Relationships Relationships
It’s been requested by a frequent reader (I’m fairly certain that she checks the site daily from her RSS subscription!) for some
relationship advice, encouragement and/or help. Since we have several friends either newly married or soon-to-be married, I thought it was a good time to introduce some ideas about relationships. [Thanks for the suggestion!]
No matter what stage of your life you’re in (single, dating, engaged, married), it’s important for us to all strive to be better. Make today better than yesterday and make tomorrow better than today. Personally, I tend to be very selfish (something I work on daily) and I often let my wife down in this area… an area in my life that keeps me from fully obtaining TrueManhood. However, I know that it’s a weakness and I work on it. I try to put her needs first, to think outside the normal day-to-day “to do list” box to go out of my way to show her how much I love her. When I don’t do that, I fail in my role as her husband. When I fail as a husband, I fail to fulfill TrueManhood. If today I make some mistakes, I’ll work very very hard to not make those mistakes again tomorrow.
Our marriage is strong (one of the strongest I’ve ever come across) because we both strive to be better each and every day. We have our off days, sure. We also have incredibly strong days. What’s great about my wife and me (and I can brag because 1. it’s true and 2. it’s my website!) is that we both desire to continue to grow. We’re never okay where we are. Striving for excellence and perfection in the Lord is our daily goal. (In a spousal way, at work, with our kids, as siblings and in public. Everywhere.) No matter what stage of your life you’re in, strive to be better each and every day.
When we dated, the relationship worked well for us because we were both very grounded in the fact that we wanted to be married with children. We had both had numerous relationships that all went asunder and we weren’t investing in a long term relationship to “just have fun”. We were dating with a purpose. The purpose for us was marriage. If you’re in a dating relationship, I highly encourage you to date with a purpose. You’ve probably heard it before, but I can’t stress enough the importance of having that purpose in dating. It orients your entire being, your will, your mind toward the vocation that you’ve been called to by God. Protect yourself by being in a relationship only with a person you can foresee marrying. If you can’t see them being the parent of your children, and you can’t see yourself growing old with them, or they really really annoy you in a million different ways, then get out! Call it off. Dating isn’t about settling on the person you’ve been dating the longest, it’s about finding the right person for you. If you listen hard enough, God will reveal the person He created just for you. Once you find that person, you’ll know. It’s an incredible thing.
Recently, my wife spoke at a college women’s event. There was a “man panel” where the women could ask the men questions and get frank answers in return. Although the guys tried (sorry guys, you missed the boat here), Catherine told me that they just didn’t get it. When asked, “Tell us about your ideal date”, not a single man on the panel said anything about the girl. They never mentioned doing anything that she liked, or finding out her favorite restaurant, or trying to make the date special for the girl. I tell this little story to illustrate an important point in dating… do what the other wants to do! Be sacrificial. Bite the bullet. Put the other’s needs and wants before your own. Think outside yourself, it will bring great joy to both of your lives.
If you’re engaged, all I can say is, BUMP THE DATE UP AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!! Engagement was literally an earthly-purgatory for me. I hated it. The worst part of engagement is that you’ve made the commitment (minus the vows and Sacrament) and you want to be with this person all the time. The saying goodnight and driving home at 2:00am. The waiting. The wedding planning. Yuck. I am so glad I’ll never go through that again. If you’re in this stage, embrace it and go with the flow. It’ll be over at some point.
I have a theory (for all stages of relationships)… it’s about arguments/fights/disagreements. I am 100% convinced that in order for an argument, fight or disagreement to take place, one or both parties is acting or speaking out of selfishness. Don’t be selfish! Selfishness kills relationships. Don’t do it! (If you can think of an example where an actual argument, fight or disagreement has taken place where at least one of the people involved wasn’t selfish, I’d like to know about it. Email me at Dave@TrueManhood.com.)
As I’ve written about before, Catherine and I have a saying we use in our marriage. It’s like our motto. It’s simple, really. 
“Always Make the Choice to Love.” If you want to read more about this, check out an article I wrote for www.iibloom.com by clicking this link.
Man up!
A Fireside "Discussion"
Last night I was up in the mountains with a great group of young Catholics. We had a great little (easy) hike into a waterfall, played some horseshoes (in the dark) and had a nice meal cooked by our priest. Somehow [I’m still not certain how exactly] we began discussing the topic of women as altar servers. I have some pretty firm beliefs on the subject, and stemming from those beliefs, we began to discuss the current state of the Church – all from an opinion/experience standpoint.
