‘showing’, ‘remembering’ and ‘offering’.  Listening doesn’t make things happen… doing does.  With that said, God gave us each 2 ears and only 1 mouth, meaning that we should probably listen twice as much as we talk.

The second point is rather silly… “He Connects with You.”  If a guy isn’t connecting with you, why are you dating him?

The third point is good, although not developed enough for my tastes… “He Wants the Real You.”  The author writes about a woman not giving up any part of her identity for a man, which is fine and good.  I think that when either person does that, it only leads to falsehood, and eventually, the truth comes out and problems come up.  I believe one of the best ways for the guy to really want the ‘real’ you, is for him to know you before you date.  This begins the topic of dating with a purpose, although we don’t have time for that here.

The fourth point is even better than the third.  Here it is, verbatim: “A relationship without trust is doomed from the start. But a relationship with abundant trust? A fabulous foundation for real and lasting love! Built over time, trust is based on the simple belief system that your partner has your best interests at heart and will never intentionally hurt you (and vice versa). If and when you discover that Mr. Next is 100 percent trustworthy, you’ll have no trouble giving your heart to him. In return, he’ll most likely give you his heart and pave the way for a lasting, loving relationship to unfold.”  Here’s my qualm with this on… be overly careful with who you give your heart to.  Just because he’s trustworthy, doesn’t make him worthy of your heart.  Be careful, please.

The fifth point isn’t all the great, at least not for the ‘all-encompassing’ characteristic that a man must have, blah blah blah.  “He Enriches Your Life.”  Is that the best this author can do?  What about virtue here?  What about how he treats you?  What about how compatible your life goals, dreams and aspirations are?  Again, as with the second point, this seems a bit silly for me.

I think the author is missing the boat, unless, of course, the point of dating is solely to have fun.  If that’s the case, then what’s the point in even caring about Mr. Right?  Why not just care about Mr. Right-Now?  The point should be that dating with a purpose is the only way that a relationship will truly last and truly bring happiness to both people.  These relationships, however, must have Christ at their center if they want that happiness.  Ladies, please know that you are incredible.  God created you for greatness and you have nothing stopping you from that.  You deserve the best and should never compromise for a counterfeit version of the best.  So many women attempt to find value in the things that happen to them (compliments, stares, successes at work, awards, etc.) instead of finding true value in the fact that you are a daughter of God.  He is the only place for true fulfillment.

ASK AN EXPERT – BACK TO THE CATHOLIC FAITH

My latest Ask an Expert response on iibloom.com:

QUESTION: What can I do for my 20 yr old son to come back to the Catholic faith?

ANSWER: This question is on the mind of parents everywhere. There isn’t a cookie-cutter answer because your son (and everyone else’s adult child) is unique. Please realize that the answer to the question for you and your son could take years to figure out. And, you have to be able to come to grips with the fact that your son may never return to the faith. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but a reality. On a personal level, I relate closely to this topic because I put my parents, family and friends through the very same thing about 10 years ago when I was 19 years old. I’ll get to the reason why I came back to the faith, but first, let me give a few generic answers for you to consider and possibly act on. 

First off, you may not be the right person to talk to your adult child about their faith life – or lack thereof. On the other hand, you might be just the person. I recommend determining whether you think you are this person or not. Be objective, keeping in mind that, unfortunately, your adult child may not want to listen to you. Objectivity, not subjectivity, is key to making this distinction. As their parent, you want them to “get it,” but it’s not that simple. 

Secondly, there are lots of reasons why people leave the faith. However, I have never come across a person who knew that the Catholic Church was the fullness of the truth and willingly left. This isn’t to say that there’s someone out there like this, but it’s unlikely. The important thing to keep in mind here is that knowing and loving are two separate things. It is simply not enough for someone to have head-knowledge of the person of Jesus and never come into a loving relationship with Him. The loving relationship with Christ comes from a conversion, or turning away from our sinful ways, and turning towards God. Conversion may be the farthest thing in your son’s mind. You can’t make the conversion take place, but you can be like St. Augustine’s mother, St. Monica, who was relentless in her prayer, suffering, penance and example for her son. What she was successful at was knowing her role in the necessary conversion of her son, who was far worse than your son, and who became a doctor of the Church. 

Next, if his catechesis (knowledge of, understanding of and reasoning for the faith) is poor, there won’t be a compelling-enough reason to go to Mass. If his catechesis is poor, it means that Mass isn’t about receiving the Eucharist, the greatest gift God could have ever given to us, His people, but that Mass is an obligation that takes time and energy. Mass in the latter case becomes tedious and boring, something merely to check off a list and not something that is viewed as a privilege and an honor. This is the way that many “fallen away” Catholics view Mass. They were never taught the WHY, only the WHAT. The WHAT never suffices in and of itself. 

There is most likely a disconnect somewhere for him. It is quite possible that you did a lot of great things raising your son and for some personal reason, he is choosing to abandon his faith – the faith you want so badly for him to possess. It is also quite possible that he doesn’t have a foundational understanding of the WHY of our faith and therefore doesn’t believe that the faith is practical, and that emotionally it’s easier to live a godless life than to deal with all the outdated rules, for example. If we, as parents, don’t know, love and live our faith, why should we ever expect our children to? He may have gone to Catholic school all his life, or been in every CCD class your parish offered. That’s not enough because true conversion hasn’t taken place yet. 

