Keep Your Cool, Dad

I recently witnessed a less-than-ideal situation between a father and his children, and thought I’d relay the story here so that everyone could think about it.  They were doing some yardwork.  His kids were helping with the mowing and edging.  At one point, the father became irrate because the equipment stopped working.  He began to scream at the both of them, as if it was their fault that the machine failed.  A few explitives flew, a few derogatory and demeaning things were said, and I’m sure, some confidence (in the kids) was shot.

OK, so why do I bring this story up?  Lots of reasons!  First of all… anytime I hear yelling and cursing near me, I begin to investigate.  Secondly, anytime I know that a child is being yelled at, I turn my attention to the situation.  The lie to “keep your nose out of other people’s business” isn’t something I subscribe to, and neither should you.  The care of women, children, and other men is always a TrueMan’s business.  Passivity must not be tolerated.   Also, I want to work to highlight not only bad behavior in men, but more importantly, the ways in which the rest of us can learn from the mistakes and shortcomings of other men around us.  Let’s not make the same mistakes as others.  It’s about a dad who’s unable to control his temper and who is misguided in how he deals with stress.

I was keeping an eye on the situation in the event that it got out of hand and needed my intervention.  It never came to that, thankfully.  Whether the dad made the switch on his own, or if he saw me and changed his tune because he knew I was nearby, or whether it was something else entirely, I was just glad to see that it stopped.  To my knowledge, he never hit or struck his kids – I most certainly would have stepped in.

Let’s consider how a TrueMan handles this situation as a father.  If you’re going to have your children helping you, with whatever you’re doing, make it about teaching them and forming them to perform their chores/work properly.  If they happen to break something while learning, realize that stuff breaks and – if you’ve done it correctly – they’ll have truly learned something!  Isn’t that the point?!  Explanations of how things work, processes to follow, safety standards… all good things.  Yelling at them and demeaning them is the wrong approach.  Teaching, forming, encouraging… those are the attributes of a man who can be proud of his parenting.

A TrueMan keeps his cool, in every situation.  This requires so many virtues, they are too numerous to mention here.  Namely, the virtues of temperance, prudence, and fortitude come to mind.  If you aren’t familiar with these words, or want more information on virtue, please check out our “TrueManhood’s Quick Guide to Virtue” under the Resources tab.  Dads, your kids want to be with you.  They want your time, your attention, your affection, your love.  They want you.  They want to be wanted by you.  Give them that.  Give them you!

On a personal note, I work to constantly be aware of my yelling and overall tone when dealing with my kiddos.  I’ve come a long way and still can be better.  I don’t always do the right thing, and I don’t always make the right choices, but my head is screwed on straight and I work to be cognizant of how what I say affects my kids.  And not just what I say, but how I say it.  When we say and do things to our children, it definintely affects them and stays with them.  It changes them.  Work to be aware of your words and actions, because your kids are watching and learning; they’ll become who you teach them to become.

TrueMan up!

Some of My Favorite Daddy Moments

A lot of what I write about is fairly heavy, and usually very serious.  I think that it’s important in all of the seriousness to take a step back from time to time and keep things in perspective.  When I allow myself to do this, it almost undoubtedly directs my thoughts to what’s really important in my life; my children.

Lately, I’ve been concentrating on being less of a nagging parent, being more positive in my speech to my children, and picking my battles.  Recently, I took my three oldest children to the local lake to go fishing.  It was the heat of the afternoon and we didn’t have the right bait.  We were fishing from the bank, and in an area with little to no habitat where fish like to live, move, and eat.  The odds were against us.  We fished (ie: practiced their casting and reeling skills – they got pretty good!) for over an hour, then the kids took their shoes off, waded into the water, and attempted to skip rocks.  It was a blast.  I enjoyed just being there with them, with no agenda, no plans, no rules, just fun.

Now that the weather is warmer, we’ve been doing a lot of this lately.  Playing outside with bikes and scooters, spending lots of time at local parks, and so on.  What I love about this time with them is that we’re making memories.  My kids will either remember how much I worked or how much time I played with them.  I want the work to be there, obviously it has to be, but I also NEED the play time to be there as well.  We’ve also been spending more time in prayer together, which has been awesome.  I instituted a new rule… whenever we see our friend (a true prayer warrior) over at the church, which we live across from, we’re going in too.  She’s there every. single. day. and so are we now.

As summer break gets ramped up, we have plans for more baseball, swimming, bike riding, camping (I’m most excited about camping!), and even some late spring-season turkey hunting.  I hope to update everyone on those as we go.

So dads… and men who desire to be a dad someday… don’t remove the seriousness of life and don’t abdicate your responsibilities, but make time for the fun things with your kids.  I constantly hear parents of older children (ie: grandparents) talking about “how fast time flies” and “how fast they grow up.”  I don’t want to wake up one day and have missed out.  This is my only chance.

PS: speaking of being a fun dad… check out the comedian @jimgaffigan, he’s hilarious and often talks about his kids.  A father of 5, he knows how to keep it light and fun.

