Various Kinds of Dads

I was just washing the dishes (yes, I do dishes) and was thinking about my parenting style, what kind of Dad I am, and it brought to mind a bunch of different kinds of fathering-traits.

Some thoughts on the kinds of dads that I’ve either exemplified, or other kinds of dads I’ve come across.

• SPORTS-CRAZY DAD – The dad that just can’t be easy going at the games, and when
  games aren’t going on, they’re living vicariously through their kid as if it was the pros.
• The “I DON’T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO MY KIDS SO I DON’T TALK TO THEM AT ALL DAD” – Dads who are either not educated enough on various topics, or who lack communication skills, or who just won’t take the time to learn about their kids so they fail to talk to them at all, about anything.
• The “I DON’T UNDERSTAND GIRL-STUFF SO MY DAUGHTERS AND I ARE COMPLETELY DISCONNECTED DAD” –  Similar to the above, but specific to daughters and “female issues” – of all kinds.  And there’s lots.
• SCREAMER-DAD – Everything gets this dad going, in a bad direction, and he just screams about it.  Less than effective, if you ask me.  Think: “Don’t make me stop this vehicle!”  or “Do it, or else.”
• INTIMIDATION-DAD (“IntimiDad”) – IntimiDad uses his size, stature, and position of authority to try to force his children to do things.  I typically see this with toddlers.  It doesn’t work.  Again, think: “Do it, or else.”
• OVER-COMMITTED DAD (works too much or is involved in too much) – I’ve written many times before about what kids really want and need from us.  They want us, our time, and that’s how they see and experience our love.  “Kids spell love T-I-M-E.
• TEACHER-DAD – This dad is patient and discusses various things with his children so that they learn from him.  Even when he doesn’t think his kids are listening, he teaches, simply to plant a seed and begin the discussion.  I think I’m this kind of dad most of the time.
• SWEET-DAD – This dad is emotionally sensitive, and takes the opportunity, especially with his daughters, to be sweet.  This isn’t overly sentimental, this is the right amount of sentimentality because let’s face it, sometimes our kids just need it.  Our daughters need sensitivity, and at the right time in the right amount, so do our sons.
• GIFT-GIVING DAD – Don’t buy your kids love, ok sir?  Don’t make it “okay” that you’re not in their lives simply because you buy them stuff.  Now, if your gifts are thoughtful, and you bought it for them because you know them and know they’d really like the thing, and really appreciate it, and that they’ll know you know them, then good on ya.
• APATHETIC-DAD – I see this all too often, unfortunately.  This attitude can extend directly to the children because he just doesn’t care about them (either because he’s too ego-centric, self-centered, or just that insensitive) or because he’s flat out lazy.  “Mom’s got it.”  “Mom’ll talk to ‘em.”  “Honey, you’ve got this one, right?”  Stop it.
• PROUD-OF-MY-KID-NO-MATTER-WHAT-DAD – Thank you for not putting up pretentious walls, facades, or displays surrounding your kid.  They’re your kid and you love them and are proud of them no matter what their accomplishments, likeability, or style.

I’m certain that I could write and write and write on this topic.  There are so many kinds of fathers out there, and so many traits (good and bad) that could be discussed.  Many of them we have discussed in the past and will continue to discuss in the future.

Remember an important concept to TrueManhood… our children learn what is right and wrong by watching us.  If we want our boys to grow into TrueManhood, and our daughters to meet and marry a TrueMan, then we must show them what that is.  “Jesus answered and said to them, “Amen, amen, I say to you, a son cannot do anything on his own, but only what he sees his father doing; for what he does, his son will do also.  For the Father loves his Son and shows him everything that he himself does, and he will show him greater works than these, so that you may be amazed.” John 5:19-20.  A major component here is how we treat our wife.  Being a great-TrueMan-dad, means being a great husband first.

Thanks to my dad, Tony, for being an absolutely awesome dad!  I have many fond memories of my childhood, and am so blessed to have him help me to raise my kids now, but there’s a concept that I always return to when I think about my relationship with my dad, and it’s this: he always SHOWED me how to be a man.  He lived it.  He didn’t have to say a lot, he lived it.  I saw, first and foremost, that he loved/s my mother.  That is who he is, as a man; he’s a husband, and all else stems from that.

TrueMan up!

Is a Bad Dad Better Than No Dad?

Recently, I had a discussion with a woman on the topic of fatherhood. During our conversation, she was adamant that a child having a bad father in the picture is better than no father.  I disagree with her, but understand at a basic level why she would believe this.  I also sympathize with her, aware that her situation was extremely difficult to bear.  Now that I’ve given it more thought, I think she may have been combining some thoughts together, associating a bad father with a father who is at least present.

