Man-ifesto, Needs Context

A message about the Docker’s “Man-ifesto” came through my inbox today and I wanted to draw some attention to it.  The point of what Dockers is trying to do comes across, however, I think it needs some explanation in order to make it better.  This explanation sets the context of what manhood is, why it is vital and how a man can live TrueManhood.

I really like the parts about gentlemanly behavior.  I tend to believe that chivalry is dying, but I know that it can be resurrected from the dead if men would take a few extra seconds here and there to help women out (it needs to then become a mindset) AND if women allow a man to be a gentleman.  The loss of masculinity in our culture is overwhelming, which is a big reason why I operate this website.  Males tend to give into societal pressures (vanity and pride are big here) and because of the idea of “cultural manliness” (if you don’t know what this is, you need to read more of my writings here!  Use the search box to find CULTURAL MANLINESS!) are often rewarded for doing so.  If you haven’t heard Brad Paisley’s song, “I’m Still a Guy”, he mentions lots of stuff about the decline of masculinity: “These days, there’s dudes gettin’ facials, manicured, waxed and botoxed.  With deep spray on tans, and creamy-lotiony hands, you can’t grip a tackle box.  With all of these dudes linin’ up get nudered it’s hip now to be feminized…” It’s funny, haha, but true.  A way for us to gauge our own behavior and motivations is to look at the most manly men we know.  This doesn’t mean Chuck Norris and Charleston Heston, this means TrueMen, like St. Joseph, St. Thomas More and Jesus Himself!  These men exemplify manliness, they are our guides.

The Dockers Man-ifesto takes jabs at stuff like salad bars, misbehaved children and complacency, but it never answers the question ‘why’.

The term “wear the pants” is typically misconstrued and misused; typically the term means something similar to dominate, or rule over.  This is NOT the role of a man.  A TrueMan leads, yes, but not with an iron fist.  A TrueMan makes decisions, but not by force.  A TrueMan loves and honors and respects.  (In the coming days, as soon as I have my voice back, I’m producing a video talking more about this topic.)

And let’s be clear, the “call to manhood” is to live virtue!  In Latin, virtus means manliness!

I urge men and women to read through Docker’s Man-ifesto and determine what areas should be worded differently if it was the TrueMan-ifesto.  Maybe I’ll do that too, and post my thoughts on it.  Your comments are appreciated.

Man up!

Congratulations on Graduation Day, Thomas!

Today is a monumental day in the life of The Avolio Family, and for the family’s friends.  Today, Wednesday, December 16, 2009,Thomas Avolio is graduating from the United States Air Force Academy and will receive a commission as a Second Lieutenant in the United States Air Force.  Although many young men and women graduate from the Air Force Academy each year, none come anywhere close to measuring up to Thomas’ life.

In 2006, Thomas was hiking a mountain directly behind the cadet area, called Eagle’s Peak.  To summit Eagle’s Peak, the hiker must exert a significant amount of energy, which all becomes well-worth it once atop this hallowed peak; the view is marvelous.  For Thomas, the last time he hiked the mountain would change his life forever.

Due to a loss of traction, Thomas took an incredibly vicious fall, falling 200 vertical feet.  His body was mangled, his limbs were broken.  Luckily, three young men were hiking below and rushed to his aid.  Thanks to their quick thinking and previous first aid training, they were able to stabilize Thomas and call for help.  Hours and hours went by as authorities attempted to save his life.  Flight for Life was called in and flew Thomas to a local hospital.  With the loss of blood, the trauma to his brain and the severity of his injuries, the doctors showed almost no signs of hope.  However, in an incredible miracle directly from God, Thomas managed to fight for his life.

I was present for a great deal of Thomas’ recovery.  I visited him in the hospital, spent countless hours praying and offering Mass for his recovery and spent many long days with his family at the hospital.  It appeared, early on, that Thomas would be devastated by the fall and that he would rely on machines, apparatus and other’s loving care to make it in life.  At this point, it was a real-life miracle that he was even alive.  All the odds were against him, but Thomas had a different plan.  From the first time that Thomas came to (out of his coma) and was able to coherently think and talk, he spoke of returning to the Academy one day and becoming an officer, as he had dreamed of in the past.  His determination was strong and fierce.

Although it took lots of time in rehab and time learning how to talk, walk and think, Thomas never said can’t.  He demonstrated an amazing attitude, something we can all learn from and strive to possess.  Today, Thomas is proving that hard work, determination and prayer can get us through anything.