We all need role models to emulate. There’s a man in your son’s life that is a faithful Catholic man, that “has it all,” that loves life, that cherishes his wife, that is a man’s man and that your son trusts. Depending on this man, either suggest to your son to go and speak with him, or invite the man to engage your son in conversation. I am willing to bet that in order for your son to go through the necessary steps for true conversion, that a real relationship is going to be an absolute must. This trustworthy man could be just the thing your son needs. It will take time. 

The reason I came back to the faith had nothing to do with my family, it had everything to do with joy. I was on my college campus, an anti-Catholic, Evangelical, sola-scriptura Christian. I fought with people about the faith, I pushed the faith aside and I hated Catholicism. Soon, my life turned to despair, hopelessness and was riddled with doubt. I looked around at all the people who I considered to be my friends and they all had something I wanted. They had joy, in the deepest sense of the word. Their joy caused me to rethink everything I had turned away from. I went on a long journey and through their example, returned to the vibrant faith that I now know and love. 

Keep the faith and pray that your son will have a conversion and come to understand and love the faith which we hold so dear. Blessings, Dave.

Ask an Expert – Relationship with God, No Church?

My latest Ask an Expert response on iibloom.com:

QUESTION: Can I have a relationship with God without going to Church?

ANSWER: I know this question is on the hearts and minds of lots of folks, so thanks for stepping out and asking it. The short answer is, yes, you can have a relationship with God without going to Church. After all, He created you! However, that relationship is going to be a bad one. Think about it this way… imagine that you’re married and that you and your spouse have completely opposite schedules. You never talk, you never see each other. You never go on dates, you don’t snuggle at night and you never eat a meal together. What kind of marriage are you going to have? Not a good one. I DON’T think this is what you’re getting at.

Imagine now that you never become intimate with your spouse, that you never share or participate in their sacrifice for you. Imagine that you have barriers between you and your spouse that eliminate the ability to fully understand each other. What kind of marriage is this? An even worse marriage than the other. This, I think, IS what you’re getting at!

“Can I have a relationship with God without going to church?” Being in relationship with God is about much more than simply going to church. Being in relationship with God is about being involved in His life. God the Father sent His only Son, Jesus, to take on human flesh. Once Jesus became man, He gave fully of Himself in a sacrificial way. This sacrifice is what we celebrate at Mass, and is the “source and summit” of our faith. This sacrifice is The Most Holy Sacrament of the Altar, the Eucharist! When we receive Jesus in the Eucharist, we are more intimately connected with Him than at any other time in our lives. There is no other single way to be more closely related to Him than this! He dwells in us, physically, after we receive Him. What a great honor and privilege!!! 

Previously, I stated that you could have a relationship with God without going to Church. I don’t actually believe that. In order to be in relationship, which means to be connected to someone else, you have to participate in their life. Jesus gave His all for His bride, the Church. His life was service to His spouse. If we’re going to be in relationship with Him, we have to participate in the life of the Church, the bride of Christ.

[If you read in the Gospel of John, Chapter 6, Christ institutes the Eucharist. These passages are vital for a Catholic understanding of what Christ did on the cross for us.]

Are You Fighting?

Men,

Are you fighting?  Are you ready for battle?  Have you been training?  When temptations come your way, are you ready for war?

If you haven’t read through the page (above) titled “Fighting Porn” I urge you to read it and put it into action.  If you’ve read it, re-read it.  Another day gone by without training and a battle mission is another day you will be held in slavery to the grave evils of pornography and masturbation.  These are mortal sins, meaning that they cut off the life of grace from the Father.  These grave evils will ruin your life, and every single relationship you have in the future.  Don’ wait, stand up and fight.

Don’t try to kid yourself.  Stop justifying your actions.  You can achieve freedom from pornography and masturbation – I am a walking testimony to this fact.  Never stop fighting, never let your guard down.  There is a way out, you must actively work towards it and allow God’s grace to fill your heart, your mind, your life.  You can do it!  Go, and do it!

If you need assistance with your plan, or how to figure out your plan, or how to start accountability with your brother(s), or any other assistance, please email me at proveritasspeakers@gmail.com.

Man up!

Pictures Speak Louder

So I’m on vacation with my wife… we’re here in Florida, enjoying the sun, the pools and the theme parks.  I don’t plan to post every day, but I saw something today that I had to address.  We were riding on our shuttle and a newlywed couple got on.  I knew they were newlyweds by their shirts.  The bride modeled a white tank with rhinestones spelling out “bride”.  The groom, however, sported a black t-shirt with a picture that spoke much louder than words ever could.

This message, “Game Over”, depicting a groom and bride, shows not only a distane for marriage, but a lack of respect for one another in the bond that just took place through the marriage vows.  I’ve got lots of problems with this shirt, but here are my two biggest beefs:

1. He, (if he’s even close to a man) asked her to marry him.  He asked her if she would spend the rest of her life with him.  Why do men (typically, in society) see marriage as “game over”?  Marriage is an incredible gift, an amazing relationship between best friends that work with God to be co-creators of life.  Why can’t this guy, and other men everywhere, see this? 

2. The bride, who just vowed her life to this man, is okay with him wearing this shirt.  She’s okay with him wearing it in public.  She’s okay with him proudly displaying his viewpoint of what his new and exciting relationship is all about.  Essentially, he’s saying “My past life of fun and freedom is over” and she’s saying “He’s right”.

What a shame.  I hope that somewhere, at least one man and one woman reads this post and changes their viewpoint on what a marriage can be.  I know the other side of this “Game Over” t-shirt.  I know the side of marriage that brings about life, with a woman that I love and share my entire life with.  I actually like being with her, spending time with her, sharing my life with her.  Best of luck to this young couple; I hope they make it past this sort of attitude and have a long and lasting relationship.

Man up!

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