If having a bad father in their life simply means that the child can feel a sense of acceptance and that someone desires them, then maybe I could agree with her.  However, being a child requires, and makes us yearn for, much more.  [Here’s a powerful clip from “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air” – the other videos in the playlist can’t be removed, sorry.]

Things to keep in mind: “bad” here is used not as an extreme word, but merely as a way to describe a man who is not living up to his role as father, even in the basic sense.  Call it judgmental (that would be a misuse of the word) or hateful, but at some point, we have to call a spade a spade.  A bad father isn’t present to his children, does not give them encouragement, nor inspiration, nor assistance, nor guidance, nor education.  A bad father lacks affection, affirmation, recognition, and compassion, and he shows no mercy.  Essentially, a bad father is the opposite of everything that God the Father is and that which a good father should strive for.

I wrote a post not too long ago, with a video, about my nephew (and his siblings.)  In the post, I discussed how his father was in the picture, but how his involvement is detrimental, and how these kinds of situations require other men to step in and be the father figures that children need.  Maybe there’s an element of timing in this discussion… for instance, the time in a child’s life may dictate whether or not a bad father’s presence is beneficial.  I’m sort of just writing my jumbled up thoughts right now because I really don’t know.  Maybe too, it depends on each kid.  Perhaps it is best that a bad father isn’t around in the teen years, but during the adolescent years?  (We should get this discussion going on the TrueManhood.com Facebook page.)

As I’ve written and said many times, our children learn from us, good or bad.  If we fail as fathers, our children will learn that fatherhood and/or masculinity is something other than what it actually is – believing that our failure is normal and acceptable.  I do not believe that we can substitute authentic masculinity when it comes to our children – they need to know it, be surrounded by it, and be taught it so that they are able to thrive in life.  TrueManhood is one of the most basic tenants of humanity, and literally as old as mankind.

So I pose a thought for you to consider… is it better for a child to have a bad father in their life or to have no father present at all?  I’m sure that we can all agree that children with great dads are always best off.  I’m certainly striving to be a great dad for my kids, won’t you strive to give that to your kids, too?

TrueMan up!

Filling the Void in a Kid’s Life

It’s a sad situation when a child grows up without a father.  Unfortunately, we have a large segment of society living without their fathers… some because they’ve passed away, and some because the fathers fail to step up.  Both situations are difficult, but I submit that those that fail to step up are more detrimental to the lives of their kids, leaving a huge void – a void almost insurmountable.

I recently had the opportunity to go with my eleven year old nephew, Isaac, to his youth trap league.  We were accompanied by Isaac’s grandfather, but not by the boy’s father.  Isaac performed incredibly, especially in the face of adverse conditions.  It was cloudy, cold, and extremely windy, but he kept with it and shot really well.  The sun eventually came out, the winds calmed, and at the end of the day, Isaac had a lot to show for his performance.  I wanted to highlight him and his efforts because I’m so proud of him, but also felt the need to talk about the void that is present in his life and what I’m trying to do about it.

Have you heard or read the stats about children who grow up without a father and how they are set up for failure?  Well, Isaac is beating those odds!  Thanks to his mother who is strong and doing all she can, and thanks especially to Isaac’s Grandpa, he is succeeding in, despite his sitaution, and will continue to be supported and encouraged.  It is amazing to watch this young boy grow and overcome.

Isaac and his siblings are a prime example of growing up with the void of a father.  Yes, they have a father.  Yes, they see their father and are in his custody at times.  His kids need and deserve more.  That’s where other men MUST come in.  Maybe you know a kid like Isaac – another little kid who is fighting hard to beat the odds.  We can’t wait around and expect that dad to change, we have to step in and fill the void.  Along the way, we should also challenge the father to pick up the slack and change his behavior, but that may never pan out, so we invest in the child all that we can.

I invest in my nephew because I know it will make him better.  If I can first live by example, then help lead him into manhood through extra effort, I believe that my efforts will be rewarded.  I believe it will effect his younger siblings in a positive way, too.  Think about the kids in your life that have a void and figure out a way you can step in and cover some of that gap.  If you don’t, who will?

TrueMan up!

Tuesdays With Daddy – Times Gone By

A series of posts I used to write were called “Tuesdays with Daddy.”  [They’re in the blog archives under the Fatherhood tab.]  These posts were about my time at home, on Tuesdays, with my daughters.  At the time, I had two toddler daughters that I was lucky enough to be able to spend special time with on Tuesdays.  Today, I took the opportunity to stop working (I mostly work from home) and I went outside with them.  It was a beautiful day and I figured it would do us all some good.