Thomas is a TrueMan.  He is a man of deep faith.  He strives for holiness.  He works on living virtue.  He shares his life with those around him.  Thomas, keep up the great work, my friend.  You deserve many blessings.  Way to Man up!

In Response – Great Questions

I recently received a comment with some great questions about my last post “Relationships Relationships“.  I would like to respond here and also encourage everyone to post comments so we can increase the communication on the site!  Keep asking great questions!  (At the bottom of every post is the comment box, called “SPEAK YOUR MIND”, like the box you see to the left.)

THE COMMENT: Dave – how do you effectively date with a purpose (towards marriage discernment) without putting undue pressure/stress on the relationship? I’ve been in a spot before where the constant evaluation of the question of “Is she the one?” gets in the way of enjoying a simple ice cream cone, kind of like being scrupulous and dwelling on it too much. It is hard to describe the feeling, but at some points it can feel like you’re viewing the other person as a means to an end, rather an end in and of themselves, and as Kant would say “Act in such a way that you treat humanity, whether in your own person or in the person of any other, always at the same time as an end and never merely as a means to an end.” I know Kant wasn’t a church father but I think there’s a lot of value in that quote. In other words – sometimes I want to enjoy the company of my girlfriend as a fellow human being, enjoying either an ice cream cone or a game of poker, without stressing too much about the call to marriage.

Also – should there not be at least a certain respect/reason for the duration between engagement and marriage, in the sense of acknowledging the accepted commitment (of engagement) while also admitting the need to further understand the churches teachings on marriage (which perhaps wasn’t rigorously necessary while dating) such as NFP, the vocation/sacrament of marriage, etc? I imagine the wait can be very frustrating but I think it also has value.

Also, I mostly agree with you on arguments, but I do think you can still have disagreements on politics etc., and that’s ok and can make for fruitful discussion still. Also, hard to explain, but I think an argument can be okay now and then – if only in the sense that while no one directly wants to pursue argument/conflict, neither side wants to be a pushover either, always trying to avoid confrontation. It’s tricky though.

MY RESPONSE: in response to the first part of the comment about “undue pressure on the relationship”, I recommend getting to know the person you are thinking about dating before you start dating them.  This doesn’t always work, but in most cases I think it is what’s best.  For instance, if you are trying to figure out what sort of girl she is, observe her in public, with her friends and with strangers.  [A great tool for knowing how she treats others is to go out to eat and witness her interaction with the server.]  You can do this by spending time together in groups, at events, parties, whether with her friends, your friends or both.  It takes pressure off at the beginning of the friendship, instead of putting pressure on during the middle of one.  During this time of observation, you are being yourself, open and honest and living your life – hopefully she is too.  DO NOT EMOTIONALLY DATE THIS GIRL!!!  If you want to take her out, then Man up! and ask her out.  By learning who she is before you ask her out, you can make a realistic determination whether or not she is the type of woman you can see yourself in a relationship with.  By jumping into a relationship without knowing her, you are taking a chance later in the relationship.  This is why you “date with a purpose”, which actually starts LONG BEFORE you ever start dating someone.  Your public, private, spiritual and emotional life should be in order before you invite someone into it, and vice versa.  There’s a reality about dating with a purpose, that this relationship is going to end… it may end in break up, or it may end in marriage!  (funny, huh?!)    This doesn’t mean that you can’t go out and have fun, but I caution you against being in a relationship with someone simply because they are fun, or you have fun with them.  Certainly, fun/happiness/joy is a huge part of a relationship, but this girl isn’t your drinking buddy or the guys you go shoot hoops with.  She may very well be the mother of your children… that requires a lot of thought and virtue on your part!

In response to the second part of the comment about “engagement”, yes, you are correct to say that the time during engagement can be purposeful and valuable.  However, engagement is NOT a time to discern!  The discernment happens prior to the asking and accepting.  An understanding of the Sacrament and of the married life is important to have, preferably prior to the relationship but if not, then prior to engagement.  It’s not a “shot in the dark”, this is a for-sure decision… you’d better be certain about what’s happening.  So, for some couples, they’re going to need a full year, which most diocese/churches require for marriage prep.  Some other couples simply do not need that time.  I believe that it comes down to the couple’s formation and understanding of what they are about to embark on.  For my wife and I, we were ready and understood fully what we were embarking on.  Our engagement was about seven months long .  I know other couples that needed longer than 12 months.  As for NFP preparation, a woman can learn her cycle by charting (or whichever method the couple is going to utilize) after about three months.  Obviously, not every woman is going to have an experience like this.  I recommend that young women who are dating with a purpose start charting before engagement.  This doesn’t only tell them their fertile/unfertile days, it explains a lot about the female psyche, behavior, attitude and so on.  Again, I recommend that each couple decide with their marriage prep facilitators/priest where they are and how long they should be engaged.  Sometimes, the decision is made for you, depending on certain outside factors (deployments, graduations, moving, leases, family issues, jobs, etc.)

