Keep Your Cool, Dad

I recently witnessed a less-than-ideal situation between a father and his children, and thought I’d relay the story here so that everyone could think about it.  They were doing some yardwork.  His kids were helping with the mowing and edging.  At one point, the father became irrate because the equipment stopped working.  He began to scream at the both of them, as if it was their fault that the machine failed.  A few explitives flew, a few derogatory and demeaning things were said, and I’m sure, some confidence (in the kids) was shot.

OK, so why do I bring this story up?  Lots of reasons!  First of all… anytime I hear yelling and cursing near me, I begin to investigate.  Secondly, anytime I know that a child is being yelled at, I turn my attention to the situation.  The lie to “keep your nose out of other people’s business” isn’t something I subscribe to, and neither should you.  The care of women, children, and other men is always a TrueMan’s business.  Passivity must not be tolerated.   Also, I want to work to highlight not only bad behavior in men, but more importantly, the ways in which the rest of us can learn from the mistakes and shortcomings of other men around us.  Let’s not make the same mistakes as others.  It’s about a dad who’s unable to control his temper and who is misguided in how he deals with stress.

I was keeping an eye on the situation in the event that it got out of hand and needed my intervention.  It never came to that, thankfully.  Whether the dad made the switch on his own, or if he saw me and changed his tune because he knew I was nearby, or whether it was something else entirely, I was just glad to see that it stopped.  To my knowledge, he never hit or struck his kids – I most certainly would have stepped in.

Let’s consider how a TrueMan handles this situation as a father.  If you’re going to have your children helping you, with whatever you’re doing, make it about teaching them and forming them to perform their chores/work properly.  If they happen to break something while learning, realize that stuff breaks and – if you’ve done it correctly – they’ll have truly learned something!  Isn’t that the point?!  Explanations of how things work, processes to follow, safety standards… all good things.  Yelling at them and demeaning them is the wrong approach.  Teaching, forming, encouraging… those are the attributes of a man who can be proud of his parenting.

A TrueMan keeps his cool, in every situation.  This requires so many virtues, they are too numerous to mention here.  Namely, the virtues of temperance, prudence, and fortitude come to mind.  If you aren’t familiar with these words, or want more information on virtue, please check out our “TrueManhood’s Quick Guide to Virtue” under the Resources tab.  Dads, your kids want to be with you.  They want your time, your attention, your affection, your love.  They want you.  They want to be wanted by you.  Give them that.  Give them you!

On a personal note, I work to constantly be aware of my yelling and overall tone when dealing with my kiddos.  I’ve come a long way and still can be better.  I don’t always do the right thing, and I don’t always make the right choices, but my head is screwed on straight and I work to be cognizant of how what I say affects my kids.  And not just what I say, but how I say it.  When we say and do things to our children, it definintely affects them and stays with them.  It changes them.  Work to be aware of your words and actions, because your kids are watching and learning; they’ll become who you teach them to become.

TrueMan up!

Is a Bad Dad Better Than No Dad?

Recently, I had a discussion with a woman on the topic of fatherhood. During our conversation, she was adamant that a child having a bad father in the picture is better than no father.  I disagree with her, but understand at a basic level why she would believe this.  I also sympathize with her, aware that her situation was extremely difficult to bear.  Now that I’ve given it more thought, I think she may have been combining some thoughts together, associating a bad father with a father who is at least present.

If having a bad father in their life simply means that the child can feel a sense of acceptance and that someone desires them, then maybe I could agree with her.  However, being a child requires, and makes us yearn for, much more.  [Here’s a powerful clip from “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air” – the other videos in the playlist can’t be removed, sorry.]

Things to keep in mind: “bad” here is used not as an extreme word, but merely as a way to describe a man who is not living up to his role as father, even in the basic sense.  Call it judgmental (that would be a misuse of the word) or hateful, but at some point, we have to call a spade a spade.  A bad father isn’t present to his children, does not give them encouragement, nor inspiration, nor assistance, nor guidance, nor education.  A bad father lacks affection, affirmation, recognition, and compassion, and he shows no mercy.  Essentially, a bad father is the opposite of everything that God the Father is and that which a good father should strive for.