Nowadays, it’s not just my two girls, I also have a one year old son, Dave Jr.  He’s really awesome, and we had a great time outside today.  (Maybe if I can get the video edited together quickly enough, I will post the video of him riding on his four-wheeler by himself!  Yes folks, he turned 1 last week and can ride the thing by himself!)  All three of them were all over our fields and sincerely enjoying the outdoors, the sunshine, and even the brisk breeze that was lightly blowing today.  I was running around with them, laughing and joking, holding them and hugging them, throwing them in the air, pushing them on the tree swing, watching them on the four-wheeler, playing t-ball, helping them ride their bikes, and showing them the old tractors.  What a way to rejuvenate!

When I came in the house, it was time to get back to work.  When I sat back down at my computer, I was so filled with joy, it was almost hard to sit still.  I took an hour out of my workday to be with the people who are the most important in my life.  Not only will they remember it, I will remember it.  Not only did it bring life to them today, it brought life to me today.  What a blessing my children are to me.

If you’re a father, and you’re like me, you often get bogged down in the “stuff that has to get done.”  Work, helping your wife, chores around the house, helping your wife, this meeting and that meeting, taking care of the vehicles, oh yeah don’t forget prayer, helping your wife, going to the bank, making money, helping your wife… on and on.  The “stuff” never stops.  But without a doubt, your kids grow up more and more each day.  Every once and a while, just drop what you’re doing and take your kids outside.  If your kids are anything like mine, and they probably are, they really don’t care what they get to do with Daddy, they just know that they get to be with Daddy!  Don’t let another day go by without spending this invaluable time with your kids.

Last thing… I have been really frustrated lately.  I plan to write more on this in a coming post.  My frustration stems from things that I see in our society, in the government, the 2012 presidential election, things that are happening in and to the Church and so on.  I have to remember, and ask you to consider, this… our world isn’t doomed.  Our world is set for joy, as long as we teach our kids how to live joyfully.  Once we and those who die before us are gone, our kids are in charge.  If they know how to live with joy, our world will be just fine.

TrueMan up!

More Embarrassing Than Anything Else?

This story has been in the news a significant amount over the past 11 months or so, but I thought it good to discuss it here on, apparently, the last stage of the case.  Lawrence Taylor, former NFL Linebacker for the NY Giants, was indicted on several counts of sexual misconduct, prostitution, having sex with an underage female, etc. etc. in May of 2010.  (For the entire case file and details, google or youtube videos for more specifics.)  Yesterday, Taylor was in court for his sex offender hearing.

There are lots of details to this case, but I want to focus on his response on this FOX News show.  Watch it then read below.

If you watched closely, you may have seen some of the glaring problems that I saw.  For instance, LT tried to justify his actions.  He seemed to shrug off the gravity of his actions.  He attempted to answer several of the questions, but as he proceeded, he seemingly realized that his honest answer would “get him in trouble” at home with his wife and he backed off.  As he stumbled through his answers, you could tell from both his body language and his stuttering that he was trying to give the political answer instead of owning up to what he did.  (From the start, LT’s story changed.  Originally, he said he never had sex with the prostitute, a 16 year old girl.  Then he admitted to pieces of the story, then eventually, he admitted – after taking a plea deal – to all of the charges.)  LT, you should have been honest from the start.  Better yet, you shouldn’t have been looking to a pimp to find you a woman to fornicate with.

And, what’s the deal with “then it’s all clean”???  Prostitution isn’t clean.  It does mess with emotions, with the chemical makeup, with relationships.  It’s not clean at all.

And another thing… yes, some of us are trying to shut down the sex trafficking industry!  One by one, 10 by 10, whatever it takes.

And no, Mr. Taylor, not everyone goes to prostitutes.  In fact, most of us don’t.  Please don’t speak for the rest of us.

Beyond the first interview, (in part 2) LT talks about his 5 year old son.  He appears to believe that his son will be a better man because of what he (LT) has gone through.  Let me tell you something… it doesn’t work like that.  Little boys act like their daddies, whether good bad or indifferent.  For the bad daddies, unless someone, hopefully their daddy himself, intervenes and sets a better example, the little boy is prone to bad behavior.  That’s painting the picture with broad strokes, but it’s the statistics.

In the end, I’m not saying there’s no hope for this guy.  I’m not saying that he won’t make it through.  I’m not saying that he’s going to use prostitutes again, or that his son is hopeless, or that a conversion to our Lord isn’t possible.  What I’m saying, similar to what I said about Tiger Woods, is that men like this, who have loads of influence and power, are detrimental to manliness because of their lack of knowledge and implementation of virtue.