And in response to the third part of the comment about “disagreements and arguments”, I need to clarify what I mean by disagreements and arguments.  I do not mean differing in viewpoint, opinion or the like.  What I mean is when a couple is angry, frustrated, upset, etc. and they don’t care to look at the other point of view or to put the other person’s needs first.  Again, selfishness takes over in this case.  Yes, a couple is welcome to have differing opinions on things, and that can be healthy.  I think couples that have been together for at least a little while can determine the difference here and know what’s what.  Once a person understand love more fully (the greatest virtue, by the way!) they begin to look at life, their goals, their spouse, their kids, in a whole new light!

Kant was quoted earlier, but I want to quote John Paul II, “Love is the unification of persons.” (Love and Responsibility). If a man is unified with his spouse, his love will win out over disagreements and arguments.  We should all strive for this.

Thanks for your time on this one today!

Man up!

What We Should Be Most Thankful For

Happy Thanksgiving 2009 everyone!  It’s quite easy for us to forget about things in our life that we are (or that we should be) thankful for.  It’s easy to go through life taking for granted the wonderful blessings we have.  Sometimes, especially when it seems like the entire world is falling apart around us, we can’t see the blessings.  I tend to think that we can’t see those things because we can’t get past our own wants and desires and our attitude gets in our own way.

What we should be most thankful for is the perfect blessing, the greatest gift… the Eucharist.  Did you know that the world eucharist means thanksgiving?  When you’re down and out, struggling and allowing your poor attitude to get in your own way, do you run to the Eucharist?  When you’ve got everything going for you, and you are striving for holiness, do you run to the Eucharist?  No matter where you are in life, or how good or bad your day has been, the Eucharist should be your stronghold.  I think that men sometimes struggle with the teachings of the Eucharist because men are called to submit fully to Christ and this gift.  Typically, men don’t like to submit; submission is a sign of weakness and loss of control.  In this case, submission to Christ in the Eucharist is key!  If you want to grow in TrueManhood and you want to live the virtue of love (the GREATEST VIRTUE!), run to the Eucharist!!!

Christ instituted this gift, a pure gift of Himself, to sustain us and to guide us.  The Eucharist is the one part of our faith that unites us most intimately with Christ.  We give thanks for this “bread from Heaven”, what the Church refers to as “the source and summit”.  We tend to think of movie characters like William Wallace or Maximus Decimus Meridius when we think of leadership, sacrifice and real manliness.  Christ outshines them; this gift was an incredibly hard sacrifice to make… the hardest ever.  Christ lead the Church towards His Father through this miraculous gift.  I invite you to learn about the Eucharist and then, as I stated above, run to the Eucharist!

For those who either aren’t Catholic or who aren’t educated Catholics, I want to encourage you to read what the Catholic Church teaches about the Eucharist.  This is the MOST IMPORTANT ASPECT OF OUR FAITH and many believers don’t know about it nor could they explain it.  To start learning, please click this link for more info.

Man up!

Tuesdays with Daddy – “You Really Do Reap What You Sow”

Another installment of “Tuesdays with Daddy”.  For those who don’t know, I stay home with my two young daughters on Tuesdays and always have something important to blog about.

Today, I realized that we really do reap what we sow.  This morning, as I woke up with my two year old, I was amazed at how sweet she was.  She was saying things to me, like, “Daddy, may I please have some more cereal?” and “Daddy, I love you, VERY MUCH!” and “Daddy, you’re wonderful!”

Do you see where I’m going with this?  She’s repeating back to me phrases and statements (tone is important here, too) that I tell her often.  If I regularly talked to her in rough words, or words that aren’t loving, caring and sincere, she would talk to me that way too.  Eventually, she would probably speak to her teachers, coaches and friends in that same manner.  Instead, I choose to speak to her in the way I want her to speak to me and the rest of the world – lovingly.  (Be assured, I am firm when I need to be firm and scold when I need to scold.)

