Weddings Are About The Marriage

A few weeks ago, a colleague and great friend began his marriage.  The Nuptial Mass was beautiful and the party was lots of fun.  This weekend, some other longtime (and very special) friends are celebrating the start of their marriage.  We (my wife and I) couldn’t be more happy for these couples.  We know how incredible marriage can be and pray for only the best for these and all couples as they start into their vocation of marriage.

Often times, the wedding events can get the better of a couple and the point and purpose is lost in the colors, the flowers, the cake and the music – among a slew of about a million other ‘details’.  We experienced this in our wedding preparations, to some extent, and know that it is a temptation for most couples.  To keep it all in perspective… the wedding is all about the marriage.  The marriage is all about sanctification!  To be one with your helpmate and to help her get to Heaven.  To be blessed (if it be God’s will) with children and to help them get to Heaven.

A topic that I am convicted by is, as many of you have read before, my saying “Make the Choice to Love.”  It is so necessary and, in my estimation, the only way to give yourself fully to your spouse – by making the loving choice 100% of the time.  Below is a previous article that I wrote for iibloom.com called “The Choice to Love.”  I hope you like it and I hope it is helpful.

“Early in our marriage, my wife would ask me, in a somewhat sarcastic tone, “Are you making the choice to love right now?” It would stop me dead in my tracks to realize that I wasn’t. I like to think of myself as having a strong head on my shoulders and an ability to admit when I’m wrong. When my wife would ask that question, I knew that, in fact, I wasn’t making the choice to love and that I was dead wrong. I was not giving my wife the love and respect that she deserved. I took the unity that we had promised to one another in our wedding vows and I shattered it, so that I could be right. My need to be right was why I would argue. I would argue because I was stubborn. I was stubborn because I was self-centered. Notice that each of these scenarios containschoice and action. Instead of needing to be right, I should compromise and come to a common-ground understanding. Instead of arguing, I should suck up my pride and admit to my portion of the wrong doings and never, under any circumstances, should I place blame. (Placing blame activates defense mechanisms. Once defense mechanisms have been activated, good luck coming to the before mentioned common-ground understanding.) Instead of being stubborn, I should be humble. Instead of being self-centered, I should be marriage centered. I should make the choice to love.

If I always make the choice to love, I am making the decision that will best allow my marriage to grow and succeed. Love is a verb and requires action. The choice to love removes selfishness, pride and arrogance. Making the choice to love means and assures me that:

1. I am making the best decision for my marriage.
2. I am making the best decision for my spouse.
3. I am making the best decision for my family.
4. I am making the best decision for my family’s future.
5. I am making the best decision for myself. (By putting myself on this list, I am not forgetting that I am an integral part of the success or failure of my marriage.)

(The best decision, in this context, means making the decision that I know to be the best, at the time, with the knowledge and understanding that I have. The best decision is made with clear conscience and free from clouded judgment.)

The most important aspect of making the choice to love is a commitment from both spouses. Making the choice to love does not work when only one of the spouses participates. If you are in a relationship where your spouse does not respond to being asked to make the choice to love, I suggest that you have a serious conversation with them about their actions and how it might negatively affect your marriage relationship. (This is not gender specific, both the husband and the wife must make every effort to make the choice to love.) Insist on this, your marriage is counting on you. This principle will not work if both parties are not fully committed. We made a commitment to each other that whenever one of us mentions “make the choice to love,” we promise to immediately stop our behavior and make the conscious decision to love. We promised one another. It requires devotion and perseverance. We put aside our bad habits, pride and selfish tendencies and choose to love the other fully and without reservation.

The saying, “Make the Choice to Love,” holds a great amount of depth. It radically transformed our marriage. I want everyone to love marriage, either their own or simply the thought of marriage. It is possible for everyone to have an amazing, loving and wonderful life-giving marriage. “Make the Choice to Love.”

Porn Proves Deadly

As if our human reason wasn’t enough to tell us that pornography has deadly effects, here’s a story that surely will.

Picture this… An Ohio truck driver was barreling down the highway in upstate New York.  The driver, at this point sleep-deprived, is distracted.  “What is distracting him?” you ask.  The answer: Porn, being streamed on his laptop.  The driver’s rig hit a disabled car on a New York State highway.  The truck driver, a one Thomas Wallace, has been sentenced to three-to-nine years in prison for killing the driver, Julie Stratton, a 33-year-old mother of two.  Stratton’s vehicle was disabled because she had hit a deer and was waiting for assistance in the passing lane shoulder.

