Ep16 – Suicide Prevention: Spirituality & Science

Dave is joined by his wife Catherine, a Licensed Professional Counselor to discuss suicide prevention. This episode is intended to help listeners gain information about helping their loved ones who might be suicidal, or if they themselves are struggling. Know that you are loved and are good! (This was recorded in 2014 in the wake of the suicide of Robin Williams, and remastered and edited for the podcast in light of recent public celebrity suicides.)

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Guest Post – It Only Takes One

In connection with an upcoming podcast, originally recorded with my wife Catherine for local Catholic radio in 2014, my wife mentioned this article.  The article is intended to help folks navigate the tough waters of suicide prevention in their loved ones.

By Catherine DiNuzzo of DiNuzzo Counseling

Imagine…it’s Christmas Day and your family is gathered around the dinner table. Everyone is talking and laughing. Everyone, that is, except for your sister. It has been a few months since you have seen her because she now goes to college out of state. You notice that she seems to be in her own world, disengaged from the family and disinterested in the discussion. She has cut her food into very small pieces but isn’t eating any of it, only pushing it around her plate. You also notice that she has lost a lot a weight since the last time you saw her.

Now imagine that you are out with your roommate. You realize that you haven’t seen her eat very much lately, but now that you are both out at dinner, she seems to be eating more than she normally would. Dinner is over, and as you wait for the bill, she seems anxious. She excuses herself to the bathroom, but is gone for a really long time. As you are about to get up to see if she is ok, she comes out, but refuses to look you in the eyes.

Maybe the scenario you’re imagining is your mother. She’s been distancing herself from the family. She’s alone a lot. You can’t remember the last time you heard her laugh. It feels like nothing makes her happy anymore, even the things that used to. She goes about her day doing all the things that need to be done, but she’s lost the joy that used to be so commonplace.

In all of these situations, and many others that might come to mind, there’s probably a feeling in your gut that something’s wrong. No matter how hard you try to wish it away, that interior nudge telling you that you need to say something just won’t go away. That ‘gut feeling’, or nudge, is there for a reason. So what do you do?

Unfortunately, we often do nothing. We are afraid of offending the person, afraid that it is not our place to say something. We are afraid we will say all the wrong things. So, we wait. We wait in hopeful anticipation, praying that someone else will say something. Or, we hope that maybe our loved-one will come to us and ask for help. As we fight these thoughts, the one we love and know is in need, is just waiting for one person who is not afraid to ask them…“Are you ok?”

In my counseling practice, I’m commonly approached with questions and phrases like… “I have a friend who needs counseling, but I don’t know how to approach them. Can you give me some advice on what to say?” It’s a very complicated question, with a multitude of answers. Every situation is very different. Keeping that in mind, I’d like to offer you six helpful hints that may help. (These can be adapted for different situations.) I must stress that the most dangerous thing is to say nothing at all. We cannot let our fear get in the way of reaching out to help someone in need.

6 HELPFUL HINTS

1. PRAY ABOUT IT: An important first step, because it reminds us that as we face our fears, we are not alone. The greatest fear that I hear is “I’m afraid that I’ll say all the wrong things and possibly somehow make things worse.” Whenever I speak to a client, I always start by saying a prayer and ask for the Holy Spirit to speak through me. This way, my words will be His words, and therefore, be the words that I need to say. Try it, trusting in the Holy Spirit to guide you.
2. KNOW YOUR MOTIVATION: When we reach out to a family member or friend in need, we are doing it out a love for them. This is your motivation; you are doing it because you want what is best for them, and you don’t want to see them hurting. As you talk to them about your concerns, say that you come to them with this concern out of love.
3. BE PREPARED: Before you talk to your loved-one, prepare yourself. Think about what it is that you want to say and what is it that you want them to understand. Sometimes we have so many concerns and emotions about a situation that the purpose of our conversation can get lost. I recommend picking one or two things that are your biggest concerns. Focus your effort on those areas. These should be things that are broad and should be able to include many of your smaller concerns inside the larger concern.
4. ANTICIPATE THEIR REACTION: After you voice your concern, there are a number of responses that may be involved. These responses could include, but are not limited to: denial, avoidance, fear, anger, and/or defensiveness. Some may try to change the subject, or may try to lighten the mood by using humor. The loved-one may believe that they have been hiding their feelings or actions so well that there may be an element of shock that their problem has been noticed. It is important to let them have these emotions, whatever they might be, and to not get into a debate with them. Say something like. “I understand that you feel this way. I care about you too much not to say something.” I know that it looks like you are hurting, and I want you to know that I am here to help, and that you are not alone.”
5. DON’T GIVE UP: It may take time for your loved-one to admit that they need help. Don’t give up on them. Sometimes the denial and fear is very strong, and it takes time for them to become open to help. However, don’t be discouraged. Know that even if they seem mad or are in great denial, at least now they know that someone cares and that they are not alone. They also have someone who they can talk to about their struggles. Leave the door open for them to come talk to you again, and don’t be afraid to bring it up again if you don’t see the behavior getting better or if your loved-one isn’t taking steps to change.
6. CONSULT WITH PROFESSIONALS: Sometimes situations are more than you can handle. If you have someone in your life who is suicidal (Click Here for Suicidal Warning Signs) or is in a life-threatening situation, it is important to contact a professional. If there is ever any doubt for someone’s safety, immediately call 911 or your local emergency number for help.