TrueMan up!

An Act of Heroism

This clip isn’t easy to watch, and my heart goes out to this mother and child.  What a great example of virtue and TrueManhood from this husband and father.  The man’s father puts it well by saying that love will fix the situation.  It may seem ridiculous to some, but love heals.  Afterall, do you think God liked seeing His Son dying on the cross?  Not a chance.  But, the love which Christ poured out for us, by giving up His life, was love at its core.  This man, Brian Wood, knew what it meant to love.

 

 

 

This piece shows me several things:

1. Our society has a drastically obvious double-standard about pro-life issues.  Notice how this pregnancy happens to be a baby – in this setting – but in most others, it’s simply a blob, a tissue-mass or an embryo.
2. Our society drastically misunderstands virtue.  If you notice, several times the gentleman’s actions were misinterpreted, saying that he made a choice and acted.  Although he did make a choice to sacrifice himself, he acted out of virtue.  The virtue of courage was obviously a part of this man’s life.
3. Our society will likely see a video clip like this and continue to abuse alcohol and drugs.  Selfishness runs rampant in our culture.  Fight it by not being selfish.  Be a selfless servant.

My condolences to the family.

TrueMan u!

A Message from Dads.org Founder, Steve Wood

Here’s the latest message from Dads.org Founder, Steve Wood…

Raising Boys to Men in an Effeminate Culture

I’d like to extend a special welcome to the three hundred new subscribers who recently signed up for this newsletter after seeing the re-broadcasts of my EWTN series The Carpenter’s Shop.

The re-broadcast of this series brought to mind my interview with Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, author of A Parent’s Guide to Preventing Homosexuality. Dr. Nicolosi, an orthodox Catholic psychologist, is the world’s leading expert in treating youth experiencing gender identity confusion, or struggling with homosexuality. This interview also sparked my desire to reprint one of my favorite articles that I’ve written over the years: Lessons for Dads from Secondhand Lions.

Lots of Christian parents who had assumed homosexuality could never strike a loved one in their family now realize how wrong they were to be complacent about this terrible threat.

If you think homosexuality can’t possibly strike any of your children, take note of a survey of 34,706 12-year-olds from Minnesota. The survey found that 25.9 percent of these kids weren’t sure whether they were homosexual or heterosexual. That’s astounding. However at the age of 12 a child isn’t suffering from homosexuality but rather a gender identity confusion, which is a fixable problem.

Much better than trying to fix a problem is preventing it. Dr. Nicolosi is crystal clear that the best way to prevent homosexuality is for a father to be lovingly involved in his son’s life. A son’s attachment to his father as he matures throughout boyhood and adolescence is the key for his healthy masculine development. To put it simply – it takes a man to make a man out of a boy.

I strongly recommend the following four steps to learn how a father (grandfather, uncle, coach, scout leader, or a mentor) helps a boy become a man:

Step 1 – Read the article below, Lessons for Dads from Secondhand Lions

Step 2 – Watch the movie, Secondhand Lions

Step 3 – Read A Parent’s Guide to Preventing Homosexuality

Step 4 – Watch Secondhand Lions a second time

The four-step plan outlined above is perfect for individual fathers and it is an ideal study plan for a men’s small group.

The most frequent parenting mistake I see is the failure to anticipate the needs of teenagers during early childhood. Another mistake is failing to anticipate the needs of young adults during the teenage years. Make no mistake: you have to be at least one or two steps ahead of your children. Take action now to prevent your children from getting caught up in the worldwide spread of homosexuality.

Lessons for Dads from Secondhand Lions

My movie recommendations are hopelessly obsolete since by the time I get around to seeing a movie it is usually about to leave theaters. So this article isn’t a preview, but a reflection on a fascinating film for fathers.

Secondhand Lions featuresWalter, a shy and awkward boy being raised by an irresponsible single mom with multiple boyfriends. Walter is abandoned for the summer when his mother drops him off at the rundown, rural Texas home of his great uncles.

At the difficult stage of life when a boy needs to mature into his manhood, Walter seems to have every conceivable strike against his healthy development. Yet Walter’s manhood miraculously matures as a result of his relationship with two cranky old men.

Garth and Hub (Michael Caine and Robert Duvall) are the gruff-talking, shotgun-toting, anti-social, rough-around-the-edges, great uncles. They sure don’t have Ph.D.’s in developmental psychology, and at first they don’t seem particularly interested in helping to make a man out of Walter. In fact, Garth and Hub seem like the worst possible father-substitutes for this semi-orphaned boy. Yet they do a marvelous job in helping Walter make the transition from boyhood to manhood.