Wallace pleaded guilty in May to second-degree manslaughter. Authorities say he’d slept no more than four of the 27 hours before the Dec. 12, 2010 crash that killed Stratton.  The trucker tearfully apologized to the victim’s family at Wednesday’s sentencing.  Sorry bro, your apology isn’t enough.  Your apology doesn’t bring back a woman, a wife, a mother.

I was tempted to include a picture I came across that had “Fatal Accident” spelled out on top, with a graphic of an ambulance, the road and broken glass.  However, I didn’t.  This was no accident.  An accident is when a bird poops on our head, or when we bump into someone walking around a corner.  Wallace should have taken responsibility for his (extremely selfish) actions and disregard for humanity.  “You can stuff your sorrys in a sack, mister.”

Let’s get one thing straight here – pornography kills.  Sometimes figuratively, sometimes literally.  Most of the men, women and children that view pornography every day won’t end up being in a situation like Wallace, unfortunately, some might.  However, THEY ARE ALL in danger of killing their souls, their relationships, their ability to love, their ability to give, their ability to reason properly.  Pornography kills.

Aristotle once said:  “the angry man listens to reason, though not perfectly, but the lustful man does not listen to reason at all.”

TrueMan up!

Tuesdays with Daddy – Selfishness Impedes Service

My daughter has been sick for several days.  Because she is a toddler, it is difficult to really pinpoint what’s happening with her, what hurts and how to make her better.  I’ve been at a loss for exactly what to do, and although we’re trying, she doesn’t seem to be getting better.  At least not as fast I my wife and I would hope.  As I’ve been observing her and contemplating solutions to this problem, I realized something today… selfishness impedes service.  What do I mean?

When you’re in charge of someone else, and their entire well-being stems from your actions, it’s plain to see that they not only rely on you to make good decisions, but to be at their service.  This isn’t to say that I wait hand-and-foot on my children, but it means that my daughters, especially when ill, need me to be selfless in regards to them.  And, I want to be a servant-leader for my family and for the world, which requires me to continually learn how to better serve them.  I look at my life and realize (quite often) how selfish I can be.  I like what I like, the way I like it, when I like it, how I like it.  This gets in the way of my ability to truly serve my family.

Where did my selfish tendencies come from?  Besides my fallen human nature, my tendency toward selfishness stems from my past pornography use.  It made everything I do, even serving my sickly little girl, about me.  Because of this revelation, I realized that the only way to do that is to look to the cross.  I must unite my failures in life to the struggle Christ experienced on the cross so that I am purified of my tendency toward comfort, self-pleasure and ease.  My little girl needs me to be one hundred percent committed to taking care of her and if I don’t watch it, I’ll put myself before her, falling into old patterns and losing sight of the cross.  If this happens, my selfishness has won and drastically impedes my ability to serve.

I urge everyone to take a step back, especially during Holy Week, to evaluate the areas in your life (vicious behavior) that require change.  Figure out how to change those things and continue to work on them until you possess the virtue that overcomes that vice.

Man up!

I Must Do These Things!

I’ve been dropping the ball in an area of my life… consistently and repeatedly.  I’ve been neglecting the one thing that should be my number one priority.  I recently wrote an article all about priorities, yet I wasn’t really heeding my own advice.  I didn’t realize what I was doing, or how my actions and lack of thoughtfulness were really affecting the situation.  What it all really comes down to is that I’m selfish.  I acknowledge this shortcoming and desire to work on it.  I know that if  I don’t work on being selfless, as opposed to selfish, I will ruin the things that are most important to me.  Words, as in most situations, mean nothing when unsubstantiated by actions.  My actions have been speaking volumes, and I am not proud of what they have been saying.

I’m speaking about my wife.  She should be my top priority, but I take her for granted.  She should be my motivation, but I only give her whatever time is left over.  She should be who I concentrate on when I’m making plans, but instead I think only of myself.  I could continue on with a hundred more examples of what I should be doing, but that would just be talking.  I must show my wife, consistently and repeatedly, that what I profess with my mouth is also, and most importantly, what I DO.  My wife deserves better and I intend to make amends, right the ship and continue on.  It’s never easy to admit that I am struggling with something, and quite difficult not to become defensive about what I’ve done… but I’m striving for TrueManhood and I MUST do these things!  I must continue on, but I must strive to be like Christ.  I’m far from Him and unworthy of being followed sometimes, yet there’s one person who I can’t lead astray, and that’s my wife.

I write all of this to show that we’re all on a journey and that each of us must continually strive to grow in TrueManhood and ultimately, in holiness.  Never give up.  Continue to strive for perfection, as our Heavenly Father is perfect.

Man up!