It only takes one. One person to step outside of their comfort zone. One moment, one question, one hand reached out to help. If you know a friend who needs help, don’t be afraid to be the one person who chooses to make a difference.

Imagine… it’s a Friday night at your local (and very busy) grocery store. There are cars going all different directions and the parking lot is crowded. The drivers seem lost in their own thoughts. As you go inside and reach for a cart, something catches your eye. It’s a little girl with her mother, standing right outside of the store on the sidewalk. With all the hustle and bustle, it’s obvious that no one else seems to have noticed this mother and daughter pair, but for some reason you stop to watch. As you watch them prepare to head to their car, you see the mother stop and look down into her purse to get her keys, and then you realize that the little girl has not stopped walking, but that she is heading straight for the busy parking lot. All alone, she walks ahead, not noticing the car coming right at her. What do you do? Without thinking, you run after the little girl and stop the traffic. You get the mom’s attention. You do whatever you need to do to save that little girl. No questions asked. It doesn’t matter what else is going on in that moment… you do whatever it takes to save her. Fast forward… now that little girl has an eating disorder, poor body image, no self- worth, a cutting problem, alcoholism and/or drug abuse, suicidal tendencies, or some other problem. Are you going to just sit there and watch, letting the traffic run into her or are you going to step in and do something to help save her?

If you or someone you know needs help, please contact me, or a local therapist in your area. My contact information is available on my website, www.DiNuzzoCounseling.com.

P.S. You are enough.

‘Sexy’ Pressure for Girls at Halloween – an Article Primarily for Dads

The concept of ‘sexy pressure’ for girls at Halloween had never crossed my mind before my wife sent me a NY Times “parent blog” article – here it is – but now it’s resonating with me.  Makes me think about 10 years from now… what’s life going to be like for our little ones?  (Please read the article so that you understand what I’m talking about.  And not, I certainly don’t prescribe to what the author of the article is saying, but simply bringing it up as a point of discussion.)  I’m a father of 3 daughters, and although they are young, I’m aware of the pending pressure that’s coming – but apparently not aware enough.

In the article, you can sense that the pressure on girls comes mostly from other girls.  They didn’t talk about whether or not the guys thought they were ‘too sexy’, but the pressure stemmed almost exclusively from what the other girls perceived.  (I assert, too, that the pressure they feel isn’t so much real as it is only a perception, and the one quote shows that, when she says, essentially, “it’s not discussed but everyone knows it.”)  I’ve always found this to be true; the guys aren’t aware enough, most of the time, or don’t care enough, to make a big deal out of girl’s clothing.  Although there is that aspect when a girl is dressed in a “slutty” manner (per the article) when guys notice and begin to pay attention to her.  This is age-old.

What’s the big deal here?  Isn’t this just adolescent development, trial-and-error, and growing pains?  No, I don’t think so.  It’s a big deal because of the culture around our kids.  They see particular things online, on TV, in movies, in music videos, etc. and whatever is “it” MUST be emulated.  At least in their minds.  Whatever’s hip, cool, newest, biggest, baddest, and those things that push the moral lines, is what is desired.  Again, this is age-old.  The shiny thing that grabs attention is what becomes so sought after.  So, with our young women, and this idea of “dressing sexy for Halloween”, what do we do?  Fathers… where are you?