I wrote a post not too long ago, with a video, about my nephew (and his siblings.)  In the post, I discussed how his father was in the picture, but how his involvement is detrimental, and how these kinds of situations require other men to step in and be the father figures that children need.  Maybe there’s an element of timing in this discussion… for instance, the time in a child’s life may dictate whether or not a bad father’s presence is beneficial.  I’m sort of just writing my jumbled up thoughts right now because I really don’t know.  Maybe too, it depends on each kid.  Perhaps it is best that a bad father isn’t around in the teen years, but during the adolescent years?  (We should get this discussion going on the TrueManhood.com Facebook page.)

As I’ve written and said many times, our children learn from us, good or bad.  If we fail as fathers, our children will learn that fatherhood and/or masculinity is something other than what it actually is – believing that our failure is normal and acceptable.  I do not believe that we can substitute authentic masculinity when it comes to our children – they need to know it, be surrounded by it, and be taught it so that they are able to thrive in life.  TrueManhood is one of the most basic tenants of humanity, and literally as old as mankind.

So I pose a thought for you to consider… is it better for a child to have a bad father in their life or to have no father present at all?  I’m sure that we can all agree that children with great dads are always best off.  I’m certainly striving to be a great dad for my kids, won’t you strive to give that to your kids, too?

TrueMan up!

“The Day You Give Birth Is the Day Your…”

“The day you give birth is the day your opinion should matter!” screamed a young female passerby. Really? Is that all this is to you, a bunch of opinions? Really?

This was just one of the many negative comments we received yesterday while praying outside of the Planned Parenthood murder mill here in Colorado Springs. I was out with my buddy Joe, a pro-life giant – faithful to prayer and protest outside of Planned Parenthood EVERY Friday afternoon. On the outside, Joe is mild-mannered, calm and prayerful. Inside, I sense that he’s a raging bull! The fury that rages inside him, because of the injustices against the thousands of innocent unborn babies that are brutally murdered every day in the US (nearly 4,000 babies per day!), is tempered by the Holy Spirit and guided thereby to do much good in our world. He, as we all should be, is a man of action. He puts his ‘money where his mouth is’ and is out there praying every Friday for the end to abortion.

One lady driving by stopped and yelled out her window, “Wait until it’s your wife who is raped!  I’m calling the cops on you guys!”  Another female driver stopped in the middle of the intersection to deliberately give us the finger, the ‘ol Jersey salute.  She stared me down like I was the bad guy, because I was there, on my knees, meditating on the Crucifixion of our Lord and praying for babies.  Absolutely ridiculous.

Listen, if you’re not Pro-Life, you’re Pro-Death.  There’s no other distinction.  Life or Death.  You’ve never heard anybody say “It’s a life or death, or choice, situation.”  Right?  It’s way more than a choice.  Abortion is murder.  And, what’s more, THIS IS NOT SIMPLY A WOMAN’S ISSUE!  Men, this is one of those things that we MUST step up and defend.  We must protect our women and children.  We must stand up for the common good.  We must lead in this fight.  We must stand in opposition to faulty and immoral laws.  We must stand up against evil.  We must stand against our post-abortive culture.  We must stand up and say enough is enough.

On Monday of this past week, I took my family to the Rocky Mountain March for Life.  It took place on Martin Luther King Jr’s birthday.  There was a pastor from Oakland, CA there to speak to the crowd.  (I apologize for not remembering his name.)  He was a black pastor, and spoke heavily about the effects of abortion on the black women (and men, and families, and businesses, and culture and so on) in his “neighborhood”.  One thing he said, that has really troubled me the last many days, is that the vast majority of people sitting in the pews on Sunday in black churches across the country are “post-abortive”.  This means that they have been effected, either directly or indirectly, by abortion.  Meaning as well, that they may be traumatized (although usually in silence) by the negative effects of abortion.  His whole point was that it is incredibly difficult to reach out to this portion of the population, because so many people don’t want to be told that what they’ve done has been wrong, or that they’re wrong in their thinking.  So many people want to keep the status quo, instead of pushing the envelope and challenging what is wrong so that what is right can be brought out and experienced by the masses.

There’s a lot more I could write about this today, but will keep it for additional posts in the future.  For now, please join the pro-life movement in praying for the unborn and for the end to abortion.

TrueMan up!