Here are Garth and Hub’s secrets for turning this boy into a young man: Shoot, fish, eat, work, ride in the truck, and have lots of fun as guys – not really too complicated. They just did all this stuff together and, despite having every social strike against him, Walter grows into a well-adjusted man.

It takes a man to convey and confirm masculinity to a boy. It doesn’t come via auto-pilot. It doesn’t come from the most committed and talented mother, or female teacher. Dad, let me repeat this: It takes a man to help a boy develop his masculinity. I wrote this in The ABCs of Choosing a Good Husband:

“A young boy is naturally drawn into a close attachment to his mother. Being a ‘mama’s boy’ under seven years of age is fine and healthy. And yet for a boy to mature fully in his masculinity, he needs to ‘detach’ from Mom and form a closer attachment with his father throughout older boyhood and adolescence.

A boy matures into manhood through this close identification with his father. Once a young man has fully matured in this way, he’s ready for a close reattachment to a woman — his wife. But it’s extremely difficult for a boy to mature in his masculinity without the presence of a father.”

When boys don’t have men to help them mature, they turn out haywire – hoods and homosexuals are just two extreme types of boys who don’t make the transition to manhood.

The hoods in Secondhand Lions who pull switchblades and try (quite unsuccessfully) to rough up Robert Duvall were asserting their pseudo-masculinity. After the fight, Duvall befriends the hoods and takes them home. He recognizes that these young toughs have a deficiency of real manhood. So he gives them his “man talk” to help them become real men. After observing this, Walter wisely senses his own need for the “man talk” and desperately pleads for one.

Although frequently unacknowledged, homosexuality and gender-confusion also stem from the failure to make the successful transition from boyhood to manhood. Homosexuality is now a common phenomenon among Catholic teens and twenties.

What should Catholic parents of a homosexual or gender-confused child do? The last thing I would advise is heeding the document, “Always Our Children.” I also advise keeping your children far from anyone or anything associated with the National Association of Catholic Diocesan Lesbian and Gay Ministries . Homosexuality and gender confusion are serious problems requiring solid psychological advice.

Dr. Joseph Nicolosi is on my short-list of reliable Catholic psychologists. Every Catholic dad should read his book, A Parent’s Guide to Preventing Homosexuality.

Dr. Nicolosi, who has spoken with hundreds of homosexual men over the past fifteen years, says, “I have never met a single homosexual man who said he had a close, loving, and respectful relationship with his father. I have never known a single case of a homosexual man who was not wounded in his relationships within the male world.”

Dr. Nicolosi asserts, “Fathers make men.” He describes how boys have a critical developmental task that girls don’t. A boy needs “to disidentify from his mother and identify with his father” if he is to grow into a normal heterosexual man. “Every boy has a deep longing to be held, to be loved by a father figure, to be mentored into the world of men, and to have his masculine nature affirmed and declared good enough by his male peers, his male elders, and mentors.”

On a recent live radio show with Dr. Nicolosi as my guest, we received a call from a concerned mother about her son’s masculine development. Dr. Nicolosi asked her, “How is your son’s relationship with his father?” She said, “Oh it’s great. They’re buddies, they play sports together all the time, and they hunt and fish together.” Dr. Nicolosi said, “Everything’s okay, there will be no problems.” The mother, not entirely convinced, went on to voice additional concerns when Dr. Nicolosi interrupted her and confidently predicted that this boy will turn out just fine thanks to his relationship with his father.

Secondhand Lions is an encouraging film for dads raising sons in our gender-confused and lack-of-genuine-manhood culture. If Garth and Hub, a pair of cranky and slightly crazy great-uncles, can lead Walter into his manhood, you can too. Garth and Hub weren’t perfect by a long shot, but they did share their lives and their manhood with Walter. It was a priceless gift.

Don’t let yourself be absorbed by your career and your personal sports and hobbies apart from your sons. You’ve got to be with your sons in order to share your manhood with them. Your wife can’t do this job for you. Expensive toys will not fill this void in your son. It takes you to lead your son into his manhood.

So, sweat with your sons while doing physical work together. Fish and go boating this summer. Shoot some skeet next fall. Maybe fix up an old truck and go places (boys really like going through dirt and mud). Finally, engage in some slightly risk-taking fun with them – deeply religious dads sometimes forget this vital “risky-fun” component of fathering sons. (My attorney advises me against giving specific recommendations, but I’m sure you can come up with something!)

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