Here’s what we do.  I’ve written about this before, I speak about this all the time, I teach my kids in class this concept in all we do.  It’s not a new concept… it too is age-old.  We teach our kids that they are intrinsically good and that God loves them, and that we love them.  We instill in them a self-worth that is so strong that it can stand up against any cultural phenomenon, any peer pressure, any moral dilemma and come out victorious.  Without this self-worth, without this knowledge that they have a dignity that is deserving of only the greatest, they will fall into the pressure of the world to find their happiness, self-worth, and coolness factor from other things.  In the end, those other things won’t bring happiness, only emptiness.

Fathers: if you’re not the most loving, caring, compassionate, uplifting source of goodness in your daughter’s life, then why not?!  She needs your attention, your affection, your love, your discipline, your care, your concern.  NEEDS it like she needs water, food, oxygen, and shelter.  An absolute necessity.  If you’ve failed her in this area up to this point, work to fix your mistakes.  You’ve got 10 days before Halloween, it’s not too late.  And let’s be real, Halloween isn’t the issue, but it certainly accentuates the issue.

TrueMan up!

For Women – Is He Mr. Right?

I recently came across an online article titled “Is He Mr. Right?”  I was curious what the article said, doubting that any of it was substantive or even remotely helpful.  The information was, well, eh.  The article had five main points, and if your “Mr. Next” met all five, then voilà!  “You’ve found Mr. Right!”  What do you think?

The first point was “He Listens to You”.  Huh?, what’s that?  Oh, sorry.  Although listening is a vital component to just about every human relationship, I don’t know that it’s essential in choosing Mr. Right.  The first point continues on, saying “you’ll know he listens to you when he shows genuine concern, consistently remembers things you’ve told him and offers emotional support in honest and thoughtful way.”  Well… I don’t think that the actions mentioned here are listening, although listening played a role.  The action is ‘showing’, ‘remembering’ and ‘offering’.  Listening doesn’t make things happen… doing does.  With that said, God gave us each 2 ears and only 1 mouth, meaning that we should probably listen twice as much as we talk.

The second point is rather silly… “He Connects with You.”  If a guy isn’t connecting with you, why are you dating him?

The third point is good, although not developed enough for my tastes… “He Wants the Real You.”  The author writes about a woman not giving up any part of her identity for a man, which is fine and good.  I think that when either person does that, it only leads to falsehood, and eventually, the truth comes out and problems come up.  I believe one of the best ways for the guy to really want the ‘real’ you, is for him to know you before you date.  This begins the topic of dating with a purpose, although we don’t have time for that here.

The fourth point is even better than the third.  Here it is, verbatim: “A relationship without trust is doomed from the start. But a relationship with abundant trust? A fabulous foundation for real and lasting love! Built over time, trust is based on the simple belief system that your partner has your best interests at heart and will never intentionally hurt you (and vice versa). If and when you discover that Mr. Next is 100 percent trustworthy, you’ll have no trouble giving your heart to him. In return, he’ll most likely give you his heart and pave the way for a lasting, loving relationship to unfold.”  Here’s my qualm with this on… be overly careful with who you give your heart to.  Just because he’s trustworthy, doesn’t make him worthy of your heart.  Be careful, please.

The fifth point isn’t all the great, at least not for the ‘all-encompassing’ characteristic that a man must have, blah blah blah.  “He Enriches Your Life.”  Is that the best this author can do?  What about virtue here?  What about how he treats you?  What about how compatible your life goals, dreams and aspirations are?  Again, as with the second point, this seems a bit silly for me.

I think the author is missing the boat, unless, of course, the point of dating is solely to have fun.  If that’s the case, then what’s the point in even caring about Mr. Right?  Why not just care about Mr. Right-Now?  The point should be that dating with a purpose is the only way that a relationship will truly last and truly bring happiness to both people.  These relationships, however, must have Christ at their center if they want that happiness.  Ladies, please know that you are incredible.  God created you for greatness and you have nothing stopping you from that.  You deserve the best and should never compromise for a counterfeit version of the best.  So many women attempt to find value in the things that happen to them (compliments, stares, successes at work, awards, etc.) instead of finding true value in the fact that you are a daughter of God.  He is the only place for true fulfillment.