I firmly believe that the modern, American Catholic Church is, as I’ve put it before, “by women, for women”. Yes, the “leaders” are Bishops, Priests and Deacons, but my point is that the lay-portion of the Church is the “for women” part. This caught some of the young women off guard and immediately put them on the defensive. This was NOT my intention. I intended to explain that the problem is not what the women are doing, or their involvement or their faithfulness or anything of the sort… I intended to explain that in order to fix the problem, men must step up and fulfill the call from God to be protectors, defenders, leaders and TrueMen!
Allow me to explain the statement “by women, for women”. If you look at a typical Catholic parish in America, 80%+ participation and involvement is middle-aged and older women, as well as children. The liturgies are filled with female volunteers, the events are orchestrated and attended by females and the typical style of worship is geared toward female spirituality – rightly so, since 80%+ in attendance are female. The problem with this is multi-faceted: First (and FOREMOST) MEN ARE NOT PRESENT. Men are slacking on their responsibilities and are failing to fulfill their calling as men. Secondly, when men fail to fulfill their role, women tend to step in and attempt to fulfill the men’s role for them. This doesn’t work because the male role(s) are meant to be fulfilled by men, and women simply can’t fulfill (rightly) a man’s role. In the same way, a man cannot successfully fulfill a woman’s role. If this occurs, the relationships and the fulfillment of the responsibilities are skewed, or disordered.
Another part to the problem is the idea of, an oxymoron, “The Fatherless Family”. If men are non-existent in the Church, the Church (which is similar to a family unit) will suffer greatly. This, in my opinion, is the current state of affairs. The solution to these problems is men stepping up, leading and fulfilling their responsibilities. As God commanded Adam in the garden, modern men must “shamar” the garden – they must protect, defend and cultivate their world. My hope is that men begin to learn what it means to live a truly manly lifestyle, within the context of the Life of Faith, as fathers, husbands, sons and friends and that the Church can return to a well-ordered way of operating. More to come on this.
Disclaimer: This is a generalization. There are many men, in many parishes, in many dioceses, that are fulfilling their responsibilities and are living well-ordered lives. There, the Church is strong. There, the Church is thriving.
Man up!
Are You Fighting?
Men,
Are you fighting? Are you ready for battle? Have you been training? When temptations come your way, are you ready for war?
If you haven’t read through the page (above) titled “Fighting Porn” I urge you to read it and put it into action. If you’ve read it, re-read it. Another day gone by without training and a battle mission is another day you will be held in slavery to the grave evils of pornography and masturbation. These are mortal sins, meaning that they cut off the life of grace from the Father. These grave evils will ruin your life, and every single relationship you have in the future. Don’ wait, stand up and fight.
Don’t try to kid yourself. Stop justifying your actions. You can achieve freedom from pornography and masturbation – I am a walking testimony to this fact. Never stop fighting, never let your guard down. There is a way out, you must actively work towards it and allow God’s grace to fill your heart, your mind, your life. You can do it! Go, and do it!
If you need assistance with your plan, or how to figure out your plan, or how to start accountability with your brother(s), or any other assistance, please email me at proveritasspeakers@gmail.com.
Man up!
Pictures Speak Louder
So I’m on vacation with my wife… we’re here in Florida, enjoying the sun, the pools and the theme parks. I don’t plan to post every day, but I saw something today that I had to address. We were riding on our shuttle and a newlywed couple got on. I knew they were newlyweds by their shirts. The bride modeled a white tank with rhinestones spelling out “bride”. The groom, however, sported a black t-shirt with a picture that spoke much louder than words ever could.
This message, “Game Over”, depicting a groom and bride, shows not only a distane for marriage, but a lack of respect for one another in the bond that just took place through the marriage vows. I’ve got lots of problems with this shirt, but here are my two biggest beefs:
1. He, (if he’s even close to a man) asked her to marry him. He asked her if she would spend the rest of her life with him. Why do men (typically, in society) see marriage as “game over”? Marriage is an incredible gift, an amazing relationship between best friends that work with God to be co-creators of life. Why can’t this guy, and other men everywhere, see this?
2. The bride, who just vowed her life to this man, is okay with him wearing this shirt. She’s okay with him wearing it in public. She’s okay with him proudly displaying his viewpoint of what his new and exciting relationship is all about. Essentially, he’s saying “My past life of fun and freedom is over” and she’s saying “He’s right”.
What a shame. I hope that somewhere, at least one man and one woman reads this post and changes their viewpoint on what a marriage can be. I know the other side of this “Game Over” t-shirt. I know the side of marriage that brings about life, with a woman that I love and share my entire life with. I actually like being with her, spending time with her, sharing my life with her. Best of luck to this young couple; I hope they make it past this sort of attitude and have a long and lasting relationship.