TrueMan up!

Filling the Void in a Kid’s Life

It’s a sad situation when a child grows up without a father.  Unfortunately, we have a large segment of society living without their fathers… some because they’ve passed away, and some because the fathers fail to step up.  Both situations are difficult, but I submit that those that fail to step up are more detrimental to the lives of their kids, leaving a huge void – a void almost insurmountable.

I recently had the opportunity to go with my eleven year old nephew, Isaac, to his youth trap league.  We were accompanied by Isaac’s grandfather, but not by the boy’s father.  Isaac performed incredibly, especially in the face of adverse conditions.  It was cloudy, cold, and extremely windy, but he kept with it and shot really well.  The sun eventually came out, the winds calmed, and at the end of the day, Isaac had a lot to show for his performance.  I wanted to highlight him and his efforts because I’m so proud of him, but also felt the need to talk about the void that is present in his life and what I’m trying to do about it.

Have you heard or read the stats about children who grow up without a father and how they are set up for failure?  Well, Isaac is beating those odds!  Thanks to his mother who is strong and doing all she can, and thanks especially to Isaac’s Grandpa, he is succeeding in, despite his sitaution, and will continue to be supported and encouraged.  It is amazing to watch this young boy grow and overcome.

Isaac and his siblings are a prime example of growing up with the void of a father.  Yes, they have a father.  Yes, they see their father and are in his custody at times.  His kids need and deserve more.  That’s where other men MUST come in.  Maybe you know a kid like Isaac – another little kid who is fighting hard to beat the odds.  We can’t wait around and expect that dad to change, we have to step in and fill the void.  Along the way, we should also challenge the father to pick up the slack and change his behavior, but that may never pan out, so we invest in the child all that we can.

I invest in my nephew because I know it will make him better.  If I can first live by example, then help lead him into manhood through extra effort, I believe that my efforts will be rewarded.  I believe it will effect his younger siblings in a positive way, too.  Think about the kids in your life that have a void and figure out a way you can step in and cover some of that gap.  If you don’t, who will?

TrueMan up!

REPOST: She Thinks We’re Just Fishin’

I’m reposting this story from about three years ago.  Fishing season is upon us, and my daughters are anxious to get out again soon.  And, if that wasn’t enough, my oldest daughter is growing up so quickly.  She absolutely rocked out a solo tonight at her school choir concert, and it made me think of the times we spent singing the song that I talk about later in the post.  Here goes:

“This morning, I took my daughters fishing.  They have experienced a bit of fishing before, but this was their first time with me.  Just the three of us went; 2yr old Emma, 3yr old Lily and Daddy.  We drove about 7 minutes to the local lake.  I taught them how to put the rods together, then switched the lefty reel to a righty.  We then baited a hook (lure) and I showed them how to cast and reel.  They took turns and ultimately, had a great time.  We didn’t stay long.  They were more interested in their ice cold water and snack that waited for them in my truck and not so much in casting and sitting still in the hot summer sun.  It was all good.

I had prepared them for this “fishing trip” the night before.  They woke up excited and were ready to go fairly early.  They thought we were going to catch huge fish, but I knew better.  I wasn’t using the right lures and the rods were way too big for them.  Again, it was all good.

It wasn’t about catching fish.  [If it was, they’d call it ‘catching’ instead of ‘fishing’.]  It was about my daughters having time with their father, and it was about their father having time with his daughters.  Time, that’s really all.  And memories.  When’s the last time you took time to make memories with your children?  Your godchildren?  Your nephews/nieces?  Your grandkids?  Go make memories.  Oh, and on the way home from fishing… we stopped in at the adoration chapel at our church for a few minutes of silent prayer with Jesus.  Overall, it was a great morning.

Trace Adkins has a great song that became “Lily’s song”, and I sing it to her all the time.  Here’s the video.  Speaks to what I’m talking about here.  Thanks, Trace.”

TrueMan up!

Tuesdays With Daddy – Times Gone By

A series of posts I used to write were called “Tuesdays with Daddy.”  [They’re in the blog archives under the Fatherhood tab.]  These posts were about my time at home, on Tuesdays, with my daughters.  At the time, I had two toddler daughters that I was lucky enough to be able to spend special time with on Tuesdays.  Today, I took the opportunity to stop working (I mostly work from home) and I went outside with them.  It was a beautiful day and I figured it would do us all some good.

Nowadays, it’s not just my two girls, I also have a one year old son, Dave Jr.  He’s really awesome, and we had a great time outside today.  (Maybe if I can get the video edited together quickly enough, I will post the video of him riding on his four-wheeler by himself!  Yes folks, he turned 1 last week and can ride the thing by himself!)  All three of them were all over our fields and sincerely enjoying the outdoors, the sunshine, and even the brisk breeze that was lightly blowing today.  I was running around with them, laughing and joking, holding them and hugging them, throwing them in the air, pushing them on the tree swing, watching them on the four-wheeler, playing t-ball, helping them ride their bikes, and showing them the old tractors.  What a way to rejuvenate!

