Relationships Relationships

It’s been requested by a frequent reader (I’m fairly certain that she checks the site daily from her RSS subscription!) for some relationship advice, encouragement and/or help.  Since we have several friends either newly married or soon-to-be married, I thought it was a good time to introduce some ideas about relationships.  [Thanks for the suggestion!]

No matter what stage of your life you’re in (single, dating, engaged, married), it’s important for us to all strive to be better.  Make today better than yesterday and make tomorrow better than today.  Personally, I tend to be very selfish (something I work on daily) and I often let my wife down in this area… an area in my life that keeps me from fully obtaining TrueManhood.  However, I know that it’s a weakness and I work on it.  I try to put her needs first, to think outside the normal day-to-day “to do list” box to go out of my way to show her how much I love her.  When I don’t do that, I fail in my role as her husband.  When I fail as a husband, I fail to fulfill TrueManhood.  If today I make some mistakes, I’ll work very very hard to not make those mistakes again tomorrow.

Our marriage is strong (one of the strongest I’ve ever come across) because we both strive to be better each and every day.  We have our off days, sure.  We also have incredibly strong days.  What’s great about my wife and me (and I can brag because 1. it’s true and 2. it’s my website!) is that we both desire to continue to grow.  We’re never okay where we are.  Striving for excellence and perfection in the Lord is our daily goal.  (In a spousal way, at work, with our kids, as siblings and in public.  Everywhere.)  No matter what stage of your life you’re in, strive to be better each and every day.

When we dated, the relationship worked well for us because we were both very grounded in the fact that we wanted to be married with children.  We had both had numerous relationships that all went asunder and we weren’t investing in a long term relationship to “just have fun”.  We were dating with a purpose.  The purpose for us was marriage.  If you’re in a dating relationship, I highly encourage you to date with a purpose.  You’ve probably heard it before, but I can’t stress enough the importance of having that purpose in dating.  It orients your entire being, your will, your mind toward the vocation that you’ve been called to by God.  Protect yourself by being in a relationship only with a person you can foresee marrying.  If you can’t see them being the parent of your children, and you can’t see yourself growing old with them, or they really really annoy you in a million different ways, then get out!  Call it off.  Dating isn’t about settling on the person you’ve been dating the longest, it’s about finding the right person for you.  If you listen hard enough, God will reveal the person He created just for you.  Once you find that person, you’ll know.  It’s an incredible thing.

Recently, my wife spoke at a college women’s event.  There was a “man panel” where the women could ask the men questions and get frank answers in return.  Although the guys tried (sorry guys, you missed the boat here), Catherine told me that they just didn’t get it.  When asked, “Tell us about your ideal date”, not a single man on the panel said anything about the girl.  They never mentioned doing anything that she liked, or finding out her favorite restaurant, or trying to make the date special for the girl.  I tell this little story to illustrate an important point in dating… do what the other wants to do!  Be sacrificial.  Bite the bullet.  Put the other’s needs and wants before your own.  Think outside yourself, it will bring great joy to both of your lives.

If you’re engaged, all I can say is, BUMP THE DATE UP AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!!  Engagement was literally an earthly-purgatory for me.  I hated it.  The worst part of engagement is that you’ve made the commitment (minus the vows and Sacrament) and you want to be with this person all the time.  The saying goodnight and driving home at 2:00am.  The waiting.  The wedding planning.  Yuck.  I am so glad I’ll never go through that again.  If you’re in this stage, embrace it and go with the flow.  It’ll be over at some point.

I have a theory (for all stages of relationships)… it’s about arguments/fights/disagreements.  I am 100% convinced that in order for an argument, fight or disagreement to take place, one or both parties is acting or speaking out of selfishness.  Don’t be selfish!  Selfishness kills relationships.  Don’t do it!  (If you can think of an example where an actual argument, fight or disagreement has taken place where at least one of the people involved wasn’t selfish, I’d like to know about it.  Email me at Dave@TrueManhood.com.)

As I’ve written about before, Catherine and I have a saying we use in our marriage.  It’s like our motto.  It’s simple, really. “Always Make the Choice to Love.”  If you want to read more about this, check out an article I wrote for www.iibloom.com by clicking this link.

Man up!

How Does a Single Man Live Love?

I didn’t really speak to this in my previous post… how a single man lives love.  I spoke about how a married man can live love and how he can show his wife love, but nothing specifically for a single man.  Let’s dive in.

[Let’s say that our single guy isn’t in a dating relationship, courtship or engagement.]  He still follows the principles laid out in the Catechism (CCC 1822) about what charity is and he realizes that all he does should be out of love for God and love for neighbor.  I think it’s easiest to understand this idea (of living love) if a single man lives life as a servant, with the intention of bringing glory to God.  Essentially, a single man lives love the same way a married man does, he simply directs his love towards others differently; a married man has a wife and maybe children that he loves above all other humans – if you’re not a husband or a father you’ll understand what I mean if you become one.

Often times, the word love is distorted to mean something (only) having to do with romance and/or intimacy.  Not true.  Obviously, marital love tends towards romance/intimacy, but marital love should stem from the same foundation that God’s love (specifically, Christ’s love for us on the cross) does.  This foundation is life-giving, selfless and sacrificial.  It might be easier to get the distinction if we use the word charity in place of love.  As we think about what a charity does (helps people, lends a tender hand, comforts, protects, continually thinks about the welfare of others, etc.) it might make it easier for us to understand what living charity means.

A verse to think about:

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says: “Charity is patient and kind.  It is not jealous, it does not boast.  It is not arrogant or rude.  Charity does not insist on its own way.  It is not irritable or resentful.  It does not rejoice in wrong, but rejoices in right.  Charity bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

If you’re a single man, are you always patient?  In traffic, at work, in line at the grocery store?  Are you arrogant or rude?  Do you think more of yourself than others based off petty worldview mentalities?  Are you irritable?  Easily frustrated, constant mood swings or uncontrollable rage?  Do you rejoice in others failures or struggles?  Think about your life in connection with this verse.

Man up!