Man up!
A Dating Tip, or Two
The other day, I posted the “Superman Dates” video clip. I got a little bit of feedback on it, and felt like it was important to talk about some other aspects of dating, for both ladies and guys.
Ladies: what I am about to say is always true, in every situation, no matter what. YOU DESERVE NOTHING BUT THE BEST. You do. You deserve a man who respects you, who serves you, who cherishes you, who believes and demonstrates that there is no one more important or special for him and you deserve a man who puts his full energy and attention into your relationship. If he doesn’t, then he’s not good enough for you. Plain and simple. If he doesn’t care enough to do the little things in a dating relationship, why would anyone ever expect him to start caring when you are married? Or when times get tough? Or when you have kids? The little things he does/doesn’t do while dating are foreshadowing his future behavior.
It’s also vitally important that you set you standards high, from the beginning. If you wait until you’re in a relationship to create a list of “must haves” it will be incredibly difficult to see beyond the emotion, history and investment of your current relationship. Once you create your list, don’t stray from it. (Add to it, but don’t stray from it.) If you grow, mature and change as a person, your list can change with you, as long as it’s what best for you and your future.
If all the women in the world increased their standards (and wouldn’t compromise on them) it would force men to change their behavior. Now, I’m not saying that it’s the fault of females that men can be bad in relationships or in society or that they don’t know what it means to be a TrueMan. What I’m saying is that if women were to have a standard and keep it, that men would have to check their crass, immature, childish, destructive behavior at the door and make positive choices to raise themselves up to be worthy of dating a woman. Ladies, you hold the power to make your future bright by choosing a man that deserves you because you know that you deserve the very best.
Guys: I’ll most likely get into our part of the dating world in upcoming posts, but for now, read through the ladies’ section and check yourself. If a woman had a list, would your actions, choices and behavior warrant you being selected as “sufficient”? If not, think about things you can do to change so that when “the one” comes along, you’re ready to treat her like your queen.
Man up!
The Most Important Relationship of Their Lives
February 24, 2009 by admin
Filed under Fatherhood
I have the privilege of staying home with my daughters on Tuesdays. Technically, it’s my day off every week. I cherish Tuesdays with them and know that I am blessed to be able to have such dedicated and devoted time taking care of them. I cherish this time because I know, without a doubt, that there will never be a more important relationship in either of my daughter’s lives than their relationship with me. I don’t say this out of pride or out of attention-seeking. I say this because it is the truth.
Think about it… where does a young girl learn about love? Where does a young girl learn how to be treated? Where does a young girl develop her idea of what her future will hold? Where does a young girl learn self-respect and self-esteem? From her father. [This is NOT to underscore the relationships a young girl has with anyone else, especially her mother. It is to show that a father has a vital role in the future of his daughters. In my estimation, the most vital role.] Her father must demonstrate love; love of his spouse, love of his children, love of his God. What happens if a father doesn’t fulfill this role or if he fails to fulfill it in the correct way? Simple, the child’s understanding of how a man should act and treat others is skewed. This skewed understanding can lead to multiple problems, namely disordered relationships.
Fathers, love your wives. Set the example for your daughters of how they should expect a man to treat them. Teach them to set the bar high and to never settle for less than the best. If they see you being disrespectful, unloving and/or hurtful towards their mother, they are going to grow up thinking that similar behavior is normal and okay. It’s not. They will learn not only what love is, but more importantly, how to love and how to receive love from your example. It is a big responsibility, but that’s what you signed up for when you had sex with your wife.
Man up!
Fight Rules
It’s a difficult thing, in a relationship, to not be selfish. It’s hard to think about the other person first, every time, without fail. It’s hard to put your personal desires, wishes and needs on the back burner so you can aid in the other person receiving theirs. [I am much less than perfect at these things.] Because of this, fights/disagreements/arguments (however you want to phrase it) happen. There are some important rules that a man should live by when he experiences a fight in his relationship.
- Remain Calm, even if she doesn’t
- Listen twice as much as your speak, even if she doesn’t
- Never interrupt, even if she does
- Leave your pride out of it, even if she doesn’t
- Tell her that you hear what she’s saying (and actually listen!)
- Validate her point of view, even if she doesn’t validate yours
- Never cuss
- Never EVER get physical!
- Never scream/yell/raise your voice, even if she does
- Never fight in front of the kids
And most importantly… Always make the choice to love. (BTW, love is a verb.)