When I came in the house, it was time to get back to work.  When I sat back down at my computer, I was so filled with joy, it was almost hard to sit still.  I took an hour out of my workday to be with the people who are the most important in my life.  Not only will they remember it, I will remember it.  Not only did it bring life to them today, it brought life to me today.  What a blessing my children are to me.

If you’re a father, and you’re like me, you often get bogged down in the “stuff that has to get done.”  Work, helping your wife, chores around the house, helping your wife, this meeting and that meeting, taking care of the vehicles, oh yeah don’t forget prayer, helping your wife, going to the bank, making money, helping your wife… on and on.  The “stuff” never stops.  But without a doubt, your kids grow up more and more each day.  Every once and a while, just drop what you’re doing and take your kids outside.  If your kids are anything like mine, and they probably are, they really don’t care what they get to do with Daddy, they just know that they get to be with Daddy!  Don’t let another day go by without spending this invaluable time with your kids.

Last thing… I have been really frustrated lately.  I plan to write more on this in a coming post.  My frustration stems from things that I see in our society, in the government, the 2012 presidential election, things that are happening in and to the Church and so on.  I have to remember, and ask you to consider, this… our world isn’t doomed.  Our world is set for joy, as long as we teach our kids how to live joyfully.  Once we and those who die before us are gone, our kids are in charge.  If they know how to live with joy, our world will be just fine.

TrueMan up!

Busy, Frustrated, Anxious, Confused

Lately, life has been on a lightspeed pace.  I think I’ve bitten off more than I can chew.  I’m frustrated with various things, anxious about what’s happening in life and confused as to what God’s doing in my life.  But I’m a man… I shouldn’t be admitting this.  Right?  I should be strong and well-put-together.  I should have everything taken care of with time to spare.  Right?  I should be self-sufficient.  I should be completely ahead of the curve.  Should, should, should.

Well, we all know that sometimes we aren’t ahead of the curve.  Sometimes, life gets busy and we get behind.  How do you keep it all straight?  How do you keep your head above water?  Are you a yes-aholic?  Do you have trouble ordering your priorities?  (I’ve written about priorities before, just do a search for “PRIORITY” and you’ll find some good stuff.)  Do you struggle with loads of work yet waste away time on meaningless activities and hobbies?

I recommend a few things.  First and foremost, I recommend that you examine your prayer life.  If you’re praying, your foundation is strong and you take the necessary time to sit in quiet with God.  If you’re not praying, try starting with 15 minutes a day.  Along with daily prayer, frequent reception of the Sacraments is vital.  Next, I recommend that you organize your life however works best for you.  Maybe it’s a planner, a calendar, a list, post-it notes, etc.  Don’t just let life happen to you, dictate what your day looks like.  Next, I recommend that you (if you’re in the same boat as me) start saying ‘no’ to some things.  Today, I cancelled three future meetings (to be rescheduled) and moved two other events around so I could breathe.  Do whatever it takes to order your life properly.  An ordered life is the goal, because then everything is in it’s proper place.  “Living balance means that you’re doing what you want to do.  Living order means that you’re doing what you ought to do.”

As men, sometimes we are told that we can’t or shouldn’t rely on others for help.  This is not logical, it’s not practical and it’s not Scriptural.  Lean on those around you to help you out.  Reach out to friends, family, colleagues that will assist you in reaching your goals.  Showing vulnerability or the need for help doesn’t mean you’re less manly, it just means that you need some help.  In this entire process, I recommend taking life in stride and to remain positive.  If you are negative, and if you complain, you will only add stress and strain on your already busy lifestyle.

Best of luck in reaching your goals!  Your prayers for me are appreciated as I navigate the everchanging and rapid waters of my life.

TrueMan up!

In a World of Negativity, Think Positive

There’s a lot of junk happening lately and lots of bad stuff happening in the world.  We’ve got gigantic problems in Washington, we’re fighting a war in the Middle East where there hasn’t been peace, well, ever.  We’re constantly facing persecution for being “moral, ethical citizens”.  Babies are being destroyed for the sake of convenience and preference.  A good deal of the time, it doesn’t seem like anything is ever going to get better.

Look on the bright side, we have lots to be thankful for.  Someone, somewhere has it much, much worse than you or me.  Belly-achin’ and complainin’ about stuff isn’t going to make anything better.  Yes, there are plenty of really horrible things taking place in our world, but they shouldn’t effect our daily lives from being focused and centered on Christ.

Imagine how badly St. Paul had it… beatings, being stoned, imprisonment and so on!  (Read Philippians 2:12-18.)

Thinking positively helps us take a bad situation and turn it into something decent.  There’s serious power in the reality of the power of positive thought.  I encourage everyone to try three things over the next three days, and see if your attitude changes.

1. Refrain from complaining.
2. Find a positive side to everything.
3. Do something kind for someone else at least once a day.

After three days, after you’ve tried these three things, comment back, or email, or post on Facebook, or wherever.  I want to know what you experienced.

Man up!

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