“The Physical Part is the Hardest for Us” – Get Rid of the Porn

I recently received an email from a loyal reader of the website. Inside the email contained a story that I have heard many times. The story of a young man, striving for holiness, in a relationship with a wonderful young woman, also striving for holiness. Yet, undoubtedly, this couple has “weakness of the flesh”. Just yesterday I received an email from another young gentleman, a first-time reader of the site, who told me similar information. How does a couple prevent this sort of temptation? How does a couple who has already experienced physical intimacy with one another bounce back and live chastity? How does a couple know when they’ve crossed the line?

Let’s be honest… it’s normal to be physically attracted to someone you are in a romantic relationship with!  Duh! It’s usually a tell-tale sign that the relationship isn’t going anywhere when you aren’t.  That’s not usually the problem.  Typically, the problem is that one or both of the persons in the relationship have had physical relationships before.  One may think that the other expects certain things, or they may think that in order to keep them, they need to “do things”.  They may also think that “it’s normal” or that “it’s what people in love do”.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the majority of relationships that are prematurely physically intimate, one or both of the individuals in the relationship either have a problem with pornography, are infatuated with the media or feel some sort of pressure to perform.  I believe that without these major stumbling blocks in the way, a couple is more apt to lead healthy, chaste relationships.

Why do these stumbling blocks matter?  If someone is involved with pornography, their entire perception of truth, as related to sexuality, is skewed.  They are unable to see the beauty which God created and intended sex to be.  If someone is infatuated with the media, they often put themselves in the place of their favorite star, character or role.  This becomes fantasy and is problematic when reality sets in.  Either way, neither individual is in a place where they are even supposed to be giving themselves as a free-gift to their significant other simply because they aren’t married yet!  Living a life of selfish, hedonistic motivations leads only to more selfishness.  Selfishness kills relationships.

You may be wondering why I’m bringing this up.  I know, from my countless discussions with hundreds and hundreds of men from all over the country, most of whom have/had addictions to pornography, that most of us would not have issues with physical intimacy (prior to or in marriage) if it weren’t for our weakness and failures associated with our addiction.  I urge you to get rid of the porn!  It is secretly destroying your life.  You may not be able to see it, but I speak from personal experience… it’s creeping in where ever it can and it will pounce at the right time.  If you want to have a healthy, long-lasting relationship, with the woman of your dreams (I have this!!!) work on your personal chastity starting RIGHT NOW!  Work on being self-giving, instead of self-serving.  Selfishness is a horrible trait, so get rid of it.

Coming up soon, keeping our eyes on Christ on the Cross.

Man up!

Just Because He Can

I took my wife out for dessert on Mother’s Day.  While talking with her, I noticed (through a window) a male shuffling around his Hummer H2.  He entered the vehicle and proceeded to pull forward.  Sounds pretty normal, right?  Well, in front of his vehicle was not open pavemen, but a grassy curbed area of the parking lot, for which he had complete disregard.  I noticed him doing this, quickly told Catherine to turn around and look and was genuinely frustrated at what I just witnessed.  She said, “There’s tomorrow’s post.”

I wanted to write about how this wanna-be alpha male acted this way just because he can.  He knows that he most likely won’t be confronted.  He knows that his truck is going to have no problem driving over a wimpy 8 inch sloped curb.  In my head, I’m thinking to myself that this guy, if confronted about his actions, would say something like “But I drive a H2, and I can drive over anything I want to.”  He probably thinks that “because he can”, he should.

First off, he’s selfish.  He doesn’t think about anyone but himself.  Secondly, he has total disregard and zero respect for others and their property.  He didn’t care that the curb may have cracked, or that the grass might have been destroyed or any other possibility (regardless of how far-reaching they might be).  He was selfish, thinking only about himself and his H2.  Thirdly, he wasn’t interested in the example he was setting.  He very well might have had children in the vehicle with him and because of his selfishness, the children now believe that it’s acceptable to act this way.  Fourthly, he probably never contemplates the consequences of his actions, but believes that if he wants to do something, he should.  What’s the problem with a guy like this, besides his lack of respect for others?  He wants people to spoon feed him things, to come behind him and clean up after him and he expects that he’ll never be responsible for anything, because he’s a “dude”. 

I understand the desire to drive over stuff in a 4×4, I do it regularly… but not private property.  I thoroughly enjoy off-roading in my Avalanche… but I do it respectfully.  That’s not the point.  My point is that being selfish is not manly.  My point is that total disregard for others and their property is not manly.  My point is that being a societal leach is detrimental to others.  Be a TrueMan, respect others, be accountable to yourself for what you do, and know that others are watching you.

Man up!