We really do reap what we sow.  And we’re constantly being watched.  With my girls, I’m being watched all the time.  As a follower of Christ, I simply cannot choose to abandon this responsibility.  I MUST work to exemplify Christ at all times.  I drop the ball quite often (as many of you know) but continue to get up and fight.  It’s a lot of responsibility, but if we expect to see change in our world for God, we must take this challenge on.

In your own life, I challenge you to figure out what you are sowing.  Are you sowing love?  Are you sowing anger, hatred, lust?  We really do reap what we sow.

Man up!

Follow Up Guest Post from Catherine DiNuzzo – “You’re Worth It!”

This post is a follow-up guest post from Catherine DiNuzzo, wife of Dave DiNuzzo.  Catherine will continue to guest post on this site.  Please leave comments!

Women, you are worth a TrueMan!  Believe it!

Women, I want you to listen to me and to listen well.  If you come to this site and take anything from it, I want you to remember that you are special, and a precious gift from the Father!  You are worth a TrueMan and you need to expect a TrueMan.  I am guessing right now that you may be rolling your eyes and saying to yourself, “if she only knew what I have done or what has happend to me, she would know this is not true for me.”  I know you are saying this because every time I talk to my girlfriends or speak to women at speaking engagements about this, I see women look down and shy away from me; their body language screaming these words.

God created you in His image and as the perfect mate for your “Adam”.  If God created you, and everything that God creates is good, then you must be worthy of goodness… a TrueMan.  When I think about my friends who refuse to believe this “cardinal rule”, most of the time it is because some less-than-virtuous man has taken advantage of them. Sometimes this is done through psychological manipulation and other times by force.  To me, it doesn’t matter what has happened in your past.  What is important is where you go from here.  If women are going to expect men to change then we must also change.  The first step in this change is loving yourself enough to except only virtuous men in your life.

How do you do it, you ask?  First of all, you need to look inside yourself and break down any walls that are keeping you from seeing the true value you possess.  These walls may have been past relationships gone bad, decisions that you made that hurt yourself or others, or anything that holds you back from seeing the marvelous treasure that God created you to be.

I too had to go through this step, and it was not easy.  When I was in high school and college, I was in a very abusive relationship, both physically and mentally. It ended badly and with the depression that set in from being a victim of domestic violence, I turned to drinking in excess.  With my life spinning downward, I had no confidence that I could ever love myself again.  I was certain that I would never find a virtuous “TrueMan” who would want to love me.  So, I stopped looking.  After many years of this way of thinking, I was at a 3-day party, with lots of drinking and men.  As I drove home, I hit my bottom.  I had no self esteem, no joy in my life.  I could easily say I was empty in every sense of the word.  So in tears, I looked up to Heaven and said “GOD, I give up! I can’t don’t do this anymore.”  I truly believe that I felt the Holy Spirit come down and shower me with grace and love.  I could hear God saying, “I love you, let me take care of you, trust in my love, I am here.”  And that is what I did!  From that point on, pain from my past slowly started to go away.  For the first time in seven years, I was able to see myself as a blessed gift that God had created.  That very day, I went on a group date with Dave, my future husband!

Women, love yourself!  Force yourself to see the treasure that God has created you to be. If there are walls that are blocking you from seeing this, take it to prayer and ask God to help you break down the walls.  Know that in this battle, you are not alone.  God is there wait for you to put your hand out and ask for help.

When They Leave God Out

There are some men’s sites out there, trying to do some good work, trying to “get” at the heart of manhood.  You may be familiar with The Art of Manliness, the National Fatherhood Initiative or maybe you’ve seen some footage recently on The Good Men Project – I’ve seen them all over the internet and videos of their TV appearances.  I’m glad these sites, projects, books and resources are out there for men.  However, when they leave God out, they’re leaving out THE important piece.  Without God, faith in God and love for God, a male simply cannot fulfill his role as a man.  Plain and simple.

Watch this video, and note, starting around 1:23, the attitude about “manhood being up for grabs” and “at a turning point”.  And again, starting around 2:10, “there’s no good answer” – in reference to what makes a man “good”.  And one last specific time to notice, 4:28 where again the notion of manhood is ever-changing and up to every one’s own interpretation.

I highly disagree with this line of thinking.  There IS a standard, a definition.  There is a specific way that a man can be a “good” man.  It’s called virtue!  Same with the *interesting* preacher from two posts ago, they’re missing the essential pieces about manhood.  God guides us, strengthens us, enlivens us.  Without God, we can’t live TrueManhood.

Man up!

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